Next script on my script shelf:
Next play in my little unalphabetized pile of Samuel French plays is Pterodactyls – Acting Edition
Pterodactyls was one of Silver’s first big hits. It also pretty much launched Hope Davis’ career. I wasn’t even living in New York in 1993 and I remember the buzz about her performance as Emma reaching me in Chicago.
I find this type of material extremely difficult. It’s black comedy – it’s zany – it’s dark, man – and you can’t ever stop to take a breath. It’s challenging stuff. If you miss the guts of it – if you only go for the cross-fire dialogue, if you only go for PACE – (fast and funny) – then I think the play could fail miserably. There’s a lot going on beneath the surface here. But you have to realize very early on to not take ANYthing at face value. Sentimentality and regular old human feeling is also something that does not exist in Pterodactyls. This family does atrocious things to each other, they say terrible unforgivable things to each other – but it’s a COMEDY.
Okay – enough trying to describe it.
Briefly, here is the wackadoodle plot:
The Duncan family. They are very very wealthy. The father – Arthur – is rather clueless as a father and husband, but president of the bank. The mother – Grace – is a socialite, consumed with trivial details of life, and also a raging alcoholic. They have two children. There is Emma – who is, at the beginning of the play, going to get married to a boy she has known for 3 weeks. She also has a problem in that she can’t remember anything. Her own brother walks in the room and she screams bloody murder, thinking he is an intruder. She cannot hold onto her own life. She has NO MEMORIES. She also is a complete hypochondriac, and really quite mad (meaning: insane). The other Duncan child is a son named Todd – who is obsessed with dinosaurs. He is building a dinosaur skeleton in their palatial living room. He has just returned home after a long time away. He has now contracted AIDS from ragingly unsafe gay sex up and down the Eastern seaboard (he has a graphic monologue about his activities) – and the rest of the family is a state of COMPLETE DENIAL that he is dying. He doesn’t have any symptoms – so how can he be dying, is their attitude. Also – everyone is also just really distracted with planning Emma’s wedding – they just don’t pay attention to anything else. Meanwhile: Mr. Duncan (bank president) is so bummed out that he has a gay son that he won’t even call his own son by his real name. He calls him “Buzz” because that’s the name of the son he would have LIKED to have had. Butch, manly, blah blah. At the end of the play, Todd has protested about this enough that his father finally caves – and calls him “Buzz-Todd”.
Emma’s fiance is a guy named Tommy. He is a waiter at something like Olive Garden. Also, he’s a really hostile and defensive film buff and is always interjecting into conversations at inappropriate moments: “Have you seen Night Porter?” Or whatever.
Mrs. Duncan cannot bear the thought of having a son-in-law who is a WAITER – so she offers Tommy a job as her maid. He accepts. And he gets so into the job that he basically becomes a raging homosexual in 24 hours time. He wears a small French maid’s outfit, he becomes obsessed with banana nut loaf, he loses interest in Emma, and falls in love with Emma’s brother Buzz-Todd. And Buzz-Todd falls in love with him. Although Buzz-Todd – with his obsession with dinosaurs, and his disease – can’t really care too much about the present moment. He knows that everything is transient – even things like dinosaurs, or true love.
But Tommy – on the day of this GINORMOUS wedding being frantically planned – blurts out his true feelings. Chaos ensues. But chaos is already ensuing so no one really notices.
The play has, of course, a dark ending. Todd gives his sister Emma a gun for a wedding present. When the revelation about Tommy (her fiance) comes out – and he tells her he doesn’t want to marry her – she walks offstage and shoots herself. Meanwhile: Tommy and Todd have already had sex – and Todd has passed on the virus to Tommy. Meanwhile: Mr. Duncan lost his job as president of the Bank. The family descends into utter poverty.
It’s all kind of hard to describe – so I will just stop. Here’s an excerpt from the big pre-wedding scene – with everyone onstage at once – all of them shouting about different things – trying to plan the wedding, dealing with last-minute crises, trying to communicate –
It’s a whirlwind. Try to keep up!!
