I saw a huge fight take place in the middle of Times Square last week. It was totally awesome. I wish it would have gone on for 10 minutes, as opposed to 10 seconds. It was especially awesome because I was not involved, and could just sit back and gawk at the whole thing, gleefully. It was around rush-hour, and cars, naturally, try to get away with as much as possible (not an easy task with the throngs of tourists and just plain old people like myself filling the streets and crosswalks). So a car came thru a yellow light – and naturally pedestrians are already moving across the crosswalk – and the car, which then got stopped by the line of traffic, was in the middle of the crosswalk. No biggie – although it can be enraging, because then it screws up the flow of pedestrians and sometimes you are forced to walk out into the traffic-ridden avenue in order to get around the stopped car. Like if you had slowed and stopped at yellow, maybe this wouldn’t have happened to you! One guy, wearing an iPod (this all became clear later) – was annoyed however and hit the back of the car as he passed by – an action which is somewhat questionable, and yet one with which I sympathize (I have almost been killed by cars trying to get away with something … running yellow lights at top speed, then having to slam on the brakes because, duh, you’re in the city, and there’s another light 10 feet away … I have shouted at cars\/cabs who have pulled such shit. “WAIT YOUR TURN, ASSWIPE!” is an example of my eloquent comments of protest in such a situation. Or, you could just go with Dustin Hoffman’s famous line: “I’M WALKING HERE. I’M WALKING HERE.” He hit the cab as well in that scene – so it’s a common phenomenon. I have hit cabs on the trunk who nearly run me down – and are then caught in a crosswalk. Damn straight I have. You don’t almost kill me and not hear my feelings about it).<\/p>\n
So. Onward. iPod guy hits car. Moves on to the sidewalk. And then suddenly: oh boy, was it ON. I was walking right there – and suddenly I heard something clatter to the ground – one of the guys in the car had leapt out, after realizing some guy had hit the back of their car – and chased after him, knocking his iPod out of his ears, onto the sidewalk. Big loud New York accent, “HIT MY CAR AGAIN, ASSHOLE. HIT MY CAR AGAIN.” Another guy got out of the car (because they were, of course, stopped in traffic. Duh. You’re trapped in the middle of the crosswalk and that’s your own damn fault, bro. Not saying the guy should have hit your car, he obviously shouldn’t have – but to be a whiny little bitch when it was YOU who were driving like an asshole is a bit rich.) So the other guy got out and swaggered over – the guy with the iPod, who probably (like the rest of us) had been in his own zone, was totally stunned by the attack – He didn’t come up with a comeback – but he wasn’t given any time, because yelling dude gave him a huge push in the chest, and iPod guy stumbled backward. Now a small crowd had gathered, of which I was one. Some passerby picked up the fallen iPod – so it wouldn’t be trampled – Guy kept yelling, “NO, SERIOUSLY. I WANT YOU TO HIT MY CAR AGAIN.” iPod guy said, “Fuck you.” and walked away. Which I thought was totally awesome. Guy yelled after him, “NO! NO! FUCK YOU!”<\/p>\n
The whole thing was over in 10 seconds.<\/p>\n
It was absolutely awesome. Kind of cathartic, actually. I felt like they had been worthy foes. Guy with car was enraged that someone would touch his car, and rightly so. His attack was spectacular. I loved his directness. iPod Guy was awesome, too – because many of us have been in his position – feeling dominated and run down by cars – and I myself have no mercy for such drivers, especially if they are fucking up MY life … but also his “Fuck you” at the end was marvelous. Just marvelous. And Guy with car shouting, feverishly: “NO! NO! FUCK YOU!” was the best. Like: no no no you are not gonna get the last word – fuck YOU!<\/p>\n
The whole thing was very very run-of-the-mill. I wonder what stuff like that looks like to outsiders. Bit the locals are all like, “Oh, look. A fight. Let me stop and watch, but also keep my distance. Oh, look. The fight’s over. Okay, on my way.” And it’s totally forgotten in a block and a half. But we all, in some subtle way, feel better. Because we police ourselves. As I have mentioned before in numerous posts. It is not that New Yorkers are ruder than other people – I actually think the opposite is true. New Yorkers are actually some of the nicest most welcoming friendly people you ever meet. If you’re a tourist, ask a New Yorker for directions. Watch what happens. You will be unable to extricate yourself from the conversation because the New Yorker will be so helpful. They will OVER-explain the subway system … they will walk you to the correct entrance, etc. I have done it myself. So no. New Yorkers aren’t rude. It’s the opposite. We are obsessed<\/i> with proper etiquette and group-dynamics and cooperation. We are obsessed<\/i>. It’s like we’re one big kindergarten class. Learning how to wait your turn, and stand in line, and do the give and take … New Yorkers are so on top of each other, that rudeness (and selfishness – like cutting in line, or racing thru yellow lights despite the fact that pedestrians will be crossing) is not tolerated at all. We correct one another (and not always in a nice way – no, because there are just too damn many of us – so if you stand stock-still in the middle of a crowded sidewalk without getting out of the way of foot traffic, expect one of us to stay, “Yo. Don’t be a douche. Move to the side.” And yet, mark my words, the 19th century translation of that comment is: “A true gentlemen would never impede the perambulations of his fellow gentlemen.”) There are too many people here to stand on ceremony … the social order is so fragile with such a population, that anything threatens to ruin it, and crash us all into chaos. The cops can’t do ALL the work. We have to pick up the slack. What if EVERYONE stood stock-still in the middle of the sidewalk, regardless of the fact that people needed to get by, and everyone was moving as one? What would happen then? It’d be anarchy! It’s fine if you need to stop and check your subway map or take a phone call – just move out of the way. Cooperate with the rest of the group, or you will HEAR about it). We scold one another, as though we are all one big extended family. Aunt Margaret saying to her sister’s kids, “No, no, you don’t get to just grab like that. Say ‘please’ and then maybe you’ll get what you need.” And it’s accepted that Aunt Margaret is allowed to discipline her sister’s kids. New Yorkers discipline each other. We HAVE to. And then balance is restored. Like it was restored last week in Times Square – with the chorus of “Fuck yous” between those two gentlemen. Nobody got hurt. But feelings were aired – rudeness (on both sides) was punished … and all will recover emotionally, and move on accordingly.<\/p>\n
Awesome.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I saw a huge fight take place in the middle of Times Square last week. It was totally awesome. I wish it would have gone on for 10 minutes, as opposed to 10 seconds. It was especially awesome because I … Continue reading