Dear Ms. Pickler:
If you are going to play the dumb blonde and hope that THAT will get you more votes, because you obviously can’t sing your way to the top, and judging from the sort of sad baffled look on your face last night you KNOW THIS – I have some suggestions, because you are a terrible actress:
1. Most people termed “dumb blondes” are actually quite smart and know exactly what they are doing. So-called dumb blondes PROFIT from other people UNDERESTIMATING them. I am thinking of Dolly Parton. Marilyn Monroe. Smart cookies. There are, of course, many TRULY STUPID people who are also blondes … and maybe you are one of them, hon! Looks so! But here’s the deal; You’re too dumb to play a dumb blonde. Your performance instincts are … very lacking. Your little “what’s a ballsy” nonsense last night tells me that the jig is UP, sweetheart.
2. Acting 101: If you INSIST on giving yourself a line like, “What’s a ballsy?” – first of all: there is such a thing called underplaying. VERY important concept, if you want to consistently get laughs. When you give yourself a dumb and improbable line like “What’s a ballsy” – the best thing to do is to play it TOTALLY straight, almost deadpan. You might have gotten a laugh on it. Marilyn Monroe sure would have. Marilyn Monroe was given some of the stupidest text in the world … and she made it work. Sadly, though, unlike you – she had brains. Those who are not naturally gifted (read: You) sometimes do a little thing called TRAINING – because, whaddya know, not everything is just GIVEN to us in this life jsut because WE WANT IT and we have cute blonde hairdos – so these lesser talented people TRAIN … so that they can:
a. learn to walk on stage without looking like a gravity experiement
b. learn to loosen up in front of the camera so they don’t look like a frozen-eyed dim bulb
c. relax enough so that they can bring their natural persona out more fully. This takes training, girl – not for someone like Mandisa or Chris or Taylor who seem completely relaxed in front of an audience – but you? You need work. Don’t let anyone tell you different.
I have no idea what your natural persona is, Pickler, but I’ll tell you this. The way you said YOUR OWN LINE from your OWN HEAD “What’s a ballsy” shows that you have lost control of your own situation. There wasn’t a generous laugh response to it – the way there was for other “Oh my God, I’m so dumb” lines. People were like … Huh? It didn’t work. You’ve pushed past the point of our tolerance for you.
An analogy, Kellie: You know how little kids sometimes get out of control when something goes well for them? And then very quickly they descend into tears and tragedy? At least this is my observation. For example: A little 7 year old kid makes a joke in front of a bunch of adults – and whaddya know – it is a HUGE hit with the adult set and eveyrone HOWLS with laughter. The kid then becomes GIDDY with his own success – and makes another joke – which maybe isn’t quite so good … and then, filled with shame and 7-year-old self-loathing at having LOST the love so freely given just MOMENTS before … the child quickly resorts to poop and fart jokes, which do NOT go over well, and maybe Mom or Dad says, “Hon … that’s not appropriate” … which then leaves the child in a swirling wilderness of pain – so the child publicly bursts into tears, and then has to be ushered out of the room by Mom or Dad. Oh, to fly so high so quickly, and then to have such a tragic descent! I have seen it happen, I tell ya.
Dear Kellie: Your “what’s a ballsy” moment was the equivalent of a kid shouting out a poop joke at an adult dinner party, trying to re-create the glorious success of the moment before when everyone had loved him!
Maybe two shows ago, you were being congratulated for this act – people were spontaneously bursting into laughter at your ADORABLE comments about your “eyelashes”, and that wide-eyed innocence you have! People lapped that crap up!! I always thought you were a bit of a phony, but that’s neither here nor there … People loved it!! They were charmed by you! Good for you! I thought that maybe you, like Marilyn or Dolly, were in CONTROL of what you were doing.
Last night … you were giddy with your own success … and perhaps you were feeling not so hot about what was going on … perhaps you sensed that the tide was turning against you … There was maybe something lukewarm in the judges response? As compared to what they said to Chris or Mandisa?
