Dear Ms. Pickler:<\/p>\n
If you are going to play the dumb blonde and hope that THAT will get you more votes, because you obviously can’t sing your way to the top, and judging from the sort of sad baffled look on your face last night you KNOW THIS – I have some suggestions, because you are a terrible actress:<\/p>\n
1. Most people termed “dumb blondes” are actually quite smart and know exactly what they are doing. So-called dumb blondes PROFIT from other people UNDERESTIMATING them. I am thinking of Dolly Parton. Marilyn Monroe. Smart cookies. There are, of course, many TRULY STUPID people who are also blondes … and maybe you are one of them, hon! Looks so! But here’s the deal; You’re too dumb to play a dumb blonde. Your performance instincts are … very lacking. Your little “what’s a ballsy” nonsense last night tells me that the jig is UP, sweetheart.<\/p>\n
2. Acting 101: If you INSIST on giving yourself a line like, “What’s a ballsy?” – first of all: there is such a thing called underplaying. VERY important concept, if you want to consistently get laughs. When you give yourself a dumb and improbable line like “What’s a ballsy” – the best thing to do is to play it TOTALLY straight, almost deadpan. You might have gotten a laugh on it. Marilyn Monroe sure would have. Marilyn Monroe was given some of the stupidest text in the world … and she made it work. Sadly, though, unlike you – she had brains. Those who are not naturally gifted (read: You) sometimes do a little thing called TRAINING – because, whaddya know, not everything is just GIVEN to us in this life jsut because WE WANT IT and we have cute blonde hairdos – so these lesser talented people TRAIN … so that they can:<\/p>\n
a. learn to walk on stage without looking like a gravity experiement
\nb. learn to loosen up in front of the camera so they don’t look like a frozen-eyed dim bulb
\nc. relax enough so that they can bring their natural persona out more fully. This takes training, girl – not for someone like Mandisa or Chris or Taylor who seem completely relaxed in front of an audience – but you? You need work. Don’t let anyone tell you different.<\/p>\n
I have no idea what your natural persona is, Pickler, but I’ll tell you this. The way you said YOUR OWN LINE from your OWN HEAD “What’s a ballsy” shows that you have lost control of your own situation. There wasn’t a generous laugh response to it – the way there was for other “Oh my God, I’m so dumb” lines. People were like … Huh? It didn’t work. You’ve pushed past the point of our tolerance for you.<\/p>\n
An analogy, Kellie: You know how little kids sometimes get out of control when something goes well for them? And then very quickly they descend into tears and tragedy? At least this is my observation. For example: A little 7 year old kid makes a joke in front of a bunch of adults – and whaddya know – it is a HUGE hit with the adult set and eveyrone HOWLS with laughter. The kid then becomes GIDDY with his own success – and makes another joke – which maybe isn’t quite so good … and then, filled with shame and 7-year-old self-loathing at having LOST the love so freely given just MOMENTS before … the child quickly resorts to poop and fart jokes, which do NOT go over well, and maybe Mom or Dad says, “Hon … that’s not appropriate” … which then leaves the child in a swirling wilderness of pain – so the child publicly bursts into tears, and then has to be ushered out of the room by Mom or Dad. Oh, to fly so high so quickly, and then to have such a tragic descent! I have seen it happen, I tell ya.<\/p>\n
Dear Kellie: Your “what’s a ballsy” moment was the equivalent of a kid shouting out a poop joke at an adult dinner party, trying to re-create the glorious success of the moment before when everyone had loved him!<\/p>\n
Maybe two shows ago, you were being congratulated for this act – people were spontaneously bursting into laughter at your ADORABLE comments about your “eyelashes”, and that wide-eyed innocence you have! People lapped that crap up!! I always thought you were a bit of a phony, but that’s neither here nor there … People loved it!! They were charmed by you! Good for you! I thought that maybe you, like Marilyn or Dolly, were in CONTROL of what you were doing.<\/p>\n
Last night … you were giddy with your own success … and perhaps you were feeling not so hot about what was going on … perhaps you sensed that the tide was turning against you … There was maybe something lukewarm in the judges response? As compared to what they said to Chris or Mandisa?<\/p>\n
You sat there, and I saw this sort of frozen crestfallen thing on your face … a 7-year-old expression frankly – like: where is the love???<\/p>\n
So to try to get the love back, you created this cockamamie moment – where Ryan said, “Simon thought it was ballsy” – and you said, laughing as you said it, “What’s a ballsy?”<\/p>\n
No laugh.<\/p>\n
Uh oh.<\/p>\n
Your charm has already worn thin. You seemed not like a “dumb blonde” who knew what she was doing. But just a dumb person, with a bad haircut, and a frozen crestfallen face. Who didn’t know what she was doing. Who has no idea how to be IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, and to let her own self shine through.<\/p>\n
The jig’s up, baby.<\/p>\n
To quote sarahk, who, believe it or not, is much meaner than I am:<\/a><\/p>\n “What’s a ballsy?” Give me a big fat break, you phony inbred backwoods imbecile. Now she\u0092s not even trying to fake it properly. What kind of complete retard hears someone call her an adjective and says, \u0093What\u0092s a<\/i> ballsy?”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n I can’t stand phonies. I don’t care about people who maybe can’t sing, or who have a lot of work to do – but I can’t stand phonies. And she is one.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Dear Ms. Pickler: If you are going to play the dumb blonde and hope that THAT will get you more votes, because you obviously can’t sing your way to the top, and judging from the sort of sad baffled look … Continue reading