Dear Cookie Monster:<\/p>\n
So. Yes. Everyone is talking about this.<\/a> I first heard the news and I thought: Uhm … NO. Cookie would have nothing to do with this. He would stand for that photo shoot in the article, and he would look over the Food Pyramid-approved vegetables with his huge voracious googly eyes, his black hole of a mouth, and he would be searching, searching … eyes scanning over carrots, grapes … looking for THE ONE THING IN LIFE HE CARES ABOUT. He would have increasingly anxious thoughts as his google-eyes scanned about: “Where cookie? Me want cookie …”<\/p>\n To me, Cookie Monster, you will always be:<\/p>\n A blue. Furry. Googly-eyed. Cookie-eating. LUNATIC.<\/p>\n Beloved by children everywhere.<\/p>\n Your name is Cookie MONSTER. Mkay? Not Cookie LOVER, or Cookie Boy, or Cookie Afficianado. You are a MONSTER and your whole life is about COOKIES. You do not have a normal level of desire. In fact, you are so obsessed with cookies that THAT THAT IS YOUR NAME. This has never ceased to amaze me. Ernie loved his Rubber Ducky, sure, but his name was not “Rubber Ducky”, his name was Ernie. You took your obsession to such new heights that no one could call you anything else.<\/p>\n How many of us can say that? Is my name Old Movies? No. Is my name Central Asia or Founding Fathers? No. My name is Sheila<\/i>. Not too many of us live our entire lives harboring only ONE GOAL, and holding up that ONE GOAL above all others. It takes courage, drive, and commitment. You haven’t taken your eye off the cookie once.<\/p>\n Until now.<\/p>\n Now they will force you to say that cookies are only good for you SOMEtimes. This must KILL you, Cookie. That would be like some stupid group of unimaginative people making me do a commercial where I said, “It’s okay if you like old movies … just don’t like them TOO MUCH.”<\/p>\n Those people don’t understand passion like yours, those people wouldn’t know how to love something in the feverish way that you love cookies. They are JEALOUS. They want to CONTROL you. Perhaps, like Mitch suggests, they want to call you “The Moderate Monster”. <\/a>They look at your wacko eyes and they hear your caveman syntax … and they can’t stand your wildness, they can’t stand the greatness of you, they rush in to tamp you down. It has taken them 25 years … but now it has occurred. You will now become a mouthpiece for their fear and caution.<\/p>\n It must kill you. I can only imagine, Cookie, the shame. The shame of being forced to betray your deepest held convictions about cookies.<\/p>\n Cookie, let me tell you this. I will not forget the old Cookie Monster madman. I will still believe that you are IN THERE, even though they won’t let you show it anymore.<\/p>\n I will still remember fondly that time you ate the telephone because it looked like a cookie. Good for you! You had the cord hanging out of your mouth, and your googled-eyes suddenly looked flat and very confused. But still: good for you, you gave it your best shot.<\/p>\n I will still remember how you burped long and loud at the end of a Christmas special, after you ate the Christmas tree. That belch must have felt really good, Cookie.<\/p>\n I will still remember the growing frenzy you would show, as your need for a cookie fix grew to apocalyptic levels. I always wanted you to have a cookie. I never wanted to hold you back.<\/p>\n I WILL REMEMBER YOU, COOKIE.<\/p>\n You’ll always be a wacko raging cookie-loving Id to me.<\/p>\n Me want old Cookie.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dear Cookie Monster: So. Yes. Everyone is talking about this. I first heard the news and I thought: Uhm … NO. Cookie would have nothing to do with this. He would stand for that photo shoot in the article, and … Continue reading