Next script on my script shelf:
Next play in my little unalphabetized pile of Samuel French plays is Laughing Wild – Acting Edition
A two-person play about two absolute wack-jobs. The woman is literally a demented person wandering the streets of NYC, laughing hysterically (laughing wild) for no reason. She has a long and absolutely HILARIOUS monologue that opens the show. She obsesses on certain things – until she goes nuts. Like Sally Jessy Raphael. The thought of Sally Jessy Raphael makes this woman ANGRY. She can’t understand why she is successful, and she can’t stop thinking about it. Etc. The other character is a gay man who is also filled with obsessions – only he’s not as crazy. He obsesses about Chernobyl, and nuclear winter, and the end of the world … He cannot get black thoughts out of his mind. But he just took a “personality workshop” which taught him some positive mantras – which he keeps trying to utilize to block out all of his depressing thoughts. Naturally, it doesn’t work. But he keeps trying.
Eventually – these two crazy people cross paths … Because this is Christopher Durang, things get insane, surreal – The woman and the man both have the same dream – which is re-enacted. The woman has killed Sally Jessy Raphael and takes over her show. She ends up interviewing the Infant of Prague (played by the man) – don’t ask me how that happens, but it all makes a sort of bizarre sense in the context of the play.
I loved this play in college – it was one of my favorites. Mitchell and I always wanted to do this play. It’s way over-done now, everyone does it … but still. It would be fun to work on.
I’ll excerpt the Sally Jessy/Infant of Prague scene because it is just TOO BIZARRE. Anytime you see the woman say: “Ahahahahahaha” that, of course, means that she starts “laughing wild”.
From Laughing Wild – Acting Edition
WOMAN. And then the next night I dreamt that I killed Sally Jessy Raphael.
MAN. [from offstage] And now the Sally Jessy Raphael show! [The stage transforms itself into a talk show setting. In the New York production, a section of the supermarket aisle turned around revealing a blue carpet and a blue “interview” chair; behind it was just more of the supermarket cans, but all color-coordinated blue — blue cans of soda, blue boxes of laundry detergent, etc. Thus the setting rather than being a literal talk show became a kind of crackpot “dream” talk show, mixing up the supermarket and the TV show. The Woman discovers a microphone and red-framed glasses, which she puts on]
WOMAN. Hello. Sally Jessy Raphael can’t be here today because I killed her. My aggression finally got the better of me, but what can you expect living in New York? These are her red-framed glasses, however. Do you like me in them? Now when my eyes are bloodshot from weeping or from allergies, you won’t be able to tell whether it’s my eyes that are red or my glasses!
This isn’t my first time before the cameras you know. The late Andy Warhol discovered me, and he said I should be as famous as Edie Sedgwick. That isn’t very famous, of course, but those of you who follow the East Village scene and take drugs know who I mean. Ahahahahahahahahahahaa.
I hope you don’t mind if I do that, but I’m hoping to make that my signature on the air rather than these fuckin’ glasses. Ahahahaha.
Let’s see. Sally Jessy Raphael used to say “troops” a lot. I’ll try that. Hey, troops! How are you? Do you like my glasses? That way when my eyes are red, you can’t tell if I’ve been crying or someone’s punched me! Ahahahaha. Did I tell you about my father in the baked potato? I ate him. Now, troops, I don’t mean sexually, I mean I ate him cannibalistically. Ahahahaha. Just kidding about that, troops, but know that my pain is sincere.
However, our show today isn’t about cannibalism and it isn’t about oral sex, although Dr. Ruth is a friend of mine … That’s a lie, I hate Dr. Ruth and I hate Mother Theresa! I want them to fight to the death with chains and nuclear-fueled revolving dildos! I’m sorry …
[calls out to technicians in the distance or off-stage] … can I say the word “dildo” on television? What? Read off the cards? Read off what cards? [Sees something, reads from it] A E I O U. [tries to pronounce it] Aeiou? Well, that’s an eye chart, not an idiot card. No, these cards are not useful. I am not an optimist. No, that’s a slip of the tongue. I am not an optometrist. I am a talk show host or hostess.