Oh yes – and occasionally – characters will turn “out” and comment on stuff to the audience. Very funny. So if you see a stage direction that says [Out] that’s what it means.
From Pterodactyls – Acting Edition
[The lights come up, revealing Emma, on the sofar, writing thank you notes, wearing a cocktail length wedding dress. Gifts are scattered about. Through the French doors we see that it is autumn. Grace fiddles with the place cards]
EMMA. How do you spell ‘escargot’?
GRACE. All the place cards are out of order.
EMMA. You don’t know how to spell escargot?
GRACE. Thirty-two is man heavy.
EMMA. What does that mean?
GRACE. It’s all men. How did that happen?
EMMA. What difference does it make?
GRACE. Good God, Emma. It makes all the difference — who on earth sent you snails?
EMMA. Not snails, Mother. Forks. Escargot forks. Two dozen.
GRACE. From whom?
EMMA. Cousin Paul.
GRACE. Typical. Never marries. Sends forks.
EMMA. I like Cousin Paul. I think he’s funny.
GRACE. Oh, he’s funny all right.
EMMA. “… love, Emma.” Can I stop now?
GRACE. How many have you done?
EMMA. Forty-two. And I have writer’s block.
GRACE. [shuffling cards] You mean writer’s cramp — If I put Louise at thirty-two, I can put David Cumstock at eleven.
EMMA. Can I change please?
GRACE. Let me see the hem. [As Emma rises, Tommy enters from outdoors, wearing his maid’s uniform]
TOMMY. Has anyone called for me?
EMMA. Shut your eyes! Shut your eyes!
TOMMY. Have they?
EMMA. You’re not supposed to see me before the wedding!
TOMMY. I see you when I shut my eyes.
GRACE. Isn’t that sweet?
TOMMY. Has anyone called?!
GRACE. Tommy, would you mind not sitting with Emma, tomorrow?
TOMMY. No.
EMMA. I’d mind.
GRACE. Have you tried on your tux?
TOMMY. Has anyone called!?
EMMA. No.
GRACE. You’re going to look dashing in pants.
TOMMY. Thank you.
GRACE. And isn’t Emma’s dress beautiful? I’m so glad we decided against the full-length. Is the hem straight?
TOMMY. The hem?
EMMA. I can’t breathe.
TOMMY. I think so.
GRACE. I hope I ordered enough champagne.
EMMA. You did.
GRACE. Well, do me a favor and don’t drink champagne.
EMMA. At my wedding?
GRACE. Drink Scotch.
EMMA. I don’t like Scotch.
GRACE. You haven’t given it a chance. Trust me, drink enough of it, you’ll like it. [Phone rings. Tommy rushes to answer it]
TOMMY. Hello … It’s for you. [He hands the phone to Grace]
GRACE. Hello? Oh, hello, Mr. Lavie.
EMMA. Where were you all morning?
TOMMY. Out.
EMMA. Out. Out? Out? Out where?
TOMMY. I had some errands to run.
EMMA. What does that mean?
GRACE. [into the phone] Oh, that is too bad —
TOMMY. I had things to do.
EMMA. What kind of things?
TOMMY. Personal things. Private things.
GRACE. [into the phone] No. I don’t understand —
EMMA. You have secrets. I hate secrets.
TOMMY. I don’t have secrets. I have boundaries.
EMMA. I hate them more. Boundaries make me feel insecure. They make me feel unworthy of being loved. Boundaries make me feel fat.
TOMMY. Don’t be stupid.
EMMA. Name calling makes me feel needy and unwanted.
TOMMY. I’m sorry. I’m just nervous.
GRACE. [Into the phone] That simply won’t do. [Hangs up] This is terrible!
EMMA. What is it, Mother?
GRACE. That was Mr. Lavie. There’s a problem with the rabbit pate.
TOMMY. Rabbit pate?
GRACE. For the cocktail hour — it seems all the rabbits had cervical cancer and the pate is contaminated.
TOMMY. Ick.
EMMA. I don’t like the idea of eating bunnies anyway.
