Thoroughly Modern Molly

The Guardian asked readers to send in their own versions of Molly Bloom’s run-on monologue that ends Ulysses – and here they are.

These strike me as supremely funny.

Yes because he never did a thing like that before to borrow my basque separatist I mean he seems alright now but a bit knackered and not as randy as he used to be either hes been snogging someone in Lillies Bordello or Sinergy or hes losing it I mean doing that newspaper stuff getting on to forty balding and all but if hes been with that Stephen little pain in the scrotum with his gorgonzola airs

The “basque separatist”. Love it. And the “gorgonzola airs” – doesn’t Leopold Bloom have a gorgonzola sandwich at some point during the day?

But my favorite one of all is the one where, through her rambling, Molly ends up getting pissed enough at mankind – to start to say “no” over and over in a refrain, as opposed to saying “Yes” the way she does in the book.

The ending of the actual book goes like this:

and the night we missed the boat at Algeciras the watchman going about serene with his lamp and O that awful deepdown torrent O and the sea the sea crimson sometimes like fire and the glorious sunsets and the figtrees in the Alameda gardens yes and all the queer little streets and pink and blue and yellow houses and the rosegardens and the jessamine and geraniums and cactuses and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the mountain yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes.

If you read it out loud – you start to realize what is actually going on, what she is doing. It’s impossible to read it out loud and not get the connotation.

But here’s the “No” version:

so when comes again for me he can use his favourite self inflicted right hand girlfriend again as he has used today and he can watch the football and the like and the next time he comes at me and looks at me with those eyes he will see in my eyes no and he will ask me again and i will say no i will say no he will not have my mountain flower and no i will not put my arms around him again and i wont draw him down to me again and he will never feel my breasts again and he will never smell my perfume again and i dont care how much he gets excited and pants or how mad he goes i will say no and will say no i will No.

I love that. I love the image of the person who sent that one in coming up with the idea, and then sitting down at their desk to type it out, and send it into the Guardian. There’s hope for the human race.

A commitment to comedy is a hopeful thing, yes.