Today our show is about nuclear proliferation. And it’s also about the destruction of the ozone layer. And it’s about sex education in the schools — should we tell our children about condoms or just wait until they get AIDS? And it’s about AIDS, and it’s about society’s views on homosexuality — is it disgusting or is it delightful? And it’s about the electoral college in our voting system — should we change it, should we rethink it, should we charge the delegates to the electoral college a tuition fee? And it’s about free speech versus pay speech. Should people be allowed to say what they think? Should we demand that people who talk more pay more taxes? And it’s about President Reagan and taxes. Does he know what he’s talking about, or is he already dead?
Anyway, it’s about all these topics — nuclear proliferation, condoms and children, the ozone layer, AIDS, homosexuality, heterosexuality, free speech, necrophilia and the presidency, and changing the electoral college — and we have to cover all these topics in under thirty minutes! So I better stop talking and birng out my first guest. Won’t you please join me in welcoming the Infant of Prague!
[Enter the Man dressed as the Infant of Prague. Now what do I mean by this? The Infant of Prague is a 17th-century artist’s invention of what the Christ Child, triumphant, might look like. Catholics are familiar with the look of this — usually in Infant of Prague statues — found in their churches, or sometimes on dashboards. Non-Catholics usually have not heard of the Infant of Prague, but some may recognize the “look”. The “look” is this: a golden-haired child (of about ten to twelve maybe), dressed ornately. The most common look has white robes, embroidered with pearls and jewels, covered with a bright red cape, with white ruffles at the neck and wrists. On the top of the child’s golden curls is a great big whopping crown, of gold and red, not unlike the crown in Imperial Margarine commercials on TV. [That is, it’s big and has the “ball-like” red thing at the top of it. The Infant in his left hand always carries a large orb [usually blue, and with a gold cross on top of it], and always has his right hand raised, with his first two fingers held upright, and his thumb and other two fingers folded in on one another. Since the Infant of Prague is usually a statue or sometimes a large doll whose silhouette often spreads out like an inverted “Y” due to the fullness of his robes, the New York designer chose to make the costume resemble a statue rather than a person. The robes spread out very wide to the side [on a kind of inner tubing] so that as costumed the Infant looked rather like an enormous, walking chess piece. When the audience saw underneath the Infant’s robes, they saw a smooth, stretched white covering out of which two slippered feet protruded — again, looking very much like the bottom of a statue, and not that of a human being. Anyway, that, in words, is what the Infant of Prague looks like. And that is how the Man is dressed on his entrance. The Infant’s personality, by the way, as played by the Man, is sunny and beatifically unflappable.]
WOMAN. [to herself] Why am I dreaming about the Infant of Prague? I don’t even know what that is.
MAN. [to audience, not in character as the Infant, and perhaps lowering his upraised right hand] I dreamt I was the Infant of Prague appearing on the Sally Jessy Raphael show, though I’ve never even heard of her. [The Man raises his right hand, with its two upraised fingers, and resumes being the Infant]
WOMAN. Infant of Prague, won’t you sit down?
MAN. Thank you, Sally, I only stand.
WOMAN. I’m not Sally. Sally is dead.
MAN. [with sympathy] Oh. And is she in heaven with my father?
WOMAN. I really don’t know. Enough chit-chat. Tell me — “Infant of Prague” — is that your first name?
MAN. My name is the Infant of Prague, and I am a representation of the Christ Child.
WOMAN. Really. Where do you live?
MAN. I am housed in the Church of Our Lady of Victory in Prague, capital of Czechoslovakia.
WOMAN. [a penetrating question] Where is Prague exactly?
MAN. It’s in Czechoslovakia.
WOMAN. And where in Czechoslovakia?
MAN. [confused] It’s in Prague.
WOMAN. Ahahahahahahaha! [to Infant] That’s my signature. Do you like my glasses? They’re red. That way you can’t tell if roving street gangs beat me up or not.
