{"id":7662,"date":"2008-01-29T12:47:42","date_gmt":"2008-01-29T17:47:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/?p=7662"},"modified":"2022-10-14T14:59:34","modified_gmt":"2022-10-14T18:59:34","slug":"relishing-your-rightness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/?p=7662","title":{"rendered":"Relishing Your Rightness"},"content":{"rendered":"

This post is a must-read<\/a>. Thank you SO much, Marisa, for linking to it<\/a>.<\/p>\n

My whole heart and soul just says YES to something like that, in response.<\/p>\n

How inspirational, how difficult<\/i>, how beautiful. It’s a very challenging post … and I love it for that reason.<\/p>\n

To those who are new to me (and others, too, what the hell) some thoughts on the journey of my blog and those who “relish their own rightness” below:<\/p>\n


\nI have lots of thoughts about it – that struggle has played itself out on my blog from time to time – since when I started my blog I was one who (for my own reasons – we all have our reasons) ‘relished my rightness’. I started my blog in 2002, when I was very angry about a lot of things. Naturally, I attracted a lot of angry people as readers. Which was great at the time. It was energizing and validating.<\/p>\n

I’ve got a terrible temper, and I’m a good writer. It can make for some explosive reading.<\/p>\n

But I found it, eventually, to be not just an unpleasant way to live – but actually dangerous <\/em>for my wellbeing. I use the word “toxic”, and I mean it quite literally.<\/p>\n

It soon became a huge problem – and it continues to this day – not as bad as it was before, since I regularly ban people now, delete comments, etc. – but it STILL is a problem. I don’t see that kind of disconnect on other personal sites (that’s key. My site is PERSONAL. I make no bones about it, and don’t pretend to be an “important” blogger) So with other personal sites, it seems the readership reflects the blogger. You know, if there’s a blogger who is some Carrie Bradshaw-type girl writing about her dates in Manhattan – she, in general, does not attract people who are in a rage at single city girls. She doesn’t attract hordes of angry family-values types lecturing her on her slutty ways. She may get drivebys in that manner – if someone else links to her and she gets a bunch of newbies commenting – but in general, she will attract a readership of those who accept her way of life – maybe they are single, maybe they are not – but they love living vicariously through her, maybe they like her writing, they find her an interesting person to visit every day. What I’m trying to say is: She doesn’t attract a readership who don’t agree with the very basics <\/em>of her life. She can just write, freely. But the majority of my readership at first – (it’s much more balanced out now, thank God – but that was only because I worked<\/i> to get a more balanced audience) thought actors were stupid – thought the books I talked about were “snooty” – they thought obsessing about the movies or the Oscars was stupid – they didn’t agree with how I spent my free time, basically. Or I would write a post like this<\/a> and have a misogynist (and he was a regular – not a driveby!) show up and rail at me about how stupid women are and how THAT POST is why I was single.<\/p>\n

The hostility in his response took my breath away. Naturally, I deleted the comment. Lots of people disagree with that policy of mine, but I’m totally cool with it. He then emailed me, whining that someone had “stolen” his email and left that comment. What? Oh, really, big tough guy who thinks WOMEN are the stupid ones? Did someone STEAL your email? Now, on the flipside: I get that some people would have a strong reaction to a post like that. I really do. I get that people don’t like emotionality, or hearing about someone who is upset and beside themselves with despair. But his immediate reaction of pointing-fingers at me – when I was just working something out in my head, trying to write down an experience that really changed me – showed that there was a huge disconnect between me and a lot of the folks who showed up every day. I knew my story had rocked him. I mean, I know that. He had read the whole thing, mind you. It takes about 20 minutes to read. And he stuck with it. And then felt the need to tell me how stupid I was, and how of COURSE I was single if I was that unstable. I get that people’s buttons are pushed. But I am more interested in having readers who can say, “You know what … my buttons were really pushed reading that … I wonder why … Maybe it’s because – blah blah blah [share own personal story]”. To some people, leaving a comment like that on a blog would be unheard of. Where is the position then? Where is the opinion, the STANCE?<\/p>\n

And so this was not on the level of someone disagreeing with my opinion on Forrest Gump<\/i> (although that happened, too) This was on the level of them not thinking that movies were worth discussing at all<\/i>. You know, I’d write an “elegy” for Marlon Brando, and someone would show up and say, “Big Famous Politician\/Statesman died last year and didn’t get NEARLY this much press.” But … but … I’m writing about Brando. I’m not “the media”. I’m just one girl writing about what interests me. You are misunderstanding the entire point of my blog. This was on the level of them thinking that I was, basically, an irritating companion<\/i>. And again, that’s fine. I find lots of people irritating. I just don’t read their blogs!<\/p>\n

Something seriously had to change. A purge, if you will. I wasn’t feeling “free” on my own blog – because the “relishing their rightness” crowd was too loud (they’re always the loudest).<\/p>\n

I can certainly go there, on occasion – meaning: oh hell yes, I have my “righteous” side. But I will not, I refuse to, LIVE there. (Reading Scott Peck’s People of the Lie<\/i> was a total revelation for me, in this regard. Wow. Highly recommended <\/a>– almost frighteningly so. Speaking of which – it’s funny – if you take a look at the comments to that post I just linked to, you’ll get an idea of what I was dealing with at the time. Many of those people at the start of the thread no longer comment here – but once Bryan and CW and Chai-rista and David and peteb started taking over the conversation, later, we could actually TALK. We could actually DISCUSS the issues in a deep and personal way. Great conversation! But before then, it was a struggle with people who LED with their biases and opinions – you could barely get past the fact that the article I mentioned was in The New York Times – that IMMEDIATELY discounted it for these people – you can see it clearly. So they were actually proving Scott Peck’s point better than I ever could, but we’ll leave that for another day.)<\/p>\n

