The Riveting Psychodrama of Vincent Gallo

So last night I went with Jess and Curly to see Brown Bunny, the film which was literally Boo-ed out of the Cannes festival this year, the film which, we are informed by the very first credit, was:

WRITTEN, DIRECTED, PRODUCED, AND EDITED BY VINCENT GALLO

I wonder if he was also the “best boy”, the “key grip”, and also in charge of craft services? If you’re gonna wear a lot of hats, you may as well wear them all.

Brown Bunny has already become notorious because of the bad reception it got at Cannes, and also because Chloe Sevigny performs an actual sex act … in the film. (Of course, the recipient of the sex act is Vincent Gallo. Who else???)

WE HAD TO SHOW OUR IDS to get into the movie theatre.

I haven’t been carded to get into a movie since going to see The Breakfast Club in high school.

The 3 of us went for myriad reasons. We went to see how bad it really was. We went to see if the Cannes brou-haha was warranted. We went out of curiosity. We also went for openly prurient reasons. We wanted to see the penis. Bring Me the Penis of Vincent Gallo!

Here is Jess’ summary of this god-awful film. heh heh heh Go read it.

And here is curly’s response. heh heh heh

Vincent Gallo has slipped off the rails. He has lost the plot. His spool has unwound.

But his penis is huge.

So he’s got that going for him.

I have a couple of things to say:

— What the hell was up, dude, with the 15 minute motorcycle race, around and around and around, that opened the film? WHAT made you look at the editing of that sequence (and, as you so freely told us, you also EDITED this movie, so it’s your responsibility) and think: “Okay. The way I have cut the scene is perfect. I won’t change a thing.”

— Basically, I think that you have a depression problem, Vince.

–Okay, so I get that you like girls who have flower-names … but … they have to also be wearing necklaces with the flower-names on little lockets in order for you to … what … try to pick them up? Or … not pick them up? Drive them around? Or … not drive them around? What exactly was going on there?

— Your crying in that last scene was embarrassing.

— About the crying – I couldn’t even concentrate on what was going on, because I was still reeling from staring at your enormous penis. Have you ever heard, Vince, of this very very important concept called “willing suspension of disbelief”? Very important theatrical concept, you really should read up on it.

— I now intimately know the contours of your ear lobe, Vince (not to mention the size of your dick) because 75% of the movie was shot in profile, as you drove along … directly into your ear. Scene after scene after scene after scene after scene … It was riDICulous! (Stella Adler, great acting teacher, used to always say that “Talent is in the choice.” Someone’s talent is revealed in the choices they make. So …. Vince’s choice of camera placement here … is … er … well, frankly, it stinks.)

— Dude. What was up with bunny? What is the significance of it? No, never mind. Please don’t answer that.

— I just want to know WHAT made you think this was good? What made you think the final cut was … final? “Yes. There is no more that I can do with this movie. It is finis.”

I also have a message for Chloe:

— Do your parents care?????? I know you have a good relationship with them (because I’m Sheila, and I’m nuts, and I actually know stuff like that. I actually know that Chloe Sevigny has a good relationship with her parents) … but I know that my parents would – well – Jesus, they just would not go for me getting all rated-X like that!

— I really want to know your decision-making process as well. I know that you were actually dating Vincent Gallo … but I’ve dated lots of guys and haven’t agreed to perform X-rated sex acts that will then be on display in the Sunshine Cinema on Houston Street. So … please tell me. How did you decide that … this was what you needed to do?

One last note: I have a lot of thoughts about what has happened to Vincent Gallo, because I’ve actually very much liked his acting work before, and I thought Buffalo 66, his other directing foray, was great. But I’ll save my in-depth analysis of Vincent Gallo (which I think pretty much comes down to clinical depression – He directs like a depressed man – he points the camera like a depressed man – he acts like a depressed man) for another day.