Any time I get too big for my britches, or start to take myself too seriously, my friend Mitchell is wont to say, quietly, ” ‘Don’t even try’…”<\/p>\n
‘Don’t even try’ is a quote – or part of a quote – a quote from one of my more absurd moments. It is good to remember this moment on occasion, because it keeps me from thinking I’m some big cerebral wizard (uh … do I even think that?)<\/p>\n
Here’s the scoop:<\/p>\n
I was in college. All of us were at a party at “Sue and Seann’s”. Sue and Seann were a couple, their names blended together into one word: SueandSeann – and they had a house “down the line” (on the beach, that is) and we would convene there for raucous cast parties. Hilarious parties.<\/p>\n
At one of these parties – I literally do not remember why this began – but someone turned on the TV and CHiPs was on. A show I watched obsessively as a young kid. I loved John, not Ponch. Ponch’s pearly whites alienated me. John seemed like a guy you could actually talk to.<\/p>\n
So we all sat around, watching Chips, re-living our respective childhoods – there were about 6 of us doing this.<\/p>\n
I hadn’t watched Chips in years – so it was hysterical – we made fun of it, throughout – the way they rode their motorcycles in formation, the terrible C-level actors who played bit parts – the cheesiness of Estrada’s behavior …<\/p>\n
Now. Here is where it gets blurry.<\/p>\n
I would block this event out, if Mitchell didn’t keep reminding me of it.<\/p>\n
I was sitting next to my boyfriend at the time. And one of the age-old episodes of Chips came into my mind, and I started to describe it to him.<\/p>\n
Perhaps you might remember it:<\/p>\n
Ponch fell in love. He loved, lost, grieved, and recovered – all in a one-hour episode. The woman he fell in love with was Beverly Sasson, a dark-haired cheesy-looking beauty. Ponch’s love-personality was unbelieably cheesy. There were a couple of montages – of the two of them walking on the beach, eating ice cream … (to show time passing, love growing). There was even an embarrassing shot of the two of them on a carousel, laughing at how quickly their love was growing over this montage.<\/p>\n
Were there issues in their relationship? I cannot remember. All I know is – Ponch loved this woman. I think Ponch wanted to marry her, and he bought her a ring. He was getting all ready to propose – when tragedy struck.<\/p>\n
Beverly Sasson was crossing a street and she was hit, and killed, by a drunk-driver.<\/p>\n
Ponch is devastated. Erik Estrada is given some screen-time where his eyes fill up with horrified tears – all to please the Tiger Beat audience members (of which I was one, even though I loved John. I loved John because I have always had a soft spot for the underdog … It didn’t seem fair to me, my 10 year old self, that Ponch got all the female attention just because of those damn teeth.)<\/p>\n
Anyway – (listen to how seriously I am discussing this! It is so absurd!) The episode ends with Ponch standing on the sunset beach, the very beach where they had walked together, during their multiple montages<\/i>, staring out at the waves, letting his lost love go. He throws the engagement ring into the surf.<\/p>\n
You know, somehow, that Ponch will never love again.<\/p>\n
The screen goes black.<\/p>\n
And THEN – white words on the black screen:<\/p>\n
“Every year 5 kajillion people are killed by drunk drivers. Please don’t drink and drive.”<\/p>\n
Okay.<\/p>\n
So there’s a lot going on here. Let me try to get my thoughts together.<\/p>\n
Even as a 10 year old, I had HUGE scorn for that ending. Especially the white words on the black screen. I remember thinking, “But … the entire SHOW wasn’t about drunk drivers … ”<\/p>\n
It seemed to me that the producers of Chips had a confused approach: they wanted to have a gushy romantic story, featuring Ponch, to please the ladies in their audience. But then they also wanted to do an “issue” show, to show that they are actually a serious series.<\/p>\n
If the show had begun with Beverly being hit by a drunk driver, and then the rest of the hour spent with Ponch trying to get justice for her, or trying to punish the drunk driver – THEN those white words on the black screen would have made sense.<\/p>\n
But as it was – it seemed like just a cynical ploy, a plot-point – a RUSE to make Chips seem like an important show …<\/p>\n
I had HUGE scorn for that, as a 10 year old. I saw right through their stupid little game.<\/p>\n
Okay, so there’s the back-story. Fast-forward to Sue and Seann’s. I was telling this whole thing to my boyfriend, who was listening patiently, I am sure on some level enjoying me, enjoying how seriously I took this.<\/p>\n
“And so then, there’s this whole stupid montage where they fall in love … God, he was just so cheesy … and THEN … he buys her a ring … and he’s all excited … but you just know it’s not gonna work out well, because there’s only 10 minutes left in the show ….”<\/p>\n
Then I described the ending, and the white letters on the blank screen.<\/p>\n
I was caustic in my indictment: “They wanted to suddenly turn themselves into a serious issues show where they tackle stuff like drunk driving – but it was so stupid because she was killed in the last 15 minutes of the show – That’s not a whole SHOW devoted to an issue – They turned her death into some stupid plot-point, and then tried to SPIN it as some big important issue!!”<\/p>\n
As I spoke like this, my rage at Chips grew.<\/p>\n
And here is what happened next:<\/p>\n
I was leaning right into my boyfriend’s face, all worked up at how stupid CHIPS was, and I was yelling (yes, I was yelling):<\/p>\n
“Don’t even TRY!!!” (then, caustically, as though speaking right to them:) “CHIPS. Don’t even TRY, CHIPS!”<\/p>\n
I said it multiple times. I was yelling, “Don’t even try, Chips” at my boyfriend.<\/p>\n
At some point, he started laughing at me. He had been enduring my assault – and when he realized that somehow I had turned him into the producers of CHIPS – and that I was seriously yelling at him – he LOST it.<\/p>\n
Mitchell, who had been watching me slowly get worked up for the last 5 minutes, stood off to the side, stunned – and then he started laughing at me too.<\/p>\n
I was so ANGRY that “Chips” even “TRIED” to be a serious show. Like: do not even TRY, Chips!! You’re CHIPS. Accept that you are CHIPS. DO NOT EVEN TRY.<\/p>\n
“Don’t even try, Chips” is still a common phrase between Mitchell and I.<\/p>\n
Recently I said something to him like, “I mean, yeah, I’m a serious woman, and all that, and I’m cerebral – but that’s not all there is to it! I have other sides too.”<\/p>\n
Pause.<\/p>\n
Mitchell interjected, “Don’t even try, Chips.”<\/p>\n
For some reason, the memory of me yelling “DON’T EVEN TRY, CHIPS” right into my boyfriend’s face reminds me that, after all, I’m kind of a silly girl. Would a truly serious person get all worked up over Chips?? Over Chips even “trying”?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Any time I get too big for my britches, or start to take myself too seriously, my friend Mitchell is wont to say, quietly, ” ‘Don’t even try’…” ‘Don’t even try’ is a quote – or part of a quote … Continue reading