About 40 minutes into every class, I have a sort of existential crisis. I seriously feel that I cannot go on. All kinds of dire thoughts parade through my head. I am DRENCHED in sweat. Seriously: that is not a euphemism. My clothes are so wet that if you wrung them out you could fill a damn bucket. I punch, I kick, I jog … and circa 40 minutes in, I think: No. No. I cannot. No more. I can’t. No. I can’t. I can’t.<\/p>\n
On the heels of this is always emotional despair.<\/p>\n
You always give up. You let go and give up. What IS that about you that gives up? Why do you give up? Why?<\/p>\n
I just GO there. As I punch and kick and punch, I contemplate my own emotional makeup and history. Sometimes tears stream down my face during this nadir. Like clockwork.<\/p>\n
Then … for the last 20 minutes of class I enter what I call a “burn zone”. Everything gets hot. Literally. I can feel my arms on fire, my legs on fire – my face is BLAZING (I’m an irish person. I sweat primarily in my face) – and so then I’m in the burn zone, and time and space disappear – and I accept the burn – I have no more emotional nadir – all I am doing is obeying the instructor. I do not count the minutes because I dont wear a watch and I am glad that there are not clocks everywhere in my ghetto-fabulous gym. It’s not about checking the clock to see how much time is left. It’s about LIVING in that damn burn zone.<\/p>\n
I’m still not used to it but I do recognize the pattern. “Okay. Here I am having an emotional crisis. It must be 6:47.”<\/p>\n
And today I spoke to my husband for the first time. It was a momentous occasion, filled with romantic possibility. I was leaving class – and I realized he was behind me, carrying his bike. I held the door. I said, “You got it?” as he struggled his bike through. He replied, “Thank you.”<\/p>\n
It was a thrilling moment.<\/p>\n
“You got it?”
\n“Thank you.”<\/p>\n
God.<\/p>\n
So damn profound. I love our relationship.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
About 40 minutes into every class, I have a sort of existential crisis. I seriously feel that I cannot go on. All kinds of dire thoughts parade through my head. I am DRENCHED in sweat. Seriously: that is not a … Continue reading