This post is a must-read. Thank you SO much, Marisa, for linking to it.
My whole heart and soul just says YES to something like that, in response.
How inspirational, how difficult, how beautiful. It’s a very challenging post … and I love it for that reason.
To those who are new to me (and others, too, what the hell) some thoughts on the journey of my blog and those who “relish their own rightness” below:
I have lots of thoughts about it – that struggle has played itself out on my blog from time to time – since when I started my blog I was one who (for my own reasons – we all have our reasons) ‘relished my rightness’. I started my blog in 2002, when I was very angry about a lot of things. Naturally, I attracted a lot of angry people as readers. Which was great at the time. It was energizing and validating.
I’ve got a terrible temper, and I’m a good writer. It can make for some explosive reading.
But I found it, eventually, to be not just an unpleasant way to live – but actually dangerous for my wellbeing. I use the word “toxic”, and I mean it quite literally.
It soon became a huge problem – and it continues to this day – not as bad as it was before, since I regularly ban people now, delete comments, etc. – but it STILL is a problem. I don’t see that kind of disconnect on other personal sites (that’s key. My site is PERSONAL. I make no bones about it, and don’t pretend to be an “important” blogger) So with other personal sites, it seems the readership reflects the blogger. You know, if there’s a blogger who is some Carrie Bradshaw-type girl writing about her dates in Manhattan – she, in general, does not attract people who are in a rage at single city girls. She doesn’t attract hordes of angry family-values types lecturing her on her slutty ways. She may get drivebys in that manner – if someone else links to her and she gets a bunch of newbies commenting – but in general, she will attract a readership of those who accept her way of life – maybe they are single, maybe they are not – but they love living vicariously through her, maybe they like her writing, they find her an interesting person to visit every day. What I’m trying to say is: She doesn’t attract a readership who don’t agree with the very basics of her life. She can just write, freely. But the majority of my readership at first – (it’s much more balanced out now, thank God – but that was only because I worked to get a more balanced audience) thought actors were stupid – thought the books I talked about were “snooty” – they thought obsessing about the movies or the Oscars was stupid – they didn’t agree with how I spent my free time, basically. Or I would write a post like this and have a misogynist (and he was a regular – not a driveby!) show up and rail at me about how stupid women are and how THAT POST is why I was single.
The hostility in his response took my breath away. Naturally, I deleted the comment. Lots of people disagree with that policy of mine, but I’m totally cool with it. He then emailed me, whining that someone had “stolen” his email and left that comment. What? Oh, really, big tough guy who thinks WOMEN are the stupid ones? Did someone STEAL your email? Now, on the flipside: I get that some people would have a strong reaction to a post like that. I really do. I get that people don’t like emotionality, or hearing about someone who is upset and beside themselves with despair. But his immediate reaction of pointing-fingers at me – when I was just working something out in my head, trying to write down an experience that really changed me – showed that there was a huge disconnect between me and a lot of the folks who showed up every day. I knew my story had rocked him. I mean, I know that. He had read the whole thing, mind you. It takes about 20 minutes to read. And he stuck with it. And then felt the need to tell me how stupid I was, and how of COURSE I was single if I was that unstable. I get that people’s buttons are pushed. But I am more interested in having readers who can say, “You know what … my buttons were really pushed reading that … I wonder why … Maybe it’s because – blah blah blah [share own personal story]”. To some people, leaving a comment like that on a blog would be unheard of. Where is the position then? Where is the opinion, the STANCE?
And so this was not on the level of someone disagreeing with my opinion on Forrest Gump (although that happened, too) This was on the level of them not thinking that movies were worth discussing at all. You know, I’d write an “elegy” for Marlon Brando, and someone would show up and say, “Big Famous Politician/Statesman died last year and didn’t get NEARLY this much press.” But … but … I’m writing about Brando. I’m not “the media”. I’m just one girl writing about what interests me. You are misunderstanding the entire point of my blog. This was on the level of them thinking that I was, basically, an irritating companion. And again, that’s fine. I find lots of people irritating. I just don’t read their blogs!
Something seriously had to change. A purge, if you will. I wasn’t feeling “free” on my own blog – because the “relishing their rightness” crowd was too loud (they’re always the loudest).
I can certainly go there, on occasion – meaning: oh hell yes, I have my “righteous” side. But I will not, I refuse to, LIVE there. (Reading Scott Peck’s People of the Lie was a total revelation for me, in this regard. Wow. Highly recommended – almost frighteningly so. Speaking of which – it’s funny – if you take a look at the comments to that post I just linked to, you’ll get an idea of what I was dealing with at the time. Many of those people at the start of the thread no longer comment here – but once Bryan and CW and Chai-rista and David and peteb started taking over the conversation, later, we could actually TALK. We could actually DISCUSS the issues in a deep and personal way. Great conversation! But before then, it was a struggle with people who LED with their biases and opinions – you could barely get past the fact that the article I mentioned was in The New York Times – that IMMEDIATELY discounted it for these people – you can see it clearly. So they were actually proving Scott Peck’s point better than I ever could, but we’ll leave that for another day.)
And so it takes work for me to NOT go there. I have to be on point with myself, I have to really be vigilant. I have to be careful of what I let influence me, and who I let close to me. Not because I don’t want to change – but because I’m sensitive, frankly. I personally can’t hang around people who are negative all the time. Because the temptation is too great for me to wallow there with them … and then the quality of life just plummets. I cannot afford that.
Because I could be the most righteous queen-bitch of them all. But what a miserable way to live. All I can do is keep writing the way I want to write – and write for the audience I want (rather than write defensively for the righteous crowd, anticipating what they will say and coming up with counter-arguments- which is what happened at first, and my writing suffered) … and also protect my turf.
