{"id":8636,"date":"2008-11-25T19:40:41","date_gmt":"2008-11-26T00:40:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/?p=8636"},"modified":"2010-07-21T12:48:51","modified_gmt":"2010-07-21T16:48:51","slug":"doing-your-best","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/?p=8636","title":{"rendered":"Doing Your Best"},"content":{"rendered":"

I suppose that life is all about being tested. Some tests are obvious, some not so obvious. I know that I am cagey on my blog about my “real” life – and that is by design. This is why I am very picky about who I “friend” on Facebook so don’t take it personally. I am not deliberately deceitful, but I certainly withhold. Especially recently. My blog is for me<\/em>, essentially, and posting every day keeps me sane. Personal posts have, for the most part, gone by the wayside in the last year, because first of all I am really busy with my off-line writing and also I have no words or no desire to share all here. I think I’m smart. Because every time I write a post expressing uncertainty, someone always swoops in instantly and tries to give you the answer. They do not understand that living in the uncertainty<\/i> is what I am about, and pondering things, and NOT coming to rock-hard conclusions. I like to leave things open for interpretation. I have learned that a blog is not always the best venue for such things, and I have decided to protect myself from those misunderstandings. I can’t afford the energy to be explaining myself right now. And yet I still need to share things here. I still love to talk about movies and books and that passion shines through. It makes it a nice place to hang out. I know that, and I am proud of it. The fact that people still like to show up and read what I write is a blessing to me.<\/p>\n

I am being tested right now. My whole family is. It is part of life. It sucks. I feel surrounded by their love and support and Facebook has completely changed my life because I chat with my cousins on almost a daily basis and so every day I get a message of love from one of them, letting me know that we are being thought about, prayed for. A candle was lit for us in Bruges, for example. I weep reading these messages.<\/p>\n

A couple of days ago I wrote a post about going to Lydia’s baby shower and how, in the middle of the maelstrom, I got a sensation of the goodness of people, how everyone is “doing their best”. I do believe that. Perhaps it is because I am wounded right now. Being wounded gives you a different perspective on other people’s misbehavior (or so it seems to me). Maybe that frustrated woman in line at the grocery store has a dying husband at home. Maybe that teenager acting out just lost her mother. You just don’t know. You don’t know. And it is better not to assume. It is better to cut people slack, rather than condemn them for their surface. This is my philosophy.<\/p>\n

And so I know what it takes to just get up and keep going, to “do your best”, to meet your obligations, to “show up” at events you are going to, to not reject life – but try to accept it. In all its complexities and tragedies. It was such a strong feeling that I got at that shower. Not to mention the fact that, again, I was surrounded by family, who love me, and support me, and are THERE for all of us in this terrible time. It is always in our minds. I meet up with other friends now and sometimes it is forgotten, what I am going through, because life is busy and people have their lives to live. This is not the case now, actually – but it has been. But with my family, it is front and center. As it should be. We hunker down. We put up the barricades. We cling to one another, and we try to be there for each other. The strong protect the weak. That is the way it should be. Not those who are weak perpetually, but to someone who is wounded … it is good to have protection. To have people looking out for you, cutting some slack. Who know that you freaking out about how you have to get your car inspected is really about something else, and who are gentle with you in your distress, guiding you in the right direction. For example, I know that I am being thought about right now<\/i> by many. many. people. I can feel<\/i> it. Perhaps that is the meaning of grace.<\/p>\n

The day after I wrote the post about the baby shower, I wrote the post about my 7 weird reading habits. And people started sharing their own habits – we’re up to 44 comments now – and early that morning I got the following comment:<\/p>\n

That whole commute line is such a crock of unauthentic crap. You’re a liar. Poor ugly Shiela. Give me a break. Maybe if you didn’t lie, your life would
\nbe easier.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I get comments like that from time to time (complete with misspellings of my name – even though my name is the URL<\/i> so how could you miss it), usually from people who are not regular commenters. It’s always people who appear to have been lurking<\/i> – and sometimes people lurk with love and fear because they don’t know how to leap in to the established conversation – but sometimes others lurk with hatred. I have had a couple of those. These are not comments that have to do with some political opinion I’ve expressed, where I could expect to be abused. These are personal and go right for the jugular. These people have been lying in wait. There aren’t many of them but when they hate me they hate<\/i> me. They judge<\/i> me. They are obviously not my kind<\/i> and I don’t have people like that in my regular life, so I don’t worry about it too much, I just delete their filth and move on. But this one on Monday took me aback a bit. I emailed back and forth with Tracey about it, and my cousin Kerry, and they were properly outraged, mama lions on my behalf. To me, there is something actually satanic<\/i> in that comment, in its breathless hatred, its obvious glee in expressing it … but there’s also something ridiculous because hyberbole is part of my writing style, and the “chickens and goats” bit was hyperbole. People who are very literal do have a problem with how I write, but again, I don’t worry about that too much because you can’t please everyone, and I learned very early on that I can only write for myself – and “if you build it, he will come”. I attract people who have the same sense of absurd humor, who “get” it. But there are always the holdouts. The ones who play “devil’s advocate” on purely personal posts … like – what? What is so threatening to you that you can’t just be in the conversation that is going on rather than trying to dominate? But it happens all the time. I know people don’t like uncertainty. I get that. But I won’t BE dominated – not by blog commenters anyway who don’t know me … and having deep conversations about all the multi-faceted sides of one issue is how I like to talk. I have found my kind<\/i> on this corner of the web – some have found me … you know, it happens naturally. That’s the beauty of it. And now those who can’t stand uncertainty are outnumbered by those who can tolerate it. This is good. It’s a good balance.<\/p>\n

