Next script on my script shelf:
Next play in my little unalphabetized pile of Samuel French plays is Sylvia
So. Gurney’s Sylvia
FUNNY play. I would love to play Sylvia.
The plot is this: Greg and Kate are married and have been married for 25 years or something like that. They have grown children, blah blah. They have lived in the suburbs their whole lives – but now that their kids are grown, they have moved into Manhattan. They’re at a transition in their marriage. Greg’s career is a bit stalled – while Kate’s career (she’s a teacher) is starting to heat up. In the middle of this – Greg finds a stray dog in the park – she has the name “Sylvia” on her dog tag. Sylvia is played by an actress. We get the inner monologue of the dog. SO FUNNY. It’s not like it’s a talking dog. Sylvia is just barking. But we, the audience, hears what she’s really saying. Greg actually does have conversations with her – in-depth conversations – but Sylvia could be just barking in response – and Greg FEELS like they are having a deep deep talk. Sarah Jessica Parker originated this role. It would just be so fun to do, I think! Sylvia starts to drive a wedge between Greg and Kate. The tensions in the marriage come to the forefront. Kate starts to see the dog as a rival. Greg clearly prefers hanging out with Sylvia to hanging out with her. But in the scene I’m about to post – Greg also has some jealousy issues, in regards to Sylvia. He wants to be the only “man” in her life. The whole thing is ridiculously funny – but also very touching and real.
I just love the thought process of the dog.
This scene takes place in the park. Sylvia has a “crush” on another dog named Bowser. Greg and Bowser’s owner Tom, watch Sylvia – who is “playing” offstage with Bowser.
From Sylvia
GREG. Sylvia’s having a ball out there.
TOM. Life of the party, isn’t she?
GREG. She’s been to the beauty parlor again. [Both watch]
TOM. Or else she’s in heat.
GREG. Naw.
TOM. She may be.
GREG. What makes you think so?
TOM. The way she carries her tush. [They watch] Did you ever get her spayed?
GREG. Not yet. I took your advice about waiting. [They watch] Is Bowser fixed?
TOM. Nope. It’s different.
GREG. Is it? [They watch]
TOM. Call her. See if she’ll come.
GREG. Of course she’ll come.
TOM. Not if she’s in heat.
GREG. [calling] Sylvia! … Sylvia, come! [to Tom] See? She’s coming immediately. [Sylvia comes on]
SYLVIA. Hi, Greg! [to Tom] Hello, Tom. Did I ever tell you how fond I was of Bowser?
GREG. You’re not in heat, are you, sweetheart?
SYLVIA. Me? Naw. No way.
GREG. Didn’t think so.
SYLVIA. [to herself] I just feel like fucking, that’s all.
TOM. She seems to be asking for it.
GREG. She’s just being affectionate.
SYLVIA. [to herself] I want to fuckie-fuck-fuck.
TOM. I think she’s definitely in heat.
GREG. It’s just natural affection.
SYLVIA. May I go now?
GREG. Sure, Sylvia. Go play.
SYLVIA. [going off] Hey Bowser! Ready or not, here I come! And I want to fuck toot sweet! [She runs off. Pause]
GREG. You may be right. She may be in heat.
TOM. I think she is.
GREG. What do I do if she is?
TOM. Keep her inside.
GREG. With my wife?
TOM. Then send her away.
GREG. My wife?
TOM. Sylvia!
GREG. I’m not going to send her away.
TOM. Just for the duration.
GREG. Out of the question.
TOM. Then keep her on a leash at all times. And don’t bring her into the park. If you let her loose, you’re just asking for — [Looks out] Uh oh.
GREG. What?
TOM. Where’s Bowser?
GREG. Where’s Sylvia? [They look around]
TOM. Look. Over there. Behind that bush.
GREG. Shit.
TOM. I told you!
GREG. [starting off] I’ll break it up!
TOM. Too late. They’re locked.
GREG. I don’t care. I’ve got to —
TOM. You’d hurt her.
GREG. But …
TOM. Hey, Greg! Think about her for a change! This is her big moment! What has she done for most of her life? Lie around in an apartment. Take an occasional walk at the end of a leash. Give her this, at least. Let her have something to remember. [They stand watching]
GREG. That bastard.
TOM. Who? Bowser?
GREG. He raped her.
TOM. Come off it.
GREG. Bowser raped Sylvia!
TOM. She asked for it! She shoved it right in his face!
GREG. [grabbing Tom by the shirt] Listen, fella. You’re talking about my … [Lets go] dog.
