I think I watched the first season of The Bachelor, which was practically 20 years ago. Never kept up with it. A couple weeks ago, someone Tweeted a link to Ali Barthwell’s re-caps of The Bachelorette on Vulture, and I read one – having no idea what she was talking about or who any of these people were – and found myself in TEARS of laughter. (She is a funny funny writer.) So I thought, “Lemme check this out.” And here we are today. I’m up to speed on Season 12, and I am totally invested. I have my favorite, and it’s almost like the Super Bowl or the World Series is approaching, and the Red Sox and the Patriots will be competing. Like, maybe not THAT level of investment, but close. There is some other stuff going on in my life that is making this show seem intensely interesting to me – particularly now. I’m looking at it almost sociologically, or anthropologically. And so stuff is being churned up because of where I’m at, and I don’t say stuff like that to be coy, I say it to be honest but also to keep what is “in development” to myself because Boundaries. But that “other stuff” impacts how I watch this three-ring-circus. I don’t have a lot of free time, so when I choose to add something else to the mix – like watching this show – it’s because I want to. So I’ll leave my in-depth psychological response to what is happening on this show – or, the sheer CONCEPT of the show, and what that means to me right now – for another day, for maybe never.

In the meantime, I had a dream about my favorite bachelor. Like, this is the level I’ve reached. I almost never remember my dreams. So clearly I’m so into this damn thing that my subconscious tossed him up in front of my face as I slept. I decided to throw a post up on Facebook about it. 5 seconds after I posted it, people came SWARMING out of the woodworks to converse about the show. It was such a fun thread (and it’s still going on), with no condescending nitwits making comments like, “You do realize the show is edited, right?” No! REALLY??? I HAD NO IDEA THEY EDITED THIS FOOTAGE! WOW!

You would be wrong if you assumed that most people commenting on this thread were women. There were more men than women commenting. Gay men, straight men, the whole nine yards. Friends and family. And one TV writer. And of course myself. A broad spectrum. The person who is one of the most avid watchers below, giving me the low-down on fantasy suites and recommending past seasons, is a straight male. For the most part, I won’t differentiate between voices but you can probably tell where I am in this mix. There are some off-shoot conversations about different aspects. And then one-off comments I am still laughing about.

Thought I would share it all here.

My initial Facebook post

I am suddenly so into The Bachelorette Season 12 that I actually had a dream about one of the guys last night. We were boogie-boarding on Narragansett Beach. It was super fun, thanks so much for asking! Probably should be ashamed to admit – well – any of this, but I’m way past caring about stuff like that. My sister and I text off and on all day after each episode airs, sharing our impressions, and the texts are laugh-out-loud funny. “I feel like Derek is … pretty delusional at this point”, so far is my favorite. But I so rarely dream! And by “so rarely” I mean “never.” Maybe because my heart is a piece of coal? So to have my first dream in years star one of the freakin’ Bachelors on The Bachelorette – is sooooo funny to me. I mean, I want to go boogie-boarding with Alain Delon. Why hasn’t THAT happened? But, happy to report, it was my favorite bachelor in my dream. it wasn’t delusional Derek or terrifying AWESOME Chad (I miss Chad. He was awful but he was also so great.: “I mean, it was like having a bunch of Care Bears come up and confront me …. slightly.”) or dead-eyed shell-of-a-man Robbie or carefully-coiffed totally incoherent country-boy Luke or that weirdo from Vancouver who once tied a girl to a bed and chopped off a lock of her hair. It wasn’t any of those clowns. It was my favorite. I don’t believe in guilty pleasures, by the way. Pleasure is pleasure. Don’t knock any of it. Life is STINGY, man. Soak up pleasure where you can get it and feel no guilt about it. Well, if you get pleasure from doing shitty things to people/animals/the-environment, then yes, feel guilt. But when I find something entertaining or pleasurable, I don’t second-guess it. I love this show and I am finding the dynamic FA-SCI-NA-TING. I haven’t watched any of those Bachelor/Bachelorette shows in years – I’m way off the reality TV train – and now I’m so onboard that my mind has tossed up the image of my favorite bachelor hovering on an imaginary boogie-board. Life is good.