I wrote a post about plagiarism once – and two people immediately focused on my 4th grade teacher and what a moron she was for not recognizing the plagiarized words … which comPLETELY missed the point of the post, the deeper point … and it was because those were people who need to be right, who relish their rightness, who have a hard time just talking about things withOUT being positional, and black/white. It HAD to be someone’s fault, SOMEONE had to be stupid … and so by veering off into that tangent (which many people would never do – because they are, like myself, interested in another kind of conversation – more contemplative, more willing to discuss and listen – those are the readers I want) – but anyway, by veering off into that tangent, they missed the point – and any time I get the sense that someone is “relishing their rightness”, I have to put a stop to it.
On the blog, as I switched the focus, back to who I really am – which is someone who loves to obsess about things, and celebrate things – once the rage crisis had passed – it became apparent that many people could not follow me. They were too into being “right” all the time. Or not even … it was that “relishing their rightness” was WHO these people WERE. It’s in them – it’s not something they DO, it’s just who they were. So even if I was chatting about the Oscars, or James Joyce – that same tone would come through in my comments section. It was so inappropriate for me, and who I am – and the people I choose to spend my time with. I remember Mental Multivitamin saying in one of her marvelous Shakespeare posts:
I’d rather discuss Hamlet than attempt to persuade someone of Shakespeare’s value.
Amen. But I found myself in the bizarre position of not being able to write about what I wanted to write about – without having people question the VALUE of what I was talking about. I would rather discuss Marlon Brando than attempt to persuade someone of Marlon Brando’s value.
I don’t care if you disagree about my opinion on Forrest Gump. That’s actually fun. But if you think it’s a waste of time to even talk about movies in a serious way … and if you condescend to the entire craft of it and those who revere it … then no. There is no place for you here. I STILL get this, though – I STILL struggle with it. However, now I just delete the comments. I’ve had it. I’ve been getting more of the kind of readership I really want, so that’s cool.
It is not so much that I never think I’m right – I obviously do … but the kind of “rightness” she describes in that post – is what I’m talking about. People who do that – constantly (and it doesn’t matter what the topic – these people show up on my blog, relishing their rightness – spouting their grievances, whatever it is – EVERYTHING brings up the same response in them) – people who do that actually occur to me as a virus. That’s what it feels like. Talk about “wrongness”. My spirit just does NOT want to let them in. I have boundaries. I have barriers up. Not so much because I am convinced that they are wrong and I am right … but because I recognize myself in that posturing self-righteousness. I recnognize myself in their ranting/railing “everyone’s stupid” monologues. I could go there.
I choose not to. And sometimes it takes all the strength that I have – and I certainly would have probably tried to claw that guy’s eyes out at the ATM if he spoke to me like that.
But again: I think she’s interested in making a deeper point, a point about how we live – how we encounter others – and how we struggle with our own feelings of being right, and not just being right – but RELISHING in the rightness.
That’s what makes me uncomfortable, too – and why I can’t give that mindset an inch on my site. Because it’s not just a discussion of the mistakes of others – which I actually really like to do – Alex and Mitchell and I have had long interesting conversations about, say, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears … we’re really interested in what the hell is going on with those girls …
But no. What it usually becomes is a mob scene of people RELISHING their own rightness. Looking for someone to point the finger at – it’s gotta be SOMEONE’S fault. And that, to me, has the ugliness of the crowd in “The Lottery”, and nope, I ain’t participating.
And so that post I linked to way up above – has really REALLY spoken to me today. I haven’t written this post all that well – because I’m just trying to get my thoughts down as they come … but it had a huge impact. I really needed to hear it.
Yes, yes, yes.
Wow. Thank you for that link – and your follow up to it. What a lot to chew on.
Thanks for that link, as I commented to the writer I’ve been on the receiving end, and on the striving to be compassionate end, but I’ve also been on the ‘oh so right’ end myself (though I’m usually smart enough to do this in my head instead of out loud, I don’t always succeed). It was a wise post.
Sorry to say it, Sheil. But I think you’re wrong.
Hee hee.
i’m really glad you didn’t quit when people were doing that to you. and i’ve got to say, i love the community [[and its sometimes-bizarre comment discussions]] you managed to set up here at “red”.com, which sounds like it could be an online dating service, only it’s much better. i don’t know what i did before i found your site, but i’m glad i’ve spent time here since. thanks, sheila!
I never know what you’re going to write next.
Best thing about you.
I have a policy at my blog: I respond to emails and comments, yes. But I don’t do drama. I am not interested in “certain” things and will not be bullied into discussing them,
By the way, visit my blog on Super Tuesday. Non-event planned.
Great post, thanks for linking to it.
Have to say that I love your blog precisely *because* you obsess about the things you love.
Thanks for linking to that post. I’ll bet that guy told that.. I’m so good and she’s so stupid story 20 times that day. That was his reward. Sad.
I liked Forest Gump and I loved your post on why you don’t. Keep on obsessing.
Can’t wait for your take on Come Back Little Sheeba.
As you know, I am one of those who initially missed your political commentary, and I am someone who is occasionally “rigid” in my own rightness. However, I have watched as many sites I once enjoyed daily have been ruined by a descent into incessantly smug, self-righteous bickering. After a while, the deplorable level of discourse in the comments seems to infect everything on the site, and the whole thing morphs into a mostly thoughtless bitchfest. So, I think you made a wise decision back when–frankly, why shouldn’t your site be about what you want it to be about? Seems self-evident and reasonable to me. There are times when I see comments on other sides, and wonder, “What are you trying to prove? Why are you trying to start an argument where one doesn’t exist? And why all the over-heated rhetoric?” It’s all driven me away from several places I used to enjoy.
I spent a large portion of my adult life needing to be right (personally I think it was a reaction to not feeling I had a “voice” when I was younger and having been stepped on too much – I reacted violently against that) and I became domineering and relished SHOWING OTHER PEOPLE THAT THEY WERE WRONG. Then I spent years in a relationship with someone who needed that more than I did. And I saw how I had made other people feel. Firsthand, an upclose and tremendously uncomfortable view of what I had been to other people.
