And now … the continuing story … of Sheila as a junior in high school.<\/p>\n
I was madly in love, from afar, with “DW”. I mean, we were friends but he had no idea the LEVEL of MANIA going on in my heart. My diary entries are … highly embarrassing for me to read, because … Well. When I’m into a guy to this day, I go nuts. I’m not an even-keel girl. When I love you? I feckin’ LOVE you. I am as loyal as a damn dog. I’m not embarrassed by it anymore, because it seems to be engrained in me to love like that (when I do love – which isn’t often) – but to see me behaving this way, or feeling this way, about a 17 year old boy who … obviously had no idea … is HIGHLY disturbing. I read some of this stuff, and just CRINGE!<\/p>\n
Which is why, naturally, I want to share it all with the Internet.<\/p>\n
What?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Sometimes I am amazed at my ability to commence living a normal life under such stress. [bwahahahahahahahaha<\/i>] How do I do homework and just be normal?<\/p>\n
Actually, today wasn’t that bad. Confusing. I can’t really decide. Kate said to me, “Boys are confusing. Boys are life. Therefore, life is confusing.” You could substitue any word for “confusing”! [Uhm … “teapot”? “nasal labial folds”? “electoral college”? ANY word, Sheila???<\/i>]<\/p>\n
Oh Diary, yes. I am in a good mood.<\/p>\n
Bowling was pretty bad. I got a 49<\/u>. I mean, DW and I talked a little bit, but just about stupid stuff – bowling, and how his techniques were somehow eluding me. [hahahaha like he’s some professional bowler that I need to look up to.<\/i>] AC was driving me crazy<\/u>. I’m not mad<\/u> because I love her, and I think I understand, but it still makes me mad. Whenever<\/u> I would try to talk to him, or he would start talking to me, she would interrupt, or call me over. [In grown-up woman terms, young Sheila, we call that – and forgive the blunt language – a “cock-block” and it is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE behavior on the part of a friend. Be a bitch, be a flake, be a liar, be a cheat. Fine. I’ll forgive you. But cock-block? Unacceptable. Don’t be a moron.<\/i>] After bowling, she was so slow – so I missed a chance to walk back with him. I was so frustrated. I felt like slapping her and saying, “Hurry up!” If I was with Mere, or Betsy, or J, or Beth – they would have immediately known the whole situation. Mere talked me out of it in Chemistry. [Obviously instead of us, you know, LISTENING TO OUR TEACHER. hahahaha We hated our Chemistry teacher.<\/i>] Mere said AC is probably just jealous. Not of me and DW (she does it to J and Nick, too – and any of her friends with guys) – but that the kid she likes is way off in Michigan<\/u> [hahaha Many underlines, as though what I am really saying is: “the kid is way off in Outer Mongolia”<\/i>] — she can’t have a crush the way we do. Mere and I had a long talk. I think she’s right. So I will be patient. I don’t want to risk a great friendship.<\/p>\n
Then in French. Mr. Hodge<\/u>! He is a sly conniving devil. I can’t believe he did this. We’re reading a farce in French and there was one scene left with 2 characters. And he had to pick 2 people to read, so he immediately said<\/u> “DW, Sheila O’Malley.” Okay. Of course I was blase [uhm – were you? You sure about that?<\/i>] but I was blushing<\/u>. I hate<\/u> myself for my blush. It gives everything away. [Still does.<\/i>] Kate was desperately trying not to laugh – Mr. Hodge was gloating<\/u>! [The Hodges – old family friends of the O’Malleys. He was my French teacher, but he had known me since I was 5 years old. I grew up across the street from the Hodges. So he was WELL aware of the fluttery teenage romance going on in his classroom.<\/i>] He loved every minute of it. As for me, I almost couldn’t talk and I was having trouble breathing. [Sounds really “blase”, Sheila.<\/i>] I had the most lines, too. It was a nervewracking experience! I think I did pretty well under the circumstances.<\/p>\n
