Next installment in the Picnic adventure.<\/p>\n
Part 1<\/a>. The audition In this next one – the repercussions of dropping out of the religious retreat started to really hit me. Also, my general non-stop busy-ness was starting to wear me down.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n School has been horrendous this week. Oh dear Lord. But it’s the last week of the quarter so all the teachers are heaping on the work. I can’t miss a day. This week, I had 3 papers due in English, my French journal – Next Tuesday I have a practical in Physiology and I haven’t even seen the bones yet. [hahahahahahaha<\/i>] I have so much work. And I also have rehearsals every night from 7 to 11. It is all wearing me out. I have no time. I need time. Time to myself. Time to think. I have none at all.<\/p>\n Also, the retreat is this weekend. In fact, it’s going on right now. Honestly, it really hasn’t hit me yet – that I wasn’t gonna be there. Something that I’ve been praying for to happen for so long<\/u>. Lisa, Betsy, Kate, Ricky – I won’t be there. Last night after I got home from work [work?? You still go to your job?? Quit the damn job, at least for the quarter!!!<\/i>] I sat at the dining room table and did caritas for a while. It tore me apart. All of those people I love so much<\/u>. And writing those letters – just writing them ripped me apart. I just burst into tears at the table. Part of it was exhaustion. I really am worn paper-thin. Also, it was TS’ birthday. I bought him a card but I didn’t have time to call him or see him.<\/p>\n And I thought<\/u> that I’d be able to go to the Closing [at the end of the weekend retreat, there’s a big closing ceremony – where families come, friends, whoever<\/i>] – I didn’t know that it started at 4. I went to Betsy’s before rehearsal to give her my caritas. I felt so droopy, utterly depressed. I am going through really rough times. I sleep in school. I have never looked as bad as I do now. And when Betsy told me that the Closing was at 4:00, I froze. Heap boulders on me. She drove me up to the theatre, and when I got out of the car, I was near tears. I just stood there. The sky! Quickly scudding clouds, and the huge silver full moon peeking out. It was chillyl\\ and windy and vast. Before I got out of the car I leaned over to Betsy and we hugged really tight. I said, “Have a beautiful weekend.” And she said, “Thanks, honey.” As she drove away, I could only whimper inside, “I want to be there.” I felt so empty and desolate.<\/p>\n That retreat was gonna be SO special. It was so so so hard to give it up. It still hadn’t hit me. Doing caritas was what did it to m e. I was so tired anyway. Before rehearsal I really tried to get myself under control – but I couldn’t. I just felt bland and empty inside.<\/p>\n But then during rehearsal – it felt so great. I felt so secure. We did Act I and Act II. In Act II, I have to scream and cry and go running off stage where I throw up – Thursday was the first time I really felt it. I really felt it. I screamed, “MADGE IS THE PRETTY ONE! MADGET IS THE PRETTY ONE!” I shoved Joanna away from me – I felt it all inside me – and I went running offstage. I really did feel sick inside. Oh Diary. It’s very weird, but we all stay in character on and off stage. I can feel myself just … being Millie all the time. We did Act II about 3 times, and each time I flew off – Brett was waiting there. He held out his arms to me. Or he took my arm and pulled me over to him. Then he just held me until our cue. He smoothed my hair. I was still Millie, though. It’s creepy. I wasn’t Sheila. I was Millie, and I was sick, and I was not pretty like my sister. Millie and Alan have this special bond anyway. But Brett was gentle – and at one point – I could hear his heart beating. I could hear it when he swallowed. I could hear and feel his heart<\/u>.<\/p>\n My favorite part is Act II because I totally go crazy. And when I go crazy, someone is there to comfort me, help me come down. Then when he leads me back onstage, I’m still groggy and depressed – Liz comes over to me –<\/p>\n On Thursday, it was scary – I just stood up there – and it was all too much. The retreat, being Millie, acting, feeling, loving – being hugged and feeling loved – I just stood up there weeping. It was so real that it wasn’t even “acting”. But it was scary. I don’t ever want a boyfriend. It’s all too much for me.