MAN. What?
WOMAN. Never mind. Tell us, Infant, a little bit about yourself. [The Infant addresses a lot of his comments directly and happily to the audience because he is a born teacher, and because he is divine]
MAN. A statue of me was given to the Discalced Carmelites in Prague in 1628 by princess Polyzena Lobkowitz.
WOMAN. Polly who Lobka-what?
MAN. The statue was a gift from her mother, Maria Mariquez de Lara, who had brought the statue with her to Bohemia when she married the Czech nobleman, Vratislav of Pernstyn.
WOMAN. Princeton? Princeton, new Jersey?
MAN. No, not Princeton. Pern-styn.
WOMAN. Uh huh> I wonder if I have any other guests that could come on. [calls off stage] Oh, Ed? Is there anybody back there? [to herself] Who’s Ed? I don’t know any Ed. Oh, never mind. [to Infant] Tell us, Infant, a little about what you’re wearing. [to audience] That’s pretty wild, isn’t it troops?
MAN. I’m glad you asked me that, Sally.
WOMAN. I’m not Sally. Sally’s dead.
MAN. Then she’s in heaven with my father. My inner garments are similar to the priest’s alb, and are made of white linen and of lace. [proudly shows a bit of his undergarments, or beneath a ruffle]
WOMAN. Oooh, this is getting racy.
MAN. Please don’t make any sacrilegious remarks or I’ll have to leave.
WOMAN. I always get the difficult guests. First Eartha Kitt, and now a tea cozy.
MAN. [turning as in a fashion show] Covering my inner garments is a miniature liturgical cope, made of heavy damask, richly woven with gold and embroidered with pearls. [In the NY production, the Woman actually went out into the audience to ask her questions, rather as Phil Donahue and Sally Jessy Raphael often do]
WOMAN. Wow, you could really feed a lot of starving people with that outfit there, couldn’t you, Infant?
MAN. [firmly] Most people do not eat gold and pearls, Sally.
WOMAN. Sally’s dead, how many times do I have to tell you that!
MAN. Three times, representing the Blessed Trinity. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
WOMAN. [referring to the orb] What’s that little paperweight in your hand?
MAN. This is not a paperweight. It is a miniature globe, signifying the world-wide kingship of the Christ Child.
WOMAN. Uh huh. Well, fine, let’s move on, shall we? [a glint in her eye] Let’s talk about condoms for a bit. Your church isn’t very big on condoms, is it?
MAN. When people ask me, the Infant of Prague, for advice on sexuality, I sometimes think to myself, what do I know about sex? — I’m an infant. What’s more, I’m the Infant of Prague. I can’t sit down, let alone have sex. [laughs goodnaturedly at his quip] But what people don’t realize sometimes is that God my father has a holy and blessed purpose to the mystery of sexuality, and that purpose is to create other little infants like myself to glorify God and creation. That is why condoms are wrong because anything that intercepts — or contra-cepts — this process is deeply wrong.
WOMAN. Now let’s get real for a second here, Infant. People are always going to have sex, and now we have this deadly disease AIDS which is killing people, and one of the ways to protect oneself is to use a condom. Now don’t you think we better get practical here, and get people to use condoms? Whaddya say, Infant of Prague???
MAN. We must instruct the people at risk to abstain from sex.
WOMAN. Oh, well, fine. And we can tell the waterfall to stop falling, but is that practical?
MAN. Moses parted the Red Sea. [smiles at the audience, having made an unassailable point]
WOMAN. Uh huh. So let’s get this straight — you would prefer that adolescents die from AIDS rather than tell them about condoms?
MAN. I do not prefer this at all, Sally. Yes, I know, Sally is dead. Sorry, I keep forgetting, Sally, I would tell all the teenagers of the world to be like me, an infant without sexual urges, until they were much, much older and ready to commit to one person for life, and to glory in the sacramental beauty of sex, within marriage, where during the actual act of intercourse all you can think about is “Procreation! Procreation! I am going to have a little baby, a little infant to glorify God!”