You sat there, and I saw this sort of frozen crestfallen thing on your face … a 7-year-old expression frankly – like: where is the love???
So to try to get the love back, you created this cockamamie moment – where Ryan said, “Simon thought it was ballsy” – and you said, laughing as you said it, “What’s a ballsy?”
No laugh.
Uh oh.
Your charm has already worn thin. You seemed not like a “dumb blonde” who knew what she was doing. But just a dumb person, with a bad haircut, and a frozen crestfallen face. Who didn’t know what she was doing. Who has no idea how to be IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, and to let her own self shine through.
The jig’s up, baby.
To quote sarahk, who, believe it or not, is much meaner than I am:
“What’s a ballsy?” Give me a big fat break, you phony inbred backwoods imbecile. Now shes not even trying to fake it properly. What kind of complete retard hears someone call her an adjective and says, Whats a ballsy?”
I can’t stand phonies. I don’t care about people who maybe can’t sing, or who have a lot of work to do – but I can’t stand phonies. And she is one.
I love it when you have to get things out of your system. I would cut and paste my earlier comment, but I think you’ve got it covered.
hahahaha I just had to get it OUT!
David and I, watching, were both like: “Uhm … wow. That so didn’t go over well!!”
What’s a ballsy? could be the title for a Melissa Ethridge song.
Um…never mind a ballsy. What’s a Kellie Pickler?
Signed,
Desperately out of Touch With Pop Culture
Emily – In this case, consider yourself lucky. Really.
re, the dumb blonde who isn’t thing:
I LOVE Dolly Parton. She is one of my heroes now. I never thought that much of her until I heard her interviewed somewhere and she was so funny and smart and genuine – totally different from the insipid “country-pop” stars that seem to be prevalent. And she is totally not stuck on herself – she can laugh at herself and I love that about famous people, when they don’t get that “I am a god and no one can ever make jokes about me” thing.
I’m not a country music fan but I’m often tempted to buy some of her recordings just to show my support.
I’ve only seen a few moments of this season’s American Idol, but it seems that an awful lot of the contestants on that show are just kind of insipid – like they want the fame and the adulation and the bucks, but they don’t want to work to get there and they don’t want to understand or LIVE their music. (I could be wrong on that, like I said I’ve not really followed it this season)
people like Parton LIVE their music.
Emily:
Just in case, though …
It’s a rare affliction causing overacting and thickening of southern accents.
That was in response to Emily, btw.
ricki – I’m a huge Dolly Parton fan from way back – My friend Mitchell has all of her stuff – so he can maybe leave some recommendations of which albums to get. He has them all!!
I totally feel the same way about Dolly – there’s something so charming about her – she’s just so funny, and girlie, and real – I love her.
Another “dumb blonde” is Melanie Griffith. Always playing dumber than she really is.
cullen – hahahahaha
Oops – my “hahaha” was to your joke about Kellie Pickler being a disease, cullen.
Yes. I am Quick Draw McGraw today. Much to my wife’s chagrin.
“And, IIIIIIII, will always love, Dolly!”
Dolly is also a very astute business woman, who could buy supposedly very rich, real-life dumb blonde, Paris Hilton, 10 times over.
Ricki – I know this might sound weird – but the soundtrack to the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas is fantastic – especially her stuff. That’s where her song “And I will always love you” came from – which Whitney Houston turned into the biggest hit of the last 20 feckin’ years! Dolly wrote that song!! I always forget that.
But anyway – I always really enjoyed some of her singing on that soundtrack.
She’s also the only person who could teach Sylvester Stallone how to sing. Sorta.
Oh god.
“What is your definition of an AMERICAN IDOL?
Kellie Dawn Pickler.”
Puh-leeze.
Lucky for me, I only watch the first couple of episodes of that show each season to be amused by the cluelessly talentless.
Actually, Sheila, Dolly wrote that song in the early 70s. Porter Wagoner, who was her mentor, once said that that song was one of the best he’d ever heard. She resurrected it for the movie version of the play.
