On Saturday, I had my friend Jen over. This next weekend I’m having my friend Allison over. The following week, Mitchell arrives and he will be staying with me for a bit. And at the end of April, I’m having a dinner party for all O’Malley cousins and aunts and uncles and siblings in the area. Well, and some are driving in from OTHER areas. Should be interesting, considering the SIZE of my apartment. And the fact that I only have 4 chairs. Oh well. And I want to have another girlfriend-sleepover party with my friends from Rhode Island. When Mere’s foot heals!!!<\/p>\n
Anyway. Simone (the cross-dressing red-glittery-lipsticked palm-reader who accosted all of us last Monday after my show) kept saying to me, “Home … you need to make your house a home … have people over …” etc.<\/p>\n
This was already the way the wind was blowing – but it’s really happening now. Every time I have had my friends down from Rhode Island – it is always SUCH a joy to … have people over, man. I just love it. New York is much more of a “Let’s meet out at a restaurant” type of culture. It’s just easier – since everyone is usually sprawled all over the city – and it’s easier to pick some central location, where everyone can catch their trains home, etc. And fuggedaboutit if you live in Joisey. Even if my house is closer to the city than most spots in Brooklyn. It’s still just easier, in general, to meet in the city. But the joy of having people come over … let them into my world … return the favor (because all of them have hosted me on numerous occasions) is SUCH an intense joy for me that I get all excited about it.<\/p>\n
If you’re not like me then you will have NO idea what I’m talking about – but if you ARE like me, then maybe you’ll get it. I’m a hermit. And I’m a loner. I get into habits. Habits of hibernation. Like – I disappear off the face of the earth. My apartment is a private little castle, dedicated to my obsessions. I get shy about letting people in there. My books. My movies. My writing. It’s MY place. And … I’ve been shy about having people over. It’s a very VERY big deal for me to have company. It doesn’t have to do with the STATE of my house or anything like that. It’s an adorable and cozy apartment. It’s very ME. It expresses who I am. It’s not like I have old food smeared on the floor, and empty gin bottles piled up in the sink. hahahaha It’s just I’m in a habit of … NEVER having people “drop by”.<\/p>\n
But over the last couple months, I’ve sensed that a lot of this needs to change. I need to open my house to my friends, my family – more. It gives me so much joy when Beth, Betsy, Mere (and once: Ceileidh!) come over, and stay. And use my kitchen, and give me compliments on the coziness of it … and make themselves comfortable. I love it and I need to do it more. I need to get some air in there. It will do me good, and … somehow I sense it will change me. In a way that I need to change. My social self has pretty much receded in recent years. For various reasons. I’ve had some disappointments in life that I have taken too much to heart. I have retreated.<\/p>\n
And I’ve realized that my apartment – the space where I live – is a metaphor for larger things. My whole life. WHO. I. AM. What breakthroughs would be possible for me if I just throw open those doors?<\/p>\n
So I’ve done that.<\/p>\n
I’m neurotic about my apartment – but that’s only because I’m usually the only one who sees it … so I get self-conscious about it. Basically what it comes down to is … I’m self-conscious about who I am. That’s all. And I’m determined to work on that. So what that every inch of wall space is taken up by books? So what?? I can work on this self-consciousness on my own, intellectually, and I have – but I’ve also found that just having people over, and opening up my life to them (my dear friends) … is highly relaxing and gratifying. I start to look around and see things in a different way. I lose the self-consciousness. I look at my curtains and realize, yet again, how beautiful they are. I look at how the lamplight falls on my pale yellow walls and get a deeper appreciation of how pretty it is. I look at my hard wood floors and go: “Damn. That’s so nice looking!” My reticence dissolves. It becomes a place where I can actually CELEBRATE who I am. Because the place so expresses me perfectly.<\/p>\n
Letting people in to my space – and being the hostess – and having food for my guests – and all that stuff – is, for me, like giving gifts on Christmas. This is my space. This is who I am. It’s a nice place. It’s very me. It’s a gift I can give to others. There are some people who are like that with their homes. Their doors are always open. You will always find a space at their dinner table. They LOVE to be the hosts. It gives them great great joy – those are always the funnest houses to visit. I’m learning. That’s the kind of relationship I want to have with my space. And it’s hard for me. I am sooooooo private. And did I mention neurotic? But by holding back, by WITHholding my living space … I’m withholding who I am. It’s been so much fun to just … throw that mindset away!!<\/p>\n
Jen – who helped me feng shui the joint up <\/a>– hasn’t been to my apartment since then, even though we live 5 minutes away from each other. I mean, granted, we’re both busy, our lives are nuts, yadda yadda … but God, it was so NICE to have her over. She walked in this past weekend – and just wandered around for a while – taking it all in. She’s a dear dear friend – she gets how my whole apartment-thing is a pretty big deal to me. She gets it. She had a comment for EVERYTHING. “Oh! That bookcase looks great there!” Etc. We were roommates for 9 years … so she was exclaiming over certain objects. “Oh! I remember that knick-knack!! Oh man … I miss having all your BOOKS around!” It took her half an hour to take everything in. This is why I love this girl. I’ve got tears in my eyes right now. She looked at everything. She complimented me on all my plants. One of the plants she gave me – 9 years ago – it was a teeny fragile stalk – and it is now a huge tree. Well – huge? It’s almost as tall as I am. But it was literally 3 inches long when she gave it to me. I sat back, and watched her walk around, looking at stuff – and I started to see the place through her eyes. She’s very sensitive to space, to how things are set up … when I needed to rearrange everything, she’s the one I called. She’s just got a great eye for it. I do not. So to watch her walk around, nodding happily, saying, “I love it here … it has a really good energy, Sheila … I love it …” meant so much to me.<\/p>\n It’s funny. I’m a grown woman. But having guests is still a novelty to me … and I still find it thrilling.<\/p>\n Coming out of my shell. That’s what’s happening, in more ways than one. Coming out of my shell.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" On Saturday, I had my friend Jen over. This next weekend I’m having my friend Allison over. The following week, Mitchell arrives and he will be staying with me for a bit. And at the end of April, I’m having … Continue reading