A hodgepodge of comments

“i think luke is innocuous but a total snooze.”

“robbie can kiss my ass. if he says he is the front runner one more time, i might send the fucker anthrax in the mail.”
“i might send fucking anthrax in the mail”
“i laughed as i wrote it. so 2001….”

“i suspect jordan is seeking fame out of the whole thing and if she ends up with him i doubt it will last.”

“i’m afraid she might turn away our favorite. boo on jo jo. it really is fascinating and it’s not all staged like so many people think. sure they edit the shit out of it but there is also a lot of authenticity there. i remember when i worked on the real world when i was at MTV and the cast members all said that there was a specific point where they adapted to the fishbowl situation and stopped thinking about the cameras. they all had some version of this same notion. that they forgot the cameras were there and i believe that. of course they don’t literally forget the cameras are there but they become desensitized to them and go about their lives as they otherwise would. it’s such a weird phenomenon. i’m sure many psych phd candidates have written their thesis about this. is it a book yet? if not, it needs to be and i would read it.” (These are all from my friend Allison. I have told her before that I think she needs to write a book about working on “The Real World”.)

“I thought she should have kept James around too. Robbie instead of James??”
“james was a peach!”

“I was also gunning for the hot boxing club owner. who barely got a chance. But jumped into the pool with his suit on and seemed like a good guy.”

“poor james. he probably would have been really good for her. but our favorite also seems very promising.”
“I feel like she and my favorite are actually ready right now to turn the cameras off and get started. Like, it feels super real and intense and all the rest. My fear is that that poor wounded-bird-HOT-MAN is going to get his heart fucking CRUSHED by this”

“I liked wells…he was my favorite but he probably weighed 92 pounds. i liked his attitude though….always trying to be the peace keeper. he seemed sweet but very unready for all this.”
“I loved his speech at the “funeral” for Chad.”
“I don’t remember his speech….but he stood out to me from the beginning and now i stalk him on instagram. he is a radio dj somewhere in tennessee and he partners with a local pet rescue organization, posting regular pictures with him and dogs looking for homes. so you know i’m a gonner on that.”
“Oh so he is just as awesome as he seems.”
“he grew up in california, i think. he’s doing that broadcaster thing where they slowly work themselves up to the biggest markets. just loved him though. i wish he could be the next bachelor. what was his speech at chad’s funeral?”
“He was holding up Chad’s protein powder – and he made a speech that incorporated a couple of Shakespearean phrases – all as James played a guitar in the background. It was so stupid and so funny.”
“hahaha! i don’t know how i missed that…..but the protein powder and shakespeare AND james taylor (!!) playing guitar?? that is so funny. is there irony in there somewhere? i feel like there is. i just googled this to no avail: ‘wells’ speech protein powder chad’s funeral the bachelorette jo jo'”
“i am DYING”
“i am laughing, too. i am cackling. as though you were in the room with me.”
“I think ‘jo jo’ tacked on at the end is what put it over the edge for me”

“there are people who will try to make you feel shallow for being interested in this shit. fuck them. i can NOT look away and i totally agree with the guilty pleasure thing. fuck that. i enjoy it so deal with it. and by the way in the past 5 years, so many of the couples have gotten married….it’s happening more often now than not so who says people can’t find love on a reality show. bah humbug. you must watch bachelor in paradise, which starts right after the bachelorette ends. it is a different kind of entertainment but riveting. i invited the couple (jade and tanner) who got married last season to present at hero dog awards last year and they were exactly the same people in person that they were on tv….no difference at all. that says a lot.”
“also, I’m actually learning a lot but I don’t want to talk about it in this forum. when next I see you. and we can look up Wells’ speech together. I actually feel like I AM Chase. That’s what the dream was really about and that’s why he showed up. but that’s getting too deep for this conversation.”
“let’s definitely break it down when we get together.” (Also Allison, who now works for the Hallmark Channel, hence the reference to “Hero Dog Awards.”)