Before French — Oh yeah! 3rd period about 20 kids walked out of school to protest the fact that we have no vacation. That is so dumb. 20 kids. What are they trying to be — heroes or something? [hahaha Listen to my jaded “why bother” political consciousness…<\/i>] Anyways, I came running up to French and I met DW on the way up. I turned to look at him and said, “I can’t believe those kids walked out. How stupid. What are they trying to be – the voice of our generation?” [hahahaha Sheila – why so scornful!!<\/i>] DW agreed with me. They were all – to quote him – “dumprats and jerkoffs.” [Good Lord.<\/i>] We talked all the way to French — I can’t even explain what it feels like to me – to be walking along so<\/u> close to him. To be right next to him<\/u>. Looking at him. Talking with him. I can’t even tell you what that feels like. [And then I proceed to tell you …<\/i>] Pretty good<\/u>!<\/p>\n
After school there was once more an SK Pades meeting and a Drama Club rehearsal. As it was only Act II in which I have 2 lines, I wandered the halls. [Uhm. That’s kind of inappropriate.<\/i>] See, right before rehearsal started I was standing in the doorway just watching everyone go by, and my heart bounded<\/u> when I saw him come along and go into the caf. In fact I screamed “YAY” right there and pirouetted into the Music Room. [More evidence of my essentially blase behavior.<\/i>] So that’s why I decided to roam around. [Some people would call it “stalking”, Sheila.<\/i>]<\/p>\n
Luck was with me. As I came out of the Music Room, he was just coming out of the caf. I knew<\/u> he was gonna come over when he saw me. I just knew it. And he did. He came over saying, “Ah, is that the SK Pades meeting?” And I said, “No – it’s Man Who Came to Dinner.” [Sorry, Mere<\/i>] Then he said somethinig like, “Well – here you see the perfect technical advisor you need –” Who knows. [Observation: He hadn’t listened to my answer to his question – didn’t hear a word I said – and his bizarre response was to what he ASSUMED I would say – that SK Pades would need his “technical” advice. I love how I wrote “Who knows”. I forgave him, because – well – I was 16 years old. He’s lucky he didn’t blatantly ignore what I said NOW because I would call him on it, and say, “Did you hear what I just said? Or are you just interested in hearing yourself talk?” It’s only annoying because he asked me a question, and then didn’t respond to what I actually said. But that “who knows” is pretty funny. I was aware of the situation, and I said “who knows” to his bizarre content.<\/i>]<\/p>\n
He is so gorgeous, Diary. I CAN’T STAND IT. I love love looking at him closely<\/u>. Then I went back to rehearsal, left again, wandered around. I ran into him at least 4 times. It seemed like whenever I turned around he was there. Maybe it’s the other way around. [hahaha At least I was being honest with myself!<\/i>] I couldn’t find the SK Pades meeting so I was on the first floor peeking into Room 109, DW was standing right there in the lobby with his friend Bob – he saw me peeking around – [I am shaking with laughter. Sheila – why are you PEEKING around corners??<\/i>] I was aware<\/u> of him – glancing at me – then he realized what I was looking for – he said, “Oh, Sheila –” I turned to look at him. “I heard that the meeting is going to be in the hall outside the caf.” I nodded, said, “Merci” and ran off. But what struck me was the way he went “Sheila<\/u>“. I can still hear<\/u> him saying it. My name<\/u>. I love it when he says my name. [Ouch. How embarrassing.<\/i>]<\/p>\n
The best is yet to come.<\/p>\n
I never did find the meeting. But I was standing by the mural with Beth on the first floor – we were both lost – I was also hoping that DW would come out of the band room. I knew he was in there because I peeked in [STOP PEEKING. JUST. STOP. IT.<\/i>] and saw his coat. Well, I heard his voice around the corner. My heart throbbed. (Sure it did, Sheila.) [Ha. That was my own little editorial commentary that I made at the TIME – busting myself on my melodrama. Funny.<\/i>] Anyways, he came over to us<\/u>. Katy was there, she wanted to meet him as she always has to write letters to him from the JH Student Council, so when he came over I said to him, “This<\/u> is Katy.” Katy smiled her shy little smile – He was so nice<\/u>. He was like, “So this is Katy! I’d know a Hodge anywhere!” Then she left and it was me, DW and Beth. We talked for a while about the walkout. [hahahaha Big news in high school!!<\/i>]. He was kind of kicking the wall right next to me – [Uhm – violently<\/i>] – He was standing so close to me, I mean really close. I had to arch my neck back all the way just to look at him. [That’s fine. As long as you stop “peeking” at him, for God’s sake.