Just in time for the startup of baseball season. I did want to do a part 2 to this series, to check in with Nancy’s hellatious progress through the streets of Boston. Stay tuned.
Oh, and I took these pictures of myself with my computer before I figured out how to basically turn the photo around so the “B” in the Red Sox hat isn’t backwards. So let’s just pretend that we are staring at a woman through the looking glass, so out of control and mentally unstable, that even the “B” turns around.
For now:
Nancy is married to a Red Sox shortstop. A dude who is now at the top of his game. At the top of the game, in general. He has become a celebrity. He’s good-looking. One of the untouchables. One of the Gods.
Nancy was completely unprepared for what would happen when they moved to Boston. Or – she thought she was prepared, but nobody can prepare you for such a paparazzi onslaught. She’s also a drunk. She thinks she just “drinks socially”, at least that’s what she always says, but it is impossible to “drink socially” when you live in Boston and you are the wife of a famous Red Sox shortstop. She is caught out, here, there, everywhere, drunk, sloshy, by herself, getting in and out of cabs. Her behavior becomes increasingly erratic. Her husband does press conferences, asking the press to back off, because obviously “my wife is shy”. This does not stop the bloodhounds. They smell her weakness. They stalk her everywhere. She does time in a rehab. When she comes out, after a couple of months, a barrage of photographers wait for her at the gate.
She is a PR nightmare for the Red Sox front desk. She tells reporters to “screw themselves”. She says things at press conferences like, “I can’t stand baseball. I prefer football. I hate baseball players even more than I hate baseball itself.” She doesn’t bond with the other Red Sox wives. She called one of them a “nitwit” at a charity function.
She’s slowly being driven insane by the flashbulbs of the cameras.
Here are some photos detailing the disintegration of her personality.
You’re a genius, Sheila.
Or I have wayyyyyyyy too much time on my hands!
Sarahk is right. Nancy maybe should have married the journeyman outfielder. :)
Rob – or at LEAST a football player since she seems to have so much contempt for baseball!
Sheila,
Funny, very, very funny. Though I don’t think an athlete of any kind suits Nancy. Maybe a minor league beer vendor who’s finally made “the show”.
George – Yeah, she obviously has a huge problem with fame in general. And yet she also NEEDS to be the center of attention.
Recipe for disaster!
I saw her last week. She cussed at me because I didn’t have a smoke. Then she threw up on my shoes.
Dan – Ha! I love it!! A Nancy sighting!
Potential soundtrack choices for the photo montage:
Hendrix’ “Manic Depression”
The Door “Five to One” (… no one here gets out alive)
The Flaming Lips “Feeling Yourself Disintegrate”
INXS “Devil Inside”
Jet “Cold Hard Bitch”
NIN “Burn (Stupid B1tch remix)” or “The Hand that Feeds” or “The Day the Wold Went Away”
Depending on the mood you want to create….
Mutecypher – Or just play “Sweet Caroline” on endless Repeat.
Zoom (moving my hand quickly past my head).
Neil Diamond and Caroline Kennedy? Could you enlighten your clueless correspondent?
OK, Wikipedia helps. Fenway. Got it.
That’s obnoxious! Love it.
Mutecypher – hahahahaha You figured it out!
Totally obnoxious – especially to her!
I can see her being carted off to a mental hospital singing the lyrics in a really disturbing hostile way.
It’s like the scene in “Goodfellas” where Scorsese uses the coda from “Layla” over the images of carnage after the Lufthansa heist. Absolutely beautiful music and images of horror. Chocolate and peanut butter.
Plus the Red Sox angle on “Sweet Caroline.”
You’re a visionary.
Or maybe that’s the thing that makes her crack for good. She can’t get the song out of her head. It’s like it has infiltrated her consciousness against her will.
I’m feeling kind of bad for her now.
Only her psychiatrist knows for sure.
Her poor husband. Trying to concentrate on his season.
When you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes…..
I feel so petty, laughing at the anguish of that family. And just before Good Friday!
Wait.
They’re rich. They’re famous. They don’t have feelings (The prole’s take on Fitzgerald’s “the rich are different than you and me”).
Fuck’em!
As someone who has famous people in my own family, I’ve always had a problem with that attitude.
I have so much Red Sox memorabilia at home – winter hats, key chains, etc. I really need to do a Part 2, and see how Nancy is faring.
Maybe catch up with her during spring training or something.
I’m making literary use of the attitude, I don’t share it. I hope “the prole’s take…” gave that away.
Or more explicitly, sorry if I crossed a line.
Oh, I know!!
Nancy is certainly a very “trying” individual – My brother said to me, “I’m annoyed at her – and none of this is real!”
hahahaha She takes away from what is most important: BASEBALL.
Back off Nancy – this isn’t about you! Let your husband do his job and get out of the way!!
Oh God, no – no line. I just feel the need to say it when it comes up, because it is such a common attitude – bitching about famous people and how stupid celebrities are. Hmmm. Not the ones I know.
I know some stupid-ass lawyers and stock brokers. I try not to generalize about an entire profession based on a couple of jagoffs who practice that profession.
Carry on, sweet Caroline!
Thanks. I don’t like to unintentionally offend.
I look forward to hearing about how spring training went for Nancy. Could self-inflicted tragedy be in the offing? Or redemptive sobriety? Tune in….
I hope she makes it.
I won’t hold my breath, though. Maybe her husband will get caught up in a steroids scandal or in bed with a hooker, or something … which will then reveal them to be two peas in a pod, basically.
Poor Jed Lowrie…
Nancy needs an intervention!
This is TOOOO much! I’m dying laughing.
hahaha I love how everyone is getting a kick out of what I do when I am basically bored. Let’s play dress-up and make up stories!
I am in awe at the perfection of this. LOVE IT!!!
Nancy sounds fine. I like her.
Last night: Lowrie, SS, 0-4, 2K, including one with two men in scoring position in the bottom of the eighth. Nancy, you are KILLING the Sawx!