But not a dollar short, because this is not a money-making venture for me.<\/p>\n
Just realized that yesterday was my 3rd year anniversary of beginning the blog. I started blogging on October 18, 2002. Here was my first post<\/a>. I never transported over the stuff from Blog-spot – just didn’t care to – but it’s all still there.<\/p>\n I gave the blog the URL atswimtwobirds – for obvious and not so obvious reasons. I named it after the great psycedelic nutso Irish Catcher in the Rye<\/i> novel of the same name, by Flann O’Brien – man of many aliases. It also has deep personal resonance for me, because of my father, and my childhood, and yadda yadda. But then I called the blog Sheila A-Stray’s Redheaded Ramblings – an unwieldy title which, again, made sense only to me – or only to someone who is familiar with Irish legends, Irish history, and Seamus Heaney’s wonderful epic poem Sweeney Astray. There was much confusion about it … some people referred to my blog as “Sheila Ashtray”, which was unfortunate, but inevitable. I set up the blog for myself – I didn’t think about having readers, really – or making the thing comprehensible to anyone but my inner circle. Even they may have been confused by the confluence of at swim-two-birds and redheaded ramblings and A-stray … So be it! That was my beginning.<\/p>\n Here is the post I wrote on my first anniversary of blogging – I have updated it a bit – but I thought it might be interesting to read, for those of who are new to me, and who … oh, I don’ t know … might care. For those who feel that theirs IS to reason why … this post explains it.<\/p>\n Blogging has provided me with an outlet. A space to SHOUT. A space to blab. Whatever. I used to keep intensely detailed journals, which is all well and good. I still journal – but that is an inward pursuit. Journaling is about communicating with my own unconscious, not trying to communicate with anybody else. Blogging has helped me so much, in terms of formulating how I think about things – things I need to learn – issues I need to delve in more. Also – challenging myself to articulate my thoughts, my vague convictions about things, into words. Cold clear words. Awesome practice.<\/p>\n It also has kept me writing. I write every day. In a public way.<\/p>\n Writing every day in a journal is also great – but to write for an audience (even if it’s only 30 people) is a different muscle altogether.<\/p>\n I have had a pretty bad last couple of years. From about 1999 on. I won’t go into why. But it’s not been a good time for me, and I’ve had a very hard time going on with life, at times. There was a good stretch in 2002 when I was beyond language. That had never happened to me before, and anyone who’s ever been seriously depressed will know the state of which I speak. I couldn’t write in my journal, I couldn’t write emails to friends … I just had no words for how sad I was, how disappointed I was in things. I lay on my couch for 5 months. I watched movies. I couldn’t speak of my sadness, my anger. I was immobilized. Petrified. Meaning: petrifaction. Stone.<\/p>\n And then, one morning in October, 2002 – I suddenly DID what I had been musing about for over a year, since September 11, when I discovered Andrew Sullivan<\/a>, Little Green Footballs<\/a>, James Lileks<\/a>, Asparagirl<\/a>, A Small Victory<\/a>, and a host of others – I sat down, got an account with Blog-spot, and created a Blog in the space of one morning.<\/p>\n I don’t know why suddenly, on October 18, I decided to get into action. It was not on any To Do List. It was just a vague wish, a vague “I’d like to have one of those” … And it took me 3 hours (maybe less) to make it into a reality.<\/p>\n In June of 2003, I got off of Blog-spot. And I started having comments – which completely changed my experience of blogging. And it has just accelerated, as the years have gone by. Having comments is really THE thing that has put Blogging (for me, anyway) into this new level. Every day is a conversation … that I initiate, yes, from the topics I choose – but every day, people show up to basically shoot the shit, chat, give their views, whatever. It is unbelievable. It has made the world seem smaller and much much warmer.<\/p>\n I decided to stop blogging about politics (much to the continued chagrin of DBW and only DBW – hahahaha – love that guy!) – because I wanted this place to be fun, and relaxing, and not just bipartisan – but universal. If that sounds grandiose, then … well, it is grandiose. I got sick of the bullshit and the arguing – and I wasn’t even interested in the arguments anymore. I decided to stop – unless I am REALLY compelled. And right around that same time, this Humphrey Bogart obsession happened. Kicked into gear<\/a>. That was the first time when I let who I REALLY am onto my blog. This is no lie – there was a huge shift in my energy when I allowed that obsession to blossom ON THE BLOG – and not in my offline journal. It was vulnerable – for me – to let you all in on that – on just HOW obsessed I was – but amazingly (or not so amazingly) – all I found was validation from you all. Everyone participated openly in that ongoing obsession. You fanned the flames of it. It was so joyous! For once, my celebrity “crush” wasn’t this shameful secret (ahem – Ralph Macchio<\/a>) – it was something I could share and celebrate. And not only that, but I found this entire world of Bogie fans out there – people who recommended films to me – who sent films to me (Bill McCabe <\/a>provided me with a tape of Caine Mutiny<\/i>, for example) – and to me, the Bogie thing, and the response to it, was a sign: that was where I needed to go now, in terms of this blog. It may seem silly to put so much thought into this – but look. I only have so many hours in the day. I spend time on my blog. I want it to be time I WANT to spend on my blog, writing about what I want to write about, and having a good time doing it.