I almost completely let go of my desire to be right. Because someone else being AWARE that I am right and they are wrong – that’s not worth ruining their day. That’s never worth making someone else feel smaller. Everytime – on someone’s blog, to a stranger in a parking lot, to a significant other we are arguing with – we choose to self righteously and indignantly declare ourselves RIGHT and show that other person just how wrong we think they are – we make the world an uglier place. Usually it’s completely unecessary, and if it IS necessary then there’s a better way to go about it.
I love that you made that concious choice. I love that you talk about whatever is right for you (while my blog is less personal, your variety of topics and abandon with your obsessions has helped me feel a freedom to do whatever I feel like with my own blog and I thank you for that). I love that you delete comments that don’t work for you. This is Sheila’s place – so she sets the rules. That’s how it should be.
Can I segway (totally mispelt) a little? Both of these were great insights. Touching on Britney has me thinking. If she dies or everything goes completely, utterly pearshaped (beyond what it is now), will anyone sue the media and paparazzi? She is like America’s Di, and we are currently watching her being hounded out of her mind – whether she is mentally ill or not, the pressure she is living under is a significant contributing factor to her deteriorating mental state. Is there no law that can protect her, and get the vultures to back off of her not dead carcass? That’s what they are, they are swooping around her as if they have caught the scent of death and are waiting for the feast. I watched a video of her at a grocery store or gas station or outside her house or somewhere, and it was insane. She could not take a step without a crowd of men shouting at her, calling her name, flashing bulbs.
I have lived with paranoia, real political paranoia and it is not an easy way to live; the creepy, always-there feeling of being watched and judged ALL THE TIME by unseen eyes. It seeps into your mind and changes you, your behavior, the way you relate to others. I can hardly imagine what it must be like for Britney to live under the conditions she is faced with now, what it is doing to her mental state. But I know it is warping it and hurting it.
So who is going to speak up for Britney? Who is going to stop it before she dies, or snaps irreparably? Who is going to re-write the laws to protect her and others like her? Courting fame is one thing, feasting on the living dead is another. No one deserves that, not Britney, not Anna Nicole, not Amy Winehouse, not even Paris Hilton.
Princess Di chased to her death in a Paris tunnel. Britney is being hounded out of her mind in Malibu. Can’t the hounders be held responsible?
Yes, I want to know what happens to Britney – I know as a consumer I have a complicit role. But I don’t want my mild curiosity about her (which is created, by the way, by the coverage of her, so it’s a chicken-egg thing) to be what drives the engine of her madness. The media that reports on her does not have to employ the methods they are using to get the story.
I hope it doesn’t take Britney dying or completely losing her mind to get changes in the law or whatever it would take to call the dogs off and keep them off her, the way it took Rebecca Schaffer being shot to start the ball rolling for stalker laws.
Thank you, Sheila, for letting me get this off my chest. I suppose I can tie it in a little by saying that the exploitation of our desires to be right should not be sucking the life and sanity out of anyone else. Britney is an extreme example of how destructive that is.
And I love your blog. :-)
Carrie – I couldn’t agree with you more. The general TONE of the conversation about starlets-in-trouble makes me deeply uncomfortable – with its nasty gossipy chewing-the-cud GLEE that I sense in people. I stay far away from those conversations. They are nasty. Self-righteous. There’s a “serves her right” subtext. Ugly ugly ugly.
And yes – with your experience of REAL paranoia, and REAL persecution – I can imagine that there is quite a bit of sympathy for people in such ridiculous situations.
Britney is now hanging out with the bottom feeders. The stories about her manager and how he treats her makes me sick. She is dating one of the photographers who hounded her. It’s a looking-glass world. It’s like a beast – and anything she does – feeds that beast, and makes it stronger.
Of course she is complicit in this – she goes to the 711 every other minute, knowing she will be followed – but that’s my issue with most of the bitchy commentary about her. That’s where people stop. In the relishing how RIGHT they are about how STUPID she is. “She’s a celebrity! She asked for fame! And now she doesn’t want it? Serves her right.”
Nope. I won’t go there. There is always a deeper level.
Sally Field gave an interesting interview recently about the different in the media between her days as a young star and now. It is like night and day. I watch the footage of Britney surrounded – and it seems at any moment it could turn violent. It’s really scary.
Marisa – it takes great self-knowledge and work to really change a pattern like that. It really does. I applaud it. I work on it – almost on a daily basis, it’s that much of a challenge for me. But I do not want to be negative, angry, bitter, and self-righteous. So I work at it. It’s hard.
// That’s never worth making someone else feel smaller.//
I so agree.
Yo. To all the new readers – AND to everyone who’s been here for years – and were able to make the transition with me: I appreciate you more than I even know how to say. Thanks.
I wonder about the 7/11 trips; does it seem as if she is there all the time because of the amount of footage from one trip, are we getting a distorted image (of course we are). It hit home with me when I thought about when I go to get gas, or pop into the local drugstore or grocery shop, and imagined it as Britney experiences it:
Before I even open my door there’s men shouting for me, and their voices grow louder as they see my shadow moving towards the front door. It is obvious they want me because of the way they are calling. As soon as I open the door I hear the sound of hundreds of shutters clicking and am blinded by flickering flashes. The men’s voices are louder. I am greeted by a surge of flesh, pressing in on me. I push my way thru the lights to my car, have trouble getting in. I think I will have a moment’s peace when the windows of the car are up and I pull out but I can see the photographers on their motorbikes waiting and I am followed in the street. Even the cars in the lane next to me are following me and attempting to take my photo. It is hard to drive because it’s a little frightening if the other cars are going to hit me. I only go a short distance because of this, and stop at the nearest shop. I get out of my car and am greeted again by the swarm of men. (It is always men, very few women.) In the shop I am conscious of their presence outside and the back of mind worries are any of the people in the shop following me (they probably are, however discreetly). I am conscious that everything I look at and touch will be analyzed when I leave. It’s inhibiting and strange. When I go to pay it’s an odd exchange, the cashier struck dumb. I exit to the same swarm.
