So I’ll continue on with the “autumn of Picnic<\/i>“, for those of you who enjoy consistency.<\/p>\n
Part 1<\/a>. The audition<\/p>\n Part 2<\/a>. The callbacks, and getting in<\/p>\n Part 3. <\/a><\/p>\n Boyfriend mania. First meeting with the director.<\/p>\n I can’t help it – I’m gonna keep including the stuff I wrote surrounding the whole Picnic experience – because it was such a full rich time – and I was trying to juggle so much – I couldn’t JUST focus on the play. I was a senior in high school, I had to get good grades, I had a boyfriend (who HUGGED ME ON THE 7TH DATE – OH. MY. GOD.), and I also was going to be “on staff” at a religious retreat – which I was sooooooooo excited about. I had gone on this retreat myself, with my friends, and it had been amazing – and then I got asked to be “on staff”. Rehearsals hadn’t started yet – but they were coming. I’d be rehearsing every night. How I was going to manage to do all of this was … freaking me out. In a huge way.<\/p>\n These couple of entries are from the respite period before rehearsals started and my whole life changed. I had NO idea what was coming.<\/p>\n I was all stressed out about grades, and my boyfriend, and how I would juggle it all …<\/p>\n But the play I had just gotten cast in was a big unknown. I knew it would be a lot of work. But it wasn’t real to me yet. I knew no one in the cast. I didn’t know the director. I was leaping off the cliff into a totally new experience. And once I was THERE, once the whole thing started – a TON of stuff just shuffled naturally into place.<\/p>\n I couldn’t know that at the time I was writing these entries below, though. I was just anxious and worried and harassed. Trying to stay calm.<\/p>\n And whatever, I’m including a loooong description of one of my dates with the boyfriend – because I had COMPLETELY forgotten it until literally this morning- and at the time, it was just an absolutely HUGE experience … I hadn’t seen Casablanca<\/i> yet – but it was like I suddenly found myself in Rick’s Cafe … you’ll see what I mean. I laughed out loud reading the whole experience and how BLOWN AWAY BY IT I WAS. Diary Friday fans, you will probably recall that my unrequited love during my junior year was the ever-present “DW”. Right? Well, “DW” makes an appearance here. “DW” had been a senior when I was a junior – so he had graduated and moved on to college – after completely SHATTERING me when he turned down my invitation to go to my prom. It was really my first experience with true heartache. Awful!!<\/p>\n Too funny – I’m a grown woman, and I’ve had a ton of crazy things happen to me – much crazier than what I describe in this journal entry – but … because I was so NEW to the whole “dating” world at that point, so new to basically everything … my astonishment at the experience just emanated off the page this morning when I read it – and my jaw dropped. I was like: “Holy shit … I totally forgot about this!!!” I re-lived it, through my own 17-year-old eyes. I love it when that happens.<\/p>\n Okay. Onward.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Mere and I went shopping in Fall River. I bought some rhinestone clip-on earrings and Tom Cruise dark glasses. [bwahahahaha Tom Cruise!! “Risky Business” had just come out. Little did I know that Xenu had already captured his soul by this point.<\/i>] I also bought some weird shoes. We had fun. I also memorized my Millie lines on the way up and back.<\/p>\n On Sautrday, I went over Kate’s. She lives right on a lake. I couldn’t stand the beauty of where she lives. All the leaves are flaming red or yellow and they float on the lake. Then, Kate and I sat on two rocks at the shore and fed two swans. Oh Diary, their beauty brought tears to my eyes. They were close enough to touch<\/u> [But you didn’t touch them … did you? Timothy Treadwell?<\/i>] Their necks and white white feathers. Kate and I sat silently for about a half-hour just watching them. One of them sort of stretched its neck way out and flapped out her feathers – almost lifting off the lake. I held my breath. Kate and I could hardly move. Their beauty hurt me. And they were so close to us and so incredibly beautiful and white. I could have watched them forever. They were eating the bread crumbs right at my feet. I’ve never been that close to a swan before. I never felt so one with nature. I felt a part of them.<\/p>\n I wonder how the swans saw us. What we looked like to them.