(I only know this because my father once corrected me when I made the same mistake as you)
This, amazingly, is my first season watching Idol. I’ve loved it. Even at its worst, it’s great TV.
Dolly Parton, Emmilou Harris, and Linda Ronstadt did an album back in the day called “Trio.”
If you don’t own it, remedy that fact IMMEDIATELY.
It is perfection.
Trio rocks – one of my favorite albums!!!
whoo! Thanks, guys.
I have a few weeks left on a freebee trial of Amazon rapid-shipping (“Prime” they call it), and I’m milking it for all it’s worth. (They may sucker me into paying for a year’s worth of it yet; it’s a wonderful luxury to be able to order as much as you want and have it show up at your door two days later without paying through the nose each time).
I think I’ll order Trio for sure. I’ve also considered off and on an album or two she did of some old Southern/Appalachian gospel music.
not so sure about Whorehouse, I’m not generally a big fan of soundtracks, but I would love to hear her original version of a song I relate to Whitney Houston. (I’m not saying I LIKE Houston’s version, I’m just saying I relate the song to her.)
ricki,
I’m sure it’s on more albums than the Whorehouse soundtrack. Try a Dolly’s Greatest Hits or something.
There’s a spoken part at the end that just MAKES the song to me. It’s not done in the Whitney version, and I think it suffers for it.
Lisa – yeah, you’re right – that kind of wistful narration at the end of the song is just … fantastic. I always thought she was a better ACTRESS too, than people gave her credit for.
Uhm – 9 to 5??
She holds her own with Lily damn Tomlin and very few people can do that. Loved her in that!!
“She ate the rat poison and we have to take her to the hospital!” Her huge glimmering eyes …
“I’ve got a gun out there in my purse. Up until now I’ve been forgiving and forgetting because of the way I was brought up, but I’ll tell you one thing. If you say another word about me or make another indecent proposal, I’m gonna get that gun of mine and I’m gonna change you from a rooster to a hen with one shot. And don’t think I can’t do it.”
Sassy!
get a greatest hits collection..as long as it has Jolene,Coat of many Colors,Apple Jack…etc..also a disc called Heartsongs..its a live concert form Dollywood..all old school stiff..it is amazing!!!! Plus…The Grass is Green and Litte Sparrow are recent bluegrass cd’s taht have become instant classics..pure joy!
ricki,
The movie soundtrack isn’t that good, you’d be better off getting a Greatest Hits album. I’m pretty sure it’s on at least two her Greatest Hits albums; probably one in the 70s (it hit number 1 on the country chart) and one in the 80s after the movie came out…. hold on let me check…
Okay, I’m back, (I was a little off on the number of albums the song is on) it’s on:
Jolene (this is the original album the song was on)
The Essential Dolly Parton
The Essential Dolly Parton, Vol. 1: I Will Always Love You
The Essential Dolly Parton, Vol. 2
(Yes these are three different albums)
Ultimate Dolly Parton
Legendary Dolly Parton
The RCA Years 1967-1986
Dolly Parton – Super Hits [1996]
The Best of Dolly Parton [1975]
Dolly Parton – Love Songs
Dolly Parton – The Ultimate Collection
Dolly Parton – Live and Well
Dolly Parton – RCA Country Legends
Jolene/My Tennessee Mountain Home
Dolly – Something Special
I Will Always Love You and Other Greatest Hits
JFH..good stuff!!!!! i saw her at The House of Blues in Chicago about 4 yrs ago and i was truly blown away by her talent,charm,virtuousity,and then there was the voice..so unstained and untouched by time and gravity..not to mention the pure thrill of standing taht close to someone so legendary(i was in the front row)…love her..the real thing..suck it Pickler!!!
Red – yes, great actress as well as a great singer. You have to believe to pull off a song like “Jolene.”