It is scary. Imagine that every single day of your life, and in Britney’s case, for like, what, the last 3 or 4 years of that intensity? How can that not affect her mind, her moods, her behavior? How could anyone retain a semblance of sanity living their life like that 24/7? No privacy whatsoever. It does something to your head. Whoever you were before, you become different.
I think in her case, playing to an audienece as she has done from a young age, and being surrounded by a horde of men is a big factor for her. That swarm alone cannot be a healthy influence, that constant buzz in the background.
I’m not absolving Britney of her sins – whatever they may be. But I am interested in where and how the brakes get applied. I think at this point it is completely out of her control. So who or what can step in for her? Her family isn’t – there’s mixed issues there, anyway. She has no friends. Does the state have any responsiblity – can the police step in and protect her – disperse the swarm?
What would you do? Who would you call? Who could you call?
(And your blog is great because it has space and time to look for the ‘deeper levels’ – as well as the Charmin Public Loos)
Carrie – in general, one of my issues with many of the folks who were attracted to my blog at first – is that when I would try to write about something like this and NOT assign blame – it’s like their little wee heads popped off in rage. There’s a WAY that these things are discussed – on other sites, on the news, on gossip sites – and that doesn’t interest me. Not only does it not interest me – but like I said: it’s toxic for me.
And yes: who would you call?
It’s terrifying to think. There were recent pictures of her sitting by the side of the road, weeping, sitting on a rock – and there are 5000 pictures of it … Something is WRONG here – with her. She courts fame – because she doesn’t know any other way – and when those people LOVE you, there is probably nothing better. But when they turn on you – my God, it’s (again) like The Lottery. We will throw rocks at you until you fall. And we will take pictures all the way.
Then there are people like Angelina Jolie who was like, “Okay. I’m going to go have my baby in fucking NAMIBIA. Try to follow me there, paparazzo.” It still has to be nuts for her – but she obviously has a better head on her shoulders than Britney. She has actively removed herself (as much as she can!!) from that flashbulb.
Oh and speaking of Charmin: this is the weirdest thing: that building has been vacant for a year. It’s prime real estate, in the middle of Times Square – who would leave it empty?? And if you peeked thru the doors (and yes, I did) – you could still see those damn Charmin bears dancing on the walls.
THEN. Oh my God!! A couple weeks before Christmas, I was walking by – I heard the telltale dipshit music, I saw the staff dancing on the sidewalk – and thought: !!!! IT’S OPEN AGAIN! And now I have a camera – a real camera!! I have to go back and document it!
But I never got around to it and the week after Christmas, the damn place was closed again.
I totally don’t get it.
I mean, I get that they would want to be open during the holidays, when the crowds are quadrupled … but to leave it vacant for a year … like: how does that work??
I’m so bummed – it seems I have missed my chance to go back there, wearing a burqa, and signing in saying that I’m from Turkmenistan. Just to put Turkmenistan on the “Flush O Meter World Map”. Member that whole plan I had???
hahahahahahaha
The whole Flush O Meter Map plan. HAHAHA. Complete with costume and accents. And research.
They don’t know what they missed.
And yeah, the whole idea of this “now I’m open, now I’m closed” public toilet extravaganza – sometimes servicing the public, randomly, sometimes not…it’s cracking me up the idea of it but I suppose it’s highly appropriate, considering the fact that usually when you need to use a public toilet it’s out of order anyway…
The Great Flush O Meter Map Plan of 2007, mmmm yeah I remember that lol
Ok and here I contribute to the Britney Swarm of Bees by saying – did you SEE the pics of Angelina and Brad at the SAG awards, and how glowing the two of them looked?? I looked at those photos mainly because they looked so HAPPY in them. It was nice to see. And am I bad for hoping she is pregnant? No wonder the swarm follows these people, look what it does to us out in the public sphere.
Carrie – I love those photos, too!! He was obviously making her laugh – which was charming to see – she seems to find him a hoot.
See I don’t feel bad about looking at photos of them – they seem pretty much in charge of themselves, grownups, and not mentally ill.
And yeah, I NEED to get The Sudan listed onto the Flush O Meter. I am on a mission!!
Charming, that’s a good word for those pics.
We cracked ourselves up that night, didn’t we, hunting for obscure places in the world, debating about what the North Korean person was doing in New York that had a pitstop at the Charmin Pooper included, oh, man, just typing Pooper has me in fits now. Getting a “Pooper” badge. The handclap. YAY FOR YOU!
See now that is the sort of fun your blog is all about. Toilet humor.
Mwhahah. Didn’t they have a slide?
just as simply as we have ‘do not call’ laws in place that prohibit telemarketers and the like from invading our private lives, shouldn’t there be laws, already, that prevent the paparazzi from invading celebrities’ lives? everytime we purchase one of those gossip rags that celebrates those photographs, are we just perpetuating and making allowances for this behavior?
EEH – well, the desire is there in the public, you’re right! And because the news cycle is now 24 hours – and these girls have no protection, no studio to shield them (like the actresses in days of yore) – it’s a ravenous beast that will not stop until it is full.
Carrie – I do not remember a slide, but the disco ball will be emblazoned in my memory for all time!
Oh, and just to put the nail in the coffin on this TYPE of conversation:
There are those whose naked loathing of actors permeates every conversation about art. No matter what. There is hatred towards actors – perhaps of the power of such people, their influence – whatever. Or maybe it’s just a throwback to the olden days when actors weren’t allowed proper Christian burials. That attitude is alive and well – and the SNEERING at celebs is what I have created my entire comment policy around – and frankly, there are some people who just are unable, literally, to follow the comment policy.
