… that something you thought would be a dealbreaker turns out not to matter at all.
It’s not that you don’t have a moment, like: “OMG, two weeks ago I thought that was a dealbreaker … but … hmmm … let me look at my feelings about this to see where I am really coming from” … but once you examine your conscience you come to the conclusion that, ” … uhm … Nope. Doesn’t matter at all.”
I still maintain that if someone is a dick to a waiter, I would still walk out on the date – like I did that one time in Chicago. It took me about 15 minutes to make the decision – because the second he was a douchebag to the waiter, I was done. In my mind I was thinking, “I never want to see you again. All is lost. I will never respect you now, you have lost me entirely. This is our first date and I already find you reprehensible from your one small action in this regard – because actions speak louder than words – and anyone who just behaved in the way you did doesn’t merit one more second of my time.” But … but … how do you handle that on a date? I suffered in silence for 15 minutes, until finally I just stood up, put money on the table and said, “Sorry. I can’t do this. You were just rude to that waiter, and I just can’t go any further with this date. My apologies.” And I walked out on him. It was glorious, one of my finest hours. I felt like I could eat nails for breakfast!!!
So I still feel that behavioral stuff like that really matters …
… but then there are other things that come up and you realize: what on earth were you holding onto THAT for? Does that really matter?
Of course it might also mean that I have no solid principles whatsoever, but at this point in my life I think that would be okay too.
What did the guy do to the waiter? I’m doubly curious because having worked in a restaurant and also having been raised by parents who at least twice-weekly took us out to eat, I learned early on that you are always kind to the person bringing you food that you are going to be ingesting. So to me, when someone is rude to a waiter, it signals to me that they’re kind of stupid as well.
Also, when you’re chummy with a waiter you get excellent service (and sometimes, especially if you become a regular, free treats).
So again, rude to waiter = stupid.
Greg – I can’t remember exactly, it was 15 years ago – but I know the waiter got our order wrong and my date treated him with contempt and went out of his way to humiliate him.
Your comment is insightful – I’ve been a waitress too – and boy, do people not realize what being rude to the waitstaff can actually do to your order!!
But it really wasn’t about that aspect for me.
To me, the man’s character was revealed in that moment. And I needed to see no more. Such things are very very simple on first dates – that’s part of what is so nervewracking about dates – but also such a relief. You are not yet attached, you are there to “vet” a person … and when he was a dick to the waiter, I was done.
First of all, if you don’t give a shit enough to show your best side on a first date, then you’re not worth my time.
Maybe he thought I would be impressed.
Big mistake.
Second of all, it’s not just a pet peeve I have – people being rude to waitstaff. I really believe it shows something about who that person is, and I don’t care if he gives millions of bucks to charity and saves little puppies from burning buildings. I’m moving on.
And yes: It’s also just plain STUPID.
This person will be handling your food. And you just humiliated him? Do you have any idea what goes on in restaurant kitchens at such moments??
I am of the firm belief that EVERYONE should have a job in some sort of service industry, whether it be a restaurant or a retail establishment, at least once in their lives. If you’ve done that sort of job, you’ll always have empathy.
Plus I’ve seen . . .Waiting, and I don’t want Dane Cook spitting in my food.
I hear ya, Lisa. Totally with you on that one. Obviously I was always courteous to waitstaff because that’s how I was raised to be, but after I had a job serving food and drinks in the executive suites in Croke Park…jeesh. Now I’m always extra polite and warm towards all people in the service industry.
Also, I’ve found that: if you don’t tip (and not because you need the coins to take a bus home, or whatever) you’re probably an asshole.
This is a subtle distinction but here goes:
If I get the sense that I am in the presence of someone who needs to “win” in whatever interaction he has with another human being: waiter, toll booth person, his family, me, anyone … alarm bells go off.
To me, that being rude to waitstaff thing is one of the clearest examples of someone who really needs to win. That energy is toxic to me.
I like athletes – I’m not talking about people who have a competitive spirit – I love that and am very comfortable around that (my whole family is like that) – I’m talking about needing to win and dominate other people, in whatever interaction.
Nope.
You’re a douche.
It’ll only be a matter of time before you turn that energy on me, and I plan on being long gone!!!
