September 16, 2004
You have GOT to be kidding me.
There's so much that is wrong and disgusting here, I don't even know where to begin. But the following phrase "a proposed movie remake of the 1925 F. Scott Fitzgerald novel The Great Gatsby, to be produced by 'N Sync veteran Lance Bass" certainly leapt out at me in its sheer wrong-ness. [Emphasis mine]
However ... there is much much more ...
It kind of makes me want to cry out to the powers that be, "Okay, okay, you win!! YOU. WIN."
But I will not.
I have not yet begun to fight.
Posted by sheila
Paris Hilton? Dear God no!
The forces of evil encroach ...
I could see her as Jordan, though. Not sure she's smart enough to be Jordan, but I'm not going to think about it any more, lest my brain leap out of my ears and try to make a break for it.
That humming sound you're hearing? That's F. Scott spinning in his grave.
This sounds even worse than Drew Barrymore's planned production of Confederacy of Dunces. I think Will Ferral was last signed up to be Ignatius.
And let's not forget the Demi Moore Scarlet Letter that had a happy ending.
Er ... did they think no one had read it?
Yet another reason for the immediate nuclear annihilation of hollywood.
What's next, Casablanca 2 staring Julia Roberts and a random Baldwin?
But Lance Bass?? Lance Bass?? WTF?
How about Vin Diesel as Rhett Butler to Pam Anderson's Scarlett?
Or, since this is a red-headed site, Carrot-top as Atticus Finch?
(Great site, by the way!)
You're going to hell for even suggesting such things.
(BTW, I couldn't care less about Gone With The Wi...ZZZZZZZZzzzzzz, but the very mention of Carrot Top makes me itchy. Bastard! :))
Lance Bass?? Paris Hilton?? Some guy from The OC???
I mean what the fuck? What the fucking fuck?
The very words "Carrot Top" makes me want to smash a pool cue over someone's head.
the very mention of Carrot Top makes me itchy
Use your imagination, dipnut. Things are more fun that way!
I still can't get past the whole Lance Bass thing. Especially that he is described as a "veteran" of N'Sync. A "veteran".
Now Helen Hayes was a VETERAN of stage and screen, because she did the job for, oh, 75 years.
But ... Lance Bass??? Veteran? Of what? Something that started up 2 seconds ago?
Oh, I give up. It makes no sense.
I propose we have a contest: think up the worst cast you can imagine for a cinematization of a literary classic. Here's my submission.
"Romeo and Juliet": Woody Allen as Romeo, Betty White as Juliet
"Ulysses": Bette Midler as Molly Bloom, Christopher Walken as Leopold Bloom, Mike Myers as Stephen Deadalus
No, but seriously, what about Troy?
The Iliad is one of my favorite stories. The director of Troy said "I figured there was a story in there somewhere". The Time review went over the various changes to the story: they cut out all the "dull speechifying" by the gods, and Achilles would now be mortal. Gah.
So a guy who didn't like the original story made the movie, and a writer who never read the original, or even the Cliffs notes, wrote the review. Disgusting.
You think people will be watching Troy, 3000 years from now?
Ah, but you haven't heard the title.
As the writer on Fox News said, "I'm not kidding."
The idea of Paris Hilton as Daisy gives an added level of meaning to one of the greatest last lines in all of literature:
"And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past".
In lieu of her porn video, perhaps it should be:
"And so we beat each other off, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past"
Mr Lion, you may not know how close we came: Ben and J-Lo had already secured the rights to Casablanca and were going to star in their own personal remake. Calling the wedding off was one of the best things that ever happened.
This is going from laughable to criminal really quick.
I thought that was just a rumor, Linus? I mean, how friggin' arrogant do you have to be to remake that film?
Sorry, I can't get over the Troy thing. What kind of idiot do you have to be, not to know that Paris Hilton kills Achilles?
I'd say "Could be worse--could be an Andrew Loud Webby production of 'Gatsby!'", but I'm afraid that would not in fact be any worse, or that it's already been done.
Are we sure this isn't a Lucas hoax intended to distract the Revolution and take the heat off him?
We will never be distracted from the Revolution, Ken. You will be dealt with accordingly simply for the suggestion.
Paris Hilton kills Achilles ... heh heh
For Whom the Bell Tolls:
Robert Jordan -- Pauly Shore
Maria -- Lindsey Lohan
I feel like banning your IP address for that one!!!
I have an evil imagination.... I could get meaner...
The African Queen
Charlie Allnut -- Steven Segall
Rose Sayer -- Rosie O'Donnell
In trying to imagine Rosie O'Donnell saying, "Nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we were put on this earth to rise above..." - I begin to weep uncontrollably.
So do we all, red, so do we all.
Emily - The B-Lo Casablanca remake was more than a rumor, though whether they actually paid the money and locked the deal down or just got partway through negotiations will probably never be clear (at least we can hope).
Sky.com reported that they had the rights.
Yahoo LAUNCH said it was just in negotiation.
Here is a report that the backer pulled out after Gigli.
Anyway you cut it, that's just too close. But it won't happen now; praise be.
Tina Fey (the Saturday Night Live anchor-woman) reported on the whole Casablanca 2 news this way:
"Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have begun negotiations to do a re-make of Casablanca. This would be for people who saw the original, and wished it was terrible."