For the most part, those people have fallen off on their own. Once they realized the rules changed … and that I wasn’t even going to fight with them anymore – just delete their comments, they lost interest in commenting. Buh-bye.
Carrie – another thing I wanted to do (and good lord, who knows why) is dress up in a 19th century dress – complete with massive bonnet – and go visit the Charmin store – and treat it all as though it were perfectly normal. And have my friend Allison stand across the street, or at the top of the escalator – always at a distance – and take photos of me.
I thought it would be hysterical.
Louisa May Alcott in the Charmin Poop-Store.
I’m going to risk being banned, but here goes:
I don’t blame the paparazzi. Not for Britney, not for Diana, not for anything.
Am I obsolving them from ALL responsibility? Heavens no. I do think there should be some sort of “safe zone” for all photographers — news, paparazzi, whatever. With camera lenses what they are today, there is no reason to LITERALLY stick a camera in someone’s face. Across the street? Behind the rope on the red carpet? Fine by me. But no closer.
But to say that they have a “responsibility” to NOT take pictures? Not to do their job? I’m not comfortable with that. As painful as it is to watch (and I’m as guilty as anyone*), Britney is news. There is a market for her, and The Media is only providing what the market demands.
Now, having said that: I do think OUR need to know everything about everybody is out of control. But also most celebs need to feed that need, so it’s a vicious circle, in my opinion.
And call me cynical, but I believe it’s possible to be a celebrity, be a famous actor or musician, and not have every move you make splashed across the tabloids. I think most of the tabloid regulars have people around them whose job it is to constantly keep them in the public eye. I just believe that TMZ doesn’t happen across Lindsey Lohan shopping at Ralph’s — someone called and said, “She’ll be at Ralph’s at 4:30.” Am I right? I don’t really know. I think I am.
*As someone who is borderline bipolar and having been very close to someone who is full-blown batshit crazy from the disease, I cannot believe that the courts cannot step in and force Britney into treatment. Yes, she is an adult, but she is teetering on the edge of incompetency, if not already fully incompetent. When my friend went over the deep end, her brother got her committed even though she was not really “a danger to herself or others.” I don’t know what the law is in CA, but in Arkansas it worked.
Relishing rightness: Yep, me too. I can even tell you my thought process, more or less. It’s something like, “Yippee! I’m right, so I can be angry and nobody can delegitimize it!”
I’m no sociologist nor psychologist, nor clergyman, but I, in my quaint way, observe that at least some people today, for whatever reason, are looking for an excuse to be ‘legitimately’ angry, as if they need that outlet.
Lisa – girl, I’d never ban you! You’re my friend! You got to me through googling “St. Elmo’s Fire” – I mean, come on!!
And the WAY you are talking about this issue – does what I am comfortable with: it sees both sides. If there is a SNEER at the very thought that actors might be bothered by paparazzi and for a very good reason – then that’s when I have a problem.
And I absolutely believe that Britney courts these people!! But that’s part of the madness! not saying I have a solution – I’m just saying that the sneering at her, and the pointing-fingers of how stupid she is, just really is the ugliest side of humanity.
It’s almost like she’s in such a weird state that she feels like she doesn’t exist if they aren’t taking pictures of her. It’s got to be so bizarre. Any NORMAL person would have realized that she was under-prepared for the VMAs and backed out. But to her, she went ahead and created a debacle. It was better for her (in her mind) to be in the press than to not be.
And it’s sad – cause I actually really like her latest album. Which didn’t do too badly – even though she did ZERO publicity for it. (Meaning: zero conscious publicity. She didn’t do a tour, or do the round of talk shows, etc.)
Yes, and don’t get me wrong – I am not advocating censorship and don’t want to be curbing press freedoms in any way (and the boundaries of privacy and press freedom is an interesting discussion itself). I am just concerned that at this point, with regards to Britney, it is so out of control, her sanity is at risk, and the over-the-top swarm appears to be contributing to her state.
I don’t doubt tip offs happen and have happened in Britney’s case but it appears now that she is followed constantly, 24/7. Go on TMZ or X17 and they have round the clock reports. She is being gang-stalked.
I do think she can take a back-seat and create a lower-profile; it’s not impossible to do, but I don’t think she is in anyway capable of doing that at this point.
Then again I guess there comes a point where you just wash your hands of it and let people live their lives how they want, and maybe she wants this.
But I can’t help but think that her grip on reality is totally distorted by the swarm that surrounds her, and that is a tragedy in itself.
So, Louisa May Alcott does Charmin Pooper? As if it’s totally normal? She would have to do the karaoke video thingy (what was that, anyway?).
Again, though – i think there’s a way to have a conversation about these things without becoming that “You are goddamn stupid” guy in the post I originally linked to.
That’s what I’m really interested in here.
The mob mentality makes me nervous!
Oh, sorry – one other thing about the “relishing rightness” crowd:
They are the ones who prize CONSISTENCY above all else. if you ever contradicted yourself – they would call you on it. They had a very linear unimaginative picture of life – and what they required of the bloggers they read.
Now I get that that might be appropriate if someone is writing about “important” issues – to call someone on inconsistencies – but with me? To throw a post back in my face from a year before saying, in the snotty tone that the righteous crowd does best, “Interesting that you would say this, because back in May 2004 you said THIS.’
Meanwhile, it’s about the relative merits of Drew Barrymore as an actress. Not the Middle East peace process.
Seriously. That kind of commentary is totally inappropriate on a site such as mine.
It mainly showed up in people reading me defensively. Trying to shoot me down, or cut me down to size … whatever … But again, reading me defensively is so ridiculous. If you have an issue with actors, with art, with the entire Northeast, with women – go take it someplace else. Stop projecting your problems onto me. Jesus Christ, this is a personal weblog.
I’m getting angry all over again! Waste of my time, those people.
Ouch.
