Saying yes

Sunday was a pretty cold day, the storm clouds moving in. I was still sick (still am, but on the mend), so I spent the day inside in my pajamas, reading and cleaning and blogging and getting tax stuff ready, and hanging out with Hope. I also exchanged probably 30 emails with my cousin Mike. We were talking about other things (he made me laugh – we were talking about obsessions and he said something like, “You do realize that your friends and family all become obsessed with whatever you become obsessed with, because we basically have to. I’m still thinking about Patricia Neal having her stroke and her husband giving her tough love to make her recover!” hahahaha I had told him the whole Patricia Neal story while on a cell phone in the hallway at Brigham & Women’s hospital in Boston – random – Oh, no, it wasn’t random – Mike had sent me a box of books he had picked up, and one was Neal’s autobiography – so I was ranting and raving in the hallway about her failed love with Gary Cooper and Roald Dahl’s dickishness – but that was in September – so hysterical that he’s still thinking about it) … and out of the blue, Mike said, “Write something for me.” He gave me a couple of parameters, and then said, “GO.”

I’ve been sort of bored and aimless lately, due to my book being done and its being sent around now … not much to do with it anymore … just updates with ye olde agent and things like that … but that book took up not only almost two years of my life, timewise, but 80 or 90, sometimes 100% of my brainspace. It was ALWAYS there. So to be done with it … ? What the hell do I do with myself now? I need to start my second book obviously, but right now that is not possible. Anyway, I shared that with Mike – that I was feeling a little lost, without my big writing work … and, true to form, he said, “Write a short scene for me. It has to have these elements -” (he listed a couple) “and it needs to be about …” (gave me a couple of guidelines). “Do it now.” he wrote. “Go.”

I did. I started to write. Immediately. What a weird and fun challenge. Reminds me of acting class, or improv … don’t think or plan, just go.

It also reminds me of an awesome “challenge” I did on my blog once where I wrote down a list of random words and said, “Please somehow work all of these into a short story” – and look at the results!!! I am crying! Ricki outdid herself!! “She just wants to play mahjong.” I am howling! And Mr. Bingley contributed too – but seriously go read them. It’s beautiful because I gave the challenge, and immediately people across the country started scribbling away. And each piece written is so different, so specific – Bah. I just find it very funny, obviously, but also really touching. Look at people’s creativity!!

So Mike’s command came to me like that. It’s funny, sometimes I can feel myself resist stuff like that. Saying “yes”. Not for any particular reason, either – that’s the insidious part of it. What would be the point of saying, “I can’t … I’m busy” to what should actually be a fun exercise? I’m not saying it’s rational, and I’m not saying I LIVE in that state of saying no – but I can feel it come up in me from time to time. Mike’s command to me on Sunday reminded me that it is good to practice spontanaeity – even though that may seem like a contradiction. Saying “yes” to things is a muscle, like anything else … you need to keep it worked out. When I took a writing class at the 92nd Street Y, much of what we did at the beginning of each class were improvisational writing exercises, which were exhilarating and scary! The teacher would pass around an object – each person would look at it – and then she would say, “Write for 10 minutes.” No other guidelines. The object was the launching-off point. It was so fun!! The things people came up with just blew me away – and frankly I was surprising myself! The acting training helps because hesitation and second-guessing is the death of good acting, so … without worrying if I was doing it “right”, I would have to just START. Great practice. The first day of class she passed around a teensy blue pen, about 2 inches long. Here’s the piece I wrote, and it’s funny, once I got started, I could have just kept going. It’s not planned out or structured – but I was just inventing shit left and right with no second-guessing, and it was great great practice.

So that’s what came up for me with Mike’s sudden command. A rush of adrenaline, a teeny voice saying, “But … but … what do I write? HELP ME …”, a much BIGGER voice saying, “GO, just START” and so I did.

I ended up writing for three hours. I did very little editing, just kept going – it was fun to write dialogue, a script – and not worry about “he said” or “she lifted her eyes skyward in a morose manner” or whatever, other narrative elements … just speech … back, forth, back, forth … I had no idea where I was going, or what I was doing, there was no plan – but within 2 seconds of thinking I had my opening line, and then I was off. Suddenly things started to happen spontaneously (it always sounds dumb when people talk about their creative process, but whatever, I’ve been writing about Ben Marley 24/7 for three weeks now, I’m obviously not worried about sounding dumb!) – suddenly she was drunk, how did that happen? – she was too drunk, way drunker than her partner … it was getting embarrassing, she was talking too loud … Uh oh … what will happen next???

It was so damn fun. I sent it on to Mike, like : Here it is. First draft.

I was so jazzed up that despite my cold, and despite the fact that it was by then 8 o’clock at night, and FREEZING, I bundled up, put the iPod in the ear, and took a long brisk walk for about an hour and a half, Everclear blaring in my ears. I went and visited Alexander Hamilton, my dear dead boyfriend, I stalked along Boulevard East – which was empty because, duh, it was freezing, and walked and walked and walked. Sometimes tears streamed down my face, and other times I was in a movie of my own life, fantasizing and leaping on trampolines in the desert, and all those things I like to think about when I want to get away. It was awesome. I was freezing, yes, and perhaps it wasn’t the smartest thing to do, while recoveering from a flu, but getting OUT and MOVING became a moral imperative, I was so wired, so … well, I was going to say “manic” but that’s a negative connotation. I just felt hyped, and happy, and also – satiated. It was beautiful.

Mike and I have been going back and forth about my little script, but what I am left with now is happiness and a sense of possibility. I created something in three hours. I know that may not seem like a revelation especially because – uhm – I create here on the blog CONSTANTLY – and there is no plan. I don’t give myself an editorial calendar and say, “Monday I will focus on Suzanne Farrell, Tuesday will be strictly Ben Marley, with maybe a couple of scanned photos …” I just do what I feel like doing. So yes, in a way, if I look at it – this blog is about “saying Yes” – every single day. It keeps me juiced, keeps me expressive – even in times when I am truly struggling, like now – but I realized, on Sunday, that these sorts of “here are the parameters – GO” exercises are really really good for me, and I need to do more of them.

Saying yes is a muscle. My leg muscles were burning after my long brisk walk – I’ve been lying in bed for four days, so my body was like, ‘Uhm – what’s happening – we’re MOVING now? Is that what we’re doing?’ … and my brain was burning too from the exercise of writing that script.

And you know what? I think it came out pretty good. I’m just saying.

Thank you, Mike. You’re such a “yes” kind of guy, and that was really exhilarating for me. A harbinger of things to come.