GRACE. That leaves us short on hors d’oeuvres! What am I supposed to do? Pass out Ritz crackers?
EMMA. I like Ritz crackers!
GRACE. I hate Mr. Lavie! He wears a pinkie ring with a diamond in it. And did you see? The tent is mustard and navy! I specifically asked for burnt ochre and midnight!
TOMMY. What’s burnt ochre?
EMMA. Mustard.
GRACE. The orchids are heliotrope!
TOMMY. What’s heliotrope?
EMMA. Purple.
GRACE. They look like giant bruises! I ordered aubergine!
TOMMY. What’s aubergine?
EMMA. Purple.
GRACE. It’s all part of the harvest — the vegetable theme I’m doing. The ochre, the aubergine — it’s a visual cornucopia — [The phone rings. Grace answers it] Hello?
TOMMY. Is it for me?
GRACE. [waving him away] Oh hello dear!
TOMMY. You were right. I’m sorry we didn’t elope.
GRACE. [into the phone] That is too bad. Of course I understand. I’ll call you soon. Bye, bye. [She hangs up the phone] I hate her!!!!
EMMA. Who’s that?
GRACE. Nina Triten!
EMMA. Who?
GRACE. You remember her, from the club.
EMMA. No.
GRACE. Well, she begs me to have her children at the wedding — you know I hate children, socially, at an affair — but she begs me. She plays the devoted mother, can’t leave them home, can’t leave them with strangers. So I acquiesce. And now, when it’s too late to fill her table, she cancels! She and her six, screaming, sticky-fingered little brats!
EMMA. Why?
GRACE. Oh, I don’t know. I wasn’t listening. Something about death, cancer, lymphoma, one of her children. Who cares? It’s obviously an excuse!
TOMMY. Cancer?
GRACE. I should just throw the place cards in the air and start from scratch. Twenty-seven is empty! I could put your father O’Hara there, and the Gideon twins — I know! Tommy, do you think if I called them right now, eight or nine of those Nuns who raised you might be free tomorrow?
TOMMY. I don’t know.
GRACE. Of course they are. What else do they have to do all day?
TOMMY. They supplicate.
GRACE. Oh, they can skip that for one day. This is an emergency. God won’t mind — I better go through my address book — Oh, why does everything happen to me? [Grace exits up the stairs]
EMMA. I have something to tell you.
TOMMY. Then just tell me! Do you have to narrate everything you do? Can’t you just do things? It’s not normal.
EMMA. I’m pregnant.
TOMMY. What?
EMMA. I’m going to have a baby.
TOMMY. Who’s the father?
EMMA. You are of course! I knew something was happening to me. My colon wasn’t hurting and my leg stopped cramping.
TOMMY. Those aren’t signs.
EMMA. And I missed my last two periods. The doctor called this morning. Do you want to feel it?
TOMMY. No thank you.
EMMA. Your seed is growing inside of me. I hope it’s a boy. Or a girl! I love children. Don’t you?
TOMMY. No.
EMMA. What do you mean?
TOMMY. What could I mean by “no”?
EMMA. Children are nice.
TOMMY. Noisy, screaming bundles of goo.
EMMA. You’ll come around. No one likes children until they have one.
TOMMY. We’ll see.
EMMA. Tomorrow we’ll leave here and never come back.
TOMMY. Don’t you think we should stay until the baby comes.
EMMA. Why?
TOMMY. You don’t know anything about babies.
EMMA. There’s nothing to know. My breasts’ll make milk.
TOMMY. I just think —
EMMA. You promised me!
TOMMY. I know I did.
EMMA. I can’t stay here! It’s been all right! I’ve been all right because I knew I was escaping! I knew there was an end!
TOMMY. I don’t want to go.
EMMA. [Not listening to him] Todd scares me! He’s creepy. He spends all of his time with the bones of dead things! And my father’s possessed — I know it! He speaks in tongues!
TOMMY. Don’t be dramatic.