To start with the whole sad Britney mess – I have to confess nothing but contempt for the behavior of the paparazzi. There’s an entire cottage industry devoted to the rise and then the destruction of celebrities, profiting off of both processes. That mob chasing her down are pretty much rioters and ought to be prosecuted for it. And sadly nobody seems able to get through to her to help; only to exploit. My heart just hurts for her. I truly hope she doesn’t wind up like Anna Nicole or Princess Di.
Part II: I will cop to feeling the need to be right – though I’m beginning to fight it. To tell the truth, it’s THE thing that my wife hates in me most. I care pretty passionately about doing things properly in my own life, but that spills over to a running kvetch about (for instance) other people’s cutting me off, signs in stores with extra apostrophes, and other niggling peeves. I mean – why do I care so much about whether some dude cuts me off in traffic? Obviously I don’t want to die, but I don’t really have a reason, just a reaction. And the thing that troubles me most about this is that it’s habitual now. When I stop to think I can avoid it; but it’s my instinct now to be critical of what I see.
And when it comes down to it, how much benefit does it bring me in my own life? When I do this to myself, I’m never happy about anything I do, and get more and more irritable. I can’t go five minutes without apologizing for things that nobody else has even noticed. Even when I do things well I think I should have done better. Inevitably it moves from the THINGS I’m doing onto ME, who is doing so many of those things. I must be a hopeless case.
To loop it back to the discussion about “People of the Lie,” what seems to happen is the inverse of Scott Peck’s observation – a person who cannot possibly imagine having any worth. Instead of unassailable pride you get unassailable despair (if it goes on long enough).
One helluva post here, Sheila. Bravissima.
And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this discussion came from a “mommy blog.” There is NO other subject on the blogosphere — Britney or nay — that inspires more “relishing in rightness” than parenting.
I’ll confess that I read a lot of them; mostly bloggers that were infertile who then had a baby. (As someone who struggled with mild infertility, I found their stories compelling. Then I read about their struggles with a newborn, baby, etc. Basically now I read them out of habit.) The judging and the relishing would freaking curl your hair.
NO ONE says, “My baby does X. We deal with X by doing Y. Your baby may benefit from doing Y, or not. If you do Y, that’s fine. If you do Z, that’s cool too.” NO ONE. It’s all, “DO Y!!! Only people who truly love their babies do Y. I mean, you COULD do Z, but then you’d being raising a serial killer.”
They need a chill pill with their relish.
While I do think the paparazzi are out of control and there needs to be legislation that specifically lays out what are and are not acceptable (i.e. safe) practices, I do think that there are celebrities who handle the storm. Sheila’s example of Brad and Angelina is a perfect one. They are second only to Britney in media glare and they manage to keep the coverage to a minimum and exert some control over their media exposure. It IS possible.
The big problems are often for celebrities like Britney who have a more complicated relationship with the paparazzi and who don’t maintain boundaries. As with so many things in life, a lack of boundaries can cause no end of mental anguish.
I think it’s sad that so many people say, “This is what celebrity is, they wanted it – they have to live with it.” Do I deserve to see what some woman looks like with no make-up on simply because she has been sucessful as an actress and I go to her films? Are we owed some glimpse into their backyard, their children’s first day at school, their intimate moment on a balcony while on vacation? I am of the opinion that that is not a part of the deal.
Old Hollywood studios created the photo-op, the “glimpses into everyday life” staged for movie magazines, the carefully managed public appearances and arranged romances. Then the system evolved and the public still expected an insider’s view, but while stars got the benefit of the studio no longer controlling their image or their life – they also lost the studio’s protection.
Now they have to hire a staff to manage any public outing, plan carefully to avoid the public eye and be mindful of what they wear when going to the grocery store. When a young woman struggling with some form of mental illness forgets to wear underwear one night and a sea photographers manage to get indecent photographs of her which are then spread across the internet like wildfire – something is terribly wrong.
The media needs to change, people should realize that their bloodlust for a public fall is grotesque and cruel and makes them complicit, and until then celebrities need to maintain boundaries – much like the Jolie-Pitt clan attempt to – in order to weather the storm.
As a side note, I don’t see Britney or Anna Nicole as comparable to Princess Di, personally. Anna Nicole and Britney both participated in their media circus (sadly, Britney probably does due to her media frenzied childhood/teen years) and Diana assiduously avoided the public eye unless it was for coverage of one of her many causes. My personal feeling is that the situations and the women are quite different. I wouldn’t say anything about it, but I rather thought a lot of how Diana handled herself in the public in spite of her emotional difficulties.
You don’t have to be 100% consistent…but if you suddenly say it was a good idea, dramatically speaking, to have five witches in Thirty-Minute Macbeth, all bets are off.
Lisa – wow, that’s an awesome point about mommy bloggers. I didn’t even make that connection.
You are not kidding that the relishing their rightness crowd has made mothering a living HELL for many!! Most of my friends who are mothers talk about the “drivebys” of people – the formula thing, breastfeeding – just being self-righteous BUSYBODIES. My God!! As if being a new mom isn’t hard enough!!
Ken – I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT. I WAS A VICTIM!!!
Lisa – member Chez Miscarriage? I know you do! Man, I STILL miss her blog and her humor and writing, and all that. What a breath of fresh air she was.
I know, I know…teach me not to put the wink on. Sorry. ;-)
I read a few mommy bloggers but none of them are like that. They’re all, “Yeah, I know I’m not supposed to let my kid have pudding for dinner and her socks didn’t match at school today but she GOT to school, she ate SOMETHING and we’re all still breathing. WOO-HOO!” I kind of love that. I don’t think I’d find the opposite approach to be appealing reading.
oh, and kind of the relishing your rightness track – There are film moments that encapsulate that because the savvy filmmaker knows that audiences love to see the underdog or their favorite character have that moment of crowing over their undeniable RIGHTNESS.
