Sports Guy fields questions. He has to have the coolest mail in existence.
Here’s my favorite. Listen to this email:
Q: I just got through reading an article about how Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting ready to visit Pakistan to see the quake devastation, and I couldn’t help but think this has to be one of the biggest cases of sucking up to a girlfriend/wife/significant other gone wrong in recent history. Like how when you first start dating a girl, you do everything she asks, like going to crappy chick movies, her grandmother’s 95th birthday party, picking her cat up from the vet, or stuff like that, just so she thinks you are actually sensitive and care about her interests, not just trying to get in her pants. Except in this instance, instead of going to the crafts store or whatever to pick out yarn for the sweater she is knitting you, you get dragged all over war-torn countries to look at death and devastation, when all you want to do is lie on the couch and watch football. I know it’s Angelina Jolie, but surely it’s not worth the rest of your independent life. Your thoughts?
— Justin M., AtlantaSG: In Pitt’s defense, I think he’s just completely out of his mind — he probably thinks they’re still filming “Mr and Mrs. Smith.” Give him the benefit of the doubt here.
“he probably thinks they’re still filming ‘Mr and Mrs Smith'” – why does that make me laugh???
And I love Justin too. The bit about the “crafts store” killed me.
For the record, I have never WILLINGLY gone to a ‘crafts store’ and I never will. Remember: I dropped out of Girl Scouts on the day they told us we were going to make duffel bags.
So, does this mean you’ve forcibly gone to a crafts store? Under what circumstances?
I’d rather not talk about it, if you don’t mind. It’s just …
it’s really really painful.
That’s okay. I understand the haunted memories of candle-making kits and rock arranging classes can linger for decades. Not to mention how long it takes to get all that damn glitter off your shoes.
The words “candle-making kits” are among the most horrible in the English language. I cannot bear it …
My favorite part was the autograph signatures. I love the Paul McGuire signature – the Sunday Night Football crew is the bane of football geeks everywhere.
Yeah – the one guy who asked him to sign it with his FOURTH favorite line from Anchorman.
HAHAHAHA
Rock arranging???
Slightly OT, Sheila, but still related to sports, did you see that your boy Damon is gonna be a Yankee!…
The Darkside
JFH –
The wound is too fresh. I’m serious – I can’t talk about it. The private emails have been going around in my family – and it is as though someone has died – but I can’t talk about it! It’s too awful!!!
Whoops bad link:
http://asmallvictory.net/darkside/archives/2005/12/yankees_welcome.html
On the bright side, it’s good to here from Michele again.
You just put an evil link onto my blog – although I completely agree – I have MISSED Michele big-time.
but please: STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. I beg you!!
It’s way more traumatic than the memories of the craft stores in my past.
So let’s talk about scouts and craft stores instead? Talk about evil!
No – let’s talk about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie – and how I kinda think that that guy’s analysis of the situation is pretty spot on!
Sorry, we cross posted there… still I never heard of rock arranging, what kind of craft is that?
Or we can just talk about The Breakfast Club. That’s always safe. :)
As long as the topic is not of interest to anybody in Clearwater Florida, I think we should be fine.
Or Xenu. Because he’s probably behind it anyway :)
“Anyone can make a lamp”… that’s kind of a craft
JFH,
There are apparently people who believe that arranging rocks in pretty patterns is an art form. It’s what those Druid people were trying to do with Stonehenge, you know.
JFH – hahahaha
You can make little rock fountains. and arrange small pebbles artfully and “naturally” so that the water looks like a little waterfall. Or … I honestly don’t know – that’s the first craft I thought of – and now my mind is a blank.
I panic when I think of any time spent doing crafts.
this conversation is absolutely hysterical.
Yes. It is.
How ’bout me typing “Clearwater” just as George was typing “Xenu”? Weird.
To any craft-y people out there – and I KNOW you’re out there – I FULLY respect your passion for it. I just don’t share it!
In less than a month, it’ll be my wife’s and my turn to run the “Extended Sunday School Session”(For kindergarten age kids that leave after the “Word For Kids”, before the sermon)… There’s always a craft. I dread crafts. I sure hope it’s something simple like gluing two popsicle sticks together and call it a cross, ‘cus otherwise I’m gonna be shown up by a bunch of 3, 4 and 5 year olds (You just KNOW they’re talking behind your back during playtime, post craft time: “That adult sure is untalented”. “Hey, come on that’s my dad, but you’re right, he’s not very good at crafts”)
Question: do legos/lincoln logs count as crafts? If so, then them’s fightin’ words.
HELLLLL NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
RE: Craft-y people – One of the LOLs (Little Old Ladies) I deal with regularly in the housing rehab program is a craft fiend. Every square inch of the interior of her house is rhinestoned, mirrored painted brightly, covered with felt or fuzzy fabric, puffy-painted or be-dazzled in someway. (Member the Be-dazzler?) I almost had a seizure the first time I saw it.
