Patrick: You said she left.<\/p>\n
Me: No, what I actually said was ‘she fled into the night’.<\/p>\n
____________________<\/p>\n
Me: Lauren – look at what has happened to my computer. (we both stare at the screen where everything has suddenly magically turned microscopic for no apparent reason)<\/p>\n
Lauren: Sheila, maybe you have temporarily become a giant.<\/p>\n
____________________<\/p>\n
Me: But what is it like having a dead conjoined twin attached to your back?<\/p>\n
Patrick: I guess you get used to it.<\/p>\n
___________________<\/p>\n
Brooke: (said in a happy excited voice) “So … you BOTH have body image issues and self-esteem issues!!”<\/p>\n
Me: (happy, excited) “Yup!”<\/p>\n
Brooke: “That is so great!”<\/p>\n
Me: “As you and I both know, shared self-hatred is the basis for any healthy relationship.”<\/p>\n
Brooke: “AbsoLUTEly!”<\/p>\n
This conversation was had over a giant barrel of pickels in a grocery store.<\/p>\n
____________________<\/p>\n
Patrick: Do we need a grownup?<\/p>\n
Me: Yes. Call a grownup. Immediately.<\/p>\n
_____________________<\/p>\n
Text from my now-past-her-due-date pregnant sister Jean:<\/p>\n
“This f-in blows!”<\/p>\n
____________________<\/p>\n
Siobhan: Sheila, can you please scan your costume sketches and send them on to Jean and me so we can see them?<\/p>\n
_____________________<\/p>\n
Me: It’s mortifying to have a hickey as an adult.<\/p>\n
Michael: The most embarrassing hickey I ever got was one that was on my CHIN.<\/p>\n
_____________________<\/p>\n
David: So was that whole kids thing the dealbreaker you mentioned?<\/p>\n
Me: Actually, no. It was more about his misuse of apostrophes.<\/p>\n
_____________________<\/p>\n
Me: Look, she just needs to know that I am all about nuclear jihad.<\/p>\n
Patrick: And crossbows.<\/p>\n
_____________________<\/p>\n
Patrick: She hasn’t yet learned to go emotionally dead inside.<\/p>\n
Me: And that is the most important skill one needs in life.<\/p>\n
Patrick: She’ll get it in time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Patrick: You said she left. Me: No, what I actually said was ‘she fled into the night’. ____________________ Me: Lauren – look at what has happened to my computer. (we both stare at the screen where everything has suddenly magically … Continue reading