Personal favorite – silly though it may be (but also harmless, really) – Julia Roberts. Pretty Woman. You know the moment I mean.
She stands there transformed from her low rent hooker garb into Fifth Avenue princess, arms laden with shopping bags and she comes into the chic boutique, smiles brightly at the evil saleswoman and says, “You work on comission, right?
(armloads of bags raise into the air in demonstration…)
….BIG mistake. HUGE.”
And the whole audience relishes her rightness.
Marisa – ha! Yes!! those are very satisfying moments. Revenge is, after all, sweet – especially when someone has been treated so unfairly!
Mimi Smartypants is a good example of the mommy blogger Marisa mentions. I wished I lived in Chicago so I could stalk her.
In their defense, most of the time it’s not the blogger who gets all self-righteous, it’s the commenters. For example, Julie at alittlepregnant had to give up on breastfeeding. Her son was born premature and had problems with the whole process, plus there were some supply issues, blah blah blah. That’s not the point. The point was she wrote that not only had she stopped the whole thing, she ::gasp:: DIDN’T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.
Well, let me tell you, the shit hit. the. fan. I’ve never seen such vitriol wrapped in condescension (now with more patronization!) in my life. She’d only changed the way she fed her baby, but to read the comments, you would’ve thought she set motherhood back 100 years.
Nightfly – your honesty about yourself is so awesome. I really really appreciate you sharing that – I think so many of us can relate to that! (And I had to laugh at the extra apostrophe apoplexy – something which I share!)
But eventually it does come down to quality of life.
And what does the need to be RIGHT cost you?
I ask myself those questions on almost a daily basis and it sounds like you grapple similarly. This is true whether it’s a failed relationship (and how good it feels sometimes to turn the one who rejected you into something evil, and how RIGHT you are – even if it’s about being wronged!!) – or someone cutting you off or being unnecessarily rude.
Sometimes the rudeness of others comes across as an ASSAULT. it is so true. But I can’t control a lot of that – and I can control my reaction. It takes work though!!
I don’t know if you’ve read People of the Lie – but I think you would reaaaaallly get a lot out of it. It’s about evil. And what Scott Peck thinks evil is. He believes in it – but his thoughts on what it actually is (at least in the realm of people’s psychologies) is so interesting.
There are times when a parent would RATHER have a sick (meaning: depressed, mentally ill) child than look WITHIN themselves as to how THEY might be contributing to their child’s misery. They just want their kid “fixed” – and when Peck would bring up … “well, maybe you two have to look at how you are behaving …” the wall would come down – no no no no no.
To Peck, “people of the lie” – people who actually are evil, in his mind – are those who REFUSE to grow. REFUSE.
And if relationships are ruined, if they lose contact with their son/daughter … well, that’s fine, because then THEY get to be RIGHT about how sick their child is … THEY get to stay “on top” – regardless of the cost.
They REFUSE to grow. Nope. And it’s not just “unconscious” – it is willful refusal. Really gives you chills … great book.
Lisa – I love Mimi Smartypants!
And you’re right: it’s the commenters.
I notice that on Pioneer Woman, too, especially since she has gotten so many new readers. You can SMELL the judgey-ness from some of these people – whether it’s about the cattle ranching industry, homeschooling vs. not homeschooling, or the fact that her kid has a scrape on his face.
Like: honestly, people. How does it feel to be Church Lady all the time? Come ON!
The infamous Dooce.com gets a lot of that. Heather’s a mother who has dealt with severe depression all her life and she’s very open about doing things the way she needs to do them to get them done – which I respect. But WOW does she get a lot of flak. I think there are people who read her blog just so they can tell her everytime she does something they deem to be stupid. Some of her commentors just seem to foam at the mouth with their desire to save her child from her.
It’s very strange.
Marisa – when she mentioned that she got hate mail because she got a puppy for Christmas …
I mean, some people have slipped off the rails!
I love when she POSTS her hate mail – even though much of it is really upsetting rabid stuff. But her comments on the hate mail are always hilarious.
Yeah. It kind of rocks that she’s at a place internally where she can laugh and go, “oh yeah? Well now I’m going to make fun of your screaming email fit in front of a bazillion people, you dumbass. Hahahahahaha.” and lets it slide off her back. That cannot have been an easy place to get to for someone who has had as significant issues with depression as she has.
That and her biting wit is very smart. Smart, dark and sharply funny make a dandy combination.
Nightfly – not to make your head explode even further in rage, but, uhm, feel the need to pass this link on.
Slinking away now ….
I’ve been a lurking reader for about two years now, but I just wanted to mention that I totally agree with everything that has been said. This blog was really the first I started reading, and when I went to some other blogs I was totally taken aback by the downright rudeness of some commenters. Whereas on this blog, the comments are often some of the funniest things EVER!
Also- in my Drama class, I did a scene from Doubt as Sister Aloysius, and it dawned on me that she was one of those people of the lie- unwilling to open her mind to alternatives or doubt- and when she finally does, it destroys her.
I heart Mimi Smartypants too! And I enjoy whatever red writes about (despite my own occasional bouts of ‘rightness’ – sadly I am HIGHLY opinionated and often not ) – my main complaint is that my place of employment block her site so I can’t read/comment as much as I’d like.
Apparently Ms. S is too subversive for my employer.
Oh, wow, Sheila–I remember reading that post Marisa linked to and had no words for my reaction (uh, freaked out, maybe?), but great job expressing your thoughts! The discussion here has been really enjoyable to follow. (And look, you even got a reader to de-lurk after two years–hi, Elizabeth!)
Elizabeth – wow, I had not thought of Sister Aloyiusus in that light – but man, you are right on the money. The resistance to doubt of any kind, not even letting it be a possibility – is one of the harbingers of a totally closed (and potentially dangerous) personality. Thanks for that!
