I’m having a party tonight for my cousins and any O’Malley in a 500 mile radius. My sisters are coming. Cousins and cousins spouses. Sadly, uncle won’t be able to make it. I’m cooking. I went shopping. I am also ordering food in. It’s a sun-blasted day. I’m sorta blue. Not sure why. This happened the last time I took Diary Friday into the realm of cherished memories – as opposed to just goofy high school stuff. Sometimes it’s good to let stuff stay in the past. Also – because I know what comes next … I read my ecstatic words and feel sort of eerie and sad about it. Existentially sad. Silly, but that’s what’s happened. I’m listening to Queen right now. “Too much love will kill you”. That pretty much sums it up.<\/p>\n
And the pain will make you crazy
\nYou’re the victim of your crime
\nToo much love will kill you every time<\/p>\n
“The pain will make you crazy”. Yes. It did. That ecstatic frenzied girl was headed for a crash that wiped everything out for a good long while. So that’s what I sense in those diary friday words … I sense the wave approaching. It’s disturbing – even though, duh, I was there, and I lived it, and it’s over now.<\/p>\n
Also I threw a bunch of stuff out today … I got rid of a bunch of cassette tapes (!!! Yes! I still have tapes!) – I have all these mix tapes given to me by people throughout my life. My sisters, my brother, etc … but also … digging thru them I saw handwriting I didn’t recognize … Some of them are mix tapes given to me by guys I don’t even remember – a guy I went on one or two dates with – a guy I dated for 2 weeks – whatever … but in that space of time they were able to make me a mix tape. Ghosts. Throw ’em out.<\/p>\n
And then I also found a tape that I (believe it or not) totally forgot I had. It has my scribbling on the “liner notes” – and it says: Phone calls. The second i saw those words I remembered what this tape was. I kept this tape going during a really lonely time in my life – not even lonely – I was haunted. And I would keep a recording of answering-machine messages that I wanted to save. So … I could listen to them later? So … I could have evidence? I don’t know. But I made the mistake of listening to that tape this morning. I still can’t throw it out … Recordings of long-ago messages left for me from ex-boyfriends … you know. The triumvirate. What a horrible idea. To keep a record of those calls AND to listen to it years later. There’s a marriage proposal there. A serious one. From a guy I’ve mentioned on this blog before, but I won’t name him here – just respecting his privacy. The marriage proposal came from out of nowhere – we hadn’t seen each other in years. But he meant it – and the whole thing made a strange sort of sense. I must have called him back a couple of times … and got no response from him (can’t remember) because the next message from him is: “Leave it to me to ask you to marry me and then promptly disappear.” When I listened this morning, I burst out laughing at that part – his deep sexy voice saying that. I ended up flying out to meet him so we could talk about this marriage thing. Because I was considering it. For many reasons. Rainy morning, we had breakfast together, stacks of pancakes, and I remember I had on saddle shoes, like Lucy van Pelt. This whole scene just came flooding back to me when I listened to that message from years ago. We sat across from each other in a booth, and I put my feet up on the seat opposite. I told him I would marry him. He ate my leftover pancakes. We talked about marriage, and we were freaked out. Rain pounded against the windows of the diner. I hadn’t seen him in years. We went back to Mitchell’s apartment. Mitchell ended up yelling at us because we were waffling on this marriage thing. After the pancakes? Waffles, apparently. He and I were sitting on the couch together and Mitchell lectured us sternly. “I think the two of you should spend the rest of your lives together. What the hell do you want from me?” hahahaha Mitchell was tired of us. We were tired of us.<\/p>\n
Funny memories. But not so funny this morning.<\/p>\n
When I saved those messages I had no idea that they would act as such eerie time-travelers.<\/p>\n
I laughed as I listened to the tape … there are some very funny messages on there … but afterwards, I felt very weird. I looked around and looked at my apartment and thought: Where am I?<\/p>\n
I am looking forward to seeing my family. Having O’Malleys raging through my apartment will remind me of the present … will make my NOW seem real. But for now?<\/p>\n
Haunted.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I’m having a party tonight for my cousins and any O’Malley in a 500 mile radius. My sisters are coming. Cousins and cousins spouses. Sadly, uncle won’t be able to make it. I’m cooking. I went shopping. I am also … Continue reading