I was on my little commuter bus, which was falling apart at the seams. They all are. This is an incredibly underground operation – and if I was ever injured on that bus, and wanted to sue – I would have no idea who to even CALL. Salsa music was BLARING (like always) and a Spanish talk show was playing on the television. There is a television on my bus. It’s not a video tape or a DVD either – it’s actual television, so when we go through the Lincoln Tunnel, the TV goes to snow. It’s ridiculous. Everyone on the rickety bus was watching the talk show with rapt bilingual attention, and swaying happily to the salsa music. My busride is always a cacophony of sound and it is totally annoying to tell you the truth – even more annoying when folks bring on their stinky McDonalds food – the aroma of which takes over the whole bus – but the ride is cheap, and so convenient that I can roll out my front door practically, hail the damn bus down, and be on my way. It’s distinctly third-world. The woman next to me was reading her Bible in Spanish. She was in the Book of Genesis. In case you care.<\/p>\n
This is how I get into the city. It is always like this. It is completely absurd but I no longer find it odd. Like I said, it’s annoying sometimes – especially when my bus is pulled over by the cops for going through an EZ Pass lane into the Tunnel. Ya gotta love it when your bus is pulled over by the cops on a semi-regular basis. And when the driver speaks NOT ONE WORD, not ONE WORD of English. So the cop is saying, “You can’t go through the EZ Pass lane – how many times do I have to tell you that? If I catch you again …” And the bus driver is staring blankly at the cop, having no idea what is being said. Or – of course they know what is being said – and they probably DO speak English but pretending to NOT speak English works more to their advantage. Who knows. I don’t even care. All I know is is that now I will be late for whatever because this jagoff won’t follow simple rules.<\/p>\n
New Jersey Transit also goes near my ‘hood – but it’s not as convenient. It just isn’t. You can’t FLAG DOWN New Jersey transit. Or – you CAN, but the driver will ignore you and shriek on by. But you can flag down these busses!<\/p>\n
So this morning.<\/p>\n
I put the ol’ iPod in the ol’ earlobes and blast my music and the whole world drifts away. The whole Salsa-music-ridden world. My commute is not long. Well, it’s VERY long if my bus is pulled over by the cops. But without any law enforcement interference, my commute is usually no longer than 15 minutes.<\/p>\n
I am, at this moment, in a music-loop of Prince which shows no signs of abating. I feel like I’m in college again where I couldn’t listen to anything BUT Prince. And even more specific than that, I am kind of stuck on one song: “Cream”. Yup. Kinda can’t listen to anything else right now. The second it finishes I consider, “Uhm … move on to the next song?” 1.2 seconds go by. “Nope. Back to the beginning. Listen to it again.”<\/p>\n
Anyhoo, I climbed up the battered steps into my bus, “Cream” blasting in my ears for the 20th time this morning, and sat down.<\/p>\n
For whatever reason, I noticed a sign I had never seen before at the front of the bus, pasted above the driver’s head.<\/p>\n
KEEP HEAD, HANDS, AND FEET INSIDE VEHICLE.<\/b><\/p>\n
Okay.<\/p>\n
Immediately, I got a picture of someone – one person – breaking all of those rules at the same moment. It was an unavoidable mental picture. I saw the head stcking out the window, hair blowing in the breeze, the manic grin. I saw the two waving hands. And I saw the contorted position the person would have to be in in order to get both FEET out of the window as well.<\/p>\n
And then I started laughing – and once I started laughing, I could not stop.<\/p>\n
I was out. of. control.<\/p>\n
I turned off the Prince – and was immediately bombarded with manic Salsa music – which dug the hole of laughter even deeper.<\/p>\n
The laughter was the kind of laughter you got as a kid in church, when your parents would be giving you deadly glares to “shut up” and you could not … for the life of you … shut up.<\/p>\n
I tried to keep it under wraps, breathing in deep, saying to myself, “Please. Stop laughing. Now” … but it was to no avail. I kept seeing someone sticking their head, both their hands, and also both their feet out of the window as the bus careened towards the Lincoln Tunnel – and I was a goner.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I was on my little commuter bus, which was falling apart at the seams. They all are. This is an incredibly underground operation – and if I was ever injured on that bus, and wanted to sue – I would … Continue reading