<\/p>\n Thursday’s rehearsal was weird cause of what was going on in my real life – but it was really hard and really scary to put myself through that scene so many times – I have to fall on my knees, sobbing, “I wanna die! I wanna die!” I never really felt<\/u> anything in that scene until Thursday. And suddenly – I really wanted to die. How can I want<\/u> to do that in front of a huge group of strangers I don’t even know? Just doing it in front of the cast was scary enough. I just SCREECHED, as I staggered around the stage, “MADGE IS THE PRETTY ONE!” It was scary – crying and running backstage – I am Millie.<\/p>\n We had like a 15-minute break so I went down in the house to just sit and look over my lines, and I remembered that on Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s rehearsal – we did the Alan-Millie scene. Talk about putting your real feelings on stage! Rough. Kate said, “It’s unbelievable – the undercurrent beneath your scenes.” I mean, Picnic is not acting. It’s being<\/u>. Acting<\/u> is something to avoid. Kimber said, “There is a difference between playing an emotion and having<\/u> an emotion.” When he said that, it all clicked for me. Immediately.<\/p>\n It’s sort of contradictory, but it’s easier to just let yourself feel whatever is going on in the scene than to reach for the emotion that you think you should be having – but it is so so hard to let yourself go through it, to actually experience it.<\/p>\n The scene I have with Alan is the hardest one I have, I think. Because it’s real – not just cause it’s Brett – but because I feel myself freezing up. I feel myself trying to put up a shield because of rejection. I always want to cry during that scene, because it’s rough. I can feel my own awkwardness – and I just remember DW – and how I would try to tell him how I felt about him – and I honestly don’t know if I can do that in front of an audience. Kate said to me, “Yes, you will be expressing yourself, but you’re going to touch people.” I hope so. [I love how my friend Kate appears to be taking the role of acting coach. She wasn’t even at the rehearsals! But obviously I had told her all about it, in great detail.<\/i>]<\/p>\n Anyways, I was sitting in the house and I was thinking about that scene and how it didn’t feel right yet. So I got up and went over to Brett who was fumbling around in his duffel bag and I said, “Brett?” He straightened to look at me and I told him that I was sort of having trouble with it. The first thing he said was, “Is it me?” I said, “No – no – I just feel a million miles away from the whole scene –” He interrupted me and said, “Follow me.” He walked down to the far front corner of the house and sat in a seat and I sat next to him. He had a pipe in his mouth (he uses it to get into an Alan frame of mind) – and we started talking about. We went through it.<\/p>\n Then he said, “Okay, let’s try it.” When we’re onstage – he sits on the porch steps – I sit on the cistern – so we aren’t really physically close – but right then, we were touching – our knees and elbows were touching – For me, the scene had never felt real before – and suddenly, there, it felt real. I couldn’t stand how close I felt to him – Some things happened that had never happened before onstage. He said to me, “I’m glad you like me, Millie.” And then – our eyes locked – I was drawn to him – It wasn’t acting. It was an actual conversation<\/u>. A real conversaion. Finally I said, “I don’t expect you to do anything about it. I just wanted to tell you.” [Man. Art imitates life.<\/i>]<\/p>\n After I said that line, I felt this big relief – and he smiled at me – really slowly – and then, very cautiously, we became Brett and Sheila again. I could feel myself trying to feel my way back into myself. Brett said, “That felt really good. We had some moments in there we’ve never had before.”<\/p>\n In that small conversation – as Alan and Millie, and also as Brett and Sheila – I really felt like his close friend. And – I am. That’s the whole thing. I really am. And that makes me so happy.<\/p>\n On Thursday, he was acting really bummed. Whenever Hal and Madge have their love scene, he leaves. I heard him say to Joanne, “I really can’t watch the scene cause it really bumes me out.”