But not a dollar short, because this is not a money-making venture for me.
Just realized that yesterday was my 3rd year anniversary of beginning the blog. I started blogging on October 18, 2002. Here was my first post. I never transported over the stuff from Blog-spot – just didn’t care to – but it’s all still there.
I gave the blog the URL atswimtwobirds – for obvious and not so obvious reasons. I named it after the great psycedelic nutso Irish Catcher in the Rye novel of the same name, by Flann O’Brien – man of many aliases. It also has deep personal resonance for me, because of my father, and my childhood, and yadda yadda. But then I called the blog Sheila A-Stray’s Redheaded Ramblings – an unwieldy title which, again, made sense only to me – or only to someone who is familiar with Irish legends, Irish history, and Seamus Heaney’s wonderful epic poem Sweeney Astray. There was much confusion about it … some people referred to my blog as “Sheila Ashtray”, which was unfortunate, but inevitable. I set up the blog for myself – I didn’t think about having readers, really – or making the thing comprehensible to anyone but my inner circle. Even they may have been confused by the confluence of at swim-two-birds and redheaded ramblings and A-stray … So be it! That was my beginning.
Here is the post I wrote on my first anniversary of blogging – I have updated it a bit – but I thought it might be interesting to read, for those of who are new to me, and who … oh, I don’ t know … might care. For those who feel that theirs IS to reason why … this post explains it.
Blogging has provided me with an outlet. A space to SHOUT. A space to blab. Whatever. I used to keep intensely detailed journals, which is all well and good. I still journal – but that is an inward pursuit. Journaling is about communicating with my own unconscious, not trying to communicate with anybody else. Blogging has helped me so much, in terms of formulating how I think about things – things I need to learn – issues I need to delve in more. Also – challenging myself to articulate my thoughts, my vague convictions about things, into words. Cold clear words. Awesome practice.
It also has kept me writing. I write every day. In a public way.
Writing every day in a journal is also great – but to write for an audience (even if it’s only 30 people) is a different muscle altogether.
I have had a pretty bad last couple of years. From about 1999 on. I won’t go into why. But it’s not been a good time for me, and I’ve had a very hard time going on with life, at times. There was a good stretch in 2002 when I was beyond language. That had never happened to me before, and anyone who’s ever been seriously depressed will know the state of which I speak. I couldn’t write in my journal, I couldn’t write emails to friends … I just had no words for how sad I was, how disappointed I was in things. I lay on my couch for 5 months. I watched movies. I couldn’t speak of my sadness, my anger. I was immobilized. Petrified. Meaning: petrifaction. Stone.
And then, one morning in October, 2002 – I suddenly DID what I had been musing about for over a year, since September 11, when I discovered Andrew Sullivan, Little Green Footballs, James Lileks, Asparagirl, A Small Victory, and a host of others – I sat down, got an account with Blog-spot, and created a Blog in the space of one morning.
I don’t know why suddenly, on October 18, I decided to get into action. It was not on any To Do List. It was just a vague wish, a vague “I’d like to have one of those” … And it took me 3 hours (maybe less) to make it into a reality.
In June of 2003, I got off of Blog-spot. And I started having comments – which completely changed my experience of blogging. And it has just accelerated, as the years have gone by. Having comments is really THE thing that has put Blogging (for me, anyway) into this new level. Every day is a conversation … that I initiate, yes, from the topics I choose – but every day, people show up to basically shoot the shit, chat, give their views, whatever. It is unbelievable. It has made the world seem smaller and much much warmer.
