Sleep issues these days.<\/p>\n
It was 12:30 last night – which is kind of late for me – especially because I had only 1 or 2 hours of sleep the night before – maybe 3 or 4 hours the night before that – and that horrible dream earlier this week that messed me up – and my mind was racing and I started to get that insomniac circle-of-hell THING … which any insomniac will understand. You need to sleep. But sleep eludes. So You obsess on sleep. You worry about NOT being able to GO to sleep. And worry increases exponentially and then you are in a panic about NOT sleeping … and nothing kills the sleep impulse like panic. So things just keep spiralling until, if you’re not careful, you can get into trouble. I got in trouble with insomnia in 2002 – I had never had it before – had never really understood what it was like until then. I had read so much about classic insomniacs – like Marilyn Monroe – and my sleep patterns are such that when I’m out? I’m OUT. God help me if there’s a fire. I’ll sleep right through it. It’s hard to understand that insomniac THING until you experience it. And 2002 was such a horror it’s impressed upon me a couple of things: — true GRATITUDE towards being able to get a good night’s sleep – and sympathy towards those who struggle with it. And it’s also given me a sort of panic about ever going through that again. It’s strange, it left quite an impact. I have one night of strugging to go to sleep, and I think, scared, “God. Please don’t let it be like 2002 again.” Dumb. But hey, it’s what happens.<\/p>\n
I know the insomnia will pass – but so much of this is a mental issue – and we NEED sleep – I remember 2002, I remember when I could not sleep … for weeks … A greyness settled over the whole world from about April to August. That was what it felt like when I was struggling. I’m just wired right now – and it’s just an interesting thing to take note of, I suppose. A lot is going on right now. I talked with Kate for a long time last night and told her about the dream. She was terrific, as she always is. I have tears in my eyes. I love her. She was right there with me, and really gave me some perspective on it. Cobwebs cleared. Eventually I got into bed and could feel that insomniac thing start to happen. No panic yet – just that consciousness, “Will I get a good night’s sleep tonight?” – that can so quickly spiral into a swarm of bees inside your head.<\/p>\n
So it was about 12:30 last night and I had been lying there for, oh, 20 minutes – which is a long time for me – normally I am OUT … so I was starting to get worried. Because I’m already behind on sleep. (Sorry my writing is bad today. I don’t care, this is my version of a diary entry … but sorry anyway) and my phone rang. It was someone I had called earlier in the day, a friend, and he called me back. I wasn’t in the mood to chat – at least not casually – I was too focused on “must. sleep. must. sleep.” … and he must have heard that in my voice – and he took a very gentle tone with me – almost hypnotic – “Did I wake you, honey?” – “No. No. I’m awake unfortunately.” And I’m still not sure how it happened, I’m honestly not – but he talked to me until I fell asleep. I fell asleep with the phone in my hand. He has an accent, a soft Caribbean accent, and he was just telling me about this job fair thing he was doing, and also a new computer he wanted to buy … and next thing I knew it was 10 a.m. this morning. Seriously – next thing I knew! I have no memory of WHEN I fell asleep. I have no memory of saying, “Okay, talk to you tomorrow” or even, uhm, “bye”. I was kinda mortified. I fell asleep as he was talking<\/i>. But I just talked to him now and he was like, “You sounded so out of it and stressed. I just kept telling you stories until you didn’t respond anymore.”<\/p>\n
So. Two friends. Givin’ Special Ops O’Malley a little support and help.<\/p>\n
Much much appreciated. And whaddya know – I got almost 10 hours of sleep. And no terrible dreams. Friends help you slay your own dragons. They really do.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Sleep issues these days. It was 12:30 last night – which is kind of late for me – especially because I had only 1 or 2 hours of sleep the night before – maybe 3 or 4 hours the night … Continue reading