Mitchell and I were in college and had recently become best friends. We were 19, 20 years old. Theatre majors. For some reason, I can’t remember why, he slept over at my parents’ house, just like we were high school besties. A couple of things stick in my memory from that “sleepover”. My two younger sisters were in high school and grade school, and were sleeping in their room across the hallway from mine. Mitchell and I began laughing so loud and so hard at one point (it is still mythical to us, that laughing fit) that my mother had to call up the stairs to us to quiet down. We were keeping the kids awake. So lame. So hilarious. But the other thing I remember is that sitting beside my dad’s chair was a book of Roger Ebert’s reviews. It had been there for years. I had read it cover to cover. I hadn’t even seen half of the movies, but it didn’t matter. I loved his observations, I looked forward to the day I could see some of these things, and I enjoyed his writing. So Mitchell grabbed it.
He flipped through it, in my upstairs room, both of us lying in bed, and he read out loud from the reviews. We would stop and talk about things. We did this for a couple of hours. It was an early version of these types of conversations, something Mitchell and I still do, for hours on end.
I know we read many reviews, but the one that sticks out was Ebert’s review of Woody Allen’s Another Woman, a movie Mitchell and I both loved. We also were both huge John Cassavetes fans. (Incidentally, it is because of Roger Ebert’s reviews of Cassavetes films that I sought them out, in junior high/high school. Life-changer.) I remember Mitchell reading the following passage about Gena Rowlands’ performance:
There is a temptation to say that Rowlands has never been better than in this movie, but that would not be true. She is an extraordinary actor who is usually this good, and has been this good before, especially in some of the films of her husband, John Cassavetes. What is new here is the whole emotional tone of her character. Great actors and great directors sometimes find a common emotional ground, so that the actor becomes an instrument playing the director’s song.
Cassavetes is a wild, passionate spirit, emotionally disorganized, insecure and tumultuous, and Rowlands has reflected that personality in her characters for him – white-eyed women on the edge of stampede or breakdown.
Allen is introspective, considerate, apologetic, formidably intelligent, and controls people through thought and words rather than through physicality and temper. Rowlands now mirrors that personality, revealing in the process how the Cassavetes performances were indeed “acting” and not some kind of ersatz documentary reality. To see “Another Woman” is to get an insight into how good an actress Rowlands has been all along.
Mitchell stopped reading, and said, “You know, that is so true. If you think about her in Gloria, holding the gun and saying, ‘C’MON. C’MON.’ Or in Woman Under the Influence, with her weird quirks and madness … it’s all totally real what she was doing in Cassavetes’ movies, but then you see her in Another Woman, and you would swear she was born to play that kind of quiet repressed sad woman.”
The couple of paragraphs on Rowlands’ acting and career in the Another Woman review is one of the main reasons I fell in love with Roger Ebert’s writing. While his commentary on directors and the moviemaking nuts-and-bolts were always astute and thought-provoking, he is one of the few critics who really understands acting, and gives it its due. That is a brilliant and insightful analysis of Rowlands’ chameleon quality, her total sponge-like response to whatever director she is working with, and it is details like that that other critics often miss. I’m an acting-nerd. I was interested in movies because of actors, that was my “way in”. And to read someone’s elegant and passionate and knowledgeable analysis of the mysterious art of acting was a huge turn-on.
_________________________________
My journey is similar to many of those out there who also discovered his writing early. There were the books. And there was the TV show. I would watch Siskel and Ebert every week with my parents. It was a fun family ritual. I got nervous when they disagreed. Sometimes it got heated. But I loved listening to both of them talk.
When the movie/acting bug was born in me, for various reasons, there were Roger Ebert’s books. As I said, my parents owned one of them. Through that book I discovered a series of mysterious names that I knew I would have to investigate. Fellini. Cassavetes. Werner Herzog, who the heck was THAT? I needed to know. I read every word. I was in grade school.
As I moved on from my parents’ house, I missed the Roger Ebert book, so I started buying copies for myself. Those copies have traveled with me over the years. Even now, when all of his reviews are online, I still like to flip through the books. They have followed me from Boston to Philadelphia to Los Angeles to Chicago to New York. I have my favorite reviews. I am sure you do too.