EMMA. I don’t let on because I don’t want him to eat me! He comes to me at night. He wears a halo of fire. His feet are cloven, his hair is a tangle of snakes and his tongue is a mile long!
TOMMY. Your father?
EMMA. I can’t breathe!
TOMMY. Mr. Duncan?
EMMA. You promised me you’d save me!!
TODD. [Offstage] Hello.
EMMA. [To Tommy] CHEESE IT! [Todd enteres, carrying books on dinosaurs and a gift. To Todd, cheery] Hello.
TODD. You look very beautiful in your dress.
EMMA and TOMMY. Thank you.
TODD. I meant Emma.
TOMMY. Oh.
EMMA. Thank you.
TODD. Although you look well too, Tommy.
TOMMY. This old thing?
EMMA. I had another memory today! We were in a beautiful hot air balloon, with tiny twinkling lights on the basket, listening to “Moonlight Serenade”.
TODD. That never happened.
EMMA. But I remember it.
TODD. I’ve never been in a hot air balloon.
TOMMY. That’s from the cult-favorite, much maligned, 1980 Woody Allen film, Stardust Memories.
TODD. [Out] Never saw it.
TOMMY. [Out] Self-indulgent.
EMMA. [Out] Guess I liked it.
TOMMY. How are you feeling?
TODD. Fine.
EMMA. It’s remarkable that you have no symptoms.
TODD. I brought you a gift.
EMMA. I love presents! What’s the occasion?
TODD. Your wedding.
TOMMY. It’s very nice of you.
EMMA. [Unwrapping it] It’s beautiful! It’s … a gun.
TODD. Your pattern.
EMMA. It’s sweet. It’s a sweet looking gun.
TODD. I hope you like it.
EMMA. It’s lovely, but, do you really think a gun is an appropriate gift?
TODD. I didn’t know what to get you.
EMMA. I like earrings.
TOMMY. Don’t be ungrateful.
EMMA. It’s pretty!
TODD. [taking the gun, loading it] I thought you might need it.
EMMA. And we don’t have a gun. Do we honey?
TODD. I thought since you’re leaving —
EMMA. You told him?! I can’t believe you told him!
TOMMY. I didn’t mean to. It slipped out.
EMMA. We promised we wouldn’t.
TOMMY. He won’t tell anyone.
EMMA. That’s not the point! We agreed!
TOMMY. Well I did it and I can’t undo it!
TODD. You’ll need it out there. Everything is ending. People are corpses. They trample each other and never notice the cry of sorrow. While mothers, doctors, and civilized men practice their genocide.
EMMA. [bewildered, retrieving the gun] Well … I’ll just go toss this in my hope chest. [Emma exits]
TOMMY. I’m going to die.
ARTHUR. [enters and hangs his jacket on the dinosaur] Grace! Where’s Mrs. Duncan? Grace!
TODD. I’ve asked you not to do that!!!
TOMMY. [removing it] I’ll take it sir.
ARTHUR. How are you feeling Buzz-Todd?
TODD. Fine!
ARTHUR. No symptoms?
TODD. No! [Phone rings. Tommy rushes to it, dropping Arthur’s jacket on the floor. Todd goes to work on the dinosaur]
TOMMY. Hello?
ARTHUR. Where’s your Mother?
TODD. Upstairs.
ARTHUR. Grace!
TOMMY. [irritated, into the phone] Oh, just a minute. [Grace enters]
GRACE. Is that you Arthur? What are you doing home? Isn’t it the afternoon? I’ve lost the thread of the day —
TOMMY. [Handing Grace the phone] It’s for you.
GRACE. Thank you, Tommy. Hello?
TOMMY. Can I get you something, Sir?
ARTHUR. Privacy.
GRACE. [into phone] You must be kidding me.
TOMMY. [Hostile] I’m just doing my job.
GRACE. [hanging up] This is terrible!
TOMMY. What is it?
GRACE. Arthur, can you play the violin?
ARTHUR. Of course not.
GRACE. Viola?
ARTHUR. Grace!
GRACE. It seems our violinist was killed this morning by a stray bullet during a bank hold-up.