I decided to stop blogging about politics (much to the continued chagrin of DBW and only DBW – hahahaha – love that guy!) – because I wanted this place to be fun, and relaxing, and not just bipartisan – but universal. If that sounds grandiose, then … well, it is grandiose. I got sick of the bullshit and the arguing – and I wasn’t even interested in the arguments anymore. I decided to stop – unless I am REALLY compelled. And right around that same time, this Humphrey Bogart obsession happened. Kicked into gear. That was the first time when I let who I REALLY am onto my blog. This is no lie – there was a huge shift in my energy when I allowed that obsession to blossom ON THE BLOG – and not in my offline journal. It was vulnerable – for me – to let you all in on that – on just HOW obsessed I was – but amazingly (or not so amazingly) – all I found was validation from you all. Everyone participated openly in that ongoing obsession. You fanned the flames of it. It was so joyous! For once, my celebrity “crush” wasn’t this shameful secret (ahem – Ralph Macchio) – it was something I could share and celebrate. And not only that, but I found this entire world of Bogie fans out there – people who recommended films to me – who sent films to me (Bill McCabe provided me with a tape of Caine Mutiny, for example) – and to me, the Bogie thing, and the response to it, was a sign: that was where I needed to go now, in terms of this blog. It may seem silly to put so much thought into this – but look. I only have so many hours in the day. I spend time on my blog. I want it to be time I WANT to spend on my blog, writing about what I want to write about, and having a good time doing it.
Once I started to get more readers – who kept coming back, expecting me to be in a state of outrage at every moment – – I started feeling a subtle pressure to … provide what “they” wanted. It’s silly – but it happens to all of us. And that’s just not me. It’s just not me. That “outrage” is real – but it’s not all I am. And it’s not necessarily where I want to spend the majority of my time. I know it’s not an accident that one of the only times I really took off the reins and went OFF on something the Wall Street Journal took notice, and shock-jocks across the country took notice – of course. Being THAT pissed off gets people’s attention. And it was FUN, man, I’ll tell ya … those were a FUN couple of days.
But not as fun as I had when I was ranting and raving about every Humphrey Bogart movie I had seen, and how much I loved him … I found that writing, with that much depth, about acting – and actors – was how I really wanted to spend my time. I turned this blog into a space of acknowledgement – a place where I could pay tribute to all the actors (and artists and writers) who have made a difference in my life. Fun!!!
I’ve had my struggles. I had a stalker. I had some jagoff email me during one of my Bloomsday extravaganzas: “How can you post on something so trivial while this whole Abu Gharib thing is happening?” I’ve had people email me stupidly with pleas why I haven’t weighed in on John Kerry. Uhm … cause I don’t feel like weighing in on John Kerry? If you would like to PAY me for an op-ed on John Kerry, then by all means send me a proposal … but other than that? Shut the fuck up! I had one guy blow a gasket because I said I was going to see Kinsey. It was almost like he felt BETRAYED. Like: he assumed I was one way, and my enthusiasm for Kinsey (Lisa – I’m sure you remember this post since you were involved in all your Liam Neeson fan girliness!) made him think I was another. How insane to assume you know someone when you read 3 things that they choose to write on a daily basis, and make assumptions based on those 3 small posts. I was so rude to him in response that he has never returned. Yee-haw. There are wack-jobs on the planet. And many of them frequent my blog. I try to chase them away by being as RUDE as possible to them as SOON as they reveal themselves to be wack-jobs. I have had people get unrequited crushes on me and care too much about what I think about them. I have hesitated before posting really personal stuff, because … I’m afraid of being made fun of by certain readers who seem to have had a problem with SEGUING from mood to mood. I’m moody. You have to be able to segue here on this blog. I find an inability to segue to be unforgivable. It’s one of my quirks. You know. The usual. This is something that happens to anyone who blogs with an audience.
That was my circuitous journey here – to this spot – but it’s ongoing. This is a work in progress. I just keep learning about myself – through this blogging thingamajiggie, and I am very grateful for it.
Not to get too melodramatic here – I will try to use as plain language as possible –
The word-less 5 month stretch of 2002, when I could no longer communicate, even with myself – feels like it could never happen again. Not while I have this outlet. The muscle, the communicative muscle, has been FLEXED. And it feels like it is in for me for good. In this way, blogging has done wonders for my mood, my quality of life. My mental health. I am not alone. I don’t believe that I could ever feel as isolated as I felt in 2002 again. (Knock wood, man. Knock wood.)