<\/p>\n I know how he feels. I’m not onstage when Joanna says, “Mom, tell Millie I never meant it all the times I said I hated her. Tell her I’ve always been proud that I’ve had such a smart sister” – I sit backstage and I just start crying. Every time I hear those words. It’s scary when the acting and livng become real, and you can’t tell where you end and where the character starts.<\/p>\n Later on, Brett was just standing backstage and we were waiting for our cue – I looked over at him, and he was standing absolutely still. I said, “How ya doin’, Brett?” He looked at me and made this grimace face. He whispered, “I can’t watch that Hal\/Madge scene. As Alan, it really depresses me.” I nodded. He stepped forward and hugged me. He said, “I wish sometimes that Kimber would just tell<\/u> people what to do. Not show<\/u> them.” Brett has a clean nice smell.<\/p>\n Diary, I want to really really fall in love someday. I want to have so much love in my heart that it honestly aches. [Careful what you wish for there, girlie.<\/i>]<\/p>\n There’s more to tell.<\/p>\n First of all: the play’s coming together great. We are down to run-throughs. They’re moving the set in soon. I LOVE IT. I CAN’T WAIT. Thursday night Brett drove me and Joe home. Joe lay down in the backseat so I sat up front with Brett. It was cool. I mean, in a way, I really do love him – I adore him<\/u> actually – I have a huge crush<\/u> – but I love them all<\/u>. I really do love them all<\/u>. They are all good kind people, and I love them.<\/p>\n Oh! And Brett thought I was 18! I said in the car, “Well, when I get my driver’s license, I’ll<\/u> drive everyone around.”<\/p>\n He glanced at me. “Wait – aren’t you 18?”<\/p>\n I wasn’t about to lie to him. I shook my head, staring at him through the dark.<\/p>\n He said, “17?” I said, “16.” [hahahahahahahahaha<\/i>] He didn’t say anything – pulled into the driveway. As I got out, Joe climbed into the front and as they pulled out and drove away, I was standing on the porch and we were yelling lines from the play back and forth at 11:30 at night. It was so funny.<\/p>\n They’re my friends. My good friends.<\/p>\n Tonight’s rehearsal was even better. We did Act II and Act III. I tore offstage after my screaming in Act II – It felt alive, vital, crystal clear – It’s hard playing a part so like myself – because it’s me<\/u> that I am exposing.<\/p>\n Act II is the hardest. I have to stand there, dying of awkwardness, trying to get up the courage to ask Madge, “How do you talk to boys?” That is the<\/u> hardest scene because – it could have been extracted from my damn Diary.<\/p>\n “Madge — do you think he’ll like me?”<\/p>\n “When it comes to boys, I’m absolutely ignorant.”<\/p>\n It’s so hard. It’s very very hard. It hurts because it’s real<\/u>.<\/p>\n Reherasal ended and Brett glanced at me. “Need a ride?” I said, “Sure! Thank you!”<\/p>\n Happiness. Contentmet. Why are those sometimes more hard to bear than grief? I can’t stand how happy I am now. The minute I walk into high school, it drops. I slump in my chair. All I can think about is Picnic, Kansas, Millie – Brett, Eric, Joanna, Joanne, Liz, Joe, Jennifer, Linda – Once I walk into high school I start getting worried about things, thing that disappear with them because they’re already out of high school – they’re open and caring – Oh, and also – when I am with them, I feel beautiful. [To my high school friends: I know I also felt the same way about you guys. hahahaha Just have to put that in here!! I think I meant just the actual larger atmosphere of high school.<\/i>] I mean, I know I’m not ravishingly gorgeous – but – when I’m at the theatre, I feel beautiful. At high school, I am moody and odd. I stick out like a sore thumb.<\/p>\n I gathered my stuff together. I don’t want to pinpoint my emotions in the moment. It just felt good. For a minute, it was awkward – cause Joanna came over and offered me a ride and I didn’t want to sound like, “Oh – I’m going with Brett …” My insecurities rattled through me. I was so worried that she went home in a rage at me. [hahahaha I’m sure she was fine, Sheila. It’s okay. Calm down. Always so so worried.