The Books: Pardon Me, You’re Stepping On My Eyeball(Paul Zindel)

Daily Book Excerpt: YA books:

Next book on the shelf is Pardon Me, You’re Stepping on My Eyeball! by Paul Zindel.

Of all of Zindel’s books, this might be my favorite. Don’t let the title throw you off. It’s sort of a One flew over the cuckoo’s nest for the adolescent set. It’s about two MISERABLE teenage misfits: Marsh Mellow and Edna Shinglebox. I mean, with names like that …. Marsh is a troublemaker, a loner, he carries a pet raccoon with him in his pocket at all times, his mother is a raging drunk whom he calls Schizo Suzy – and his father has disappeared. Marsh’s story is that his father has been institutionalized – and he’s been put into an insane asylum because the government fears him so much, fears his insights, his truth … Marsh is a FANATICAL conspiracy theorist. There are powerful forces at work … there are powerful men behind the curtain controlling everything … and his father is the latest victim. He only tells this whole story to Edna Shinglebox, though – once they become friends, in a weird kind of way. He wants Edna’s help in breaking his father out of the asylum. He lets Edna read his father’s letters to him – which are phenomenal. Phenomenal in terms of what Zindel has created – a frenzied stream of conscious voice – going on and on … in a typical radical voice, he sounds like a member of the Weather Underground. Edna is horrified. She wants out. But somehow … she can’t abandon Marsh. She gets deeper and deeper involved with him … and all KINDS of insane things happen. Edna, meanwhile, is a long-haired clumsy freak, whose parents are ashamed of her – or actually, it’s more her mother who is ashamed of her. Her father is kind of weak and ineffectual, and her mother is basically in a PANIC because her daughter is not attractive and has never been on a date. She takes Edna to psychologists, and bitches to the psychologist about what a loser her daugher is. Edna just sits there, hiding behind her hair, waiting for it to be over.

Now all of this may sound, uhm, depressing?? And I guess it is – but Zindel’s writing is such that this book makes me laugh out loud almost every other page. Every single person in this book is nuts. And yet … you love them. You also see that … we’re ALL nuts. But does that mean we cannot connect? Marsh Mellow is locked up in his own private agony – he has a secret – he is too ashamed to tell anyone – it’s much more romantic to believe that your father has been incarcerated by some frightening bureaucracy than to deal with the truth … and yet … Marsh is lovable. Marsh looks at Edna and realizes, in the first second, that this girl is so insane herself that she will not reject him out of hand. She’s “the one” for him.

I ADORE this book.

The whole climax of the book takes place at a party – given by Jacqueline – a girl that Edna has kind of befriended. This is the beauty of the book, too: Jacqueline is gorgeous, rich, smart, and popular. She has everything. She is dating the quarterback (who, actually, is a horrible human being – but he’s hot and perfect, etc.) But even with all the outer stuff, the material stuff – Jacqueline, too, is nuts. She’s lonely. She’s depressed. She knows people only like her because she’s rich and has a swimming pool. Nobody goes through adolescence unscathed. Not even the ones who SEEM like they have it all. Zindel knows this.

Anyway – Jacqueline decides to have a small party at her house. And things get out of hand. HUNDREDS of people show up. Mayhem ensues. Nobody does teenage drunken mayhem like Zindel. An entire cult shows up – a bunch of Jesus Freaks who follow around a golden-haired teenager who calls himself God Boy … etc.

I’ll post an excerpt from the party. It’s SO stressful to read because you can tell that things are very quickly spiralling out of control – and Jacqueline is only 16 and she’s not supposed to have friends over while her parents are away – and now there are literally 300 kids running all over the house, and out on the lawn God Boy gives a sermon to 150 crying kids and everyone’s drunk. Edna has decided that she needs to tell Marsh that she loves him so she has written him a letter. She’s freaked OUT.

Also, notice Zindel’s names. He’s SO good at names. Member when Jay Gatsby has that big party, and Fitzgerald lists all the names of the people there? My teacher in high school, Mr. Crothers, spent an entire class with us analyzing all of those names – each of which had a double meaning … Zindel’s names are just as good. Every one is a joke.

Oh – and I won’t get to that in the excerpt – but what ends up happening at the party? A fire starts and Jacqueline’s entire house burns down. Burns to the ground. Everyone gets out in time except for … Marsh Mellow’s beloved raccoon.

