To Be a Fan

I am a grown woman, I have had my share of heartache, stress, I take responsibility for my own life, I am an adult, but all of this does not stop me from behaving, at times, like a shrieking Beatle-maniac fainting and weeping at the Ed Sullivan Show.

What I mean is: if I am “into” somebody (musicians, actors, whatever) I am the best “fan” in the world. Truly. My loyalty knows no bounds. If you hook me once, then I am usually hooked forever, even if you never repeat the brilliance which hooked me in the first place.

Margaret Atwood is a prime example. Her books in the 1980s were IT for me. I read them compulsively, over and over and over again. Bodily Harm, in particular. Her books scared me, thrilled me, compelled me. Well…I am sorry, but Ms. Atwood has crashed off the rails and has not written a book which has kept my interest in almost 10 years. In longer than 10 years. Alias Grace was a BIG FAT YAWN. And The Assassin’s Tale was essentially unreadable. It seems like something has actually happened to her talent itself. Her writing doesn’t resonate. Perhaps it is that she is imitating herself, she is imitating what she did when she was more successful. The Assassin’s Tale was terrible – the prose itself was terrible. I couldn’t finish it.

But my point is: because she was once my favorite author, and I loved the experience of reading her earlier books, I continue to hold out hope. I continue to buy her crappy boring books, hoping that I will again recognize the terrifying fabulous voice of the Margaret Atwood I fell in love with in college.

The same is true in regards to Tori Amos. Oh, Tori, Tori…what has happened? Why do you bore me so?? Who, EXACTLY, do you think your audience is? What person would listen to your latest CDs and think the music was cool and fun? It would have to be a person who didn’t get out much. Or someone constantly PMS-ing. Tori’s first album Little Earthquakes was basically in my walkman for an entire year. I could not get enough, and my taste for her music raged on unabated like a fever. But since then, with brief moments of brilliance shining through the dreck (like the song “Waitress” on Under the Pink, and a couple of others), it seems like Tori has continuously been having some sort of New Age priestess breakdown, interspersed with Medean rage…which is all very interesting, but what I care about is that the music keeps SUCKING.

I want the rocking emotional Tori of days gone by. I want her to make the hair on my neck rise up again. ENOUGH with being creative and precious and innovative. Just do what you did back then, please.

But listen to my commitment to her!! I am not a fair-weather fan. I buy all of her CDs, hoping … hoping … that something will happen … that I will hear HER again … And that’s only because of the impact that first album had on me.

Because of that, she’s got me forever.

Dammit!