“I think if you had to go boogie boarding with Chad that would be a nightmare, not a good dream!”

“I mean, for ME the choice is SO. CLEAR. But I’m feeling like Luke might be the one she picked? But my prediction is she’d be bored out of her mind with him within 7 months. WHAT would they talk about?”

“I have to say , though, that with the hometown dates, I did find my two least faves (robbie and luke) a little bit more endearing. I loved Robbie’s family!”

“I still love Jordan. I think he is a little love bug. I love his funky hair and his skinny jeans!”

“I really need to know WHY Aaron Rodgers doesn’t talk to his family.”
“Well…. If you must know, it’s because his girlfriend, Olivia Munn, spoke opening about their sex life on some late night tv show… That didn’t sit well with momma Rodgers…. So Aaron chose her over the family….. Or so say those of extreme importance over at E! News and ESPN….”
“this seems like a very small thing to just shut the whole family off over! i feel like there must be more. somebody needs to break this story WIDE OPEN!”

“I’m not going to even start with how invested I was in last night’s Coupled, a HORRIBLE Bachelor/Bachelorette rip-off on FOX that we’ve been watching this year. But if Alex doesn’t find happiness, I’m going to be very upset. In all honesty, I spoil Bachelor/Bachelorette for myself (but don’t tell Lauren), so I can then appreciate it as a glorious example of reality TV editing, seeing how they shape the narrative of the final four early on and how they edit in a way that points to the winner from the very beginning. It’s kind of fascinating.”
“It really is fascinating – the editing, especially. I’m now so into my one guy in the final four – that I went back to watch some of the earlier episodes – and I was actually seeing a lot of stuff going on between them in the background and in the periphery of group scenes – and like a delusional person, it gave me hope that she’ll choose the RIGHT guy, which is HIM. Like: foreshadowing in Week 1??”
“You can see the Final Four getting more screen time and narrative from the VERY first episode.”
“Yup. It’s the background stuff that fascinates me. Chase and Jo Jo went on that hot yoga date early on, right? Awkward, embarrassing, hot kissing, etc. A whole episode later – where Chase barely plays a part – they’re having a pool party. Everyone’s just hanging out and all the guys are there so there’s a lot of stuff going on in the background. The wonderfully entertaining Chad was bitching about how awful the rest of the guys are – and in the background – not even a “scene” – juts something happening over on the side – Chase and Jo Jo were trying one of their yoga poses and Chad points over at them making fun of them. It took me a couple of viewings to catch it. I was like, ‘Oh my God, they’re practicing what they learned two days ago.’ I love continuity like that – especially when it isn’t made a big deal of.”
“I’m also fascinated by the clearly ‘written’ or at least amplified storylines they give the final four – the one with the ex, the one with the brother problem, the one who can’t say I love you, etc. – and then how they return to them throughout the season, making them characters about whom you feel like you know when you really know almost nothing, but the repetition creates the impression of familiarity.”
“Right, and so it’s a relationship in microcosm. Stuff comes up – you have to deal with it. Some of those plot-points feel manipulated to me and others feel organic – some guys just are more shy than others, some guys are more emotional, or distant, or whatever. And there’s some behavior that cannot be faked. It’s why Robbie comes off as false to me, and Chase does not. in re: subplots, etc: this week’s ‘cliffhanger’ was whether or not Luke would say I love you. and Chase had the same issue, right? But Chase all along has been a guy who is VISIBLY uncomfortable talking about his feelings whereas Luke is verbose (yes, he only has about 50 words in his vocabulary, but still.) Luke is like, ‘You have all of my heart.’ ‘I see the future with you in it.’ He’s been saying that from day one, all as Chase seems actually full of real emotion but is unable to say it because he is afraid. Like I say, some behavior cannot be faked. So the whole ‘cliffhanger’ of Luke not saying the magic words ‘I have fallen in love with you’ and that’s why he’s on the chopping block … I didn’t buy it – I get it, they need to SOMEHOW knock Luke back a peg! They need to give Luke SOME problems so people stay at least interested in him. I’m bored out of my mind by him at this point.”(This is a conversation with Brian Tallerico, managing editor of Rogerebert.com.)