<\/i>] I sound like a computer rattling off facts. I should tell you what it felt<\/u> like to be so near him, but how do I word that? I tjust — it feels very good<\/u>. I said, “DW, do you know who the kids were that walked out?” He shook his head, still kicking the wall. “Nope – but I do know that some may not graduate.” I stared at him – “Really? I didn’t know they were seniors. God! They were so dumb!” He nodded, shruggling, glanced over his shoulder, “Well, if I were a dumprat, I would have joined them, but –” “They’re really not gonna graduate?” “They probably wouldn’t have graduated anyway!” Beth said. This was a winner. I was already laughing – something about the whole conversation was so funny – and DW stopped talking, looked down at Beth, and just burst out laughing. [Ah yes. To be 16 and to laugh at the misfortune of our fellow “dump rats”. Those were the days!<\/i>]<\/p>\n
I loved<\/u> DW’s real llaughing smile on his face. Oh Diary. He’s so sexy. [That is written in nearly microscopic lettering. Clearly I felt I was REALLY being bold and wanton here … and so I needed to hide my lasciviousness with the teeni-ness of my lettering.<\/i>]<\/p>\n
Beth then sidled away so that he and I were all alone by the mural. Beth’s not like AC who has no clue!!<\/p>\n
I just stood there staring up at the mural, and he stood there kicking the wall. [Dude. Stop kicking the wall. What is your problem?<\/i>] The silence got awful. My brain was screaming: “Say something DAMMIT!” So I turned around to look up at him, he was already looking at me – for one time I didn’t look away, so – we just stood there looking<\/u> at each other. He just looked serious. I know I was smiling sort of shyly. I’m sure it wasn’t as long as it felt like, but – Oh I could kill myself. I blew it AGAIN! I was the one to break the silence. I can’t believe I’m so dumb. And I said something stupid like, “French was fun today.” And of course he said, “Oh yeah …” blah blah – all normal stuff – nothing abnormal. I was hating myself inside. Right after that, DW started for the phone booth saying, “Well, I should be going to girls basketball but I have to go home so I can run before it gets too dark, and I have homework …” [Why is he going to girls basketball? To be a “technical advisor”?<\/i>] I smiled – “Wow, are you in demand!” Inside, my knees are melting, and I’m screeching, “YOU JERK!” Then right before he went into the booth, he turned to me smilng, “Well … whatever you do … take care of yourself.” Then he disappeared and I RAN down the hall hearing “take care of yourself” blasting in my ears. Not just “Bye” or “See ya later” – TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.<\/p>\n
Why didn’t he go to the dance? I’m so mad<\/u>.<\/p>\n
I’ve been thinking about that first dance (Homecoming) and it’s strange. I’m very<\/u> glad I asked him to dance, because a friendship really is growing here. There wasn’t one at all<\/u> last year. I think somehow – that me asking him to dance didn’t ruin things. It made them better. I don’t know how but it’s different now. Although I am glad I asked him – I’m sort of glad he couldn’t – (not wouldn’t! hee hee!) because we had all this extra time to talk. I know him a little better every day. Practically every day we talk. I’m glad. I’m glad I asked him because I think he knows that I feel a little more (I hope I don’t reveal all I feel) [Then stop pirouetting in public<\/i>] and I can feel him getting closer to me, if you know what I mean. I’m perceptive enough to see that. In his own way, I feel like I’m getting to know<\/u> him a little bit, and that excites me. He’s a person<\/u>. I want to know all his facets. I mean, just lately I’ve seen other sides of him. The gentle side, the nice side, maybe even the shy side. Before, I would have said: DW shy? Gentle? HA! Last year, I would have said – DW nice? But he is!<\/u> And he’s funny too. And — I’ve thought about this a lot – I think he is shy. Or maybe just a little more inhibited than I am. He’s not awkward really but he’s so different from what I used to think of him!<\/p>\n
I wonder what he thinks about.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
And now … the continuing story … of Sheila as a junior in high school. I was madly in love, from afar, with “DW”. I mean, we were friends but he had no idea the LEVEL of MANIA going on … Continue reading