Diary Friday

Okay, I’m about to embarrass someone yet again – with the following entry from my junior year in high school. This one’s for Keith M. He’ll know why.

NOVEMBER

WHAT A DAY!! I’ve got to tell you! Have I told you about Keith M? It feels like I have. He is — the — (I swear to God) nicest guy at our school. Wow. My heart almost hurts. He is gonna grow up to be one fantastic guy. He already is. It’s unusual. I mean, the popular guys in our class – they’re nice and everything – but not very sensitive. It seems like they make fun of everyone. They can be mean. But Keith! KEITH! What a name. [Uhm, okay – not only am I probably embarrassing Keith reading this, but now I’M embarrassed. It’s the “What a name” moment that got me. Okay, onward.] He never makes fun of freshmen or unpopular kids. He’s nice to everyone. But he’s not overly sweet. He’s sort of a tough guy, you know? [I ADORE my complex character analysis here.]

He’s in my Chemistry and Math. He is a good student. He wants to understand and do well. It gives me a thrill whenever he says my name. [AHHHHH! How embarrassing!!] It’s like: “He knows who I am!” But of course he does! I’ve been in his class since first grade. We were a “couple” in 4th grade. (Really heavy stuff. You know. I stole his comb and giggled when he came near me.) But in junior high, I drifted apart from all my old friends. They all became popular – Keith, Andrew – but now – this year, I just love being in classes with him. My old childhood friend.

I keep thinking I’ve told you this! [Er – I believe the “you” is referencing my journal] There’s that moment in gym class – where a retarded kid showed up and he’d be doing his best, and everyone would be snickering- but Keith M. sat there, staunchly, firmly, calling out, “Great cut! Okay! Keep your eye on the ball! That’s it!” You know — pep talk. Whatever. GOD.

Keith M. has such a great start on being human. I told my mom that story about Keith in gym class and she went, “Now him. He will grow up to be an even nicer man.” She’s right. He’s so friendly. We can talk to each other. I don’t know. I feel comfortable with him.

[I have to just interject here. The fact that I wrote about Keith M so much and so rapturously in my journals is kind of surprising to me – not that he isn’t a worthy object – but that I don’t remember doing so. I don’t remember having RAVED about him so consistently – his name comes up constantly in these old journals – and it’s really amazing to look back and go: “Wow. He really meant a lot to me. Who knew??”]

I had gone on a field trip today with Drama to see Glass Menagerie and I came home and wondered who to call from Math to find out what I missed. I really don’t know anyone in my class, not well enough to call anyway – so I thought of Keith – not that I know Keith like a brother – but God, the opportunity was there – I grabbed it. I was nervous though. I practiced what I would say. O God! [I am striking myself as unbelievably sweet here. Also, I love that I didn’t write “Oh God” but I wrote “O God” … it’s a much more dramatic and poetic spelling, which was completely appropriate – seeing as I WAS ABOUT TO CALL KEITH M! I was so dramatic. Sheesh] I looked up his number.

I remember every second of this phone call. Keith has a distinct way of talking. His voice … it sounds – not sharp – but clear. He is the best looking boy in our class, I swear. Heart pounding, I said to myself, “Cut it out, Sheila!” and dialed.

It rang twice.

“Hello?” It was his father, I guess. I could hear the news on in the background. Just saying, “May I please speak to Keith” gave me a heart attack. What was he thinking as he came to get the phone? Would he be bummed out that it was me? But really what I was thinking was just his name … Keith. [Sheila, his name is Keith. Please get over it.]

“Just a minute,” and he went off to get Keith and I thought, “Oh my God, he’s home!” I wasn’t nervous – just – I don’t know. I really like him. But 4th grade is so far away now.

There was a pause – then I heard this sort of close voice, “Yeah! I got it!” His sharp clear voice. He picked up the phone. [Listen to how I am writing about this – I am writing as though calling Keith to get the math homework is literally the biggest cliffhanger ever. O God!] He said “Hello?”

I pushed on – “Hi Keith? This is Sheila from Math class.” Dumb thing to say. We have been friends since six-year-old-dom. But he said, “Oh! Hi!” Really friendly. Not sort of suspicious, like: “Oh no – what does she want?” I once called Andrew in the 6th grade – Mary Lou answered and went running off screaming, “ANDREW! IT’S A GIRL!” [hahahahahahaha]

I said, “Uh … I was wondering, since I wasn’t there today if we had a quiz or what the homework is …”

“Oh – okay. Uh …”

I love how — I just — He just was so nice – very amiable. I have such an inferiority complex, especially with boys. I think everyone’s suspicious of me. And I think that if they guess that I like them – they will be bummed out about it. It’s weird.

He said, “We didn’t have a quiz today but I believe we’re having a test on Friday and – okay, the homework is the – uh – Chapter Review – Chapter Summary – whatever, and that’s on page … Do you have your book with you?”

[Look at that. I have almost no memory of this enormous cliffhanger of a moment in my life – but I would bet that that’s almost word for word what Keith said. I had a knack – and still have it – for remembering conversations, no matter how benign or trivial – with word to word detail.]

“Uh – no -” I whipped out a pencil to mark it down. He said, “Well, it’s either on 109 or 129 – I’m not sure – but one of those.” I wrote that down quickly on my Glass Menagereie program and said, “Okay. Got it. Thanks a lot, Keith.” “Yeah, sure.” “Okay. Bye.” “Bye.”

AND THEN WE HUNG UP!

[If you could only see how huge those letters are in my journal. Hahahaha They’re enormous. I am shouting “AND THEN WE HUNG UP”. As though hanging up the phone is the most AMAZING development in this whole cliffhanger.]

Keith seems so natural – not inhibited – I can’t explain this. I don’t idolize him – even though I sit here going, “HE KNOWS WHO I AM!” It’s not like that. I don’t idolize him. I just care for him. He is special. That’s all. His whole personality. I know that conversation doesn’t sound thrilling – but Diary – all the other guys – I mean, I don’t know if they even know who I am – but you had to have been on that phone. He was not – Okay. I know. I remember. I know why he’s different, and special. That’s what matters. I mean, I don’t think he likes me or anything, but it is the fact that he treats me so kindly, like a pal, like a friend – It comes so easily to me when I am with him. With all other boys – even the ones I grew up with – it’s always so weird and awkward. They act like I want something from them – just by talking to them. Keith never does that. Conversation comes naturally with us. Me, Keith, and Bill always end up sitting near each other because of our last names. That last sentence had awful grammar, and sorry about that. Anyway, in Chemistry, I sit in back of Bill who sits in back of Keith. One day, Mr. Amoeba started handing out papers for a “pop quiz” – ooh, isn’t he cool and scary – [Uhm, can you tell I despised that teacher?] Keith groaned, “Oh, great. Here goes another grade down the tubes.” I said – not really to him – just to myself, and anyone who felt like listening: “Think positive!” Bill heard me. He leaned forward, tapped Keith on the shoulder, and said, “Excuse me, Keith. Sheila O’Malley wants you to think positive.” [hahahahahaha] Keith turned around and grinned at me, giving the thumbs-up sign.

I can’t believe how much I care for this kid. How has this happened? Just a friendship is more than enough.

Aren’t human beings and human nature the most wonderful things in the world??????