I had a two-hour dental procedure done today. I have teeth anxiety, in general, and although I have excellent teeth (genetically, as well as actually – due to my flossing obsession) going to the dentist makes me freak. And two hours is a long time to handle such anxiety. They make you wear goggles now, psychedlic orange welder-goggles, to deal with the splashing of the jet and any other debris that might come flying out of your damn mouth<\/i> during the procedure. My problem is that it is the SOUND that is awful, and often I cannot tell if I feel pain or if it is just the sound that is so horrifying. I have the best dentist who has ever lived, so she works with me, and tells me what she will do before she does it, but boy, it takes all of my Latinate-inspired Irish Catholic trance state (introibo ad altare Dei, introibo ad altare Dei, introibo ad altare Dei … <\/i>) plus Zen Buddhism to get through it. “Is this hurting you?” she asks, as she drills away. I respond (gargled, due to the cotton and crap in my mouth), “I can’t tell.” Can a SOUND hurt a person? I am here to tell you yes.<\/p>\n
But there were times when I found myself welling up with tears, thinking about pain, and what I have witnessed recently, in terms of pain endurance, and sheer fucking guts … and then tears come. Not of pain but of loss and my own brand of guts. I can certainly put up with this<\/em>, after what I have seen. But nothing comes by itself anymore. Joy comes with loss. Triumph comes with regret. This will be how it always is, from now on. That’s life.<\/p>\n Regardless, I am very emotional right now, anyway, and maybe 45 minutes into the appointment, I got into a groove with it. Everything went slack. My limbs flopped, my eyes stayed closed, and the only thing that was tense was my left fist curled up into a ball. Everything else was in another zone entirely. The novocaine wasn’t just numbing my face. It numbed everything. I went into my fantasy-land, where I can be free, (you know, leaping on a trampoline in the middle of a desert<\/a>), and while the entire time I was enduring what was going on in my mouth<\/i>, I was also 100% relaxed and felt like i could go to sleep at any minute. This is what training yourself in relaxation will do for you. Breathing must be low and deep, and there are “go to” places in your head that are relaxing … use them, utilize them.<\/p>\n So I did. Tears rolling down my face. Limbs slack and dead. Caught, stuck, trapped, breathing.<\/p>\n Rolling images through my mind. An act of will. All I wanted to do is pull the cotton out of my mouth, and scream, “STOP. JUST STOP” and flee down Lexington Avenue. But I didn’t. I endured. Breathing low, enduring my feeling of loss, and grief, and holding up before me images that helped.<\/p>\n \n \nI know I reveal myself with posts like this, and I open myself up to attack. The attacks come like clockwork. Some guy is writing a mean and contemptuous email as we speak. But I cannot worry about such things, or let it hold me back.<\/p>\n I am speaking my truth.<\/p>\n I have to believe there are those out there who understand.<\/p>\n \n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I had a two-hour dental procedure done today. I have teeth anxiety, in general, and although I have excellent teeth (genetically, as well as actually – due to my flossing obsession) going to the dentist makes me freak. And two … Continue reading