“I really have no idea how it’s going to go.”

“To me, he seems like the real-lest guy. In that he has all these problems expressing himself – and it feels HONEST – whereas Robbie is like “The stars twinkle like your eyes, my darling, and my heart is filled with fairy-tale love, Jo Jo My Darling” and I’m like, are you for REAL, Mr. Man with the dead eyes?”

“Robbie is a creepy, over-manicured Ken Doll Man.”

“(I just want to poke my head in here and say you guys are cracking me up. Carry on with your conversation but it’s kind of making my night right now, and I’ve not seen one episode)”

“On a very shallow note, I just don’t find him attractive. He is too coiffed.”

“And I don’t enjoy the profile of his nose. There. I said it.”

“I think JoJo is right to be nervous about a guy that ended a four year relationship 3 months before!”

“Oh, Hope will definitely rise again.”
“i hear this in a voice over voice.”
“accompanied by crack of thunder”
“i mean, the way this show works–i wouldn’t be surprised if they gave her a plane ticket, and a map to the house so that she could supposedly “show up unexpectedly” in one of the final episodes. i’d love every second of it”
“I NEED to see Hope.”
“the double entendres with her name are worth it for the appearance alone! “Hope is gone.” “I didn’t ever think I’d see Hope again.” “Hope is the worst.””
“and it’s my cat’s name so it makes me feel really weird to say it. When my cat was lost for 3 days, I wandered around the neighborhood shouting “HOPE! HOPE! HOPE!” – which is so hilarious in retrospect. Like I was “hope”-less and trying to rectify it.”

“I think Luke is nice, and I think he’s on the level, unlike Robbie, and I appreciate how he served his country and us – AND when his Dad choked up, I thought my head would explode – but … besides hot/steamy/hands-on-thighs chemistry …. what is there between them? Does he have ANY words in his vocabulary other than, ‘You have all of my heart’??”

“I’ve thought from the beginning that it was Jordan. And I didn’t love this. I don’t *hate* Jordan. But there’s something fishy about him.”

“I think Jordan would be a good friends-with-benefits guy. Not necessarily what she wants though. I am currently so invested in Chase finding happiness that it’s taking up 80% of my brain space.”

“now i’m thinking of the sad P.A whose job it is to make a big heart road in a field.”
“In scorching Texas heat.”
“He’s like, “I got a BFA in theatre for this shit?!””

“i think she’ll still send Luke home. it’s a classic Bach moment to have him finally say he loves her and then send him home in the next moment. it’s like….. too little, too late pal! and i think she picks Jordan in the end and i think it doesn’t last. she probably should pick Chase. but i think she feels this sexy connection with Jordan. and even though everything is telling her there’s something wrong, she can’t resist her urge to discount doublecheck his brains out!”

“what the hell with keeping Robbie on. Is it just good television? I don’t feel the vibe and I think she seems a little … I don’t know – it’s AWKWARD between them. He says all these flowery words – unconnected to anything – and she just sits there. Robbie is definitely gonna bite it, big time. Chase, though, honestly, seems just like a regular guy – who has flaws, knows them, and is trying to be better because he wants it to work out. In other words: RECOGNIZABLE HUMAN BEHAVIOR. I don’t get the Robbie thing!”

