For James Dean’s birthday
Age 13. Babysitting. Up later than I normally would be. East of Eden was on late-night television. I had never seen it. I don’t even know that I was aware of who James Dean was. And certainly not Elia Kazan. I was a ravagingly unhappy middle-schooler. I spent months in a state of literally wild despair. I was recovering from what I now realize was my first breakdown at age 12, bipolar having stepped into the room along with my first period, as it so often happens for girls. Good times. Of course I didn’t know that at the time and it would be decades before things got so harrowing that I got diagnosed. But also, even more importantly: at age 13, I was already a budding actress, involved in community theatre and drama clubs. My aunt was a professional actress and an inspiration: In my family, acting was not some weird pipe dream, acting was a JOB that could actually be DONE. I was ambitious enough to figure out – on my own – how I could get myself to New York for an Annie open call. (I learned about the open call from actually calling the Broadway theatre where it was playing, and asking questions of the poor box office lady who finally forwarded me to someone in the office. Crazy, I realize now, but that’s what happened.) I wanted to move to New York some day. I was one of those very young people who knew, without a shadow of a doubt, what I wanted to do one day. No question.
In East of Eden James Dean is first seen in long-shot for the haunting opening sequence, a lanky figure in the background. And this – up above – is our first real glimpse of his face. It is not an exaggeration to say that this moment shook my world. It re-arranged me. A seismic shift. My priorities, my awareness. My GOALS changed.
This one moment led me to the Actors Studio many years later, where I sat in the balcony of that famous renovated church on 44th Street, where Marilyn Monroe had sat, Al Pacino, Eli Wallach, steeped in the history I had been dreaming about since I first saw East of Eden. (After seeing the movie, I used my after-school job at the local public library to research the film. I discovered a treasure trove of biographies. I DEVOURED The Mutant King, the biography of James Dean, and followed the trail of bread crumbs available in that book. I learned of a man named “Elia Kazan”. I became obsessed with Carroll Baker and Marlon Brando. I learned of Lee Strasberg. A whole world and history opened up to me.)
And so, years later, after a nervewracking audition, I attended sessions at The Studio, I got involved in projects any way I could. I studied with Actors Studio members who had worked with Lee Strasberg, with Kazan. I was involved in a project about Joseph Cornell, developing a theatre piece about him, and actually got to work with Lois Smith (who appears in East of Eden. Joseph Cornell made one of his famous boxes for her.) And, most movingly, I finally got to MEET Elia Kazan. (A propos of nothing, recently I realized – and I have no idea how I did not notice this before – that in my life I have had not one, but TWO, romantic entanglements with men whose fathers had roles in Kazan’s autobiographical film America America. I swear I did not plan this. I wasn’t targeting people from afar, based on their IMDB credits. I swear.)
This above – my first glimpse of Dean, hunched over on the sidewalk, forehead wrinkle, clothes the same color as the light – was the Moment.
The genesis of everything. A to B.
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Sheila
Yes! I just saw it was James Dean’s birthday and I headed over here. As always I was not disappointed. Great Post about Dean and your beginnings into acting! I came to James Dean late. I was already 21. I come to everything late! But I saw Rebel Without a Cause with new friends from my first acting class who were seeing it for the millionth time. I was hooked as soon as I saw him. The thought that I remember was way back then and came at me so clear was I didn’t want to be James Dean’s girlfriend like Nataile Wood, I wanted to be James Dean! Oh damn it I still want to! (And Steve McQueen, ha! Whom you also write so extensively and wonderful about!)
// I didn’t want to be James Dean’s girlfriend like Nataile Wood, I wanted to be James Dean! //
Regina – I so so feel this! It was the same way for me – he was able to somehow create this CRAZY level of identification with audiences. It’s amazing to me. He just draws you in.
Interesting! I 100% wanted to be a glamour girl, but when I watched Rebel it was absolutely James Dean I related to also. I bought an old milk bottle I found at a seaside antique store in honor of him. His relationship with his powerless dad and unhappy controlling mom gave me a way of thinking about my parents that framed my adolescence ( right or wrong).