WOMAN. Well the teenagers in New Jersey are gonna love that answer. Come on, Infant. Don’t you think you’re a little impractical?
MAN. The Divine is impractical, that’s why it’s divine. [The Infant smiles delightedly, another unassailable point. The Woman would like to kill him]
WOMAN. [to audience] We have to take a little break here but we’ll be right back with more of the Infant of Prague. [ON THE AIR sign goes off; and theme music starts. Off the air, the Woman unleashes her pent-up fury and begins to pummel the Infant] YOU JERK, YOU STUBBORN SHIT, YOU EFFEMINATE EUNUCH, YOU MAKE ME WANT TO VOMIT WITH YOUR HOLIER THAN THOU ATTITUDE! WHY SHOULD WE LISTEN TO YOU ABOUT SEX??? YOU’RE AFRAID OF SEX, YOUR IDEAS ON SEX ARE RIGID AND INSANE, AND SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE YOU KILLED! I WANT YOU DEAD! DIE, DIE, DIE! [The Infant looks startled and alarmed during this outburst. Towards the end of her outburst, one of her hits makes him fall over backwards, and the Woman dives on top of him, continuing her pummeling. The ON THE AIR sign comes back on, as does the theme music. The Woman looks out, caught in the act of straddling and beating up her guest. She gets off of him, and talks to the camera. The Infant remains on the ground, unable to stand up due to the weight of his clothes and crown. He struggles from time to time, moving his slippered feet about pathetically] Well, we’re back on the air now. Ahahahahaha. Let’s talk about “air”, and the ozone layer, shall we? [Notices the Infant’s struggling, explains to the camera] He fell down during the commercial.
MAN. Would you help me stand up please?
WOMAN. Wait a minute. Give me your opinion on the destruction of the ozone layer.
MAN. I am opposed to the destruction of the ozone layer, Sally.
WOMAN. Who did we tell you was dead?
MAN. Sally.
WOMAN. Right answer. Alright, I’ll help you up now. [The Woman helps the Infant stand up. He looks disoriented for a moment] Okay. Let’s go for the “gold”. What about homosexuality — is it disgusting or is it delightful?
MAN. It is a grievous sin. But I love homosexuals, I just want them to be celibate until I die.
WOMAN. Who booked this jerk on here anyway? [calls off-stage again] Ed, I’m talking to you!
MAN. Where is Sally?
WOMAN. Who is Ed?
MAN. I don’t want to be interviewed by you anymore. [starts to wander toward off-stage, and to call out] Sally? Sally!
WOMAN. [takes out a gun and aims it at him] I killed Sally Jessy Raphael, and I can kill you! [shoots him several times]
MAN. It is not possible to kill the Infant of Prague. [He exits happily. She is enraged]
WOMAN. [calling out after him] I hate you, I hate you, you Infant of Prague! [to audience] I hate religious bigots. And I hate people who think they know what’s right. And I hate people who are filled with hate. And I hate people who are filled with love. I wish my mother had had me killed when I was a fetus. That’s the kind of person I am. Do you get it? Ahahahahahahahaha!
WOMAN’S VOICE. [on tape] My next guest today is Rama Sham Rama.
WOMAN. I don’t want no fucking next guest! [shoots her gun off-stage, apparently stopping Rama Sham Rama; then calls off in the other direction] Ed! You’re fired! [shoots her gun off in Ed’s direction. The theme music plays nightmarishly, and the talk show set disappears or recedes into the distance. The Woman is now back in her waking-dream state again, and addresses the audience as herself once more, out of her Sally dream] Why is there so much violence in my dreams? I’m always killing people or they’re killing me. The other night I dreamt I killed Sally Jessy Raphael. And then I tried to kill the Infant of prague, whoever the hell that is. Then Rama Sha Rambus somebody. I have to let go of this rage, I can’t live this way anymore.
