That’s what it feels like I have in my mind at times. Especially during a yoga class. Or during church. Both of those places are when I am most conscious of a swarm-of-bees being let-loose in my mind.<\/p>\n
I came from yoga class just now, and I went to church last night. So I’m overly aware of this THING that happens when I try to quiet myself down, on the inside.<\/p>\n
I find the whole quieting-down-the-mind thing the most challenging part of yoga, although getting my body into the dern poses is rather difficult as well.<\/p>\n
It’s really just the struggle of being<\/i> with myself. To not have to be doing<\/i> anything, working on something, reading, writing, ‘rithmetic, go go go …<\/p>\n
I find that so hard.<\/p>\n
Note to self: work on this. I suppose the fact that I keep going to yoga is indicative that I am working on it.<\/p>\n
I am willing to be with this struggle. I recognize the worthiness of what I am trying to achieve. And so now I am in the awkward transition stage – the stage that so many people (myself included) turn themselves inside out to avoid. The stage when you are uncomfortably aware of the dysfunctional workings of your own mind.<\/p>\n
I am confronted with this all the time in my acting. The nature of the craft forces you to be up against yourself, to at all times be cultivating self-awareness.<\/p>\n
The real challenge is to be able to tolerate uncertainty. To tolerate not knowing. To tolerate the sensation of not being free yet<\/i>. It’s a necessary phase of the process, but it can be so uncomfortable that many people turn away long before getting there.<\/p>\n
That’s what comes up for me when I go to yoga. Sometimes I cry. Which is normal. But really the tears are just coming from a realization, on a deep level (like a DNA-type level) – that relaxation is a struggle for me, that slowing my brain down is a struggle for me, and that all of it creates enormous anxiety. Hence, the swarm of bees. I am determined to get to the other side of this tunnel.<\/p>\n
I can feel that there will be great rewards.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
That’s what it feels like I have in my mind at times. Especially during a yoga class. Or during church. Both of those places are when I am most conscious of a swarm-of-bees being let-loose in my mind. I came … Continue reading