“then again, if she is smart. she will fantasy suite every single dude she wants to sleep with, get it out of her system. and then go with the guy that will be the best in the long run!”
“well, who they all are in bed – what they’re like – would be incredibly revealing but I’m not familiar with the show – do they ever discuss “well, he was wonderful in bed” or “that didn’t go well” – probably not, right? I think Robbie is awful in bed, Jordan is fun, Luke is a sensuous snooze, and Chase is a tiger.”
“when it is down to just two choices left (i.e. if say, she chooses chase and jordan and they are the last two left standing)–they each have an night with her in the “fantasy suite”. No cameras allowed. So we just hear about it in euphemisms afterwards.”
“I literally cannot wait for this. I need to get a life. Euphemism! Is it always complimentary euphemisms? Or is there ever anything said like, “I don’t know if we clicked” etc.”
“actually sometimes they fantasy suite THREE! which is amazing. but they don’t often ask all three to the fantasy suite.”
“the bachelor or bachelorette will snub someone and not give them the card?”
“in recent seasons, some great things have happened in the fantasy suite. most often, someone having sex with someone then dogging them. like with andie and juan pablo.”
“CLEARLY according to the preview SOMEONE is going to be totally unmasked. and we only saw his shoulder. He was very tall. Jordan’s tall, right? Chase seems tall and Luke does not – but I just couldn’t tell from the glimpse of shoulder I saw – I’m guessing Robbie or Jordan. what the hell would Chase have to hide? He literally bursts into tears when he sees his mother.”
“when i first started, i think it was with Emily the mom. she didn’t even use the fantasy suites because she didn’t want to send the wrong message. but then i heard later through some people close to the show that she still slept with peeps just not then so she could still appear mom like. but more recently, girls and guys alike they go for it! which i think is natural and why not?”
“I totally would are you kidding me?”
“what’s fun is…. they used to just use these euphemisms. and say like they wanted to spend more time and “talk”. which you knew just meant let’s screw. but then in the season with ben and claire, she basically said on camera that they had sex in the ocean and then he kind of slut shamed her afterwards. so the recent trend is to kiss and tell. which makes for glorious trashy reality tv!”
“I definitely hope there will be kissing and telling.”
“i think the most dastardly but reality pitch perfect move was last season where the dude said he loved both girls TO THEIR FACE(which is almost verboten, most bach’s don’t say how they feel to preserve suspense) so after that, you knew he could with a straight face ask both girls to the fantasy suite.”
“none of these guys seem like kiss and tell types. Chad definitely would have kissed and told.”
“if Chad has a chance to go back to the “buffet” more than once, you know he will!”
“yes. I loved Andi for that reason. She was so blunt. “you didn’t ask one question about me. You have no idea where I’m from, what religion I am or what I like.” She handed him his ass on a platter”

“If I were to watch another season of Bachelorette, which one should I pick?”
“I mean, near and dear to me are the Ben season(so many Bens) but the one of Ben and Courtney. That was the first season I watched. Courtney is such a great villain. And then I think Juan Pablo season. Just for pure silliness. There are other seasons that perhaps are better for more romance. But those two really did it for me for stupid reality trashiness! Plus in JP’s season you get to meet Tierra. Who is an amazing reality character. Bache seasons are good too. But I enjoy the crazy women more than the crazy men.”
“In my humble opinion – the power dynamic is better when the woman chooses the man – as opposed to a man choosing from his harem – but granted I haven’t seen much. It must be so DIFFERENT with 25 girls in the house!! – although this season the guys were acting like they were in high school too, gossiping about Chad, forming cliques, etc. I do like the villains – I find them very entertaining”
“well, you’ll have to try both and see! my deal is—i think the men tend to blend into each other a lot. they just don’t stand out. the women tend to. and they find a way to have problems with each other. this is a good season for the men having problems with each other. most seasons, they don’t. like there’s one villain but then… that’s it. i like the conflict. except for the “all the right reasons” crap. i mean, NO ONE is there for the right reasons. because, there is no right reason to be there. it’s a stupid idea, to find love on a game show. but it’s fun to watch!”
“Courtney was and probably remains to be a terrible human being. But fascinating for television! I also loved the last bachelor. That might have been my fave Ben is adorable and so funny and you get why every girl would want to date him. And leaving Olivia on an island was the funniest, most karmic thing”

“As ususally, I am utterly on your train … even in regard to missing Chad. I miss Wells!”
“Chad was the best. ‘I think Chad is just here for the free food.’ Cut to Chad eating with turkey falling out of his mouth. And I think Evan actually had that coming. The stand-up about steroid use was over the line. I mean, whatever, he ripped your shirt, but stop acting like it was an Armani shirt. It was a T-shirt. Move the fuck on.”
“I love when they go off the standard script – Chad had that in spades. I recall an especially great Bachelorette season when many of the bachelors just started leaving the show because they didn’t like her. It was like three in one episode. Brilliant.”

