I hadn’t seen this picture before. I’m staring at it, agog. It captures such a huge moment. This was taken the morning I left Chicago, packing up my car (and my cat Sammy) to drive back East to go to grad school. I have so many mixed feelings. I have so many mixed feelings about my choice to move. I made it in haste and – as they say – have “repented at leisure.” Rachel was there that morning to send me off (this photo is from her photo album). She was also there to be there for Mitchell, once I was gone. She knew he would need her, it was upsetting all around. There was a lot of emotion.
I am wearing a “Pat McCurdy T-shirt” and anyone who knows me will know that this was a deliberate clothing choice. Again, so many mixed feelings.
The night before, a bunch of us had all gone out to dinner – a big group of friends – my farewell dinner. I had invited Michael to come. He didn’t show. I hate it when other people do this but I will just say that this was before cell phones. (The reason I hate it is that the majority of human history “was before cell phones”). So, if you didn’t show up to something, if you got delayed, then, oh well, you just didn’t show up and nobody would know what had happened because nobody could call anybody. I was a little sad about Michael not being there. I was leaving early the next morning. It meant I might not see him again. Ever. Something important had happened with him, I felt that saying goodbye to it and him was important. Goodbyes had way more finality in those days.
Anyway, after the dinner, Mitchell and I came home. It was about 11 o’clock at night. I sat out on our front steps. I was drinking grape ginger ale. Why do I remember these things? It was a quiet night. I loved that neighborhood. We lived right behind the Music Box Theatre in Chicago. So I just sat there for about an hour, not saying anything, taking it all in for the last time. Facing an unknown future. At some point, I became aware of a man walking down the sidewalk approaching our house. It was so dark, with the night, and the tree shadows, I couldn’t see his face, but I’d recognize that walk anywhere. it was Michael. Come to say goodbye. He was smarter than I was in a lot of ways. In so many ways. He knew our goodbye had to be private.
Sheila, I’ve made “this” move, more than once. You are good at expressing the feelings I simply can’t. That’s why you’re a writer. Thank you.
Melissa – thank you so much. I really did gasp when I saw this picture – I remember the moment so well, but haven’t ever seen this picture!
With the benefit of retrospect, I don’t think moving to New York was a good idea. I regret it. I’m okay with the regret (mostly) – it’s kinda like, “well, what are ya gonna do” – but there’s no way around the regret. I’ve made a life for myself and it’s okay but I still think I FLED town rather than considering my options. and I regret that – it had huge consequences.
Maybe I sensed that then? I don’t know – I’ve been staring at my own face – ha! – trying to see into whatever it was she thought she was doing.
anyway. very intense time – and amazing that all of these people – Rachel – Michael – Mitchell – are still in my life. That’s one good thing about social media – you know you can still “see” your people, even if you move away.
best to you …
Sheila, I’m sorry you have regrets. I’ve had a few…..
Moving to NYC a hundred years ago was nothing I regret. The first years (five? ten?) were hard. But as the jobs got better (I thought) and my life more interesting (or so it seemed), it became not so hard. Truth, it was always hard. That’s just the nature of the beast. Nothing about the city was ever easy. But I never knew where else to go. I had no real home to return to, not much family, no roots here in the States and Manhattan seemed the “best” bet. Oh my. I was so naive. Now, many, many, many(!) years later, from my small town in NH, where I retired ten years ago, it’s all kind of a blur, dotted with incredibly vivid memories, mostly of people. It’s the people who stick in your mind and heart, not the jobs, etc… Many of those people are gone now (another side effect of age) but I’m as close to the ones still around as I ever was when were lived in the same city. Thank god for email and “real” letters.
BTW, you seem to be doing so well. I’m glad.
yes, thank goodness for email and real letters! I didn’t get email until I moved to New York – so, like, 3 months after this picture was taken – I got it through my grad school program. It feels like a million years ago, and it feels like yesterday!
I will say I am very glad I spent half my life unplugged. That I went through all those first experiences – life, jobs, moving around, boyfriends, etc. – without the internet. I feel very fortunate.
But, yeah. I wish I had stayed in Chicago. I don’t spend my time walking around in regret, and it’s weird, all this stuff that’s happened with writing – without me even trying, really – I didn’t foresee this at ALL. ha. But I do wonder if things might have worked out differently if i stayed. I certainly had way more fun in Chicago. If I ever moved again, I’d move there. and within 2 days it’d be like I never left. It’s weird. I love that city!
and yes, I’m doing well, thank you!
I have a leaving Chicago picture! It was 1991, and I was moving to Alaska-and it is me, my older sister, and my dearest niece-just turned one and I was so torn because of her. We are next to my Ford Ranger-it is early morning, and oh-that feeling of leaving all you love, but for me, on to a new adventure. I’ll never forget, the night before I was about to go to sleep in my older sister’s guest room-and she came into the room and tucked the blankets around me. To this day-so many years later, it is one of the sweetest memories of my life.
I adore Chicago, but I found my love and my life in Alaska. I’ve lived here longer than I have lived anywhere, but I’m still that midwestern girl, and that has been a real gift to me!
It’s funny Sheila, I’ve read your blog for years-and I’ve always felt like you were someone who could have grown up on my Grandma’s block-the Irish and the brownstones. The humor, the love of music and books and movies!
Oh wow, Maureen that is so intense and touching – especially about leaving your niece. I so get this – even more so now that I have so many nieces and nephews and love being a part of their lives.
And it’s funny – just recently I’ve been jones-ing for a nice weeklong Chicago trip. It’s been a while and I miss it!
My nieces are now grown and live in CA-and I’ve visited them recently. They are the sweetest and funniest girls I’ve ever met, besides my own daughter. Yet Chicago does call to me-I have a sister who lives downtown. For me-it has been a long time-and like you, I MISS it!
I forgot to say one thing-our lives do turn on a dime. The choices we have made have led us to where we are now-what if a different choice put you in danger? In front of a cab, or in a dangerous situation? At a certain point in life, regrets are going to come into our life, but I take comfort in the fact that if I had changed something-if I had gone this way instead of that-I wouldn’t have the life I do now.
I really hear you on that. I do see your point! There’s no guarantee on anything. But my life was so unhappy once I left Chicago and for such a long time, it’s hard for me to think “oh yes, there was a reason for all of that.” I’m doing okay now but … there’s like a whole decade that sucked and that’s had an impact. I don’t walk around in a state of regret – I have a busy life, and a nice apartment and my wonderful cat Hope! But still. I think leaving was a mistake. At least at that moment and in that way.
Who knows. I hate the phrase “it is what it is” but it does apply here! At least I’m moving forward now. Eyes ahead!
Oh, I am so sorry about that! I’ve always had a happy outcome to the changes I’ve made in my life. Even if it took a bit of time. ..
Damn, life just sucks sometimes-and there is no getting around it.