And yes. I LOVE it when people de-lurk as you just did. It makes me feel good – you just never know who’s out there, reading – and it’s nice to put a face (screenname) to the traffic numbers.
Hope you feel free to comment again!
Dan – I do not understand why my site is blocked. How does that happen?? It’s not like I’m posting pornographic pictures with any regularity!
And about the “rightness” thing – I hope I made it clear in my post that I do not AT ALL absolve myelf of that kind of thinking. It’s just that I have invested in struggling against it, for my own wellbeing and blah blah blah. But I totally could GO there. Don’t want to make it sound like I have conquered it – and feel “beyond” it. It is because I do NOT feel “beyond” it that I have struggled against that kind of thinking. Just so I can be happier, hopefully.
BTW Sheila, since we have been talking a bit about your blog in this thread – I have to tell you that you’re not only on the first page of google image searches for Edie Sedgwick, you’re also on the first page for Sean Young. I was wondering what she looked like these days after all the hullabaloo and I scroll down and am like, “That’s not Sean Young! That’s Sheila!!!” So yeah, even if Dan’s work blocks you – you’re basically everywhere and taking over the interweb. Very cool. :)
And YAY for lurkers who decide to comment! Love that.
What a terrific post and what a fantastic series of comments by everyone. Sorry I didn’t get involved sooner (quick aside: have you ever checked a blog four or five times in one day – I do it often – and then see nothing new so you go away for a day, come back and there’s five new posts and five extended comment discussions that you have missed out on? And they all started ten minutes after your final check the day before. Happens to me with an alarming regularity).
There’s so much said here and in the linked post that I want to comment on but there’s just so much to say and discuss.
I don’t delete comments yet unless they’re spam but I don’t have nearly the readership you do. Also my blog is not personal in the way we’re talking about here (but it is very personal to me and my love of movies) so I get comments on movies and the occasional disagreement which I love exploring.
I have no interest in Britney but I know what you mean. I love the Oscars and let’s face it, they’re meaningless beyond being peer acknowledgement. So when a political leader steps down or a Prime Minister gets assassinated and I instead decide to write about Joseph Cotten not getting any Oscar nominations I don’t expect someone to chastise me for that. I am deeply interested in the machinations of global politics and economics and how it affects all of us BUT what I want to write about is movies. So if someone is looking to me to update them on world affairs they’ve come to the wrong place.
As for BEING RIGHT, I know we’ve all done it but I despise it when it comes to parenting. Before becoming a parent I can tell you confidently that I knew EXACTLY how to raise children. I was by all reasonable estimates the world’s leading authority on parenting. Then I became a parent. If I could I would go back now and find every parent I ever gave “advice” to and apologize profusely. People believe children are trained seals or automatons that will respond to programming by the parent and act accordingly. Excuse me one second – ha ha ha ha ha ha hahahahah hahaha hahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaa. Oh that’s rich. I love it when a self-righteous non-parent says things like, “Just tell them to stop doing that” or “If they were my kid they wouldn’t act that way” or any other brainless variation. I thought the same way. I’ve had my ire raised by a few “free-advisors” and usually respond like this: “Here’s the deal. Buy yourself a hamster or a guninea pig and then tell them to stop sharpening their teeth on wood chips. See how far you get. Report back to me.” Of course they just think I’m crazy. But here’s the other thing that bugs me: Let’s say I did whip my kids into shape by yelling at them, hitting them and scaring them into never doing wrong. Well, they’d hate me and always be afraid of me. Who in god’s name would want that as a parent?!!??!? And yet I hear people say things like, “That kid needs a good smack” or something else about discipline. Yeah, yeah, easy as hell to say when you’re not the one who has to live with and deal with the consequences.
All said, I know I’ve been RIGHT many times in my head and made some pretty assinine and judgmental statements to people. Every time I do I think about all the things people have said to me when they didn’t understand my circumstances and how much it annoyed/hurt. Then I stop myself.
My mom has had a sign up on the fridge at the home I grew up in for decades now. I’ve always liked it: “Some people think they’re generous because they give a lot of free advice.”
Jonathan – haha I love that statement on the fridge. Spare us from “free advice”!!
You are definitely part of what I consider to be my “new wave” of readers … ever since I started posting on House Next Door, etc. – and I really appreciate your presence here and your comments. They’re always great food for thought.
And Joseph Cotten is one of our best actors – a national treasure!!
Marisa – are you kidding me? That college makeup-class picture is now #1 on Google?? hahahaha There is something seriously wrong (and hysterical) with that!! Can you imagine Sean Young Googling herself and seeing THAT come up? How absurd!
I am definitely taking over the Internet. It’s all part of Special Ops’ master plan.
you have no idea how many posts i have written…and then deleted. and i did it for exactly the reasons you have discussed here.
and it is amazing how many people do live for what ‘da momma’ describes here:
“I realized then, that this man was in the dream senario. He was completely right, and I was completely wrong. And whatâs more, I was a stranger. Anything he said to me would have no reprecussions on the future.”
hell, how many times i have dreamed of this as well *and* been horrified by that aspect of myself. but here is the power of, not pacifism, not declaration of war, but of a thirdway:
“She threw me a dirty look, and I countered with a grin. âDo you ever think life would be way better if school started after cocktail hour?â
âMandatory margaritas,â she laughed.”
how i wish i could be that quick on my feet! that disarming little comment did exactly that: it disarmed them both. but instead my first response is usually some kind of awful, sarcastic retort. so what have i learned? silence is your friend.
Carrie – in case you come back to this post, looks like someone actually did intervene with Britney last night – and hospitalize her, etc. I feel this odd sense of relief, knowing she’s in protective care – even for a short while.
Sheila – that link was EVIL! =D I;m literally chewing on a pencil to keep from howling with laughter.
If nothing else – it can help you know that you are not alone in your annoyance!! I love that site – it’s hilarious and enraging at the same time.
I saw that. I really hope it works out for her.
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