For those of you who missed the Freebies post (190 comments and counting!!) – I will just say that it began with a discussion of “freebies” and ended in a diatribe against Jewel.
That is why I am posting her poetry.
Because I hate Jewel so much. I gleefully hate Jewel.
NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Too late. What’s done is done.
Once again, blame Emily. She provided the link. Like the plushie link, and so many others.
dammit!
I had always tried to withold judgement on Jewel. I mean, the girl does have an extraordinary vocal instrument. But, of course, I had avoided reading any of her poetry until now.
You’re just full of Christmas cheer, aren’t ya red?
;-)
“Because I hate Jewel so much. I gleefully hate Jewel.”
But do you hate her more than you hate Renee Zellweger?
Okay, I wrote and deleted this 3 times today:
Night out with my wife’s sister and husband, regular babysitter with the kids (theirs, we weren’t blessed yet). Coming back into the house I heard this “deep” yet horrible poetry coming from the stereo system…
“What the heck is that?”, I asked the incredibily hot babysitter (I mean levels of “hotness” over Jewel, not that that has anything to do with the story, but, I mean the girl was hot!)… She responded that it was Jewel… I said: “Well, Jewel may be an okay singer, but her poetry sucks!”… Suddenly, the face she made made her not so hot.
Note to any father’s out there: It’s okay to note the beauty of any babysitter or daughter’s friend. If you every THINK about “hooking up” with them:
1) Go to your tool box/tool shed.
2) Pick out the heaviest object.
3) Drop on your head.
4) Repeat until the feeling goes away or make sure you never see the girl again.
My eyes bleed to read Jewel’s poetry.
I’m going to bed now. Promise me that by tomorrow you’ll have stopped posting it.
Just re-read my post… not funny at all. Guess I’m pissed off with several Hollywood stories and two in my own acquaintance circle that this actually happened.
I’m still contemplating the situation where I’m married, and Drew Barrymore appears, saying “do me now”, and I say “hmmmm – let’s see if you’re on the pre-approved list”…
I haven’t made it to the point of contemplating Jewel’s poetry. Besides, she needs another name or two.
Sheila:
I. Love. You.
There once was a girl named Jewel.
Red posted her “poetry”, it was cruel.
The horror was plain,
No need to explain,
When Emily and Alex smack her they’ll rule.
CW –
I believe fully in approving your spouse’s freebie. Who the hell am I to put the ball-and-chain on when Sela Ward comes to call? That can only breed resentment.
Heh heh Besides, I expect the same kind of approval when Ewan McGregor shows up at the door.
Shoot, I’d fly Jennifer Aniston in to be my husband’s freebie, because if I ever saw Clive Owen on the street? I’d be on him like white on rice, wedding ring be damned.
Dave E.
Brilliant!!
Dave J –
Oh yeah. My hatred of Renee is mild compared to the rage Jewel brings up in me.
Actually, funny story about husband and wife freebie discussion – this involves a married couple – dear friends of mine:
During the 2004 playoffs, Jason Varitek became such an enormous fantasy for the wife in the couple, that the husband had to just throw up his hands and accept it. “My wife is now in love with Jason Varitek. It is like a tidal wave and there is nothing I can do about it.” I would get funny plaintive emails from him. (And don’t get me wrong, he loves Tek too!) “If I have to hear the words ‘Jason Varitek’ one more time, I’m gonna blow a gasket.” Of course, the wife had put up with his various celeb obsessions forever. It all balanced out in the end.
Don’t blame me — somebody else asked to post her poetry. I merely politely obliged.
And then Sheila made posts about them.
But I have to admit, MikeR is right — she is a good singer and the best chick yodeler I’ve ever heard (but then again, she is the *only* chick yodeler I have ever heard). She’s just incredibly annoying as a person.
Emily, someone will be held accountable.
How hard would it be to make an internet Jewel poetry generator?
Pete – okay. We’ll blame you, patsy.
Let me make a minor clarification – I do think the girl has an awesome voice but she’s had some major misses as a musician, in addition to her poetic malfeasance. That last album where she tried to do a Britney Spears imitation was truly dreadful.
Awesome voice?
I’m sorry. I just don’t hear it. It seems kind of vapid and safe to me.
But then again, can you tell I’m biased?
Kind of like with Lars von FUCKING Trier.
I can be pretty dumb at times, but I am smart enough to not to argue this particular point. ;-)
Proves once again I’m too stupid for poetry. I honestly can’t see much difference between her stuff and almost all other poetry I’ve read other than hers is a bit more self-absorbed.