But that’s not the only reason it has changed my life. For me, it may be the most important reason – but it’s not the sole reason.
I also have discovered this enormous NOISY community – a community that I LOVE – a community that I cherish being a part of. I have made true friends through blogging. Some I have met – some I have not yet met – but they’re friends – all of them.
And finding this whole world of voices in the direct wake of Sept. 11 – chattering, babbling, arguing – was like opening up a genie’s bottle. Woah. Who knew you all were out there?
It was good to join my voice to the Babel. Good to be there. To be a part of it.
The events of September 11 deeply impacted me, mobilized me, enraged me – as they did most of us. Being able to write it all out, and get into discussions with people – (as opposed to sitting weeping in a coffee shop writing in my journal – see the difference?) is awesome.
Keeping a blog is not all about my own self-improvement – but that is what I am present to at the moment.
Thanks to everybody – all my faithful readers. I love when you comment, I love when you get into discussions – I love that you come here, and thank you! All of you! I can’t even list you all – because I would, inevitably, leave somebody off. But just know that I appreciate each and every one of you – whenever you show up.
And thank you as well to all of the people I read. A daily dose of your words enriches my life and expands my brain.
This is a long-winded way of saying Happy Birthday To Me.
Happy, Happy. Thanks for the three years.
Oh, and FWIW, I started to take notice of blogs just after September 11, too.
I’m probably one of those annoying bloggers that you resent, because you never know when I’ll bring up Kevin Spacey. But I think I’d speak for anyone who has given all your varied efforts more than a cursory glance to say; you offer a whole lot more than you take, the way you put up your vulnerabilty is the brave act of an artist that many of us, probably quite quietly, respect and admire. What I mean to say, is when Judd Nelson grabs Molly Ringwald’s diamond earing and holds it up in the air — that’s you: you are the moment, you rock!
Happy birthday to you, Sheila! One of my absolute favorites!!
A Very Happy [if belated] Birthday to You, Sheila!
I realised the other day [mid-post, in fact] that I’ve been Slugging for over a year now.. a very strange realisation.. and it is good, for many and varied reasons, to be [a small] part of the Babel.
“To be continued.” Indeed.
Happy anniversary! You are truly amazing.
“you never know when I’ll bring up kevin spacey”
I just guffawed at my desk reading that … hahahahaha
Thanks, all! I appreciate every single one of you!
Happy 3rd Birthday Sheila!
you are the wind beneath my keyboard.
couldn’t resist. :)
Thanks for all the writing!!!
Of course, having written that, I suddenly feel worried that it will come across wrong, and being the hideously paranoid obsessive that I am, and valuing your friendship as I do, and worrying about what the rest of the world thinks about me, as I do, I just want to make it absolutely clear that I was JUST KIDDING about you being the wind beneath my keyboard. For one thing, there is no wind at all under there. Second, I think if you were wind at all you would be a hurricane, and my keyboard would be long gone.
So, mostly what I meant was, I’m thankful you started your blog, because it eventually lead to me starting mine, and you constantly make me want to write more, to write better, because you say so much so well.
So, again, thank you for all the writing.
(with love, a benign stalker…haha.)
Jayne – hahahahaha
I was very happy when you started blogging! You know I’ve been a big fan of your writing since the old “needles in the teeth” days at SK.
Partly because of your “Happy Birthday to Stephen King” post the other day, I just started reading “Cujo.” It was one I hadn’t read, and since that’s Julia’s nickname now, I figured I should see what I was in for…and you know, maybe I need to revisit those “needles in the teeth” pieces…dust them off, update them a bit…add more tension…thanks for the reminder! bwa ha ha ha….
