The Books: “I Am the Cheese” (Robert Cormier)

Next book on the YA shelf:

Next book on the shelf is I Am the Cheese (Readers Circle) by Robert Cormier.

I remember reading THIS book, again, in 8th grade – it was again on the curriculum – I think I read it a couple times after that, because I liked it. It’s another terrifying and dark book – and there’s a revelation at the very very end which is truly upsetting. Although, to be honest, I can’t remember what that revelation is. Does anyone remember? It’s been so long since I read this one.

Here’s what I remember:

— There’s a kid. He’s bicycling. The bicycle is a big deal.
— The kid has “blanks” in his memory. He also “blanks” out in his present – kind of like Sybil describes in the movie when she says, “One time, I woke up and I was two years older.” The kid’s mind is protecting him from something. But what??
— Interspersed through the narrative are these odd “interview” sequences … a Q&A … or it feels sometimes like an interrogation … Who is interrogating who? Why?
— Uhm … help … no more memory of PLOT
— I think the Witness Protection Program has something to do with the plot … the boy’s family was in the program?
— But for some reason he either has amnesia, or … something … he’s blocking out something HORRIBLE and the interrogation (which sometimes is gentle, sometimes more aggressive) is designed to “help” him remember … But … who is the interrogator? You kind of get the sense of a government agency there … A cold bureaucratic faceless person …
— And the ending is quite horrible. Although I can’t remember the ending. It’s something like: The boy realizes that the entire thing has been in his mind??

Basically the final revelation of the book is that the boy – the narrator of this thing – the boy we have come to love and root for – is actually quite mad. He’s lost his mind. All he can do is “keep pedaling” … but the bike is in his mind. In his reality he is locked up in a mental institution and will be for the rest of his life … because he knows government secrets? He saw something he shouldn’t have? I CAN’T REMEMBER. I also have “blanks” when it comes to the plot of this book.

It’s a gripping book – at least I remember it as being gripping – and there is something very very scary in realizing that nothing is as it seems … The truth of the book unfolds slowly, Cormier lets you sweat it out … You start to put the pieces together, but it’s all still vague and unclear … until you have the horrible “A-ha” moment at the end.

If anyone remembers the plot of this damn book, please leave it in the comments!!

I’ve told you what I remember.

Here’s an excerpt from one of the interrogation scenes. See how bureaucratic the tapes are – the labels, the dates … this is in huge contrast with the OTHER narrative, the first-person narrative of the boy … It’s all kind of terrifying.

From I Am the Cheese (Readers Circle) by Robert Cormier.

TAPE OZK013
0800
date deleted T-A

T. You are looking well this morning.
A. Thank you.
T. You are alert.
A. I feel alert.
T. We are making excellent progress, are we not?
A. A lot of things are clearer now. Not everything. But enough. They give me the chills sometimes but the chills are better than the blanks.
T. Good. I mentioned the necessity of specific details.
A. You’re always talking about specifics – what kind of specifics?
T. I mean specific details as opposed to general information.
A. You mean, details of our lives in Monument and how we came to be there?
T. Yes, that, of course. Also, the why’s of your presence in Monument.
A. But I’ve told you that. My father gave testimony. And this placed him in danger.
T. Did he ever tell you about his testimony, its nature?
A. No. There wasn’t time.
T. What do you mean – there wasn’t time?
(9-second interval)
A. I don’t know. I’m not sure.
T. You appear troubled. You are frowning. Is anything the matter?

Like a cloud hanging in the distance, in his mind, something dark lurking there. And the edge of panic again, a shiver in his bones, deep in his marrow …

T. Perhaps this line of questioning is disturbing you. Why not let the thoughts flow freely?
A. All right. It’s just that, for a minute there, I felt the blankness again. There are still blanks, you know.
T. And we shall fill those blanks eventually. Think of how far we have come to this point.
A. Do we still have a long way to go?
T. That depends.
A. You mean, it depends on me?
T. To a certain extent, yes. And on these sessions. And the medicine. Tell me, did you grow close to your father after you had discovered the truth of the situation?
A. Yes. We spent a lot of time together. He kept apologizing for the predicament he had placed me in, had placed my mother in, too. But I was proud of him, really. I mean, he had done what he believed to be right. He had given up his career …

He remembered asking his father, tentatively, afraid that he was invading his privacy, how much it had hurt him to start life over, to give up his old life, his career, his friends. Adam thought how terrible it would be if he had to leave Monument now, to give up Amy, and start again in a new town, a new section of the country.