I remember almost a decade ago hearing Casablanca remake rumors surrounding an attempt to cast Nick Cage as Rick.
The idea of Paris Hilton as Daisy/Zelda is so repulsive..hell, I can't even laugh or talk about it. Anyone who would fund or promote such an abomination should be flogged. How did it come to pass that such people have some influence over our cultural enlightenment?
Phtttt! AMATEURS! All of you!!
Bingley and I teamed up to put you all to shame:
Michael Moore and Roseanne doing a remake of Last Tango in Paris. Check out the comment following...it gave Emily a major stroke.
Yeah, well, another awful one came to me in fevered dreams last night:
Twelve Angry Men
Cedric the Entertainer
The "Fab Five" from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
I awoke screaming.
first, has anyone considered hooking up a turbine to Fitzgerald as he spins in his grave over this? We could probably power Manhattan or maybe even D.C. based on the electricity generated.
Second, this popped into my head when I saw the title "Jay G.:"
"Turning and turning in a widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer.
Things fall apart, the center cannot hold.
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world..."
but then, that's what always pops into my head when I get that old apocalyptic feeling.
Does that mean that Paris Hilton "Slouches towards Hollywood to be porn?"
As repulsive an idea this is, it does not surprise me one bit. Is it any more a waste of good celluloid than all of there current remakes of classic films, or movie versions of old TV shows. Gee, if we're lucky, someone will make a three hour epic of "The Newlywed Game".
Miscasting in films is nothing new. John Wayne once played Genghis Khan; Elvis Presley, a Native American; Harvey Keitel was totally out of place as an Apostle in "Last Tempation of Christ" ( "Jeesis, we'eh ya followahs").
Oh, one last thing: Despite the fact that I am new here, and am most likely going to ruin my reputation right off the bat, I will make a confession--I like Paris Hilton. I haven't quite come up with a single reason why exept I find her strangely fascinating.
I haven't quite come up with a single reason why exept I find her strangely fascinating.
Yeah, well, so are multi-vehicle pileups.
Miscasting in films is nothing new??? Really?? Why didn't someone TELL me! :)
Paris Hilton isn't an actress. John Wayne is an actor - he can try to stretch himself, he can try to break out of his own mold. Paris Hilton ISN'T AN ACTRESS. Huge difference. And just because something has gone on forever doesn't mean I can't bitch and moan about it!!
Brian: heh. good one.
tom: I think the difference between my feelings between "Jay G." and, say, a movie of "Gilligan's Island" is that one is "The Great Gatsby" and the other is, well, "Gilligan's Island."
Call me a reactionary but I do see a difference in the value - call it the "sacredness" if you must - of those two things. Or maybe "depth" is a better term.
I'm not saying that all "updates" are bad - I've seen some interesting versions of Shakespeare plays set in the WWII era, or as a Restoration drawing-room comedy, or suchlike, but there's something fundamentally different. I suppose part of it is the ex-NSYNC guy.
Why can't Paris and Lance (and hell, Carrot Top for that matter) put their, um, talents to a remake of something like, say, "The Dukes of Hazzard"?
(I know there will be people mad at me for suggesting even that, but I can't come up with a good example of something that I wouldn't consider being butchered by being remade)
What a bunch of condescending snobs!!!
Tom - What the hell? You don't know any of us - you made a comment, and people are responding to the content of your comment. It's only about Paris Hilton, after all.
Also: er - it's kind of not cool to be new to a blog and call the blogger a "condescending snob".
Not cool at all. I don't appreciate it, and I don't like my comment-areas to devolve into name-calling. It's extremely boring.
If you're just teasing or kidding - it's amazing what a little smiley emoticon will do. Take the edge off.
There's a huge difference between backing up your opinion and attacking those who may differ with you. Nobody said to you:
"WOW, YOU'RE SO STUPID!"
Disagreement is fine, name-calling is not.
If you think I'm a condescending snob, then don't read my blog, and go somewhere else.
Sheila, I didn't make myself clear. The people I was referring to as "condescending snobs" are the Paris Hilton's of the world. The ones who have everything, and gain even more, while looking down at people, and doing what they want. Your comment was not at all condescending; maybe a bit sarcastic, but not offensive.
When I mentioned that miscasting is nothing new, it wasn't meant to inform anyone of this well know fact; I was just making a point. Yes, I agree -- Hilton is by no means an actress, and that's what bothers me. When I said that I find Hilton fascinating, it's for this very reason. She has no talent, lots of money, but still has the public willing to make her more wealthy. Fascinating, yet disturbing.
I will make an effort to be more clear, now that I know I will be promptly put in my place.
Oops, my bad!! I thought you were referring to us!
This is the kind of mis-communication moment which would be TOTALLY unheard of if we all were sitting in a room talking to one another, in person. It's the dangers of the printed word - so often you can mis-understand what someone is saying - but if you were in person, body language would make everything clear.
A contest for the worst imaginable cast?
How about doing The Bonfire of the Vanities, with Tom Hanks, Bruce Willis, Melanie Griffi....oh, yeah-- they already did that!!
As for Paris Hilton, us men being what we are, unfortunately, a woman who portrays herself as a slut will always be noticed. But noticed is a far cry from admired.