I had a certain level of patience with people when I was working as a waitress. I could get a sense of when someone was just being short because they were having a bad day or whatever. I never expected to be treated like a chum or anything. But basic manners should be applied to everyone you meet, no matter what their job is. The ones that always got to me were people that would deliberately go out of their way to be rude and demeaning. That’s just insanely uncalled for. If you’ve never had a service industry job where you had to wait on the general public, you will never understand how absolutely horrible it feels to be treated that way by a stranger.
And I agree with you about wanting to be dominating, Sheila. One of the particularly nasty types of customers were the ones that came in and thought it was my job to take any and all crap they could possibly dish out or else I’d get fired. That kind of behavior really reveals a lot about someone.
First of all, if you don’t give a shit enough to show your best side on a first date, then you’re not worth my time.
Maybe he thought I would be impressed.
It’s amazing but people DO think things like that impress people. I met this guy once at a party who was bragging, actually bragging, about how often he’s threatened a waiter with action from management or some such other baloney unless the waiter shaped up. And how that really gets them in line. He also bragged that he always paid the host or hostess to make sure he got seated ahead of people waiting.
I only bring this up because what I found fascinating about this prick was that he honestly couldn’t see how utterly repulsive this made him appear to any sane, kind and sensible person. He just couldn’t see it. What a loser.
Greg – yeah, that’s another thing: It shows a general lack of self-awareness that really IS a dealbreaker for me.
Wow, he can’t even see what a douchebag he is being! I don’t want anything to do with someone who is so unself-aware! Yuk!!
Emily: I agree, from the other side of the fence – you can see when someone is having a bad day, and they’re either lashing out or short with you because they just want their drink and they want it now! (There’s also something annoying about a waiter who wants to be your best friend. Like: go away, let us eat. Good waiters know exactly what to do …)
But getting an order messed up is just part of what might happen when you go to a restaurant and this guy I was on a date with – I don’t know – it felt like everyone was PROPS to him in HIS experience – nobody else was really REAL – and this waiter was ruining HIS DATE by bringing us the wrong drinks … so he set out to “punish” the unruly prop that wasn’t behaving properly.
But the lack of social awareness was so acute – because, uhm, no, the waiter had nothing to do with ruining the date, sir. You did that all on your own.
I can’t help but wonder what that dude thought the moment you got up and left. I wonder if he LEARNED anything from what you did and worked on being, well, a better person. I mean, you told him what he did and I hope it made some kind of difference for him, you know, instead of just a knee-jerk response of “She’s over-reacting” or “She’s a nut.” He sounds like the kind of guy who’d have that kind of reaction initially, but I WANT this man — uhm, 15 years ago — to really think about it. I am now invested in this man — from the PAST, Tracey — being a better man because of what you did. I need for it to turn out that way. Uhm, 15 years ago.
hahaha
He called me the next day and apologized. I said no problem and thank you for calling. He asked if I wanted to go out again. I said no thank you.
I rarely think of him – it was our only date … but it is one of my favorite date stories!!
See? My hero!
I know this post is more about deal-breakers than your awesome-bad date but I do have to talk about people who are rude to waitstaff.
I’ve never worked in the food service industry but I appreciate every single person who does. These people are waiting on you! They are bringing you food and catering to your special instructions!
I am always appreciative of people who do this for a living and don’t go around shooting strangers from clock towers.
Another thing that I really can’t stand is when someone is dismissive of a waiter or waitress, like they aren’t human beings who deserve to be spoken to with some regard or respect.
I always answer their “How are you today?” with “I’m fine. How are you?” and I make eye contact and thank them because THEY ARE HUMAN BEINGS just like you!
Ok…rant over!
Oh boy, rudeness and nitpicking are definitely not to be done on any date, be it the first or the 41st. I always felt like if he’s rude to the server, how will he treat me after a while?
Just as annoying as rudeness to the waitstaff is being chatty and chummy with your server and then leaving a crappy tip.
I LOVE that you walked out. Love it, love it.
I think about all the times I’ve put up with dates’ and mates’ bad behavior, absolutely *cringing* with shame and embarrassment because I didn’t want to cause a scene (when the scene was aleady underway) — so much of my life wasted that way.
A shining moment, for sure. Good on ye.
This former waiter thanks you for striking a blow for civility – and against crappy dates and blow-hards.