Jayne – I still have somewhere that piece you wrote about the girl who set fire to her school. And it was, of course, typed on a manual typewriter – and you used that crinkly onion paper – that I just love. I have it in a folder somewhere – I was just FASCINATED by that story.
And how it ended – with one word:
“Click”
Sheila,
I so enjoy your blog: the awesome range of topics, the great conversations that take place, the great writing. It’s such a treat to come here and see what’s on the table at any given time. Love the obsessions, the excerpts from your library, your observations and insights, all of it. Plus, you led me to Go Fug Yourself. Bless you.
Your post has me thinking again (for the millionth time) about starting a blog myself — and about all the reasons why I haven’t done it yet. Not sure I’m ready to put myself out there in a really honest way, and I don’t want to accidentally create some kind of dishonest, poseur blog persona. Plus I can’t think of a really cool name for it. I MUST have a cool name. And “The Sheila Variations” is taken : ) But the fun that you have here, the creative and intellectual outlet that it clearly provides you, is inspiring.
Anyway, thanks for creating this great space, your online salon. It’s the best.
Sheila – thank you!! Please let me know if you ever do start blogging – won’t you?
Happy Birthday!
I wandered around the internet for years until I found you — and all your friends — and I felt like I was home. Thank you.
(All this talk about 9/11 makes me feel kinda silly that I found out by googling “St. Elmo’s Fire fans”.)
I’m so happy that I found this place. Happy birthday, Sheila. Thanks for all the good conversation.
Happy Blog Birthday, Sheila! You’re my fav!
Lisa – hahahahahahahahaha See THAT’S what I’m talkin’ about! If all I did was blog about John feckin’ Kerry and Abu Gharib … bah. Who cares?
But St. Elmo’s Fire? Now THERE’S a topic.
Man, oh, man, don’t know why, but I felt like you were leading up to an annoucement that you’d no longer be blogging… WHEW!!!
Happy blogversary!
Happy blog birthday, Sheila! I can honestly say this blog brings a lot of wonderful stuff to my life. (Even picked up a copy of “Mating” the other day. You sold me!)
And thanks for getting out of politics and leaving some space for those of us who CAN’T move on!
Happy anniversary Sheila,
I am a constant reader although very infrequent commenter. I glommed onto you right after 9/11 but even though we have all moved on from that, I still keep reading you. I finally started blogging myself (still at Blogspot but you know, its easy for now) and am starting up my third theme blog in a couple of days (on sewing this time). Youre right about how writing in public makes you write better, I think. Thanks for the inspiration.
http://puppywalking.blogspot.com
Sorry I missed you the past 3 years, but I’m glad I found ya! I like it here.
happy blogday, red! this site is one of my faves. so thanks very much.
The 18th is my birthday, too, so it’s a real thrill to share it with your blog. Congratulations and heartfelt thanks for three years of thought provoking, emotion mining, truth telling, multifaceted creativity. I’m so happy I found you, Sheila dear.
I am hurt and disappointed that you have chosen not to immerse yourself in the 24/7 roiling pit of political discontent. Sure, it embitters the soul, and sucks the joy out of life–but isn’t that really preferable to the life-affirming, fun stuff you seem to waste your time on now. Most of the time, it is enough for me that you still occasionally post historical mass-murder scenarios based on failed ideologies, but those seem so few and far between. Remember, you have some responsibility to your regulars–for instance, I don’t remember you ever posting anything on how our abandonment of Vietnam led to the horrors of Pol Pot.
All levity aside, I am thankful for the day I stumbled on this site and found this terrific mix of openness, sincerity, curiosity, energy, emotion, obsession, honesty, intellect, trust, and a core decency that shines through it all. You are a great broad, Sheila–and I mean that in fond admiration. I look forward to the day I will say, “I knew her when…”
Happy birthday, Sheila. I like your little place to shout.