Ironically, Whitney is well-known for her version of Parton’s “I Will Always Love You,” which frankly gives me hives. (I far prefer Whitney for stuff like “I Wanna Dance With Somebody” and “I Believe in You and Me” [another cover!].) Meanwhile Parton’s well-known for “Islands in the Stream,” which was written by Barry Gibb.
And how’s THAT for cross-threaded commenting! Boo-ya.
I … I …
I have no response …
only a sort of chastened admiration …
Poor ricki’s gonna be like: all right guys, thanks for the ideas, but enough is ENOUGH!!! hahahaha
Oops – yet again, I have to say: my last comment was addressed to JFH’s last comment.
Mitchell – yeah, even just seeing her on the Oscars I was amazed at how pure and fresh her voice still sounds.
You’re so lucky you saw her in such a venue!
I’m so glad I missed that moment. I’m watching the performance shows but not watching the results shows much.
How do you feel about Paris? I started out thinking she was a sweet kid who sang songs much too old for her and after the past couple of weeks I’m starting to be more than dubious of the “sweet kid” persona.
My only impression of Paris (and I missed her last performance this past week) is that she seems young and inconsistent.
Anyone else??
I also – I just don’t like her voice. I know a lot of people just love her, but her voice is not pleasing to my ear.
i’m so not mean! i just tell it like it is! ;D
and anything Dolly does is golden.
Good grief! I’ve never seen this side of you, Sheila.
I really like it. : )
On Paris, I do appreciate her voice. I think if she stuck to more old school song choices (Billie Holliday-esque) or gave her song choices that feel, she would be well served.
However, I also feel that she’s very inconsistent. She’s yet to discover her niche or her true comfort zone. She’s able to be comfortable doing anything, but you can tell that she’s not comfortable doing some things. You hear it in her voice. And when she’s not, she’s not on.
The other thing I’ve noticed is that her voice isn’t as appealing as, say, Katharine or Mandisa’s. While I personally think Paris is as good as they are, Sheila doesn’t share that opinion. What I’m trying to say is that I think there’s more universal respect for Mandisa and Katharine than for Paris. And deservedly so.
Oh, god. Squinty is playing Beatrix Potter in her next movie.
Peter Rabbit has been skinned.
Lisa –
bwhahahahaha
Thank you! It’s one thing if you have no experience in front of a crowd (like Pickler), but don’t you think that would be the perfect time to just be yourself? And not pretend? I have nothing to back up that thought, but she struck me as playing the “dumb Southerner” too. And that’s just annoying.
It appears to be the desperate act of a girl who somehow senses that she will not win on talent alone.
I recently downloaded three Dolly Parton songs from itunes :
They’re from an album called Those Were the Days of 60’s remakes and done in her own country style, all duets. Me and Bobby McGee, with Kris Kristofferson, If I Were a Carpenter with Joe Nichols and Both Sides Now with Jodi Collins and Rhonda Vincent (I guess they’re not all duets). Those are the ones I downloaded, they’re awesome. Mitchell have you heard of this?
Someone once asked Dolly if she was offended with all the dumb blonde jokes, she said absolutely not. Why not, they asked. She replied, “Because I’m not a real blonde.”
Pickin’ on Pickler
So. I’m getting some sort of reputation for hatin’ on Kellie Pickler. Pee-shaw, y’all must be gettin’ me confused with…
actually, my anger is mostly because i can’t stand phonies (having been married to one for 7 years once upon a time).
Damn Sarah, how similar. I hate ponies because one wouldn’t marry me.
“Get me two CCs of Breakfast Club, stat!”
Don’t mess with the bull, young man: you’ll get the horns. ;-)
Cullen, if you waited until the ponie became a horse, it might’ve changed it’s mind.
Cullen, maybe the pony wasn’t ready for that kind of commitment, you could’ve waited until it was a horse.
Whoops. It certainly wasn’t funny enough to post twice.
Thought I was taller.
You know the courtesans were burned.
Oi ain’t above it …. Oi ain’t ashamed of it neither.