<\/p>\n When that one swan stretched her whole body out and flapped her wings – I thought I was gonna die. I felt shivers all over me.<\/p>\n I felt so close to God. I can’t tell you how much I can’t WAIT for our retreat. Lisa T. – one of my favorite people in the world<\/u> is ON STAFF! When I told Kate that, she started screaming, we both started crying and hugging.<\/p>\n Betsy<\/u> is Rector. I hope that I can be to someone what others were for me. Ted. Sue. I’m praying – I want to be a channel of God’s peace for someone else. I can’t wait! Also – it’s gonna be in the middle of November – a November that’s going to be so crazy that I’m trying to block it out. I wish I could cancel my birthday. [hahahaha<\/i>] I almost can’t bear the anticipation and just the thought of what it’s gonna be like. To be on staff with Kate<\/u> – I really need it.<\/p>\n I had a great time at Kate’s. We just talked quietly on the shore about the swans and God and stuff. [hahahahaha<\/i>]<\/p>\n Sometimes I feel like that Simon and Garfunkle song – The 6 O’Clock News – horrendous news being reported as Silent Night is sung in the background – that there are so many awful awful awful things going on today that are so unfair and terrible, but lying somewhere below it – we have to believe that there is good. Why does the bad always overshadow the good? I have to have faith. I mean – of course I have questions, and sometimes I even wonder, “What if we’re wrong? What if — we are wrong?” But I don’t believe it. I have faith. And I’m so glad I’m being given a chance to share this with others – the way people have shared it with me. I can’t wait. It’s gonna be incredible. What a birthday present.<\/p>\n Oh, and monumental news:<\/p>\n I weigh 120!! [hahahahahahahahahaha No segue. Faith, God’s love, weight loss … it’s all part of the same thing<\/i>] I practically haven’t eaten since those auditions. I’m not hungry anymore. I don’t have time for breakfast and I never eat my sandwich at lunch. [Uhm, eating disorder?<\/i>] And Diary – it’s not like it’s only a difference numerically on the scale – I can see<\/u> it. I look better. When I wear my purple pedal pushers [bwahahahahahahahahaha<\/i>] – I’ve been so used to (for so long) being mildly unsatisfied with my weight. I look okay now!<\/p>\n Oh God. November. SATs, Drama Club play, retreat (much work), and<\/u> – Picnic – plus getting good grades before grades close for seniors. I have to do it all. I can’t drop any of it.<\/p>\n Then there is also TS. That<\/u> is what is making me so miserable. I’m just so worried all the time. All<\/u> the time. I can’t even think about it. I don’t know how anyone can just naturally have a boyfriend. And have it not be a big deal. [I still don’t<\/i>] I mean, I don’t think I could just casually have a boyfriend. I don’t know if it’s good or bad. It’s not like I’m thinking “Oh, I hope it all just settles itself, so that then we’re just ‘going out’ and it will be one less thing to worry about.” I don’t think that. It is more<\/u> to think about. It is the heaviest load I am carrying right now.<\/p>\n I can’t believe my life. I cannot believe what my life is. Why — what is this? All I can do is laugh. Things just happen to me. This is crazy. My life is unbelievable. I must rave like this. Wait til you hear. Why do these things keep<\/u> happening to me?<\/p>\n I’m calmer than I was last night so let me just tell the night like it was and you will definitely know when I come to the unbelievable part. It’s so unbelievable that I can’t even think of what to say.<\/p>\n I walked up to the Union. I felt really cool. With my Tom Cruise glasses on. [Girl, one day it will SO not be appropriate to think that anything about Tom Cruise is “cool” – I know it’s hard to contemplate, but try to imagine yourself into the future … You’re not gonna believe what happens to that Risky Business boy!!<\/i>] It’s idiotic I know, but the glasses are already one of my favorite possessions. Besides all my diaries, I mean. They make me look like a hood. [A hood in purple pedal pushers?<\/i>]<\/p>\n The fall colors this year – autumn is so beautiful – all the orange or red – it was raining yellow leaves yesterday. TS and I were talking about this once. TS said, “I honestly think that people feel most at home in the time they were born.” We’re both November people! I think that’s right. I can’t wait till it gets cold and I can wear my sweaters and my mittens.