So okay, I’m going to brag now. It’s my blog and I feel like bragging because I’ve been working really hard. I met with my trainer today. It is the mid-point of my 10 week kickboxing intensive. I took a week off to go to the Cape and have felt a bit, shall we say, OFF since I returned. Like suddenly everything was uphill. But I’m staying with the program – I have completely changed how I eat and it’s been major – I have never been a person who habitually eats bad things, never been into fast food or fried food – I don’t have a sweet tooth … but WHEN I eat and how often has been a major problem. Basically I don’t eat. I UNDER-eat. So now on this program I feel like I have to eat all the mo-fuckin’ time. 6 times a day?? This is so counter-intuitive to me. I have to nibble all day long – 6 small meals a day – in order to make my quota. So it’s been a huge adjustment. I pack lunches, I cook in bulk, I have little sandwich baggies of carrots and celery sticks – I time it out – so that I’m eating every 3 or 4 hours. It feels WRONG. But that’s only because I’ve been starving myself (unsuccessfully) for nigh on 10 years. So there’s THAT. Changing my eating habits has been so empowering, it really has. I feel in control. I have grabbed the reins. And if I want to sweve – then I KNOW I’m swerving. It’s not about never having a glass of wine, or a piece of pizza or whatever. It’s about being in control of when I snack, how I snack, and how often. I carry around my food chart. None of this is IN me, yet – as in habitual. I need to be a Nazi for a while, so I am.<\/p>\n
Today was my mid-point and I had to weigh in and also get my body fat measured. I was, naturally, scared. I’ve felt off. I also have my period right now (I just have to quote an exchange I had with M., my longtime boyfriend in Chicago. I announced to him once, “I have my period right now.” – It was in context, by the way, it wasn’t just a random outburst. But still, had to let him know: “I have my period right now.” And he replied flatly, “What else is new.” hahahaha It’s not that I menstruate more than once a month – it just seemed like it. It still seems like it.) – so I feel like: Oh dammit, YOU again, period? Why now? When I have my weigh-in etc? I swear I gain 15 pounds every month over a 3-day period and then lose it all in one fell swoop. So I was stressed.<\/p>\n
I get on the scale. I do not look at the number because I do not want to look at the number and I am sick of dealing with THE NUMBER. I am not doing this intensive to change that number. I can’t look at it that way – because that way doom and failure lie. I am doing this to get healthy, fit, strong.<\/p>\n
Then I do the body-fat test with the little gizmo.<\/p>\n
She says to me, “Okay, do you want the good news or the bad news?”<\/p>\n
I shouted, “TELL ME EVERYTHING IMMEDIATELY.”<\/p>\n
She said, “The bad news is you’ve only lost 1.2 pounds.”<\/p>\n
So from the 4 pounds I had lost at the one week mark – I’m back up. I deflated. That damn NUMBER. The number on the scale runs our lives, our identities, how we feel about ourselves and relate to the world. At least that’s true for me.<\/p>\n
She said, “And the good news is – you’ve lost 6% body fat.”<\/p>\n
That is meaningless to me. It sounds so small. Is that good?<\/p>\n
She went on, “Let me give you some perspective. Normally, when people do this 10-week program – they lose 7% body fat over the whole 10 weeks. You;ve lost 6% in 5 weeks.”<\/p>\n
So. What? How is this possible??<\/p>\n
Obviously, I am gaining muscle. I have not lost weight – but I can tell my body is different … and the loss in body fat is why.<\/p>\n
She was so cute, she said, “I hate to sound all girlie and everything – but I know that we women obsess about that number on the scale. It’s all about how much we weigh. But what you have to get is that it is amazing how much body fat you have lost – it is highly unusual – have people told you you looked different?”<\/p>\n
“Yes, they have as a matter of fact.”<\/p>\n
“Do your clothes feel different? Do you look different to yourself in the mirror?”<\/p>\n
“I am not a valid judge about my appearance. I feel like a fat cow at all times. So I am not to be trusted.”<\/p>\n
“You need to listen to the people who have told you they see a difference. I know you want that weight to go down – but it’s going to be in the reduction of body fat that you really see a major transformation in your actual body. So that’s great news and I’m really proud of you. Seriously.”<\/p>\n
Then we did my session with the weights and it was like being coached by an emissary from Beelezebub’s entourage. Seriously, this woman is demonic. I go into this ZONE – where my muscles are literally (they feel that way anyway) BURNING. They burn. And she will not let me stop, or give up, or slow down. She is a messenger from the freakin’ underworld and I love her.<\/p>\n
But it;s over now – and I have lost 6% of my body fat in 5 weeks – and I’m just gonna keep going, dammit, and now I need to watch To Live and Die in LA<\/i> (I love you, Dean Stockwell!!) and put my damn feet up.<\/p>\n
And I actually AM going to think about the number. But not the number on the scale.<\/p>\n
I’m going to fall asleep tonight murmuring “6%, 6%, 6% …” in a mood of utter bliss. That’s the number I like.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
So okay, I’m going to brag now. It’s my blog and I feel like bragging because I’ve been working really hard. I met with my trainer today. It is the mid-point of my 10 week kickboxing intensive. I took a … Continue reading