Horror!!!

Excerpt from Pardon Me, You’re Stepping on My Eyeball! by Paul Zindel.

It didn’t take Edna more than a minute to realize there was going to be a lot more than forty kids at the party; in fact there were already more than that and half the football team wasn’t there yet. Butch was supposed to be leading the way for the kids from Marblehead, Massachusetts, and as it was, Edna knew only about half the kids there. Most of them weren’t even on the football team. Some had been in one class with her or another; some she recognized only because some pictures had come into the Crow’s Nest. Richard Kay, Vincent Rolio and Gilbert Barker came with Joan Canyon, Joan Hybred and Norlicka Tobinson; those three girls were known as the three easiest girls in the school, except for Norma Jean Stapleton. Then there was Ed Skahn who was the type any girl would love to run into, especially if she was driving and he was walking. He was with Greg Cutter, John Kenny and John Mell. Renee Rare arrived with Chris Phlegm whose father was an alcoholic district attorney. Chris Phlegm’s brother, Nick, arrived with Bonnie Hilderstraw who always went to parties with her own record, and would dance “Slaughter on Tenth Avenue” at the drop of a hat. Betty Slagen and Tillie Roe came intogether, and they said they had been invited by Billy Selmond who was on the football team. Some very freaky kid by the name of Hansen came in with Maureen Clapper, and they were both sporting matching riveted jeans which looked ridiculous. Then there was Lucille Bore who was so cranky you had to say things to her like, “Tomorrow will be Monday, if it’s all right with you.” Marmaduke Jones came by himself, and as good as he was as a Junior Class politician, he was a complete bust trying to be the life of the party. Gert Ronkiwitz came in looking like she was still wearing her crown as last year’s football queen. She had such an artificial laugh. Edna couldn’t stand to be near her. Edna realized half of what she was thinking was only because she was so nervous keeping an eye on the front door for Marsh to come in. She wanted everything to go right. She’d have to decide just the exact moment to give him the letter she’d written. She’d wait until he’d had a glass of wine maybe, and then she’d just saunter over to him and press the letter in his hand. Maybe she’d whisper, “Please read this.” Then she’d just turn quickly and go away. That would probably be the best approach. Maybe she’d go upstairs. She fantasized that Marsh would take the letter out by the pool wanting to be alone whil he read it. Maybe if she went to one of the decks on the second or the fourth floor, she could pper over and watch him reading it from above. She’d give him a few minutes and if he didn’t come upstairs looking for her, she’d come down. Maybe she should wait longer upstairs to make sure he’d come up, then the could be alone and talk. On the other hand, if he didn’t see her downstairs, maybe he’d think she just left the party. She’d have to make sure that didn’t happen. Or maybe she should just tell him, “Here read this — I’ll be waiting upstairs.”

By nine o’clock there was a nice buzz to the party. The sliding glass doors on the first floor had to all be opened, and a lot of kids were straying out near the kidney-shaped pool. Richard Kay and about a half dozen others had gone upstairs just to take a look. They’d asked permission from Jacqueline and Jacqueline said it was okay. Then a few others went up, and somebody turned the stereo system all the way up until the entire living room was beginning to vibrate.

“We’re going to need more sauce,” Jacqueline moaned.

“I’ll do it,” Edna offered. Several of the other girls were willing to help too, except for Joan Canyon, Joan Hybred and Norlicka Tobinson who were already practically throwing their bodies at every guy on the football team.

“Great grinders,” a lot of kids commented, as they moved around the buffet table. Most of the boys were putting two or three veal cutlets on each grinder, and Maureen Clapper must have been drunk before she and Hansen arrived because it wasn’t five minutes before she dropped her grinder in the swimming pool. That really burned Edna up. It just seemed a very revolting and careless thing to do. Edna used her annoyance at Maureen Clapper for energy to stir the big pot of sauce. Then she happened to glance out of the kitchen window, and there at last was Marsh. Edna felt her heart starting to dance on her diaphragm again. She was very excited, and she felt that tonight was going to be a wonderful evening. She could see Marsh was wearing the same outfit as the night he came to take her to the Magic Elephant. In fact, maybe that’s why he’s dressed that way, Edna thought. Just to remind me of that wonderful evening. Instinctively, Edna put her hand in her pocket to make sure her note was ready. At exactly that moment, Edna noticed that there was something attached to the end of Marsh’s left hand, Edna almost passed out when she realized it was Norma Jean Stapleton. In fact, Edna was so startled, she froze, looking out the kitchen window.