While the movies themselves are always the “stars” of the reviews, what is striking about Ebert is the quality of the writing. It’s just plain good writing. Some of his reviews are actually literature. His review of Stormy Monday is famous, for obvious reasons. (Please go check out Kim Morgan’s emotional tribute, which also references that review.) Reading that review as a young girl, not having even seen the movie, I knew that what I was reading was something fresh, something new. Reading a review like that young is a warning to a burgeoning movie-lover: “You must be able to see at this level. Can you?” It’s a reminder of how deep you must go. How deep you are required to go. Anyone can watch a movie. But can you see it? That Stormy Monday review is BOLD. Bold fearless writing. And evocative of so much emotion, a tone-poem, the words spilling over themselves, launching images in your mind. Even if you haven’t seen the film.
Roger Ebert always said that he didn’t feel it was his job to tell you whether or not YOU would like the movie. It was his job to tell you what HE thought of the movie. That has been hugely influential for me in my own writing, not just about film, but about everything. Some writers will never understand that, because their outlook is stingy and competitive. They are always comparing themselves to others, whatever success they achieve is never enough for them, they are writing to impress, to dominate, a million other reasons. But writing that actually shares who you are is not Amateur Hour. You have to really do it. You can’t fake it. You will be revealed as a faker if you try. I can smell phoniness like that from a writer. But a writer who reveals something about themselves, even if they are writing a book review, a music review, a movie review … it takes that ineffable thing, talent, but it also takes a willingness to be exposed. You must put yourself out there like that. I mean, put your SELF out there. Roger Ebert did.
While I know much more about him now because of his blog-posts and his memoir, I feel like I already knew him, or everything I needed to know, from things like his Stormy Monday review. I could tell what kind of a PERSON he was. You have to know what you are doing to write like that. Roger Ebert was one of the many influential writers out there who pointed the way for me, who shone as an example.
And, as I mentioned, he helped me learn how to see.
I don’t think I can even measure or express how huge a contribution that has been to my life.
_________________________________
Back in the early 2000s, my old friend Michael Gilio directed/wrote/starred in a movie called Kwik Stop. I wrote about it here and elsewhere. Michael and I go way back, and so to see him achieve what he had been only dreaming about back when I knew him in the mid-90s was thrilling (not even the right word: all of us who love Michael were like, “YAYYYY!” basically.) Kwik Stop did a successful festival circuit, winning some awards. But no distribution deal. Roger Ebert loved the film. Read his review of Kwik Stop here. Ebert ended the review powerfully:
The movie contains genuine surprises, some delightful (like the plan to spring Didi from the home) and others involving loneliness, loss and desperation. I cannot say much more without revealing developments that are unexpected and yet deeply satisfying. Poignancy comes into the movie from an unexpected source. Depths are revealed where we did not think to find them. The ending is like the last paragraph of a short story, redefining everything that went before.
“Kwik Stop,” made on a low budget, has all the money it needs to accomplish everything it wants to do. It has the freedom of serious fiction, which is not chained to a story arc but follows its characters where they insist on going. Gilio, Phillips, Komenich and Anglin create that kind of bemused realism we discover in films that are not about plot but about what these dreamy people are going to do next. On a weekend when $400 million in slick mainstream productions are opening, this is the movie to seek out.
Ebert knows what he is doing. He knows what a review like that can mean to a struggling young indie. He chose Kwik Stop to be part of his Overlooked Film Festival of 2002. The film played at the Gene Siskel Film Center in Chicago, with Ebert himself moderating. He interviewed Michael, onstage.
Martin Scorsese released a statement after the news broke, part of which read:
Roger was always supportive, he was always right there for me when I needed it most, when it really counted – at the very beginning, when every word of encouragement was precious; and then again, when I was at the lowest ebb of my career, there he was, just as encouraging, just as warmly supportive.
You can see how meaningful support like that is, from someone who wields so much power, through his TV show as well as his syndicated column. Ebert was a fan. You always could feel that. He was a fan of Scorsese, he was a fan of Herzog. He would watch whatever they did, and even if he didn’t find it completely successful, he would not be dismissive of their lesser attempts. Obviously, he could be downright contemptuous if you made a piece of shit movie that wasted his time and insulted his intelligence. But if you had already proven yourself, if you already got his attention, he would stick with you. He would follow you. (None of this ridiculous stuff I see from some critics: “So and so should just listen to me, and take my suggestions, because I know what’s best for so and so.” Dude, you’re a guy at a keyboard. Nobody asked you, nobody cares. Ebert did not pull that kind of stuff.) If he was disappointed in something, he would say so. But he would not dismiss, and that kind of “encouragement” is meaningful to a giant like Martin Scorsese, and a young new filmmaker like Michael Gilio. It’s not just meaningful. It is everything.