<\/p>\n It started to get dusky as I walked, so I took off my glasses. [hahahaha I love how often I’m mentioning them.<\/i>] I wasn’t even really nervous about the date – like I usually am – I was just looking forward to seeing him again.<\/p>\n I got to the Union – all these people were milling around waiting for the bus so I was just looking around – then I saw him sitting on this bench a ways away. We both saw each other, and I started over. He lay down on the bench<\/u> to make me think I was late. Some people nearby saw this, and started laughing. Right then<\/u> – as I started over to him, and this guy and girl saw him lie back, then looked at me, smiling at me as I trotted over to him – right then I got this strange outside-of-myself feeling – like being seen<\/u> as being with TS<\/u> – That does happen to me a lot.<\/p>\n We had an hour until the movie so we went into the Union and sat in the lounge. He brought his second draft of his script – he finished it! He wanted me to read it. So we sat there for an hour. I read the script. He read the TV section and pretended that he wasn’t watching me as I read it. The script is so funny<\/u>. I’d think so if I didn’t know that TS had written it. Some of it made me laugh out loud. When I finished it, we sat and talked about his plans for filming. He said to me, “When is your play gonna be put on?” I said, “End of November.” and he said, “Oh – maybe you’ll want to auditoin for this.” I will! Does he want me to be in it? Me<\/u>? [Sheila, stop doing that. He’s not better than you. Stop making yourself less than him. Thanks.<\/i>]<\/p>\n Then we started over to the nursing building. [hahahaha what??? I think that that was where the “film noir” series was happening – I believe that that was what we were going to see …<\/i>] It was dark by this time. The campus is so pretty. The movie was so good! I want to see it again! Uncle Harry<\/a>. It was really good. Not so melodramatic as The Letter <\/a>either – and funny too. A happy ending!<\/p>\n I was sitting next to him thinking: How do people go out with each other? I know it’s stupid. I did<\/u> watch the movie but I was still aware<\/u> of him. His big hands on his knees, his glasses glinting in the dark. I was aware of his breathing, for Pete’s sake! His chest rising and falling – I was just aware of him<\/u>. I’m so confused. It’s so much fun being with TS – but especially since that night when he hugged me – I just don’t know what I’m feeling. I really don’t. I wish there was someway that I could know<\/u>. How can you ever be sure that what you’re doing is true to how you feel? I mean – when he was hugging me – I suddenly felt like I loved him with every fiber of my being – and I do – but what does it all mean? Do I know what I’m doing? Am I behaving in a way that is true to how I actually feel? I wonder if I’m actually just not ready. Will I ever be ready? Will it come to me in a revelation someday, “Yes, Sheila. It is right.”<\/p>\n Okay – so the movie finished. We decided to walk back to my house – it was only 8:30 or so. We talked. He told me about some of Matt’s film projects – There were stories that were so funny that at times I had to just stop and let myself laugh. So funny<\/u>. We were sort of just wandering around campus talking – and we were on some back street, down low in a valley – it was dark – these two guys were walking down the sidewalk towards us – so TS and I sort of stepped around them, but then one of those guys said, “Hey! TS!” TS stopped, looked at them, and said, “Hey!” I stopped, turned around, and saw that it was DW<\/u>.<\/p>\n We have just reached the unbelievable part, by the way.<\/p>\n Yes. It was DW. Do you believe this? What are the chances of that happening? My heart honestly stopped beating. I could NOT MOVE. I was honestly just standing there, staring at DW, thinking:<\/p>\n “I cannot believe this.”<\/p>\n It wasn’t even traumatic or anything – just unbelievable – and in a way – very very funny. All I can say about the whole thing is: I can’t believe it. I think about it and I just want to LAUGH!<\/p>\n Okay. It was DW and DO (He also went to SK – he and DW were bosom buddies). I can’t believe my stupid life. Why do I keep wanting to laugh? Okay, so I saw that it was him. A photograph of me at that moment would have been entitled:<\/p>\n “Sheila O’Malley has turned to stone.”