“What’s the matter?” Jacqueline asked, noticing Edna’s stiff position.

“Nothing,” Edna said.

Jacqueline leaned over to see what Edna was staring at. “Oh my God,” Jacqueline said. “When Norma Jean Stapleton comes to your house, you’ve got to fumigate it in the morning because she leaves cooties all over.”

Edna buried her head in the sauce pot and began stirring like a madwoman. She hoped Jacqueline wouldn’t notice her reaction, but it was too late.

“You do think he’s groovy, don’t you,” Jacqueline said. Jacqueline winked, and then disappeared into the crowd with a fresh tray of sliced Italian bread. Out of the corner of her eye Edna saw Marsh and Norma Jean come into the kitchen and then stroll by hand in hand. They shot towards the buffet table like piranha going for a calf that had fallen into the Amazon River. They started fixing themselves grinders like there was no tomorrow. Edna knew very well Marsh had seen her, and she could hear him laughing extra-loud and artificially. Edna also noticed Raccoon’s little head peeking in and out of Marsh’s jacket pocket. She thought it was unforgivable that he had to drag that poor, cute, little innocent victim along. Edna also heard a lot of kids cracking their usual cracks about Norma Jean Stapleton. Like one kid said, “I didn’t know this was going to be a pig party.” That line always got a big laugh, because the worst thing that had ever happened to Norma Jean Stapleton was the time the tennis team decided to have a party where each guy had to bring the ugliest girl they could date. Nick Phlegm took Norma Jean, and his job was to arrive last and bring a live baby pig. He had told Norma Jean that the baby pig was a door prize and she didn’t suspect anything until they arrived at the party. Norma was petting the baby pig, but after a minute all the girls took a look at each other and figured out what kind of party it was, especially when all the boys roared with laughter. Some of the girls broke down crying, included Norma Jean, who was supposed to have stood there with the baby pig in her arms until she was so pathetic, Nick Phlegm even felt sorry and took her home.

It seemed every time Edna looked up from the stove, Marsh was looking her way and slurping up his grinder. He’d also suddenly become animated and do something like stroke Norma Jean’s hair, or pat her on the back, or let out another horselaugh as though Norma Jean was the most sensational date in the world. Finally it seemed Marsh was waiting only to get Edna’s attention, and when she’d look at him, Marsh would spring into action with his arm around Norma Jean, and finally he took her strolling out to the pool. Raccoon’s head was still popping in and out, looking very bewildered. Edna felt the sad, big black eyes of the cute little furry ball were pleading with her for help. She didn’t know whether Raccoon would even remember her; she’d never read anything about whether raccoons had good memories or not. But Edna had grown very fond of the animal. Edna had told herself she shouldn’t feel that way; it was probably just because the animal belonged to Marsh that she loved it.

At that moment a van and a bus pulled up outside the glass house and all hell broke loose. Kids were running around saying, “God Boy’s here! God Boy’s here!” Almost everybody ran out onto the front lawn like rats deserting a ship. The van had what looked like a hundred thousand dollars’ worth of amplifiers and speakers, and the members of the band looked like they had the kind of mentality that would go to see toe dancers at a ballet and wonder why the management didn’t hire taller girls. They all had long hair and hillbilly clothes, and they mvoed fast to get the equipment set up around the poola rea. Butch Ontock came running up to Jacqueline to explain that God Boy had brought a busload of kids from his commune up in Marblehead. And from what Edna could see, it looked like most of that crew had gone the way of all flesh.

“I don’t have enough grub!” Jacqueline yelled.

“Who cares,” Butch said. “This crew is already stoned out of their minds.” Butch ran back towards God Boy’s bus.

A minute later, almost everyone was off the bus and a group of kids from the commune began lighting candles and walking like paraplegic geese towards the house.

“Oh, my God.” Edna heard Jacqueline groan as she ran back into the kitchen. “They’ve got a procession going on out there! A procession!”