Last week, I got a rather rude, random e-mail from some idiot who stumbled across my blog that said something like “how can you losers post your opinions on the internet like you think anybody cares? I’m laughing my ass off.” It was a not-so-subtle reminder that some people just don’t get it. These may be tiny corners of the internet, they may just be our opinions, we may just be a handful of people talking to each other, but we are enjoying ourselves. Sharing ideas, thoughts about everything from books to natural disasters to useless obsessions over 80’s pop icons may be pointless, but it is OURS. We like it. I sent my less than polite correspondent a painfully polite response (I find those hurt the most to people that are being really, really rude. Just kill them with kindness), asking if their lack of class compelled them to send rude messages to everyone that posts things on the internet with which they don’t share an interest, or was I a unique instance? I never got a response back.
Keep shouting, Sheila.
DBW – oh just you wait!! As of now, all of my book excerpts are from plays, because I am in my “theatrical” bookshelf – but just you WAIT until I get to my “history” bookshelf!
Now THAT’S gonna be some gooood times!
emily – also: to take the time to find your email address, compose an email, send it off … Like: who takes the time to do that? I certainly take the time when I feel like paying someone a compliment – but … to insult someone? There are plenty of bloggers out there I cannot stand. So … er … I do not read them. Uhm … seems pretty simple.
hahahaha so strange!!!
Happy Blog Birthday, Sheila!
I am so happy I found this place. At the risk of sounding weird, but your blog was the thing that helped me make a very necessary “click” at a difficult time in my life. The post that did the trick was your “Salieri” post. It made me feel less isolated, and I think you know what that means.
So Sheila, I cannot thank you enough for your blog!! Just love to stop by every day and read your thoughts and your readers’ comments. A wonderful place, indeed!
Shee,
You rock! I still can’t get past “Sheila Ashtray”………”that was unfortunate”… waaah!
Happy blogging bday. It makes me feel like I get to hear your voice everyday and I love it.
xxoo
Congratulations Sheila-
I’ve always adored you. You help me connect to a piece of my past while being interesting and enlightening.
I love the actor ruminations best. I miss having the thought processes that go with creating a character myself, so its nice to read through yours…
Sorry for the email Em. :(
Don’t know why I got your e-amil and Huffington’s mixed up.
;)
Congratulations, Sheila!!! Thank you for encouraging and supporting me when I started up my dopey blog. Your honesty and vulnerability have often inspired me to not hold back with my own writing. You’re really courageous in what you reveal so I draw a lot of strength from that. Sometimes that means me taking on that bitch Peppermint Patty and other times, I’ll tackle more serious stuff… you know, like the meddling of one Pa Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie or the continuing scourge that is Rosie O’Donnell. Regardless of the topic, you’re a definite influence. Depending on one’s outlook, you’re either to be commended or reprimanded for this.
Thanks for sharing yourself with us and a special thank you for being a mentor to me. I’m really glad I know you.
Happy blog-birthday, Sheila, and congrats, and best wishes on many, many more.
“It has made the world seem smaller and much much warmer.”
Yes, that’s it, exactly. Thank you again so very much for your part in making it so.
“What I mean to say, is when Judd Nelson grabs Molly Ringwald’s diamond earing and holds it up in the air…”
You know I’m jealous that I wasn’t the one to say this. ;-) But, OTOH, it delights me to no end to see that The Breakfast Club managed to be invoked by the second comment.
I’ve never found another blog like this, Sheila. It’s everything you are; Beautiful, Intelligent, Funny, Wacked Out, Obsessive, Thoughtful, and always, always Smart with a capital Q.
There’s nothing like this on the net. And there’s no one like you in the world. Your voice is important. Don’t ever shut up. Or slow down. Ever.
Tidbits from CrabAppleLane……
Congratulations to the Houston Astros and their wonderful fans. Should be a great series. To Mayor Nagin: The sentiment is great and I totally agree with you about Tom Benson but its not how the NFL works. Only Green Bay gets an NFL franchise without a…
Tidbits from CrabAppleLane……
Congratulations to the Houston Astros and their wonderful fans. Should be a great series. To Mayor Nagin: The sentiment is great and I totally agree with you about Tom Benson but its not how the NFL works. Only Green Bay gets an NFL franchise without a…
“DBW – oh just you wait!! As of now, all of my book excerpts are from plays, because I am in my ‘theatrical’ bookshelf – but just you WAIT until I get to my ‘history’ bookshelf!
