I just found out that I move in a week and a half. I got the final confirmation yesterday.<\/p>\n
So let’s see. I have to break my lease, find someone to take over my lease, pack up all my stuff (3,000 books and counting), interview movers, schedule the move, all in a week and a half.<\/p>\n
Because of what just happened to me (and yes, it happened TO me – it’s been like being hit by a giant wave. No, not a BLACK WAVE, dear worried friends, just a big wave, hard as concrete) – the move is taking on the feeling of a hurried criminal getaway. In the dead of night. Tires screeching on lonely pavement, dust swirling up in the wake.<\/p>\n
I’m gone, baby, gone.<\/p>\n
I know in my heart because I have been through this before that geography solves nothing. A move does not mean you leave your problems and heartache in the former location. I know. It all will follow me.<\/p>\n
But the whirlwind begins today. I limp forward, regardless. The cat’s out of the bag. Nothing will stop the juggernaut.<\/p>\n
I have lived in this apartment since 2003. I have experienced two of the biggest changes possible in life in this apartment. One was a gain, one was a loss (and no, I’m not talking about the loss I just experienced, which is of your garden-variety “goddammit, THIS AGAIN??” loss – no less excruciating, but certainly familiar). I will be grateful for these four walls because of the gain I experienced in their midst. It was truly a miracle. I still can’t believe it. That was NEVER going to happen. I lived for 15 years thinking that that was NEVER gonna happen. And in September, 2006, it happened. So now I live in a different world because of it. Not an exaggeration. Where I live obviously did not MAKE it happen … but I will associate this place with that breakthrough. I can’t help it. I am suggestible that way. I wrote my book while living here. That’s amazing. I wrote it under the most challenging circumstances ever imagined. It took me two years. It’s done now, and trying to live out in the world. I still can’t believe it. I have accumulated a lot of stuff. Now I look around at all of it and all I can see is how many boxes I will need. There will be a shedding, I am sure. Things I have that I will be able to let go. Objects I have kept that maybe it’s time to release. Not sure yet what the fallout will be.<\/p>\n
I know one thing. The thought of saying goodbye to my view<\/a> is intensely painful. It’s not just what I see at the end of my street. It’s part of the meditative start of my day. It’s a checkin, a daily checkin, and to say I “love” it is not even right. It’s more than that. It’s a living entity to me. I will ache for it in the months to come.<\/p>\n I have a week and a half to say goodbye, along with all the other crap I have to get done.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I just found out that I move in a week and a half. I got the final confirmation yesterday. So let’s see. I have to break my lease, find someone to take over my lease, pack up all my stuff … Continue reading