<\/p>\n There he was. There stood DW. And TS. And I was with TS. There are no words to express how I felt. I just stood there, as the two of them shook hands, and said, “Hi! How are you? How’ve you been?” Nobody looked at me yet. I finally just said, “Hi, DW.” He looked down at me – (what was he thinking??) – and then took a second look – a closer one – and said, “Sheila<\/u>?” in this really surprised way. Then he said, really slowly, in this long drawn-out way, “God<\/u>. You look … different ……….. You belong in college. You look like you’re in college.” [hmmmmmm<\/i>] I stood there just smiling like a dopey jerk – but it still so thrilled me – to look at him again – to see his face again – having him look at me, see me, say my name like that. I mean, my heart aches – but he was impressed with what I looked like – the way<\/u> he recognized me – like – “Sheila<\/u>?”<\/p>\n And also – just the fact that I was with TS. It was just too funny to even be real – but I felt so on top of things. How can I expalin it except to say that it was unbelievable and hysterical? I’m so glad that I’m YOUNG. I feel very youthful right now – not juvenile – just very energetic, young, and full of hope. There was something about standing there, between those two men, everyone being all nice, and shaking hands, but with all this stuff going on underneath – that made me feel very young.<\/p>\n So the four of us stood there and talked for about 15 minutes. What was DW thinking? [I can tell you exactly what he was thinking. He was thinking: “Damn. She was a little girl when she had a crush on me. And now she’s skinny, she’s hanging out with a 19 year old guy, and she looks like she’s in college!! Hmmmm … I am now seeing Sheila in a whole new light!”<\/i>] Whenever we looked in each other’s eyes – it’s like we know<\/u> – because a lot has happened. A lot happened between us.<\/p>\n TS talked to DO and I talked to DW – I don’t think TS knows about DW and me. Oh brother, I feel so twisted up inside. I liked DW so much, and for so long, that I could easily start it up again. I’m not through<\/u> liking him yet. [And I think, strangely enough, Sheila – just reading your description here: he’d be open to it now!! He wasn’t when you were 16 and he was 18 … but you could get him now! But that was never my destiny. With me, the timing is allllways off.<\/i>] Even while I was standing there next to TS, my whole soul was screeching: “DW!!!” I felt so awful and confused.<\/p>\n DW asked me, “So how’s old SK doing?” I rolled my eyes and he grinned. “You can’t wait to get out, right?” I asked him how he liked college. He said so sincerely, “I love it so much<\/u>, Sheila. You’ll love it, too.” He asked about the band. I told him that April was President. I couldn’t stand it. I was standing there talking with him again, looking at him, seeing him.<\/u>. Once again – no wonder<\/u> I loved him. He is so so nice. Just a nice nice<\/u> person. I felt like I could talk to him forever. We always had good conversations.<\/p>\n And just the whole thing that – I was with TS. I was with TS.<\/u> And DW was looking at us, taking it all in. I wish I was a mindreader. I wonder what was going on in his head. DW asked me if “there were any dramatic productions in the making”. I told him about Hans Christian Andersen – Then (oooh, I’m a sly devil) I said, “I’m in one here, too.” And he said, “No kidding! Good for you! Which one?” So I told him about Picnic (first rehearsal Saturday) – and he said, “Well, I’ll have to come see it.” [And you know what? He did. Unbelievable. Showed up unannounced, by himself, and waited for me after the show. I’m still amazed by this.<\/i>]<\/p>\n Oh Diary. If only he had ceased to exist. This is hard. Now I can’t stop thinking about him.<\/p>\n Seeing him last night – it’s always hard when I run into him – but last night, I felt happy.<\/p>\n I’m so glad this week is over. I’m out of it and I’m very ugly and depressed.<\/p>\n First rehearsal tomorrow. I’m shakin’ in my boots.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" So I’ll continue on with the “autumn of Picnic“, for those of you who enjoy consistency. Part 1. The audition Part 2. The callbacks, and getting in Part 3. Boyfriend mania. First meeting with the director. I can’t help it … Continue reading OCTOBER 8<\/h3>\n
OCTOBER 9<\/h3>\n
OCTOBER 11<\/h3>\n
OCTOBER 12<\/h3>\n