Now THAT’S gonna be some gooood times!”
I can hardly wait for that! As someone whose education was primarily literary and philosophical, I’ve been envying you your historical erudition and was thinking about asking you for a reading list to help me fill in that lacuna in my knowledge.
So I’m really looking forward to seeing what you have on that bookshelf!!!
Happy Anniversary!
Happy Blogiversary, Sheila!
To celebrate this important occasion, I will now retire to my desk in my far-too-lived-in-looking cubicle…
(Let me digress for a moment here: I mean seriously, some people have NOTHING in their cubes, where they spend 1/3 of every single workday, while mine is littered with photos of my wife, my daughter, my dogs, cars I like, the assault on the original Death Star, plus assorted Hot Wheels cars, Star Wars figures, Pez dispensers, my Walt “Clyde” Frazier action figure –in Knicks uniform, sadly, not in the supreme 70s Clyde threads– and my most recent find, a “Dogs Playing Poker” mousepad. Ok. Digression over. Sorry.)
…to work on some mundane “work thing” while listening to “Kashmir.”
Which, as you know, is anything BUT mundane…
Congrats! Thanks for sharing your blog with us.
Congratulations.
Your blog is one of the most fascinating I have found. Thanks to you (and Lileks) I’ve been getting into Noir films and even more so,
Cary Grant films.
I don’t know how you find the time to write
so much, on such a variety of subjects, but I’m glad you do.
Best wishes,
Hank
Sheila,
So, what is it? Happy birthday, happy anniversary, happy blogiversary, yadda, yadda, yadda ? I choose happy anniversary so that I can quote some music, you know, like Happy anniversary baby, got you on my miiiiind (Little River Band) or Do you know what today is, its (y)our anniversary (Tony, Toni, Tone). Anyways, I just want to add to the sickeningly sweet adoration that you rightfully deserve. I dont always agree with you, I dont get into some of the actor stuff that much as Im one of the least artsy people I know, and I have been bitch-slapped by you before. But I want to let you know that I love your writing, your ability to paint vividly real pictures with your words, your incredibly keen intellect and vast knowledge, and most of all your willingness to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. I havent met you, but from what I can tell you deserve all the accolades you are receiving. And thank God you are more articulate than Dirk Diggler, or perhaps you would have already typed Wow. I don’t know what to say. I guess… Wow. I guess the only thing I can say is I’ll promise to keep rockin’ and rollin’…
Yeah, as long as it is good for you, I hope you keep rockin and rollin because you really do add something to the day of a lot of people. And if you keep doing that, Ill occasionally give you the heads up on some lame-ass interview on Book-TV on C-SPAN2. By the way, did you see Kaplan talk about his new book Imperial Grunts? I taped it. Im nearly as big a dork as you.
Take care
Jay –
dirk diggler – hahahahahahahahaha
I will always feel bad about that bitch-slap. It was a bitch-slap that was undeserved and based on a misunderstanding!!!
I believe I said “grrrrr” at you, did I not? I’m an asshole.
And no – I ended up missing the Kaplan interview – but I am SO excited to read that book. I’m a bit behind on my Kaplan reading – I still haven’t read the one he wrote about the Mediterranean which came out in 2004, I think. But the Imperial Grunts one sounds RIGHT up my dorky alley!
Oh. That sounds a bit dirty and disturbing.
Thanks, though, Jay. Your emails and comments are always a treat. They make me laugh.
When they don’t make me say ‘grrrrrrr’
Thank you for the words.
May the light of Star Wars continue to shine on you and this wonderfully eclectic blog.