And so it takes work for me to NOT go there. I have to be on point with myself, I have to really be vigilant. I have to be careful of what I let influence me, and who I let close to me. Not because I don’t want to change – but because I’m sensitive, frankly. I personally can’t hang around people who are negative all the time. Because the temptation is too great for me to wallow there with them … and then the quality of life just plummets. I cannot afford that.<\/p>\n

Because I could be the most righteous queen-bitch of them all. But what a miserable way to live. All I can do is keep writing the way I want to write – and write for the audience I want <\/em>(rather than write defensively for the righteous crowd, anticipating what they will say and coming up with counter-arguments- which is what happened at first, and my writing suffered) … and also protect my turf.<\/p>\n

I wrote a post about plagiarism once<\/a> – and two people immediately focused on my 4th grade teacher and what a moron she was for not recognizing the plagiarized words … which comPLETELY missed the point of the post, the deeper point … and it was because those were people who need to be right, who relish their rightness, who have a hard time just talking about things withOUT being positional, and black\/white. It HAD to be someone’s fault, SOMEONE had to be stupid … and so by veering off into that tangent (which many people would never <\/em>do – because they are, like myself, interested in another kind of conversation – more contemplative, more willing to discuss and listen – those <\/em>are the readers I want) – but anyway, by veering off into that tangent, they missed the point – and any time I get the sense that someone is “relishing their rightness”, I have to put a stop to it.<\/p>\n

On the blog, as I switched the focus, back to who I really am – which is someone who loves to obsess about things, and celebrate things – once the rage crisis had passed – it became apparent that many people could not follow me. They were too into being “right” all the time. Or not even … it was that “relishing their rightness” was WHO these people WERE. It’s in them – it’s not something they DO, it’s just who they were. So even if I was chatting about the Oscars, or James Joyce – that same tone would come through in my comments section. It was so inappropriate for me, and who I am – and the people I choose to spend my time with. I remember Mental Multivitamin saying in one of her marvelous Shakespeare posts<\/a>:<\/p>\n

I’d rather discuss Hamlet than attempt to persuade someone of Shakespeare’s value.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Amen. But I found myself in the bizarre position of not being able to write about what I wanted to write about – without having people question the VALUE of what I was talking about. I would rather discuss Marlon Brando than attempt to persuade someone of Marlon Brando’s value.<\/p>\n

I don’t care if you disagree about my opinion on Forrest Gump<\/i>. That’s actually fun. But if you think it’s a waste of time to even talk about movies in a serious way … and if you condescend to the entire craft of it and those who revere it … then no. There is no place for you here. I STILL get this, though – I STILL struggle with it. However, now I just delete the comments. I’ve had it. I’ve been getting more of the kind of readership I really want, so that’s cool.<\/p>\n

It is not so much that I never think I’m right – I obviously do … but the kind of “rightness” she describes in that post – is what I’m talking about. People who do that – constantly (and it doesn’t matter what the topic – these people show up on my blog, relishing their rightness – spouting their grievances, whatever it is – EVERYTHING brings up the same response in them) – people who do that actually occur to me as a virus. That’s what it feels like. Talk about “wrongness”. My spirit just does NOT want to let them in. I have boundaries. I have barriers up. Not so much because I am convinced that they are wrong and I am right … but because I recognize<\/i> myself in that posturing self-righteousness. I recnognize myself in their ranting\/railing “everyone’s stupid” monologues. I could go there.<\/p>\n

I choose not to. And sometimes it takes all the strength that I have – and I certainly would have probably tried to claw that guy’s eyes out at the ATM if he spoke to me like that.<\/p>\n

But again: I think she’s interested in making a deeper point, a point about how we live – how we encounter others – and how we struggle with our own feelings of being right, and not just being right – but RELISHING in the rightness.<\/p>\n

That’s what makes me uncomfortable, too – and why I can’t give that mindset an inch on my site. Because it’s not just a discussion of the mistakes of others – which I actually really like to do – Alex and Mitchell and I have had long interesting conversations about, say, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears … we’re really interested<\/i> in what the hell is going on with those girls …<\/p>\n

But no. What it usually becomes is a mob scene of people RELISHING their own rightness. Looking for someone to point the finger at – it’s gotta be SOMEONE’S fault. And that, to me, has the ugliness of the crowd in “The Lottery”, and nope, I ain’t participating.<\/p>\n

And so that post I linked to way up above – has really REALLY spoken to me today. I haven’t written this post all that well – because I’m just trying to get my thoughts down as they come … but it had a huge impact. I really needed to hear it.<\/p>\n

Yes, yes, yes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This post is a must-read. Thank you SO much, Marisa, for linking to it. My whole heart and soul just says YES to something like that, in response. How inspirational, how difficult, how beautiful. It’s a very challenging post … … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7662"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=7662"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7662\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":181491,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7662\/revisions\/181491"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=7662"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=7662"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=7662"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}