Oh your reaction to James Dean sounds a lot like young, 13 year old me’s reaction to River Phoenix, Sheila. I first saw him in Stand By Me and felt very…changed? Alchemized? It was such a performance! When he tells Wil Wheaton “yeah you’re weird but so what? Everybody’s weird” I felt like he was speaking directly to ME.
I feel like every generation has that candle-in-the-wind actor who dies before his time, and they discover him years later. Like, Gen X had James Dean. For Millennials, River Phoenix. And I’ve seen some Zoomers on Youtube both praising Heath Ledger and lamenting that he’s gone too soon.
-Gem
Gemstone – I’m Gen X – so I’m with you on River Phoenix! // and felt very…changed? Alchemized? // I so get it. He was truly a revelation.
I like your thoughts about how generations discover actors who die right before their time. There’s really something to that!! It’s kind of beautiful – because then you – if you were alive at the time of the person’s fame – can watch the person’s legacy live on. You get to see other people discover this person. It’s very moving – and sad sometimes, too. But it’s great.
I’m very grateful that James Dean movies were in such heavy rotation on late-night movie programming during my teen years. It’s how I caught all three of his movies – so I was able to actually satisfy my desire (lust?) to see more of him. Only three movies. Oh, it made me so sad, and it was years after his death. I mourned him. It’s so melodramatic but I mourned him!
and I mourn River and Heath too. all gone way too soon. all dead before their 30th birthday. River and James Dean dead before their 25th. !!! it doesn’t seem real.
I somehow have never gotten around to watching James Dean’s work yet! It’s wild that it was really only three movies – his legacy looms so large that it feels like it was more. So much more. I have some hilarious memories of my late dad imitating his ‘bad boy’ scenes, haha.
And yes, him and River gone before 25! When I was 13, 20’s seemed so old. Now…man, they were babies.
I have vague memories of River being an ‘idol’ when I was little – like, I had a dollhouse and my sister gave me a picture of him to put up in it? But I also mourned him upon discovering him as a teen, realizing dollhouse guy and that kid who’d just enraptured me with his performance were the same person.
“if you were alive at the time of the person’s fame – can watch the person’s legacy live on”
I love that. It’s very bittersweet. I remember the glory days of Heath – we swooned, we sighed, we knew this guy would go on to do great things. And now the younger generation makes videos of their live reactions to 10 Things I Hate About you so every swoon and sigh is caught live. It’s a lot of fun watching them go through what we went through.
That is so adorable about the dollhouse with the picture of River in it!
His death and Kurt Cobain’s death are so looped together in my mind – they happened just months apart! It was a bad BAD year for Gen X early 20somethings. Kurt – the dreaded 27 year old marker.
And I agree – it’s very sweet to see teenage kids on YouTube discover these former teen idols. I just watched a “reaction” to Stand By Me – and at the end they put up a little screen that said RIP RIVER. which I just found so touching. It’s so many years later but they’re just finding about it now and it makes them sad. everyone is just blown away by him in that movie. I still remember seeing it for the first time – me and all my friends were like “WHO. IS THAT.” and it’s pretty much everyone’s reaction – even though he’s now long dead.
Culture as a torch to be passed on.
I do try to keep up to date with the people the kids are in love with now. Timothee! But sometimes I do get lost and I don’t even know what people are famous for, lol
Yeah, I was at that age where crushes on boys were GROSS so I resisted at first, but my sister persisted: “no he’s not your CRUSH, he’s your IDOL!” so I agreed and into the dollhouse he went, hahaha.
And yeah, Timothee and Jacob Elordi and all these new kids! Seems like they’re famous for terrible Netflix franchises one day and Rotten Tomatoes darlings the next, lol.
Oh I need to look up reactions to Stand By Me! I have watched it many times over the years with lots of people – I remember one of my brothers being like “Damn, that kid could ACT” re: River. I also recently showed Running on Empty to another brother and he was blown away, both by River and the quiet simplicity of the piano scene with the mom, he was like “SEE? You don’t need CGI explosions to make an amazing scene.”