Diary Friday

The following entry, from my sophomore year in high school has everything! Girlie adolescent excitement, poetic yearning, pop culture references, and then … an awful story from the roller rink which I had completely blocked out. As always, there are moments when I feel almost too embarrassed to post this … but that’s part of the fun of it.

DECEMBER

I hope my Seventeen comes today. [I mean, honestly. That’s the beginning of the entry.]

Oh, GUESS WHAT! I’m going to Tootsie tonight! I can’t WAIT! L. called me but I want to call up Mere and go with her. [Er – thank God, in retrospect] Nancy said that you laugh through the whole thing. I’m so psyched!

Listen to this: It begins with a forest where the woodchucks woo, and leaves wax green and vines entwine like lovers; try to see it. Not with your eyes, for they are wise; but see it with your ears: the cool green breathing of the leaves. And hear it with the inside of your hand: the soundless sound of shadows flicking light. Celebrate sensation. Recall that certain place; you’ve been there. You remember. That speciasl place where once — just once — in your crowded sunlit lifetime, you hid away in shadows from the tyranny of time. That spot beside the clover where someone’s hand held your hand, and love was sweeter than the berries, or the honey, or the stinging taste of mint. It is September. Before a rainfall. A perfect time to be in love.

Isn’t that so beautiful? I love to read that. It’s so cool and dewy. [That’s from the musical “The Fantasticks” by the way] Can’t you just picture that and hear the whispering breeze? I wish I were there with J.W. [Oh for God’s sake, not that loser. Who wore a headband. And thought it was macho.]

Guess what I’m doing for New Years? Babysitting. (Sigh.) Oh well. I wouldn’t expect that I’d be invited to any party or anything.

[Sheila: in reading these past 4 paragraphs I must ask the question which is probably on everyone’s minds: What do you have against segues, for God’s sake?]

9:30 – I saw Tootsie. I am in love! I honestly am! With Dustin Hoffman. [It would take me a couple more viewings to realize that my heart REALLY belonged to the roommate – played with perfect dryness by Bill Murray] The man is so sensitive – and God, it seems like he really respects women, and I like that, but he was also positively hilarious. Kate, Mere and I were – I laughed until my stomach felt empty. When he ripped off his wig on live TV – I swear, we all almost fell out of our seats. You laugh through the whole movie, but it also had meaning. That’s what I think makes a great comedy movie, not just a good one. Dustin’s character ended up having points to make about sexism – but we laughed hysterically the whole time. It was so much fun. There is one image of him – in a baggy sweatshirt and faded jeans leaning on a car. And his hair and his face in that scene – I realized actually that I thought he was quite handsome. But God. It was just hysterical. [And my first impression has now lasted over 20 years. I still love that movie.]

3:00 am – I can’t sleep because my teeth are killing me. (New wire) I’ve been thinking about something that I have to right down – about all of my friends and how great they are. It was one night at Ocean Skate and this awful jerky girl kept going up to Dolores saying, “You need skating lessons” and all this really mean stuff. We didn’t know who she was. She basically was just a stupid shithead, and I loathe her whoever she is, and hope she has a miserable life. So anyway, I got in on it, telling Dolores to ignore her whenever she skated by, because she would lean over to make a face at us and then skate off laughing. It was so ridiculous and it made me so mad that she skated by once, I yelled at her: “FUCK OFF!” I don’t know how people can be like that. What right do they have in making people miserable? Who the fuck do they think they are? I don’t understand. So then of course she started bugging me. I guess she was just showing off for her friends and they all crowded around me and she started saying how ugly I was and how I should push up my glasses. I thought the whole thing was so bizarre that I basically just laughed through the whole thing, and they got bored and skated off, unsatisfied. So then we all decided to forget about it and go out and skate. I was going around when all of a sudden I felt these hands around my waist and I looked over my shoulder and it was that CUNT. God, I got so scared all of a sudden. Not of her. But of falling down and having her laugh at me. I shook her off and zoomed on, but she caught up, grabbed onto me again, and skated me towards the wall, shoving me right into it. I fell on the ground and she skated off, roaring with laughter. Suddenly all of my friends were around me. Dolores kept saying, “I told you not to get involved.” But Kate said, “I saw the whole thing, Sheila” and Beth was fuming: “I am telling the manager and anyone who stands in my way will have to deal with me.” God, I love her! And then Mere zoomed over. I was crying by then and I held out my hands, which were all cut up, and she took them and squeezed them so tightly I thought mky bones would break. I remember what she said. “Sheila, I am fuckin’ shaking. I saw her go towards you and I started going so fast, weaving in and out, trying to get over there …” I just remember thinking later about her going to protect me. I really needed their support that night.

Phew! I wrote it out. It’s been circling around in my brain for some time.