Yet another entry from my junior year in high school for Diary Friday: My junior year: an unrequited love with the passion of a thousand suns blossoms for a guy named David. Naturally, nothing ever happened with David. But he took up an entire year of my life.<\/p>\n
J. slept over last night. We had a really good time talking about – what else?? We looked them up in yearbooks of long ago. [Long ago! hahahahaha 2 years before?<\/i>] My, my, they both have improved!! We looked at all the ‘senior guys’ of last year – Matt B., Josh L., Bobby R., Matt M., John A. – we speculated on “who has and who hasn’t.” Yes, I know we shouldn’t<\/u> but I am<\/u> curious and I do<\/u> wonder. [Sheila, your diary doesn’t JUDGE you. Not for curiousity about sex or anything else. Calm down.<\/i>] How does it happen? (Wait) What I mean is – I know<\/u> that some kids have slept together but how do they lead up to it<\/u>? Are they drunk? Is it in a car? (Blah) How will it happen with me? I hope it’s not like [then I drew an arrow up to where I wrote “Is it in a car?”<\/i>] I think I have good judgment and I know what I want. Dolores gave me a Playgirl for my birthday with Harrison Ford on the cover. We looked at that for a while and I’m sorry but it is disgusting<\/u>! Yuk!!! Those men are so gross!! I have made up my mind to remain a virgin. (Well maybe not – but still<\/u>!!!) Some of the stories they have in there – I feel so so soiled after reading them. I’m scared, Diary. Does everyone have oral sex? Has everyone been doing that all this time? Euuu! Sex, to me, has always seemed so natural<\/u> and beautiful [you coulda fooled me<\/i>] (I mean – the way I thought it was supposed to be) – just a joining of two people who really love each other [ah, your 4th grade sex-ed class did you well!<\/i>]. But the people in there do all these gross things with each other and I try to imagine myself – I just can’t<\/u>. I’m afraid. I’m so naive. Oral sex? I’m scared.<\/p>\n
Also though, I was just browsing through the magazine just now – the pictures I just flipped by – those don’t ‘do’ anything for me [hahahaha, I love how now I’m talking like a sexual woman of the world. “Yeah, that doesn’t do anything for me …”<\/i>] – all the guys are ugly anyway – but the stories – so explicit<\/u>! I felt myself drawn in – I wanted to read more – I couldn’t pull my eyes away. A lot of it is gross and unintelligent but some of it …<\/p>\n
After I put it away I turned on my radio to “Every Breath You Take”, turned off all the lights in my room and lay on my back on the floor. Of course David came into my mind and I thought about him – not gross indecent things [what??? “Indecent”? Who are you, Mullah O’Malley?<\/i>] But just generally – I pictured him kneeling beside me on my floor and leaning over to kiss me. I’m sorry but to me<\/u>, holding hands and gently kissing seems more romantic than that stupid oral stuff. [hahahahahahahahaha. You’ll change your tune, Sheila, when you’re ready. Calm down.<\/i>]<\/p>\n
Maybe I’m a baby. I haven’t even been kissed yet. So how do I know?<\/p>\n
But reading those stories, I started to feel sort of hot, and I thought about Dave. [And that, dear Sheila, is the whole point of erotica. The end.<\/i>] I threw the magazine in my drawer and picked you up to write this down. Normally I’m not so perverted. I don’t like feeling so perverted.<\/p>\n
You know what J. also said? “You know, if something ever happens between us – I mean – Don’t you think it might shock them over how passionately we feel towards them already?” “I know! I know! He has no<\/u> idea of the extent. I’m glad. I wonder what he’d do if he read my diary.” “Well, Sheila – if I ever read some guy’s diary and I found my name in every entry, everything I’ve ever said, every single move I make – I think I’d be frightened off.” “Me too. It’s weird how they just don’t<\/u> know. I’m glad he doesn’t.”<\/p>\n
I am<\/u> too. Maybe he does get the picture, but is shy or doesn’t know what to do about it. What am I supposed to do?<\/p>\n
[One quick note: I love how the song I chose to listen to in order to go deeper into my “perverted” feelings about David is the ultimate creepy stalker song.<\/i>]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Yet another entry from my junior year in high school for Diary Friday: My junior year: an unrequited love with the passion of a thousand suns blossoms for a guy named David. Naturally, nothing ever happened with David. But he … Continue reading