Sheila A-Stray's Redheaded Ramblings

Expert Essay: How to catch a snake, by Daniel Medley

Yet another Expert Essay, from LoboWalk's Daniel Medley for my new Expert Series. (If you think you're an expert on something, anything, please send me an essay and I will post it.)

HOW TO CATCH A SNAKE (posted on his site - if you want to see the photos he references click on this link)
by Daniel Medley

Here we will discuss the fine art of catching a snake without getting bit. WARNING!! Please feel free to try this at home. If you get bit, well, that's what you get for being a stupid ass.

One thing I would suggest is to avoid grabbing a poisonous snake, like a rattler or a cottonmouth right away. In the photos I'm playing with a bull snake. If a bull snake bites me, it leaves a few "pin pricks" and maybe the need to get a tetanus or antibiotic shot. I don't have to worry about my nervous system shutting down, my throat closing off, my blood congealing and spending 48 hours coming out of unconsciousness long enough to experience the worst pain in my life just before I die the most horrible death you can imagine.

Okay, enough of the warm, fuzzy talk. First you gotta find a snake. This one was discovered along the Big Salmon river just out of Riggins, Idaho. After you find Mr. Snake you then want to find a stick. No not to whack the snake with but to take advantage of the snakes limited brain/synapse function. No I'm not talking about Tom Daschle. The snake only wants to focus on one thing at a time and you use the stick to distract him. In a perfect world while he's distracted you can then reach behind him and grab up high just below the head. You can grab them by the tail but you have to be careful that they don't bite you in the leg or, like a member of the National Organization for Women, bite you in the willy if you're a dude. Can you imagine? (in a heavy Aussie accent) Krikey!! She tried to bite me willy!!! In a more perfect world you can actually kind of scoop them up with the stick like I did with this one. You have to be gentle and not piss them off to do this though. Then you can just take them at the base of the skull.

Next after you have the snake firmly in hand (make sure to hold them just below the head) you can give them a good look over. Snakes are cool animals. If you want, you can do what I did and shove the little guy's grill into the camera and have your momentous pic taken. This reptilian bastard seemed to enjoy having his photo taken. Also, it looks like the snake wasn't too bothered by it either.

When your finished with the snake, don't be stupid and hurt it. Just let it go. If it's pretty pissed off it might want to get a nibble in so you might want to toss it a couple of feet away. Notice I said "a couple of feet". That does not mean hurtling it like you're making touchdown pass from the 50 yard line. And remember, if you get bit, well that's what you get for picking up a snake. Stop being a pussy and deal with it!!

Other Expert Essays::

Dean Esmay: How to make chili
Michael Thomas: Horse-racing