PS – just read sarahk’s post. “Goodbye Scrappy Doo!” BUAHAHAHAHAHA! I hate that rodent in dog’s clothing. One of my favorite running gags from “Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law” involves Scrappy’s violent demise every time he’s on screen.
“Thought I was taller.”
“You know the courtesans were burned.”
okay, y’all, I’m lost…and pissed. If it’s an inside joke, that’s one thing; if it’s a movie reference, I’m ashamed I don’t know it.
JFH – hahahahahahaha If anyone would know a movie quote it would be you.
They are inside jokes.
Habitual. And also both very very very stupid.
I honestly don’t know if I can explain what the whole “thought I was taller” thing was – but David has been doing this bit since I first met him – TWENTY YEARS AGO and it stiiiiill makes me laugh.
It’s very visual. You’ll just have to get your butt to New York and see “thought I was taller” yourself!! :)
I’m glad you caught that David. One of the few times my misspelling was on purpose.
hey sheila, I love that Dolly is getting a lot of love in this comment thread (because she totally deserves it), and I know you recently wrote a great post covering the whole “why Marilyn Monroe was so great” thing, but I just have to second your statement about MM being a smart cookie. She knew exactly what she was doing, which is why she was so compelling. Didn’t you post awhile back a photograph of script pages with all of her anotations in the margins? Or am I totally imagining that?
Erik – hmmm, I don’t think that was me – although if such a script existed, I want to see it! I posted a little image of Marlon Brando’s notes to himself to play Don Corleone – could that be what you’re thinking of??
I am so glad I have so many Dolly fans here … it’s great!!
“Oh, god. Squinty is playing Beatrix Potter in her next movie.
Peter Rabbit has been skinned.”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HER playing BEATRIX POTTER?!?!
Dear God, I think the world just fell off its axis.
I think I need to take a mental-health day and go hide under my bed.
(Beatrix Potter is also one of my personal heroes. Yup, Dolly Parton and Beatrix Potter).
(Incidentally, thanks for the Dolly info. I went ahead and ordered Little Sparrow – I think the interview I heard with her that impressed me so much was linked to the release of that recording – and Trio. Maybe will order one of the Greatest Hits compilations later. Also, I’m developing a good liking for bluegrass; I think I would have earlier except for the fact that I was born in West Virginia, was teased about being a “hillbilly,” and so, as a sort-of snobbish pre-teen and teenager, rejected anything that could be construed as bearing the “hillbilly” taint.)
ricki –
Yes. Squinty McAppleDoll is playing Beatrix Potter. I know. It’s awful. We all just have to support each other thru this dreadful experience.
Oh, and ricki – I actually don’t know anything about Beatrix Potter, except for her books.
If you don’t mind my asking, why is she one of your personal heroes?
And to top things off, her co-star is Ewan McTripod.
Ewan may be my favorite actor, and also the hottest man on the planet. I may be forced to see this thing. After all, I suffered thru the abysmal Down with Love – same pairing – because of Ewan. She was awful, he was great.
Why I am Fond of Beatrix Potter:
She was a Victorian/Edwardian British woman, but did not give in to family pressure to marry (or, for that matter, be a 24/7 caretaker for her parents). She developed her talents in drawing and writing. She was a fine naturalist and had the gift of observation – she was one of the first people to actually conclude that lichens were made up of a fungus and an alga living symbiotically, but because she wasn’t a “real” scientist (and was a woman), people didn’t want to believe her at first. She also wrote a paper on mold spores that was presented at scientific meetings (although not by her; women were not allowed at the meetings in those days)
She wrote “Peter Rabbit” as a letter to a sick child – I forget if it was a cousin or the child of a friend. She later developed it into a book, was turned down by many publishers, but finally persuaded Frederick Warne to publish it. It was a tremendous success and she published many other books. She also fell in love with one of the owners of the publishing house – and from what I’ve read, it was a real love match – but he died of lukemia before they could be married.
She married much later in life, and also bought and ran a farm in the Lake Country.