<\/i>] I said, “Oh – thank you but Brett’s going that way …” I know the words sound snobby – but everybody knows I’m not a snob. We all yelled goodbye to her and Brett said, “Okay – could you wait just a sec – I have to go to my locker.” I lit up in a phony way. “Just like high school!” He whirled around to me and started strangling me. We walked into the back hall and Joe sort of intercepted Brett and Brett looked at me and said, “Could I have just a minute with him?” I almost laughed. I said, “Of COURSE!” But – I feel like such a tagalong sometimes. Such a … I don’t know – just awkward. Of course I started thinking, “They’re talking about me.” Blah blah, I’m so dumb. The world doesn’t rotate around me. At least not exactly<\/u> around me, [bwahahahahahahaha<\/i>] So I sat on a lounge bench feeling dumb dumb dumb dumb, wishing I had gone with Joanna. After a while, I heard Brett call my name from the guy’s dressing room. I guess Joe had left. So I wandered down there sort of cautiously. I don’t know what I was expecting in there. Brett called out to me, “Come on in – Don’t worry – the wall isn’t lined with urinals.” [I love that he read my mind THROUGH THE WALLS<\/i>] Well, it looked just like the girls dressing room – a long table lined with lit mirrors, sinks, lockers. He was standing there putting his tap shoes into his duffel bag. He told me how much fun tap classes are. He was raving about it. We had about three false starts. We got all the way out of the building when he realized he had forgot his script. So we went running back in to get it. We got to the lobby when he stopped. He had forgot his jacket. One<\/u> more time – he forgot his keys. Ths time he dropped his bag right next to me, said, “Just wait here” and went running back into the theatre.<\/p>\n And finally we were ready to go. We went outside. It was dark and sort of drizzling. The ground was wet. It was a beautiful cool night. Quiet. It was about 11:30 by the time we got out so the parking lot was deserted. We didn’t even talk. I was so aware of the clicking of my shoes. I was just walking and enjoying the sky and being with him.<\/p>\n The silence isn’t uncomfortable. With TS – no matter how at ease I am with him – there’s that little bit that makes it awkward. Silences are AWFUL. TS will start humming. I rack my brains for SOMETHING to say. I hate that. Anne once said to me, “I think our friendship is so cool cause we can just sit and be quiet with each other.”<\/p>\n We had just done Act III. And at one point during that last group scene, I glanced around – as Millie – and saw Brett crying. He had tears in his eyes – it moved me – watching anybody<\/u> cry, as you know, makes me cry. But watching him. It made me ache inside.<\/p>\n So as we walked towards the parking lot, I said to him suddenly, “You are so good.” I suppose out of the blue that does sound pretty weird cause he glanced at me like WHAT?<\/u> and I said, “You’re such a good actor, Brett.” He was sort of laughing and saying, “What made you say that?” And I said, “Oh, I was just watching you today. It was real.” We then had to scramble through the ditch to get to the parking lot, and as he climbed up onto the pavement he said, “I’m not just saying this to be modest, but I’m really not. I’ve got a lot to learn. I’ve put SO MUCH time into this one. I mean, Alan is so opposite from me. I’m just trying to get a handle on him.<\/p>\n Oh. An actor<\/u>. He’s serious<\/u> about it. And he is one of the nicest people I have ever met. I’m not exaggerating or bullshitting. I MEAN IT.<\/p>\n Okay, we got to his car and he unlocked my door. Right before I got in, this girl’s voice called from a nearby car: “Brett? Could I talk to you for a minute?” I didn’t know who it was but I imeediatley thought that it was Joanna [hahahaha Like she would be like: “Brett? Can I talk to you? I really wanted to drive Sheila home tonight and I really feel like you one-upped me in a way that pisses me off.” hahahaha I was so insecure!<\/i>] Brett grinned at me, opened the car door for me, and said, “I’ll be right with you” – and I got in – wishing I were dead, wishing I had called for a ride, wishing that the ground would swallow me up so that I could disappear forever.<\/p>\n I waited about 10 minutes. Raindrops started pelting the windows. I kept glancing over at the other car. Brett was leaning in the passenger side window and talking. I DIDN’T WANT TO BE THERE. I have never felt so trapped. I sat in Brett’s car with my hand over my eyes – 10 minutes<\/u> of aloneness and awkwardness. I kept thinking, “I should have gone with Joanna.”