Scene: 1787, a smoke-filled tavern, New York. Sheila, in modern-day dress, enters. Her pupils are dilated from excitement. She strolls through, looking around. Powdered wigs. Tin mugs, with foam dripping down the side. Candles sputtering black smoke. She is the only woman there. Crowds of men stand around talking and carousing and interrupting and arguing. Then – she sees him. Standing in conversation in the back. She recognizes him immediately. She recognizes the ruddy face, the bright eyes. He has a glitter to him that the other men do not have. She has read about that glitter. And there it is. Right in front of her. It is unmistakeable. The books did not lie. Shyly, she approaches. He turns, and sees her.
Once she starts talking, she cannot stop. It is mortifying, and yet she cannot help herself.
Sheila: Oh, Mr. Hamilton. I have waited so long for this moment. You don’t know me – I’m from the future. I’m an American – and – well – everything that you’re working on right now – everything you’re fighting for, and fighting about – well, I just want you to know that I am living in the country that you planned, that you dreamt up. You saw so far ahead – and I’m telling you – so much of what you imagined has come to pass. (Sheila laughs in a manic and disturbing manner. She is overly excited.) I just wanted you to know that I so admire you, even though you were kind of insane, and – I just wondered how you did it. How did you write so much? How did you just KNOW certain things? Where does that kind of intelligence come from? Jefferson’s gonna get all the glory – for a long while. I really should warn you about that. Is John Adams here? Because he should be warned as well – I know that’s gonna piss him off – but anyway – even though Jefferson’s the golden boy, in terms of posterity – you should just know that I think you’re the bomb. I really do. Even though Abigail Adams despised you. I have so many questions to ask you. I have so much I want to say. Sorry to bother you …I am sure you’re really busy right now – it’s 1787 after all – but do you have, like, 5 or 10 minutes to give me? I MUST interview you – I have a list of questions.
There is a long pause. Hamilton stares at Sheila. He then leans forward, and awkwardly, kind of stumbles a bit. Sheila smells the liquor on his breath. He holds out his mug.
Hamilton: (slurring words) You’ve got slammin’ knockers.
Sheila: Uhm … thanks?
Hamilton: (throwing his arm around her) Bitch, you’re hot.
Sheila: But … but … The Federalist Papers …
Hamilton: Federalist Shmederalist. Let’s knock boots.
Sheila: I … I’ve come such a long way … is Madison here? Maybe I can talk to him?
Hamilton: Madison’s a fucking bore.
Sheila: I only have limited time here, and I have so much to ask you about! And the Duel – Oh. Wait. You don’t know about that yet. Forget I said that.
Hamilton: Let’s PARTY!
Sheila: Really? That’s it? I must take a moment to tell you that you must NEVER, under any circumstances, go to Weehawken.
Hamilton: Are your boobs real?
Well…maybe he’ll talk about the Federalist Papers about 10 or 20 minutes later?
Bill!! Are you on your honeymoon right now?? This is actually for ANOTHER Bill – but hopefully everyone will find it amusing.
And I would hope for 20 minutes later, as opposed to 10 – but that’s just me. :)
Happy wedding, bill. Hope it was great.
I got back last night. I figured it wasn’t for me, but it did make me laugh out loud.
And as long as it isn’t 5…
Bill – just read your recap of the honeymoon and it made me laugh out loud!!!
“Nobody abducted or killed Christie on our honeymoon so now I won’t get to be on the Nancy Grace show …”
You kill me!!!!
Give my best to the wife. :)
Yeah, really. As long as it isn’t 5.
I would have been all “Dude, you’ve *got* to see this movie called Star Wars. It’s like the reason democracy was invented.”
you shouldn’t have kissed aaron burr…you got your boyfriend killed!
Ha! I love your crushes on historical figures. Cracks me up.
Thanks for the smile!
“Bitch, your hot.” Holy shit, that’s funny. I can just see him with his wig askew and his knickers saggy.
20? C’mon, these guys were used to hard work. 45 easy.
Hah, so cute and funny! You’re forcing limp my way to Hamilton’s Statue tomorrow, not fair. :p
BTW. If there were fake boobs back in the days, what would they be made of? WOOD?
That was fantastic, Sheila.
GNug – combine that with the fake wooden teeth and you’ve got yourself a party.
Oh and GNug – you have to let me know when you’ve run past “the spot” where Mr. Hamilton met his maker. :) It’s really beautiful right there. I ran by this morning, circa 6:15 am. I’m insane but it was so cool and windy and beautiful. Nice to beat the heat of the day.
My mind gave Kelsey Grammer’s voice to Hamilton. It was inspired by that episode of The Simpsons where Sideshow Bob was put in charge of a construction crew and complained, “Oh, great. I supposed that when a woman passes by, it will be my job to lead in the hooting. ‘Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam. Capital knockers!'”
The phrase “capital knockers” never fails to crack my shit up.
Youve no idea how much I needed that laugh today…
thanks sheila!!
Of course, I notice that you didn’t actually say, ‘No!’… :)
Yes Red, you’re completely insane running at such ungodly hours, for you daily rendezvous. Talk about a crush, I wonder who would be the one groping?
If it wasn’t so brutally hot, when would you be running?
I’m a morning person – I have been experiementing with my schedule and I found that I just can’t seem to exercise at the end of the day (meaning 6, 7, whatever). I lose momentum – I get tired and I have consistently been letting myself down, saying, “Oh, whatever, I’ll just go home …” But if I just roll out of bed and GO – before I even put the coffee on – then there I am, running through the dawn – before I have a chance to talk myself out of it.
I’m up so early that I take a 40 minute run and come home and it’s still only 7:15. It just feels so good to me to be up and productive so early. I know, though – I’m nuts!!!
Oh – and sometimes I don’t go run by Hamilton, although I do prefer it because the view!!! The view on Boulevard East!!! Sometimes I run down the causeway into Hoboken – you know that one at 14th Street? That’s a really good run because it’s all hills.
Well, I hate to butt in but…Did you know that there are forces trying to remove Hamilton from the $10.00 bill? Maybe it’s karma? That poor bas
has bad luck. http://www.hamiltonsociety.org/tendollar.htm
Bytheway kid, I like ya this blog. You write very entertainingly. Thanks. Susan
Susan – My dead boyfriend deserves to be on SOME kinda bill.
Oh – and thanks for the nice words, Susan. :)
Well, I’m not one to spread vicious rumours about the dead or the alive… but I have a hunch NANCY REAGAN is behind the $10.00 bill takeover…After all, it is Ronnie’s mug they want to replace Hammie’s with…So, how does it feel to be in a feud with a woman who is a living X-ray?
I think I need to challenge her to a duel on the cliffs of Weehawken.