April 14, 2004

Guidance counselor from Hell

If any of you are as overly familiar with every single film in the John Hughes canon as I am, then I am sure you will find this amusing: a piece imagining John Hughes as a high school guidance counselor.

A couple of excerpts from Hughes' advice to his students:

"Do you have a best friend you can lean on? Maybe a quirky guy friend that is secretly in love with you but you've overlooked until now?"

Also:

BT [student]: I've gained early acceptance to Harvard and have been the first ever to be pre-selected as a Rhodes scholar.

John Hughes: It really angers me to see you throw your young life away.

BT: Did I mention that I will be the first teenager to fly in orbit on the shuttle?

JH: Let me ask you this. Have you ever posed as a food magnate to get a table at a fancy restaurant? Have you ever climbed a float during a parade and lip-synched to Wayne Newton while five nubile young women in Bavarian costumes danced around you like cheap strippers?

Posted by sheila
Comments

Have you outwardly expressed a desire to be 'an airborne ranger?' Or to lead 'a life of danger?'

Posted by: Dan at April 14, 2004 11:49 AM

I know exactly the scene you are referring to.

That's scary.

Posted by: red at April 14, 2004 11:51 AM

Isn't it though? What's more scary is that I figured you would.

I loved the article's reference to the Donger. As offensive and un-PC as that character may be to some, he still makes me convulse with laughter everytime I see Sixteen Candles.

Posted by: Dan at April 14, 2004 11:55 AM

"Don't be an idiot. You should blow all the money you've spent years saving for college on a nice pair of earings and one date with a hot chick."

Posted by: Emily at April 14, 2004 11:57 AM

Donger was absolutely offensive. And absolutely hilarious. So ridiculous.

That movie has the best depiction of an out of control high school party EVER.

And it's the first appearance of one of my favorite actresses - poor Joan Cusack, with her headgear on, trying to get a drink at the bubbler. (rhode island slang: water foundtain)

Posted by: red at April 14, 2004 12:00 PM

Foundtain?? Jesus. Need more coffee, need more coffee.

Posted by: red at April 14, 2004 12:01 PM

"Just remember: the arrogant guy in high school who will not acknowledge that he even knows you, for fear of repercussions from his decadent best friend who looks like he's 35 years old even though he's a senior in high school - remember: that arrogant rat-faced boy actually has a heart of gold. Drop your quirky guy friend for the dipship arrogant rat-faced boy."

Posted by: red at April 14, 2004 12:06 PM

I remember so clearly thinking, while watching Pretty in Pink, "Why are these high school students dressed like characters out of Miami Vice?"

I just did the p.23-line 5 thing on my site.

Posted by: Anne C. at April 14, 2004 12:44 PM

I know what a bubbler is. MA slang too.

Posted by: Dan at April 14, 2004 01:12 PM

Bubbler is also a Wisconsin thing.

Posted by: Mark at April 15, 2004 02:33 PM