<\/p>\n Finally Brett came back over and got in. It was really raining now. I love the silence in a car with the rain on the roof, so close. He closed the door. The streetlamps were shining so I could see his face. When he got in the atmosphere between us was really charged. He smiled apologetically at me – I smiled back – but his eyes looked sad somehow. I wasn’t about to ask “What” or “Who was that?” (I would have DIED first.) But (I admit humbly) I was also dying to know. But I didn’t want him to feel like he had to tell me, so I didn’t say anything. I just smiled at him. He sat in his seat and sighed, still grinning at me. Maybe I looked a little sad too. I don’t know. While sitting in that car, waiting for him, I suddenly felt totally alone in the world<\/u> – with the rain closing in on me.<\/p>\n We just sat there quietly. I was staring out at the rain and I could feel that he was looking at me. But it was impossible for me to look at him. I felt like a tagalong. Very young<\/u>. Brett waved his hand in front of my face to see if I was there, so I smiled at him. Diary, I don’t know what happened to me during that 10 minute wait, but I couldn’t talk. I just couldn’t talk. I like Brett in this way that makes me feel helpless sometimes. When he hugs me backstage, I feel this strength coming from him. It makes me feel strong too.<\/p>\n He didn’t start the car yet. We were both just sitting there, smiling sadly. Brett sighed again, really deeply and said, “If you’ll pardon the expression: Women<\/u>!” I laughed a little bit and said, “I’m sorry!” “Yeah. As of now you are a spokeswoman for your sex. Sorry about that.” I just shrugged, I couldn’t think of anything to say that wasn’t like: “What was that all about? Who was that girl? Why did she want to talk to you?”<\/p>\n But I didn’t have to ask because he told me anyway. Thinking about the talk we had … He always makes me feel better. Or – at ease. He makes me feel good about myself, and I get to relax when I am with him.<\/p>\n After a silence he said, “Remember Carla from the party?” [The chick who waited til the last minute to get a costume!<\/i>]<\/p>\n I nodded. “I liked her.”<\/p>\n “I know, so do I. She’s a nice girl – but I don’t know – maybe I’m giving her the wrong idea. I don’t mean<\/u> to. This always happens to me. She’s acting like such a wounded puppy about it too. She’s been sitting out in her car waiting for me for an hour. It’s really hurting me – I want to let her down, like ‘Sorry, I just don’t care that way for you’ – but if only she wouldn’t act like such a wounded puppy!”<\/p>\n I am not even gonna try to explain how I felt listening to him. [hahahahaha<\/i>] In the car, with the rain, talking about things with him – life and love – not just Picnic – I said to him (and I don’t know where this came from) “I know how she feels.” [Uhm … do you REALLY not know where that came from???<\/i>]<\/p>\n I DO! I acted just like Carla with DW – I’d hang around like crazy for him, loitering, waiting. It was horrible.<\/p>\n Brett said, “I know you know. I know it hurts. But what am I supposed to do? A while ago, I invited a few people over for dinner – Liz, and her too – and I guess she got the wrong idea or something. Because she said to me, ‘You want to go for a walk?’ So I said ‘Sure!’ You know – so we went for a walk on the beach and, I don’t know, she just started getting weird – this always seems to happen. Like last summer I worked with this girl and we had a really close relationship. I mean, it might have gone somewhere, but then she called me up and said, ‘We’re getting too serious.’ I was like – What?<\/u> Where did that come from?”<\/p>\n I was just listening. I couldn’t think of anything to say. Finally I said, “I’ve never been on your end.”<\/p>\n He said, “It’s just as bad.” “Have you told her how you feel?” And he said, “I’ve tried – but how do I got about it – I mean, she’s making me feel awful right now the way she’s acting about it.” I didn’t say anything, just listened. He was staring straight forward out the window. I felt overwhelmed by it. I still do. That we were really honestly talking<\/u>. He was sharing something with me. I felt so … proud or something. Finally, he looked at me and smiled. The silence grew. That’s another thing: I can look him in the eye. Then he said, finally, “I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been here. Probably sit here and just talk to myself.” He started the car.<\/p>\n I was clutching my script in my hands. I was tingling. I could feel my toes curl, my hair bristle … [what the fuck? Are you Elpheba?