TOMMY. Did he work at a bank?
GRACE. He was holding one up.
ARTHUR. Who cares? No one’ll miss one violin from an orchestra.
GRACE. It’s a string quartet.
TODD. Not any more.
ARTHUR. I have to talk to you, Grace.
GRACE. [starting to rush off] Can’t it wait? I have to locate a violin and practice like mad.
ARTHUR. No! Something terrible has happened.
GRACE. Oh I know it. The tent is wrong, the flowers are off, the rabbits’ malignant and I’ve got a table full of nuns at twenty-seven.
ARTHUR. [sitting] Get me a drink.
TOMMY. [bitterly] Yes’m Massa Duncan. [Tommy exits]
GRACE. I wish, Arthur, you’d say please to the servants. Your curtness is read as ingratitude. You’re the reason we can’t keep good help.
ARTHUR. Don’t criticize me. I’ve had a terrible day.
GRACE. So have I. See your set-backs as challenges. That’s what I do.
TODD. I had a nice day.
GRACE. Did you?
TODD. But I see my set-backs as set-backs.
ARTHUR. Please. I don’t know how to say this — [Tommy enters with a drink]
TOMMY. Here.
ARTHUR. Why are you still wearing that?
TOMMY. It’s my uniform.
ARTHUR. I asked you to wear pants.
TOMMY. Mrs. Duncan said —
ARTHUR. It’s awful.
GRACE. It’s snappy.
ARTHUR. It’s faggy.
GRACE. Arthur, please.
ARTHUR. Well, it is. It’s the fruitiest thing I’ve ever seen.
GRACE. [under her breath] You’ll offend Todd.
ARTHUR. Oh, he doesn’t care. Do you Buzz-Todd?
GRACE. Arthur, he’s homosexual.
ARTHUR. That doesn’t mean he’s effeminate.
GRACE. He’ll have another “fit”.
ARTHUR. That’s all behind ya, isn’t it, Buzz-Todd?
TODD. No.
TOMMY. I think I look like Tony Curtis in Some Like it Hot!
ARTHUR. I hated that movie.
TOMMY. [hostile] It’s a classic.
GRACE. [to Arthur] You never had a sense of humor.
TODD. I found it politically incorrect in its portrayal of transvestites as buffoons.
GRACE. Didn’t you have something to tell me? I left Emma on a stool upstairs with pins in her hem.
ARTHUR. Don’t look at me. I don’t think I can say this if anyone is looking at me. [The others turn away from Arthur]
GRACE. Oh my. Maybe I should have a drink too.
ARTHUR. Why?
GRACE. It sounds as if I’m going to need one.
ARTHUR. Do you have to?
GRACE. Just one.
ARTHUR. It always starts with “just one”, doesn’t it?
GRACE. [turning back to Arthur] What does?
ARTHUR. You know very well.
GRACE. I don’t know what you’re talking about — Tommy, a scotch. [Tommy rises]
ARTHUR. Sit down, Tommy. [Tommy sits] I’m asking you not to.
GRACE. If I understood your implication, I’d be insulted. A drink, please. [Tommy rises]
ARTHUR. Sit Tommy. [Tommy sits]
GRACE. Stand Tommy. [Tommy rises]
ARTHUR. Grace, it’s not even four.
GRACE. So what?
ARTHUR. If you start now, you’ll be gone by dinner.
GRACE. Gone? Gone where? Try to avoid the vague euphemism.
TOMMY. Would you like me to leave?
ARTHUR. That would be best. [Tommy starts to exit]
GRACE. Stay put, Tommy. [Tommy sits] If Mr. Duncan wishes to hurl ugly accusations, let him do so in public. What are you trying to say, Arthur?
ARTHUR. You’re an alcoholic, Grace.
GRACE. [very still] What did you say to me?
TODD. He called you an alcoholic.
ARTHUR. I wish you wouldn’t drink so much!
GRACE. What’s “so much”?
ARTHUR. You drink yourself blind every night.
GRACE. You call that “so much”? Please.