“For some reason I loved when Chad went on his meat eating binge.”
“So so so funny.”
“We all crave a caveman now and then.”
“During the rose ceremony!! He still was eating during the rose ceremony!”
“And it was fucking lunch meat! Slices of smoked ham from Stop & Shop. Probably Ralph’s since we’re in LA”
“he literally is a meathead.”
“Whistling as he walked through the woods after he was sent home. member when Evan got the first bloody nose of many when diving into the pool – and later Chad was pointing out all his competition, saying contemptuously that none of them were as good as him. Shot of Evan, Chad saying: ‘We have a weeping bleeding man over here …’ I mean, the guy could be funny.”
“To repeat – I miss Chad.”

“I can confirm for the record that your heart is not a lump of coal. It is the absolute opposite. It is the hope diamond. It is a bolt of lightning on a deserted beach. It is cracking brain waves and shimmering talent. I know this. I saw the x-ray.”
“I want to print this comment out.”

“and what about Alex in his gaucho outfit?”
“He was a clueless man. To the tune of ‘fat guy in a little coat’: short guy in a pair of gauchos / short guy In a pair of gauchossss”
“When she said, ‘You are such a cute little gaucho’ I knew Alex was toast.”

“People, if I weren’t afraid of seeming like a creep, I would like every comment of this conversation. You are awesome.”

“thank you for that image of Alain Delon boogie boarding”
“I need him to do this. You KNOW he could pull it off!! With cigarette dangling.”
“and fedora”
“pistol tucked in his swim shorts.”

“I know nothing about any of this show, nor 99% of anyone on this thread, yet now feel compelled to invite every single one of you to come sit on my deck and have a season finale party.”

“Luke looks like Billy Crudup. It didn’t occur to me till now.”
“With very tall hair. I continue to believe that Jo Jo would be bored out of her mind with him in 6 months flat. He seems very nice, though. Pretty genuine. Unlike Robbie who seems empty as a man. Don’t believe a word he says to her!”

“Don’t hate me for weighing in without reading this entire thread, but that Robbie just creeps, man. He reminds me of Will Forte and I have an inexplicable red ass for Will Forte. Chase is my favorite at this point but it took me a while to distinguish him looks-wise from Jordan, who, duh, is just a playah. All the guys this season seem like they came from the same Ken doll factory. And Luke with your last-minute, hope it saves my ass declaration of love! I spit on your high stupid hair!”
“Chase was the one in my dream! Not only is he my favorite – but I’m having a rather profound response to him that has nothing to do with attraction and I actually have been trying to write about it because it’s so bizarre and tapping into something rather deep. I think it’s that I see myself in him – which … how? why? I just did a mini re-watch of some of the one on one dates and Robbie … I don’t get what she sees in him. It seems to be that Jo Jo, like a lot of women, believes in the power of words. If he SAYS the right thing, if he SAYS what I want to hear, then that means it MUST be in his heart. She’s young. She’ll get over THAT hopefully. I like Jordan – especially in his interviews – where he comes off honest – and I also like him in group settings where the focus isn’t on him. He seems smart and funny. But not ready for marriage at ALL. Luke? He’s another one where he seems much more funny and smart when he’s hanging out with the other guys than when he’s with Jo Jo. This is clearly a matter of editing – but still – I don’t get playful or funny at ALL from Luke. So who knows. Something BIG is coming. Some huge teary-eyed betrayal in Thailand and I can’t wait!! For me, Chase is the only clear choice.”