{"id":8265,"date":"2008-07-26T09:25:20","date_gmt":"2008-07-26T13:25:20","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/?p=8265"},"modified":"2010-07-04T06:35:54","modified_gmt":"2010-07-04T10:35:54","slug":"oh-man-i-needed-the-laugh","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/?p=8265","title":{"rendered":"“Look. At. My. Body!” and Other Hilarity"},"content":{"rendered":"

This is one of the funniest threads I have read in a long LONG time<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Sars does an advice column – so it starts out serious – but one of the questions involves age-appropriate sex information for little kids – and the thread becomes a long involved truth-telling session about funny things kids say at inappropriate times. I am crying with laughter.<\/p>\n

Highlights:<\/p>\n

— When I was 5 I was riding the subway in Boston with my mom and asked in that piercing voice only toddlers have “But Mom, how does the sperm get OUT of the penis?”<\/p>\n

— When I was about 7 my mom dragged me inside after hearing me scream at the neighbor “You’re just mad because your girlfriend won’t give you the blowjob!”. I had NO IDEA what it meant, I had just heard older kids talking about it and probably wanted to sound more worldly. Around the same time I called my dad a “dildo” and was asked where I had learned these words. Needless to say, I wasn’t allowed as much freedom to hang around with the older kids in the neighborhood.<\/p>\n

–My 4 year old cousin: “Gramma, why do you have 2 chins?”
\nGrandma: “Well honey, that’s because Gramma is fat.”
\nCousin: “That’s ok Gramma, I like that you’re squishy!”<\/p>\n

— I learned how babies are made at the age of 5, when my brother, 12 years older, got his ex-girlfriend knocked up. Imagine what my parents must have been going through\u00e2\u0080\u0093the eldest about to be an un-wed teen father, and suddenly having to explain to a 5 year old how babies are made, why they are sometimes a “surprise,” why some mommies and daddies don’t live together, and that even though brother was grounded for life, we were happy about the baby and love the baby.<\/p>\n

— There’s a story about my brother at the Natural History Museum when he was about three. One of my parents pointed out a big fish, vegging out near the bottom of the tank, to my brother, something like “Oh, look at that big fish!” and my brother responded “Lazy fucker!” Heh.<\/p>\n

— My niece was three when, after told it was bedtime, proceeded to strip completely naked in front of me, my mom, and my boyfriend at the time, and dance around the room chanting “look at my body! look at my body!” My BF was blushing to beat the band and trying to look anywhere BUT at the tiny stripper-in-training. Who then proceeded to stomp her foot and demand loudly, “Look. At. My. Body!”<\/p>\n

— The time my mother wanted to disown my three-year-old self, we were at the doctor’s office. She was scheduling a follow-up appointment and I was wandering around the waiting room looking at people. I saw a lady with some dark whiskers on her lip and asked, “Did you know you have a moustache?” She ignored me so I asked again quite shrilly, “HEY I ASKED IF YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A MOUSTACHE? DO YOU KNOW?”<\/p>\n

— My mother was very into Les Miserables when I was about 11 and my sister was about 5. The family went on a lot of road trips and the soundtrack to the Broadway show was a popular source of entertainment in the car. It was not such a popular source of entertainment for anyone (except perhaps other shoppers) when my sister broke out into a couple of lines “Lovely Ladies”\u00e2\u0080\u0093the prostitutes’ song\u00e2\u0080\u0093in the middle of a department store, musically announcing to one and all that she was “ready for a thick one or a quick one in the park.”<\/p>\n

And I think this one is my favorite of all – I cannot stop laughing about it:<\/p>\n

— Another time, at the same shopping mall, I somehow got lost and ended up at the Wanamakers business office. I told them my name was Diane, and an announcement went out over the loudspeaker for anyone looking for a little girl named Diane. Quite some time later, after my harried mother had figured it out from the clothing description, she came to collect me.
\nMom: “Linda, why on earth did you tell them your name was Diane??”
\nMe: “Because I didn’t want anyone to know I was stupid enough to get lost.”<\/p>\n

Definitely go read the whole thing<\/a>!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is one of the funniest threads I have read in a long LONG time. Sars does an advice column – so it starts out serious – but one of the questions involves age-appropriate sex information for little kids – … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8265"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=8265"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8265\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15536,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8265\/revisions\/15536"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=8265"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=8265"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=8265"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}