{"id":9678,"date":"2009-11-06T08:42:38","date_gmt":"2009-11-06T13:42:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/?p=9678"},"modified":"2024-09-28T14:08:36","modified_gmt":"2024-09-28T18:08:36","slug":"the-triangle","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/?p=9678","title":{"rendered":"The Triangle"},"content":{"rendered":"

Generosity
\nReciprocity
\nScarcity<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sometimes one of these is at the apex, sometimes another, they switch places, but they are all inter-related. As with most everything these days, my relationship to these words threatens to become rigid and neurotic, and I am trying to, instead, just WORK with my feelings around these words, let them breathe. It is not easy. So much of how I operate is kneejerk, based on years of experience. So it is with us all.<\/p>\n

I have a generous nature. I am rarely stingy. I am stingy with my money sometimes, but not my time or attention. Especially if I love you or if I am beginning to be interested in you. My instinct is always towards generosity. I consider this to be a good thing. Auden’s words resonate for me: “If equal affection cannot be \/ Let the more loving one be me.” Difficult, empowering, beautiful.<\/p>\n

In my current state, however, with generosity always being in a tug-pull relationship with reciprocity and scarcity, it has become something I feel I need to get a handle on.<\/p>\n

This is where “reciprocity” comes in.<\/p>\n

Generosity without reciprocity is something I am no longer interested in. Now, I don’t want to make too big of a generalization because there are times when generosity without reciprocity is something that makes the world seem like a better and warmer place. Waiting a tiny bit to hold the door for the person coming up behind you. Or like my story about the gentleman taking off his sweater<\/a> to help someone. Generosity should be offered. Regardless. It is how I try to live my life. <\/p>\n

But on a more interpersonal level, on a less abstract level, I’m talking about ME now, and my experience, I have found that too often I am generous without expecting reciprocity. Because I can take care of myself. Because it is too disappointing to expect reciprocity. Because I don’t want to be rejected, but I still want to have the sensation of GIVING, because that’s a good thing. And on and on. I am trying to see what it is like to expect reciprocity, in my dealings with others, and not let my generosity just stand on its own. I certainly notice when someone doesn’t say “Thank you” if I hold open the door for them, although most times they do. This is not about testing people, and expecting them to come up short. To me, that is the very definition of STINGY. People who go around constantly bemoaning how rude and ungrateful everyone seems to be “these days” are usually stingy people, in my experience. Their expectation of the world is that everyone is rude now. (As though everyone was polite in, oh, 1942? Really?) And so that is what they see. It is a stingy outlook, with limited expectations of your fellow man. So that is not what I’m talking about. <\/p>\n

I recently had an experience where my generosity was taken advantage of. It was a sucker-punch. I had thought I was in a reciprocal situation, and then found out I wasn’t, and the end result is that I basically just felt used. I rarely feel used. I’m responsible with myself, I don’t give it away to just ANYONE. I protect myself. But in this case, my defenses were down, and I got beaten up by it. What I had thought was reciprocity was not at all. I was being taken advantage of – the very thing about me that I think is the best part of me, my generous nature, was turned against me. I am thankful I haven’t had a ton of experiences like that, because just one was enough to make me bitter for all time. <\/p>\n

So now. New rule. Generosity must not be offered without some expectation of reciprocity. That’s relationships. For example, I need a friend to talk to, I call a friend, I talk about my problems, the friend listens and supports and helps me out. If a week later that friend calls me, and needs to talk and needs my help, and I blow them off – then I am not holding up my end of the relationship. Maybe that particular time isn’t good for me to talk, sure, but if it’s an ongoing issue – then the relationship is compromised. It’s one-sided. If I offer something to someone, a gift (not literally – it could be time, or attention, or a compliment) – and they say, “Thank you so much!” – then that is a lovely thing. I ain’t sneezing at it. But if it is then not followed up with some sort of gift in return (time, attention, a compliment) – I am trying to see that as the red flag that it is. Doormats expect nothing in return. I have been a doormat. I had the best intentions, but my fatal flaw was letting things go on for too long without expecting reciprocity.<\/p>\n