Someone out there is watching. Someone is paying attention carefully. Someone is taking me seriously, even though I am not as successful as I was 5, 10 years ago. It can keep you going. It can, to quote Lorna Moon in Golden Boy, “stiffen the space between [your] shoulder blades.”
So even without the books, the TV show, and everything else, those of us who love Michael will always love Roger Ebert for his championing of Kwik Stop. I still tear up when I think about it.
You love my friends? You support my friends? You have my heart forever.
_________________________________
I will always associate the chaos of the last two months now with Roger Ebert. I have been dealing with some pretty heavy stuff. It started last year, but it has bled into this year, with a brief respite when I went to Memphis. I should have just stayed in Memphis! In the middle of a terrible week, like off-the-HOOK terrible, involving two doctor’s appointments in one week, and lots of outright fear, a couple of things happened on the same day. I had gotten off Facebook because I could not deal with it anymore. I deactivated my account. It helped. Then, one morning, during that off-the-hook week of Suck, I noticed that my blog was slow in its load-time. I wondered why. I checked my Sitemeter. It was apparent that I was being overrun by traffic from what appeared to be a link on Facebook. I am fine with my normal traffic, but there have been a couple of times when big-wigs have linked to me – The Wall Street Journal, Instapundit – and my traffic on this day in February looked like THAT. Enormous spike. It was all going to this piece on Ben Gazzara, who had died in 2012. It wasn’t a timely piece, I had written it when Gazzara died, although the Day of the Facebook Link That Slowed My Site Down in the Middle of the Week Of Suck was the one-year anniversary of Gazzara’s death. I was curious about who the hell was linking to it, but I was no longer on Facebook so I couldn’t check.
5 minutes later, I got an email from my good pal Steven Boone. He said, “Great Gazzara link! Hey, Roger Ebert is looking for you. Can I pass on your information?”
Well, I never thought I would hear the words “Roger Ebert is looking for you.” I didn’t put it together that it was Ebert who had linked to my Gazzara piece, on both Facebook and Twitter. I’m slow like that. Besides, Roger Ebert is looking for me?? Am I in trouble? I emailed Steven back, “Of course, give him my email.” I decided I needed to get back on Facebook to see what was going on.
At the same time, traffic started pouring in from a Twitter link as well, Roger Ebert, with the words: “The only appreciation of Ben Gazarra you’ll need to read. By Sheila O’Malley.”
Light dawned in the cave. Ebert, for whatever reason, had been checking out my site, found the piece on Gazzara, somehow, maybe because he knew it was the anniversary of Gazzara’s death, he was wondering if I had had something to say about it? For whatever reason, Ebert found that piece, and linked to it with the strongest possible words of recommendation on both Facebook and Twitter. For a brief hour or so that morning, my site crashed, because of those links.
I have friends who know him well, who work for him, who write for him. My pal Kim Morgan sat in for him on his TV show with Richard Roeper in 2007. I follow him on Facebook and Twitter, read his blog-posts, read his reviews. But this was the first time he linked to me. I didn’t even know he knew who I was. It was very surreal, since everything surrounding that one day, the rest of my life, was all pretty upsetting, to say the least. I said to cousin Kerry, “The TIMING of this …” She said, “I know!”
Half an hour later, I received an email from Roger Ebert. He cut to the chase. “I would like you to write reviews for me,” was his opening salvo. He broke it all down for me, his plans for his new website, his desire to give new voices a platform. He described it all here in his last blog-post, called “A Leave of Presence”, where he also announced that his cancer had returned. He told me in that first email that I had been recommended to him by a couple of people, and that he loved the Gazzara piece very much. “I would love to discuss you writing for me.”
Naturally, I emailed him back saying, “I am honored to be asked, and of course I would love to write for you.”
He emailed me back, opening with, “This makes me happy.”