Edna poured the batch of new sauce into what was left of the old batch on the buffet table, and went out on the lawn to watch God Boy make his entrance. The kids with the candles were parading in the front gate, and Butch Ontock and Greg Cutter were flanking a very tall boy who looked sort of plain and simple, but was wearing jeans and a phosphorescent, Renaissance-prince shirt. But as he got closer, Edna could see that this boy had the most beuatiful smile Edna had ever seen in her life. It’s like you would hardly notice him unless he smiled, but the minute you saw his smile you couldn’t take your eyes off him. He smiled at all the kids who were lined up staring at him on the lawn, and Edna could tell they were all fascinated by him. It was a very weird phenomenon. There was something tremendously magnetic about this boy in the phosphorescent shirt – the way he moved, the way he carried his head – and the sound of his voice was angelically sincere. “Hello Brothers, hello Sisters,” the boy said. He reached out and touched some of the kids as he moved by them, and at one point he gave Butch Ontock a big hug. Then he singled out Bonnie Hilderstraw and put his arm around her. She kissed him even though she’d never met him before. God Boy was saying other things, most of which Edna couldn’t hear because she was on the outside edge of the crowd, but as he came closer and more light hit his face, Edna was aware of an enormous tension lurking beneath the slow, steady motion of his movement. “Tonight will be your night,” God Boy said at one point, and then turned his head and repeated it. “Tonight will be your night.” Edna hadn’t the faintest idea of what he was talking about, and she was sure no one else did either. But it was all very moving and spiritual, and there was no doubt that there was something very special about this boy. A few kids shook his hand and called him God Boy, but he corrected them and asked them to just call him Michael. “We’re all children of God,” he said.

Scurrying back to the house, Edna happened to glance up to the second floor and saw Marsh and Norma Jean Stapleton leaning over the second-floor railing on the deck. Marsh was staring down at Edna, but the moment Edna looked up, Marsh put his arm around Norma Jean quickly. Seeing that made Edna feel miserable. She actually even felt a pain near her heart. She hurried back into the house and the first thing she did was pull out the letter she had written to Marsh and rip it up. She threw the pieces of the letter into the garbage compactor and pressed a switch. There was the loud crashing of broken bottles and she was glad that the thoughts she had written down were now crushed into garbage. Within another couple of minutes the crew from Massachusetts had moved in and taken over the entire kitchen.

“What are they doing?” Jacqueline demanded to know.

Butch started feeling Jacqueline a big line and put his arm around her and led her off to quiet her down. But Jacqueline kept repeating it. “What are they doing? What do they think they’re doing here?” Edna had to admit that the girls from the commune seemed to really know what they were doing, even if they were opening up all the kitchen closets. They looked like they were getting ready to eat Jacqueline’s family out of house and home. In another minute, steaks were being cooked, roasts were being defrosted; they just laced into everything. Edna decided to get away from the whole matter, and besides, she was pretty exhausted from all the work she’d done. She decided to go upstairs to the living room, not beause Marsh was there, but because she felt like it. She even took a glass of wine with her. As she was going up the stairs, there was a deafening blast from the band which was all hooked up at the pool. Jo had to shut off the stereo system, although it didn’t really matter because the amplifying system the band had brought with them was capable of drowning out everything. From the living-room windows Edna could see a lot of the kids had started dancing down by the pool and it was suddenly apparent that the kids from Massachusetts had everything under control. A huge, wrought-iron candleabra had been brought in from the van and ended up being the destination of all the lighted candles the kids had carried in the procession. One by one, each kid had put a lighted candle in the candleabra until there were more than thirty candles. They tried to keep it upstairs in the living room, but Jacqueline screamed because there was so much wax dripping. She made them take it and put it down in the kitchen. And the light from the candles was so bright that the electric lights in the kitchen were shut off. Edna noticed there seemed to be three main bodyguards that stayed close to God Boy. They looked like Little Caesar, Public Enemy Number One, and Scarface. She’d noticed them first sizing up the kitchen and outdoor area, and then deciding that it wasn’t suitable for their leader. So now they were upstairs and taken over the living room.

“What about the wax,” Jacqueline was running around complaining. “What about all the wax down there? It’s getting all over the tiles.”

“It comes right off with hot water.” One of the girls fromt he commune was telling her not to worry.

God Boy was led to a place of honor on the living-room terrace. A sofa had been dragged out so he’d be comfortable, and kids began to sit at his feet, including a whole slew of girls who had brought him wine, food, and for some reason, three bags of Taco chips. Edna was afraid to go near God Boy, so she just stayed on the fringe, behind the glass doors.