Which brings me to the third point in the triangle: Scarcity.<\/p>\n

When one operates from scarcity, all of this becomes totally skewed. Operating from scarcity means there is never enough. It is the opposite of generosity. The universe appears to be NOT a generous place, but an eternally stingy place, with not enough to go around. Other people have the full meal, you get the crumbs. And so you have to make those crumbs last a long long time.<\/p>\n

Scarcity messes with your head. I like to come up with phrases, and “operate from scarcity” has really worked for me, because it does (in its way) remind me that it is how I OPERATE, not how it REALLY IS. But like I said, scarcity messes with your head, bro. Don’t taze me, scarcity! And when you have lived under that scarcity-outlook for so long, it is hard to experience anything generous in the way of reciprocity without feeling voracious. Because the tiny moment of reciprocity will have to last for months, maybe years, I am already trying to sculpt it into a narrative that will work for me and nourish for me long after the moment has passed. This is the definition of neurosis in my book, a label I cop to openly.<\/p>\n

The triangle pushes and pulls. I am in a state of high awareness and anxiety. I refuse to stop being generous just because I got taken advantage of this spring. I’ve lived too long to let THAT change my entire way of life. But this past spring and summer were, indeed, a crack – I don’t want to understate it. My impulse is still towards being generous. I wait to see if it is reciprocated. I have no specific expectation of reciprocity, as in a specific result. I like to talk to other people about what’s going on with them. It’s one of my greatest delights to find out how other people operate, who they are, what they like. I could go on like that indefinitely. But if the question doesn’t return towards my way – “and so … what are YOU like?” … then I am yet again in the situation of Generosity Without Reciprocity. Red flag. Everyone likes to talk about themselves. But so do I. Give and take, baby, give and take.<\/p>\n

Scarcity effs the whole thing up. It makes me want to go for a land-grab or something. Reach out and sweep it all into my bag in one fell swoop, so I can capture it, hold onto it. But life shouldn’t work that way. It very well may be a stingy universe, although I have my doubts. There are too many good things out there, too much possibility for goodness and light and love. It is, indeed, a choice. You have a stingy attitude, then the universe will seem stingy. Generosity is a CHOICE. Often you are not congratulated for it. But you should do it anyway, right? Like that guy with the sweater. Sometimes, though, it is easier to be generous to strangers. It is simpler. There isn’t as much the possibility of heartbreak or disappointment. Operating from scarcity means: that I have made a decision, over the last terrible couple of years, to keep putting my heart out there, to keep GIVING, and try not to have TOO much of an expectation of getting anything back. But this is bad, Sheila. This is SCARCITY talking. No self-respecting person doesn’t expect something in return. This is how we are in relationship to one another. I scratch your back, you scratch mine, let’s get married. That’s how it works.<\/p>\n

My perspective is indeed skewed. And no point of the triangle, at this moment, exists without the other points.<\/p>\n

It makes meeting new people stressful. But it’s also an opportunity for an experiment.<\/p>\n

Scarcity is a given right now. I can’t do anything about that. At least not short-term. I am working on trying to “operate from abundance”, but that will be a big project, taking lots of work. Ain’t going to happen overnight. So Scarcity is a given.<\/p>\n

Generosity and Reciprocity are never givens. They are choices, and also expectations. They are qualities and actions that exist in the world, and we choose them, or we do not. In my view, right now, each one is worthless without the other. I see married couples who WORK as a couple. I see generosity yes. But I also see reciprocity.<\/p>\n

It’s a new paradigm for me. Danger is everywhere. Scarcity keeps me honest, I think, but it also keeps me safe and small. It messes with my experience of all of this, because to me a cigar is never just a cigar. Generosity comes from an experience of deprivation, and reciprocity starts to feel like a promise, or if it is withheld, it is yet another indication of the stinginess of the entire enterprise.<\/p>\n

But boy, when generosity is returned with generosity.<\/p>\n

Nothing quite like it.<\/p>\n

The triangle persists.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Generosity Reciprocity Scarcity Sometimes one of these is at the apex, sometimes another, they switch places, but they are all inter-related. As with most everything these days, my relationship to these words threatens to become rigid and neurotic, and I … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[3],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9678"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=9678"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9678\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":194468,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/9678\/revisions\/194468"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=9678"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=9678"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.sheilaomalley.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=9678"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}