His emails were blunt, to the point, and emotional. It took me about a day to get over my shyness in emailing him. He was so open. I would inform him, “Okay, I can get to this-and-this-and-this screening, and get you the reviews by this date, does that sound cool?” He’d fire back an email within hours, but sometimes minutes: “3X Yes!!!” Lots of exclamation points, showing his warmth and generosity.
The thought that all of this was going on while he was on his virtual death-bed is incredibly moving to me, and, again, speaks to his energy, his drive, his work ethic, and his undying enthusiasm. He was pumped at the new direction his site was going. He was pumped about the writers he had working for him. He loved what I was doing. He supported me and encouraged me. Every email I got from him was inclusive and excited. That’s my main impression. He was excited. Having someone excited by what I was doing was one of the most relaxing possible situations for me at that particular moment in time, and is far more important than I can even understand right now. I am still in the crisis, that hasn’t changed. It’s still there. To have this other situation with Roger Ebert flowing alongside the health crisis, the crisis that was frightening and overwhelming, was something I will never forget. He will never know how much it meant to me. I mean, it would have meant a lot to me in normal times as well, but in February 2013? Priceless. It always would have been awesome, but this winter it felt like a miracle. It really did.
We emailed back and forth about EbertFest. He encouraged me to attend. He forwarded invites to screenings to me, seeing if I could make this or that one.
My first review for him was the German thriller Barbara, which had already been released, but Ebert had obviously missed it and wanted it covered on his site. He said he could send me a screener, if I was interested. I said I was very interested, I loved Christian Petzold’s films, and had been sad I had missed it on its brief run in New York in 2012. The screener arrived, and I watched the film. It was around this same time that things started to go off the rails for me in that other situation (I am telling you: both things were happening at the same time). My mother came down to stay with me, to support me as I went to my doctor’s appointments, and help me manage what I needed to manage. It was such an important and special time. My mother is amazing.
I could not “check out” entirely because I had to write the reviews for Ebert. I had to get my shit together. Not a problem. I have never had a problem with writing, even in the worst of times. But for my first review, I had some stage fright. I had to really gather my forces together, which had been so scattered in the months of November, December, January. One early morning, 5 or 6 a.m., I got my notes, sat on the floor with my laptop, and wrote the review of Barbara. Mum was asleep in the other room. I was done with it by the time she woke up. The sun had risen. I read her the review. I said something to my mother like, “I like to start off with something descriptive, usually.” I had to go to work. I sent the review off to Roger, and then jumped in the shower. He had responded by the time I got out. Less than 5 minutes.
He wrote, “What good writing!” Words I will cherish always.
He then observed, “I like drawing us in with descriptions rather than generalizations.”
Mum and I laughed later, how he had completely clocked the very statement I had said to her earlier.
Listen, life can be a cold and lonely thing. The world can be isolating. You can feel all alone sometimes.
Words of not only support – but recognition – can be life-changers. Life boats. Healing vessels. Seriously.
My writing career has been going great. 2012 was the year it cracked. This far pre-dated Ebert, but Ebert reaching out to me seemed yet another element of confirmation. One of those random windfalls that occur when you’re already in the hustling game.
I am going to EbertFest. I had looked forward to meeting him. Knowing now how ill he must have been when he was writing me those emails with exclamation points and warm words like, “This makes me happy” is not just moving. It’s life-affirming. He is an example. I want to be like that when I grow up.
Not just the writing part. The human part.
See, even when I was a child, 9, 10 years old, reading his review of Fitzcarraldo or whatever, and thinking, “Holy mackerel, I have no idea what any of this is about, but I must know” I felt that I wanted to be like him. I wanted to know the things he knew. I wanted to see the way he did.
I would have been a movie fan anyway, I will always want to “talk about the movie”, but Ebert was a torch-bearer. I still go back and read my favorites of his reviews.
And on blue days, I pop in Casablanca to listen to his commentary track, one of the best examples of its kind. I like to sit there, and listen to him talk. It’s both soothing and invigorating.
He falls into silence during the “dueling anthems” scene. How many times has Ebert seen Casablanca? Countless times. But that scene still gets him. That scene still gives him goosebumps. He is almost speechless in the face of its primal power.
He is not “over” it.
Read his writing.
He wasn’t “over” anything.
It is that quality I think I will miss the most.
Thanks Roger. For everything.