Entry from Journal
January 23, 1940
The period of courtship, in any matter, gets to be a shorter and shorter affair with me. This is because I am getting shorter and shorter on self-delusion. Let us get to the heart of the matter, I feel, and let us get there quickly and put things on a working basis. I am anxious for results and impatient, unfortunately, with the steps which lead up to the results. This is growth from one point of view; from another it is sheer backsliding.
What do you do when you know that most of your behavior could be viewed by a sensible person as immorality or dishonorableness or laziness or some other negative adjective (“sheer backsliding”)? How do you forgive yourself? If you don’t forgive yourself, how can you tolerate yourself?
I suppose if you’re someone like Odets you make putting all of that stuff, all of your failures and anxiety and human-ness, into your work. To not reject it or try to fix it – but to revel in it – because in that very failure is your work. Or your story, or whatever.