<\/i>] I felt everything. I’ll never forget our conversation. [which is rather amusing because until I re-read this entry this morning, I had completely forgotten this whole thing.<\/i>]<\/p>\n Honesty is so beautiful.<\/p>\n The car kept stalling cause of the wet. It stalled at a light. It stalled on South road- and he pulled over – turned it off – and we sat for a minute, waiting. Darkness, speckled windshield. I wanted to hold his hand. Not necessarily romantically. It doesn’t make a difference to me. I have a crush, so what. But I love this guy. I want to be a good friend to him.<\/p>\n When the car started again, Brett started off the conversation with, “So enough about me! What’s up with you?”<\/p>\n I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I leaned my head back. He looked at me. “What? It looks like something’s on your mind.” [See – these are the reasons that I loved Brett, and that I still love Brett. Not just for what he gave me back then but for who he is today. He takes you seriously. He’s intuitive. Like … that little moment: “It looks like something’s on your mind.” Having a guy even NOTICE that something was going on outside his little universe – was a new thing for me. And to have him SAY it … It was hugely relaxing for me. Changed my life – and it changed what I expected of men – later on, when I would have boyfriends, etc. Already – my friendship with Brett had made me see my relationship with TS in a new light.<\/i>]<\/p>\n When I said honesty is hard – I mean it. I knew what I wanted to say but it took me so long to get it out. The awkwardness with myself is still there. I said, “It’s just that – it’s really rough going back to high school after a rehearsal like tonight – I want everything there to be like it is in the theatre – and it just isn’t.”<\/p>\n Brett said, “Well – we can be ourselves.” “Brett – then why do I –” He knew before I finished what I was gonna say. And he said, “Because. You’re mature. You are somehow out of that mindset. I mean, if you were high school-ish – we all would have blown you off long ago. I mean, you’ll find that the majority of people in college are<\/u> high school types, and immature – but you’ve already found a group. And you belong with us. You’re one of us.” There was a long pause, and then he exploded, “Sheila. You told me you were 16. It freaked me out.<\/u> 16?”<\/p>\n Right then he pulled into the driveway. I opened the door, just slightly so that the light came on and I turned back to somehow say good night or thank you to him. Don’t ask me how I knew it, but I somehow knew<\/u> or felt<\/u> that he was going to hug me – what was in his eyes and smile said so much more than anything – I could see the hug there – but I am a JERK<\/u> – he didn’t hug me. That’s why I feel dumb saying that he would have hugged me – he was going<\/u> to – I could feel it in his smile<\/u> – that’s where it was. I think something in my face made him not hug me. I really think that’s what it is. I didn’t give him a chance. It’s all blurry to me now. [Really? Sounds to me like you are describing every moment in excruciating detail!<\/i>]<\/p>\n So no, he didn’t hug me, but his smile warmed me to the tips of my toes. Then<\/u> he reached out and touched my hair.<\/p>\n I said, “Thank you, Brett.”<\/p>\n He said, “See you tomorrow morning.”<\/p>\n I got out of the car. My heart was pounding. I could feel my upper arms straining because I just wanted to SQUEEZE HIM. As I ran past the front of the car, I waved to him through the windshield and as he pulled out, he beeped good-bye.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Next installment in the Picnic adventure. Part 1. The audition Part 2: The callbacks, getting into the play Part 3: First meeting with the director Part 4. The calm before the storm … the time before rehearsals started … memorizing … Continue reading
\nPart 2: <\/a> The callbacks, getting into the play
\nPart 3:<\/a> First meeting with the director
\nPart 4.<\/a> The calm before the storm … the time before rehearsals started … memorizing lines, etc.
\nPart 5. <\/a> Rehearsals start
\nPart 6. <\/a> Rehearsals. Stress building.
\nPart 7. <\/a> Crush with Brett intensifying. Finding my own way as an actress. Stress building.
\nPart 8.<\/a> Dropping out of religious retreat with much sturm und drang.
\nPart 9<\/a>. Being invited to college party
\nPart 10. <\/a> Going to college party
\nPart 11<\/a>. Aftermath of college party!<\/p>\nNOVEMBER 9<\/h3>\n