I regard her highly for several reasons: first, she didn’t have a very formal education, yet she taught herself a great many things and became adept enough at mycology to actually write research papers on it, she was a woman scientist/naturalist in a time where it was more common for women of her social standing to have 12 children and spend their lives supervising servants and paying social calls, she had a tremendous natural intelligence and imagination, she was very independent, and she didn’t marry just because it was socially expedient to do so.
I also love her artwork and her books were a big big part of my childhood.
yes David..i own the new Dolly and I love it!!…btw..*Inside Joke Alert*…
“If the Chinese Lady gives me shit,
Im gonna throw a Waiku fit.”…i love ya Dave!
Sheila, I remember the Marlon Brando notes, but that’s not what I was thinking of. I must have seen Marilyn’s notes somewhere else, not sure where. I tried to do a google search and couldn’t find the actual images, but found an article from Entertainment Weekly talking about the notes she would write in the margin of her scripts (which I would love to pour through) (this article is from 1999, when they were about to go on auction):
“When Christie’s auction house puts a passel of Marilyn Monroe’s personal effects on the block Oct. 27 and 28, all eyes will be on the flesh-colored dress in which Monroe cooed ”Happy birthday” to JFK in 1962. A memorable object, to be sure, but not the most revealing. No, that honor goes to the cache of annotated scripts and so-called promptbooks (containing just her dialogue) from several of Monroe’s late-career movies, each with starting bids of $6,000 to $10,000.
“Kept under wraps for decades after Monroe willed them to her acting Svengali, Lee Strasberg (it’s Strasberg’s second wife and widow, Anna, who is now putting them up for sale), these for-her-eyes-only study guides constitute an extraordinary set of diaries. In their margins, Monroe scribbled a stream of self-help prescriptives, thoughtful analyses, cryptic code words, and, in the final years of her tortured life, diatribes against the studio hierarchy.
“Check Monroe’s script for the Billy Wilder farce Some Like It Hot and you’ll find lines of dialogue penciled in by the actress. Study the frontispiece of Something’s Got to Give, the aborted movie from which Monroe had just been fired when she died in 1962, and you’ll see such acid asides as ”This is funny?” Finally, it is Monroe’s sharp wit and struggle for self-preservation that play out on these pages — a revelatory tribute to the person behind the persona.”
“actually, my anger is mostly because i can’t stand phonies”
Does the K stand for Kaulfield?
In that vein, Kellie Pickler is a real crumb-bum.
Yeah, but this one time, in church, she let out this terrific fart…
Wait a minute, Mitchell- Why am I laughing hysterically over here at “Waiku Fit”???? HAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAH. I am so pathetic, that I now THINK I know your inside jokes-
OK Now I am DEMANDING a “Sheila O’Malley-The 80’s” Reunion. That way, all of us can get together and joke and laugh and remincisce about experiences we have not REALLY experienced, but just IMAGINED we were there… it will be great!! Who’s in??
The way I heard the one Dolly quote above was “I know I’m not dumb and I know I’m not blonde.” Check out her rendition of “Silver Dagger” on the Grass Is Blue album. Absolutely chilling.
BTW, I was discussing this post with the wee wifey, and she said to add Judy Holliday to the smart dumb blonde list.
If Kellie is so bad, why aren’t all of you critics up there instead? Why?
Because those who are too cowardly to do, sit back and criticize those who are brave enough to take the chance.
Losers.
K- I honestly don’t get your comment. Because someone chooses to be in the public eye, they should be above criticism?
Is that your point? Or do you just like Kellie and don’t like that we are criticizing her?
If America votes her as the best, then America has voted and good for her! Time will tell in the long run if she has any chops whatsoever. As far as I’m concerned, she’s a stupid phony (“what’s a ballsy?”) … and shit like that ALWAYS catches up with you in the end.
I hope Kellie wins American Idol. I would rather see a girl like her get it as opposed to some of the “talent” that we have in the music industry now to listen to on our radios each day.