This commenter from yesterday has never commented on my site before (not that I can tell anyway) and I imagine their hatred of me is so acute that they would be unable to disguise it in a casual way. Who knows.<\/p>\n

But what interests me about the comment is that only the day before I had written my post about realizing that everyone, after all, is just doing their best. It has made me feel gentler towards others, certainly, people who cut me off while driving, for example … I just don’t let those things get to me right now. There’s a lot of free-floating rage and hurt out there and it doesn’t always come out in helpful or rational ways. I know that is the case with me as well.<\/p>\n

And so. What to say. Is that person who left the comment “doing their best”? You know what? I do think so. I really do. There has got to be so much anger there to leave a comment like that, and this person needs a place to put it. I represent something to this person – I don’t know what – and the knowing-ness of the comment, the feeling that this person has been reading me a long time and has formed an opinion of me – is very clear to me. This person feels they have me down. And maybe, in their mind, they do.<\/p>\n

But it did not escape my notice that just one day after I wrote a post about realizing everyone was doing their best that I would be attacked, from out of the blue. How do I feel now? How do I feel now? Comments like that are meant to diminish, soil, hurt, and demean. They are meant to destroy. I didn’t feel on the verge of destruction reading it, because like I said – I’ve had comments like that before. I was called a “starfucker” once although – please – enlighten me – what star did I fuck and why wasn’t I there?? I was called a “stupid cunt” because I wrote openly about a guy I loved. I was told “well, no wonder you’re single”, after writing a long post about some heartbreak I had had. (It also does not escape my notice that these comments have all been from men who have gone straight to my sexuality or womanliness or my LACK of power as a woman in their insults – in the same way that the commenter from yesterday did by calling me “ugly”. These people mean business.) I’ve also had people get obsessed with me and want to be involved with me personally<\/i> and while I have made many friends through this blog – it has always happened organically. Lisa, Emily, Bill McCabe, Stevie, Tracey, Tommy, De, Jonathan, Ken, Dan … you all know who you are. I have recognized that a sycophantish tone in comments is the first warning. That situation will go south and FAST. They will turn on you, look out for the boomerang! I have not been wrong yet.<\/p>\n

But I stray from my topic.<\/p>\n

I feel that when you are wounded – yes, sometimes you lose perspective, and you find yourself freaking out in line at the bank, or flying into a rage because the printer won’t work – but I also feel that you can be more<\/i> aware of the beauty of life, its fragility and complexity. I do not think it is an accident that that person left that comment on that particular day, when I was feeling fragile and upset. There are larger forces at work out there than any of us can know.<\/p>\n

I do not know why that comment came, and I am actually not interested in that person’s reasons. Because the whole question seems larger to me.<\/p>\n

I declared the day before: people are just doing their best. I am doing my best.<\/p>\n

The next day came the test.<\/p>\n

It is not always that the test is so immediate. But this is not just about me. This is about whatever twisted hatred this person has that would make them lash out like that.<\/p>\n

The typical line is, “If that’s your best, then your best ain’t good enough.” But that’s cold comfort when you are wounded, as I believe this person who left that comment is wounded. Maybe no, it ain’t good enough, and maybe yes, there are just malevolent people out there in the world who just want to hurt others – I do believe that, too – but here, in this moment, I choose to believe my earlier thesis: that everyone, in general, is just doing the best they can.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I suppose that life is all about being tested. Some tests are obvious, some not so obvious. I know that I am cagey on my blog about my “real” life – and that is by design. This is why I … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3],"tags":[1101],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8636"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=8636"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8636\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":24186,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8636\/revisions\/24186"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=8636"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=8636"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=8636"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}