TOM. See? See what we’re doing? We’re thinking of them as people.
GREG. Right. [They watch] Oh Sylvia … Sylvia … Sylvia …
TOM. After this, you should have her fixed.
GREG. And you should have Bowser neutered.
TOM. Nope. Sorry. It would ruin his personality. There’s a major difference between castration and just having your tubes tied, Greg. Think about it.
GREG. [poking him in the chest] I see. So once again, the women of this world are being asked to suffer the consequences of male aggression. Oh boy, I’m tellin gyou. I’m learning a lot about life these days.
TOM. Cool it, Greg. [They watch]
GREG. Do these things always take?
TOM. Not always.
GREG. I almost wish it would.
TOM. Why?
GREG. Sylvia’d make a wonderful mother.
TOM. It’s tough having puppies. Particularly in town.
GREG. But I’d be there for her. I’d pitch right in. I’d build a special box for her, with newspapers and a blanket and get right in there and give a hand. It would give us more in common. Hey, when Kate and I had our kids, I pulled my weight, let me tell you. I helped feed them, and change them, and give them their baths. And on Sunday mornings, we’d bring them into our bed, and we’d all hunker down under the covers. I’d do the same with Sylvia and her pups. Why we’d all … Together we’d … Why, we’d … [He runs out of steam. Pause]
TOM. You’re sick, man.
GREG. I know it.
TOM. Get her to the vet. First thing.
GREG. Right.
TOM. And get yourself to a shrink.
GREG. Mmmm.
TOM. [looks out] Well. [Watches vicariously] Looks like they’re done. [checks watch] Hey. It’s late … [stretches, flexes, lights a cigarette] Come on, Bowser! Let’s go, Big Guy! Shake a leg, O Studly One! [he goes off proudly, smoking]
GREG. [calling after him] You macho bastard! [Greg kicks the ground angrily. After a moment, Sylvia comes on. Pause. They look at each other] Well, well.
SYLVIA. You speaking to me?
GREG. Have a good time out there?
SYLVIA. I believe it’s time to go home.
GREG. I said, did you have a good time?
SYLVIA. I’d prefer not to discuss it.
GREG. Do you like Bowser?
SYLVIA. Who?
GREG. You know damn well who. Bowser. That big guy with his tail up, heading home.
SYLVIA. [looking off] Oh him.
GREG. Do you like him?
SYLVIA. It’s really none of your business, Greg.
GREG. Oh no? Seems to me out there you made it everybody’s business.
SYLVIA. Look, Greg. I happen to be exhausted.
GREG. I’ll bet you are.
SYLVIA. I am tired, I am hungry, and I am not going to stand around this park discussing ancient history. What happened between me and Bowser is over and done with. It was just a fling, Greg. Just a dumb, silly fling. We both got temporarily carried away. Now, let’s leave it at that.
GREG. Will it happen again?
SYLVIA. What do you mean?
GREG. Are you still in heat, Sylvia?
SYLVIA. [rubbing her back against something] I refuse to recognize that expression. I find it somewhat demeaning.
GREG. You are, aren’t you?
SYLVIA. I’m not saying I am, I’m not saying I’m not.
GREG. Seem sto me a little operation is in order.
SYLVIA. Which means?
GREG. Never mind, but I’m calling the vet first thing.
SYLVIA. That sounds like you plan to punish me.
GREG. No, no.
SYLVIA. It certainly sounds that way.
GREG. It’s for your own good.
SYLVIA. Oh yeah, sure. Tell me another.
GREG. I just wish you could exercise a little more self-control.
SYLVIA. May we change the subject, please? May we get on with our lives? [taking the leash, handing him his end] May we make some attempt to move towards home. I happen to be quite hungry.
GREG. I’ll bet you are. Let’s go. [They start off. Suddenly she stops]
SYLVIA. Hold it.
GREG. What?
SYLVIA. [jumping onto the bench] Get a load of that dalmatian over there.
GREG. What about him?
SYLVIA. Look at the balls on that guy!
GREG. Let’s go, Sylvia.
SYLVIA. On second thought, maybe I want to stay.
GREG. [pulling at her] Jesus, you’re a slut, Sylvia. You’re a promiscuous slut. It’s under the knife for you, kid. First thing.
SYLVIA. You’re jealous, aren’t you?
GREG. Not at all.
SYLVIA. Yes you are. You’re jealous!
GREG. I am not! I just happen to think you can do better, that’s all!
SYLVIA. Yeah, yeah, yeah … [They exit]