“Of course it hurt, Adam,” his father said. “But it hurt your mother most of all. I didn’t mind leaving Blount – I had always figured that my career lay elsewhere. I had those dreams a young guy has, dreams of going to distant places, fame, all that stuff. But your mother loved Blount, the people especially. The hardest thing for me – and I still miss it – was giving up the newspaper work. I still hope that the situation will change and I’ll be able to get back in the business someday. Grey figured it was too risky for me to continue in the same profession. Insurance didn’t appeal to me. But the Department always keeps its eyes out for legitimate businesses they can buy or take over that one of their witnesses can operate. The insurance agency was available for me at the time. We had to build a new life, Adam. It was hard, naturally. But when you think of the alternative, we were glad to have a chance. There’s always fear, though. Even today. Grey said our tracks are covered. Three bodies cremated ten years ago in Blount, New York. But who knows? Who really knows?”

“Why does Mr. Grey come here to Monument so often?”

“To keep in touch. He brings a special bonus of money twice a year. He also drops in to keep me up to date on developments. He also brings reassurances that we’re still safe. Once in a while, he probes my memory for some lost fact, some overlooked detail that subsequent developments have made important. And there’s another reason. He’s never mentioned this reason – I only suspect it. I think he’s keeping an eye on me.”

“But why?”

“I don’t really know. Maybe to see that I haven’t been reached by the other side.”

They were always on the move during these conversations, talking in snatches as they strolled the streets, visited the bazaar at St. Jude’s Church, exchanging information as Adam aimed the ball at three wooden bottles arranged in a pyramid. Once they went to a drive-in movie and his father had turned down the speaker while they conversed. A John Wayne film was on the screen – Adam had forgotten the title. But he remembered asking his father why all these precautions with Mr. Grey were necessary ten years after testimony and threats.

Watching John Wayne swagger across the street, gun riding low on his hip, his father said, “Because nobody knows how powerful these organizations – maybe there’s more than one – are today. Nobody knows how far they might have penetrated the government.”

Adam was reluctant to use a certain word but he went ahead anyway, pulling his eyes away from John Wayne on the screen. “Does it involve the Mafia, Dad?” The word sounded ridiculous coming from him – melodramatic, belonging on a movie scsreen, maybe, but not in their lives.

“I can’t say who or what, Adam. For your own protection. Anyway, the Mafia is only a handy word for people to use. There are a lot of words to describe the same thing. As far as time is concerned, the evidence I gave has been used and reused. But there’s a catch. No one knows whether I divulged all the information, everything I knew. That’s another reason for all this surveillance. And maybe it’s the real reason for Grey’s trips here. He keeps probing for more information and I tell him there isn’t anymore, that I’ve held nothing back. And he just looks at me. That look gives me the chills. Sometimes, I think I’m an annoyance to him, an embarrassment. Sometimes, when he visits, we sit there like enemies. Or as if we’re playing a crazy game that neither of us believes in anymore but the game has to go on …

T. This information your father talked about. Did he ever reveal its nature?
A. No.
T. Weren’t you curious about it? After all, the information changed your lives.
A. He said he couldn’t tell me, for my own protection, and I didn’t press him for the information.
T. He said he told Grey that he was not holding anything back. Was he specific to you about that?
A. I don’t know what you mean.
T. I mean, did you ever ask him whether he was telling Grey the truth or whether he was just being clever?
(9-second interval)
T. Why this sudden silence? You are looking at me in a strange manner.
A. I think it’s just the opposite. You’re looking at me very strangely. It reminds me of what my father said about Mr. Grey. My father said the look on Mr. Grey’s face gave him the chills. As if they were enemies. And that’s the way you were looking at me a minute ago, that look on your face when you asked about the information —
T. I am sorry that you were disturbed by the expression on my face. I, too, am human. I have headaches, upset stomachs at times. I slept badly last night. Perhaps that’s what you saw reflected on my face.
A. It’s good to find out you’re human. Sometimes I doubt it.
T. I understand. It is just as well if you take out your anger on me. I don’t mind.
A. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
T. Whenever we approach truths, basic truths that you’ve been trying to deny or hide, you turn upon me. But I understand. I am the only other target that’s available.
A. What do you mean – the only other target? Who’s the first target then?
T. Don’t you know?
A. You mean – me? I get tired of all this – the way you twist things all the time.
T. You see? The anger again. Just as it happened when we were approaching an important area.
A. What area?
T. The information your father had, the information you say he didn’t give you.
(15-second interval)