Now, regarding Brad or Brangelina: Im not sure if I believe hes consciously sucking up. Perhaps he’s just so excited to be with her that he doesn’t think about what he’s doing. On the other hand he could be very consciously sucking up, but he’s not sucking up to Angelina. He’s sucking up to his fans and the press. He knows he’s a jerk for dissing Jennifer the way he did so he’s going out of his way to look like a nice guy.
Ok, another theory. Angelina opened his eyes to the importance of “giving back” and he realized how vapid Jennifer is and fell in love with Angelina.
I’m sorry for the shouting, but you see, I take Legos very seriously.
Emily – DAMNRIGHT!
must take a moment to comment on the whole brad/angelina thing.
first of all, is this the strangest fallout from a breakup in terms of next partner/old partner hipness? brad pitt, the epitome of cool, leaves america’s sweetheart to romp w/someone who looks as if she started having plastic surgery in the womb, and before you can catch your breath, america’s sweetheart is out smoking cigarettes in wrigley town w/the other epitome of cool.
i don’t mean to get all brokeback mountain, but couldn’t brad and vince get together instead? i hate these chicks. well, i’m slowly getting over hating jennifer aniston thanks to repeated viewings of office space, but angelina jolie? has she ever portrayed an actual human being? her lips have a separate contract on each film demanding screen time and she smolders so much in every shot that i wish she’d just not-so-spontaneously combust already.
maybe they could all get together to do a remake of bob, carol, ted, and alice where we actually want to watch the namesakes get it on.
i never want to see that remake, bren, mkay??
I adore Legos. So they cannot be in the “craft gene”
also – the only way to see Office Space is “repeatedly” – as in: AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
Designing your uniform with more than the required amounts of “flair” is also a craft, I believe
That is definitely in the “craft” category. I’d be like her. I would do the bare minimum of flair and then get bitched out by some pissant tight-lipped passive aggressive manager.
Hmmm… I wonder what non-tight-lipped Jolie would have done with a “tight-lipped passive aggressive manager” who said she didn’t have enough flair. I’m thinkin’ in the mode of Laura Croft…
Don’t you want to express yourself, Sheila?
“HERE! THIS IS ME! EXPRESSING MYSELF!”
Looks like someone’s got a case of the “Wednesdays”
“They’d get their ass kicked for sayin’ sumpun like that.”
You know Michael Bolton dated Ashley Judd who I think is just as hot as Jennifer Aniston… ummm.. this stream of consciousness is going nowhere.
angelina jolie cannot be tight lipped. first of all, lips that large cannot be tight. second of all, in terms of propriety as in “don’t you know the meaning of”, anyone remember the blood vial around the neck? the limo sex on the way to the oscars? the makeout session with her BROTHER? if adopting a kid and lowering your eyes in some mid-90’s eddie vedder approximation of humility puts you in line for a nobel peace prize, sign me up for acting lessons w/andrew mccarthy, please.
by the way, i think kissing angelina jolie must be akin to being the passenger in an suv whose airbags inflate for no reason.
Don’t forget the claims of moral righteousness – “I could never have an affair with a married man!”*
*”Sure, I can cock-tease him until he dumps his otherwise happy marriage, but that’s just not the same thing and my snake charming instructor told me so.”
hahahaha my snake-charming instructor …
Have you Lego lovers seen this already?
Steve – !!!! hahahaha No, I hadn’t seen that!!
But I have, of course, seen this.
An epic undertaking. Maybe when he’s through with the Bible, The Reverend Brendan Powell Smith can collaborate with you and give us some scenes from some of your literary selections.
Red’s Brickshelf: An Excerpt in Legos.
bwahahahahahaha
I can totally see it — that’s it. I’m getting myself a digital camera and acting out Cat on a Hot Tin Roof in Legos.
brendan, you are one funny dude, get your own blog man! I’ll read it!
My favorite e-mail response was the cable TV warnings. I almost peed my pants:
MDDS — Michael Douglas’ Dangling Stuff
See, I post about Simmons, thinking I’m all cool, and then I scroll down one post and there’s a whole Sports Guy thread. You guys rock! He’s so good I actually read about the basketball, even though I think it’s a perfectly good waste of a hockey rink.
“Career-Ending Nudity.” Heheheheh. If I had been able to make the Manhattan book signing, I would have led the entire line in a chorus of “Talking Softball,” and have everyone jump in for the “While Wade Boggs lay unconscious on the barroom tile!” line. Good times.
BTW – you’ve seen the Lego Testaments, but have you seen where they’re read?
nightfly – I know – weird coincidence, right?? I love Simmons. I’m like you: I read every word he writes. Even about sports I don’t care about!