<\/p>\n Once I started to get more readers – who kept coming back, expecting me to be in a state of outrage at every moment – – I started feeling a subtle pressure to … provide what “they” wanted. It’s silly – but it happens to all of us. And that’s just not me. It’s just not me. That “outrage” is real – but it’s not all I am. And it’s not necessarily where I want to spend the majority of my time. I know it’s not an accident that one of the only times I really took off the reins and went OFF on something the Wall Street Journal<\/i> took notice, and shock-jocks across the country took notice – of course. Being THAT pissed off gets people’s attention. And it was FUN, man, I’ll tell ya … those were a FUN couple of days.<\/p>\n But not as fun as I had when I was ranting and raving about every Humphrey Bogart movie I had seen, and how much I loved him … I found that writing, with that much depth, about acting – and actors – was how I really wanted to spend my time. I turned this blog into a space of acknowledgement – a place where I could pay tribute to all the actors (and artists and writers) who have made a difference in my life. Fun!!!<\/p>\n I’ve had my struggles. I had a stalker<\/a>. I had some jagoff email me during one of my Bloomsday <\/a>extravaganzas: “How can you post on something so trivial while this whole Abu Gharib thing is happening?” I’ve had people email me stupidly with pleas why I haven’t weighed in on John Kerry. Uhm … cause I don’t feel like weighing in on John Kerry? If you would like to PAY me for an op-ed on John Kerry, then by all means send me a proposal … but other than that? Shut the fuck up! I had one guy blow a gasket because I said I was going to see Kinsey<\/i>. It was almost like he felt BETRAYED. Like: he assumed I was one way, and my enthusiasm for Kinsey<\/i> (Lisa <\/a>– I’m sure you remember this post since you were involved in all your Liam Neeson fan girliness!) made him think I was another. How insane to assume you know someone when you read 3 things that they choose to write on a daily basis, and make assumptions based on those 3 small posts. I was so rude to him in response that he has never returned. Yee-haw. There are wack-jobs on the planet. And many of them frequent my blog. I try to chase them away by being as RUDE as possible to them as SOON as they reveal themselves to be wack-jobs. I have had people get unrequited crushes on me and care too much about what I think about them. I have hesitated before posting really personal stuff<\/a>, because … I’m afraid of being made fun of by certain readers who seem to have had a problem with SEGUING from mood to mood. I’m moody. You have to be able to segue here on this blog. I find an inability to segue to be unforgivable. It’s one of my quirks. You know. The usual. This is something that happens to anyone who blogs with an audience.<\/p>\n That was my circuitous journey here – to this spot – but it’s ongoing. This is a work in progress. I just keep learning about myself – through this blogging thingamajiggie, and I am very grateful for it.<\/p>\n Not to get too melodramatic here – I will try to use as plain language as possible –<\/p>\n The word-less 5 month stretch of 2002, when I could no longer communicate, even with myself – feels like it could never happen again. Not while I have this outlet. The muscle, the communicative muscle, has been FLEXED. And it feels like it is in for me for good. In this way, blogging has done wonders for my mood, my quality of life. My mental health. I am not alone. I don’t believe that I could ever feel as isolated as I felt in 2002 again. (Knock wood, man. Knock wood.)<\/p>\n But that’s not the only reason it has changed my life. For me, it may be the most important reason – but it’s not the sole reason.<\/p>\n I also have discovered this enormous NOISY community – a community that I LOVE – a community that I cherish being a part of. I have made true friends through blogging. Some I have met – some I have not yet met – but they’re friends – all of them.<\/p>\n And finding this whole world of voices in the direct wake of Sept. 11 – chattering, babbling, arguing – was like opening up a genie’s bottle. Woah. Who knew you all were out there?<\/p>\n It was good to join my voice to the Babel. Good to be there. To be a part of it.<\/p>\n The events of September 11 deeply impacted me, mobilized me, enraged me – as they did most of us. Being able to write it all out, and get into discussions with people – (as opposed to sitting weeping in a coffee shop writing in my journal – see the difference?) is awesome.<\/p>\n Keeping a blog is not all about my own self-improvement – but that is what I am present to at the moment.<\/p>\n Thanks to everybody – all my faithful readers. I love when you comment, I love when you get into discussions – I love that you come here, and thank you! All of you! I can’t even list you all – because I would, inevitably, leave somebody off. But just know that I appreciate each and every one of you – whenever you show up.<\/p>\n And thank you as well to all of the people I read. A daily dose of your words enriches my life and expands my brain.<\/p>\n This is a long-winded way of saying Happy Birthday To Me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" But not a dollar short, because this is not a money-making venture for me. Just realized that yesterday was my 3rd year anniversary of beginning the blog. I started blogging on October 18, 2002. Here was my first post. I … Continue reading